That’s me years, ago. The one showing her teeth with a real genuine smile. That girl in this photo? She had no idea what depression was or what it could do to you, she had no care in the world, but to be happy and to be herself. She didn’t think she could hate herself more then anything in the world, she didn’t think she’d try killing herself multiple times, she didn’t think she’d be in an out of mental hospitals, she didn’t think she’d lose all her friends and start homeschool. She was oblivious to the real world.
Now? well let’s take a look at my life now shall we? My body is full of scars, scars i created myself, i have no one else to blame, but me they didn’t give me the blade they didn’t cut me i did. i caused myself to bleed, to scar to hurt more, because i thought it’d make everything go away.
One day, i don’t what happened, but i started hearing things, and i saw them too, i didn’t know who these people were that i was seeing, and i didn’t want to know either, because the voices i was hearing were awful, they were saying the meanest things to me that i had no idea why they were doing this to me. They were saying “kill yourself, your ugly, why are you alive, your fat” I use to never think any of that about myself i use to be very confident, always quirt listening to my music happy, but these voices and this figures i was seeing were killing me.
Then i got to be sad, every second of everyday, i had no idea why i was like this, maybe the voices and figures started it all? I don’t know till this day, but everyday, i started hiding myself in my room, doing absolutely nothing, but crying. Then one day after coming home from school i tried something different, i broke apart a razor because i didn’t wanna feel the way i did anymore, and i cut, i cut and cut and cut. Till my arm went numb, then i went to the next, then to a thigh, and the other thigh, then i started cutting, a lot, all the time, no one ever questioned why i always wore long sleeves and pants because i didn’t look depressed.
But, sadly, the cutting didn’t give me the same feeling as it use to, so i went to pills, i started taking xanax a lot to forget the pain, then i mixed the two, cutting and pills. I’d get high off pills and cut. I eventually stopped going into school and made my mom sign me up for online school, so i didn’t have to be around people anymore, i lost all my friends anyways, i’d sit in my room 24/7 just online, listening to music, blocking out the world. It was fine for awhile, was it? Not really, i was just lying to myself to make it seem like i was then one day i broke.
1st suicide attempt, July 2013, cutting so deep i nearly passed out. My brothers, and his two closest friends found me in the bathroom, blood everywhere. I was already in a mental hospital twice before this happened, and now i was being sent into an emergency room, my mom came rushing in tears full in her eyes just saying “why, why saebrah, why? you know i love you?” And i did, i knew she and my brothers loved me. I guess it just wasn’t enough, after i had got my stitches and everything i got sent to a hospital again.
2nd suicide attempt, October 2013, it was a big time gap between my last attempt, between those months i was in and out of mental hospitals still holding on to my life, i slowly started hating myself more and more, and other people started hating me too, i got hate all over the internet from different people, i didn’t know who they were because it was anonomus, Then one day in October, i just had a horrible day, i thought since i hate myself, everyone hates me, why live? So i took all my prescribed meds, before i did i went into the living room tear fulled eyes, and hugged my brother then went into my room and took them all, my brother knew something was up, and so did my friend cheyenne, i had told her what i did thinking it was too late. She had called my dad who rushed home and took me to the hospital, i don’t really remember much of that day, but i do know cheyenne saved my life, i’m still not sure if im happy about that.
3rd suicide attempt November 2013, just last month i took another huge amount of pills and had to drink charcoal again.
And now it’s December suppose to be the best time of the year right? wrong. All i want for Christmas is that girl in the picture to come back, to the voices to go away to not see things anymore, to not be completely alone in this world full of people anymore. to not cry every night, to just have scars and not fresh cuts. I don’t know if i’ll ever be happy again.
This is somewhat my story shortened up.
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