Toxicity

[troubleshooter1809-blog]

A daily battle with my Schizophrenia, can you see that? No, well I can, and it scars me. It really sucks at night when you wake up in the middle of the night and you see people standing there threatening to kill you, real or not real?  

[gleam-of-h0pe]

Unchangeable Spring na We Heart It http://weheartit.com/entry/45912457

[akiracyanide]

Memories on the Metro

[usagirinako]

He looks dazed and unsettled, and she wonders what’s bothering him. 

The thought that he could be mentally unstable or something doesn’t even cross her mind, though she has had more than her fair share of health classes in high school. She does flinch a bit when he stands so still; it’s almost like he’s a statue. Then when his fingers twitch, that nearly distracts her. But she recites the information she has just gathered rather quickly. “Our train arrives on platform nine. It’s due in about five minutes, so why don’t you follow me and we’ll get in line to board?"

She then takes his hand, placing her small, soft, and pale hand in his hand. It’s a bit callous, but it could just be because hers are soft save the fingertips. Those are hardened from years of playing instruments. She gives his hand a nervous but reassuring squeeze, offering a smile. Hopefully he can calm down and this can be a pleasant ride home. Hopefully.

[akiracyanide]

Akira panics for a moment when his hand is placed in a much smaller one, a palm so soft and warm that it's nothing but foreign to his naturally cold self. It throws him off, it's odd, weird...just like he is. Just like me. Nobody touches him, ever. Nobody dares come near, more so down on the streets, in the underground where the 'thugs' reign and the kids like him are nothing but constant fresh meat to fuck with...but here on the surface of things, the world as a whole just seems so much more innocent...especially in the face of this young blue-eyed girl. 

He twitches all the while, however, unable to help it a bit when he's being slightly tugged. He can't comprehend why he cannot at least try to control it-- sure, he knows it is a result of his lacking mental faculties, but he should be able to help it, anyway. One more reason for him to feel disappointed in who...what he is. His mind in these rare instances is as sharp as it is confused, and it takes very little for Akira to process the information given to him. Platform nine. Five minutes. Yes. 

NO. DON'T DO IT. Don't go with her; you'll die...she'll murder you, hang you from the handrails on the train, toss you on the tracks when you reach Kazoku...~ You won't make it home.

Shaking his head furiously, twitching yet again in his own silence, Akira closes his eyes tightly. The thoughts, the voices, they hurt. It's all too much, far too much to deal with all the time, and he even feels short of breath trying to combat it. So he doesn't, and merely listens to the chants echoing in a sickening cacophony in his ears and chest, merely allowing himself to blindly be led by that small, warm hand, the only thing holding him to reality in the moment.

[akiracyanide]

Lookin' Up

It must've been a sight to see the fidgety young man, staring up into the tree branches as if he had lost his mind...but then again, if that was anybody's guess, they were closer to the truth than they knew. Akira knew two things right then, in spite of his mild confusion, a confusion that the medicines he took just a few minutes prior already started to vanquish: one, he could easily climb this large tree and get back his baseball cap that had been blown off his head with the wind; or two, he would be arrested for acting suspicious and being dressed completely in black from head to toe while doing it. 

...Worth a risk.

It was only a few moments later that the grey cap, adorned with nothing but neat black stitching, was sitting back on his mess of navy hair again, tilted to the left in his usual fashion, so that his face was completely visible. ...As if all the dark clothing and a cap to match in this sunny weather was doing anything at all for his stark pale complexion anyway.

Passersby glanced up and looked on past the thickly-leaved branches in a mixture of awe and panicked concern that this odd kid-- who was known for wandering around in confusion like a derelict all the time-- was sitting up in a tree with hollow eyes, dressed in an alarming amount of dark colors (black jeans, dark Converses, a dark grey dress shirt under a black sweater vest) as if he might be in a cult, and was shooting them all creepily wide smiles, almost as if his mind was churning like a psychopath. On that note, not a single person in their right mind stopped to help or inquire as to just why he's sitting up in a tree in the middle of a packed sidewalk. 

Oh so slowly-- remember, I broke my ankle last time-- the male slides down from the branch, calculating just how to land without breaking his face instead this time on the concrete below, or land on the head of a pedestrian who's walking too close to the edge of the street. Granted the tree wasn't that high off the ground (probably a little over two and a half meters tall to the first branch, and stacked with other branches higher up, worn from climbing by other people as well), it was still quite a shock to whomever happened to be near the base of the tree in passing as he fell quite quickly, suddenly, to his feet with a focused grunt. Knees bent for a moment, his hands slid into his pockets once he absorbed the impact, and as the slender Akira straightens up, he finds himself staring exactly face-to-face with another person. 

"....." As his hollow icy eyes lock with those before him, he reminds himself to act natural, to not panic or over-think, just as his doctor had told him too many times to date. ...As if he could ever act natural after, literally, jumping out of a tree.

[akiracyanide]

Memories on the Metro

[usagirinako]

She was almost unsure of what to do, glancing between him and the nearest exit, but she sighed, centering herself, and gently tugged his sleeve, trying to calm him. “I can find our departure time and stay with you, if you want. It’s not a big deal, okay? I’ve got ya.” She tried not to feel threatened, training her blue gaze on him in an attempt to calm him. Though he loomed over her, she reminded herself of her self-defense classes.

Then she glanced at the electronic board, scanning it quickly for the words “Kazoku Town.” There! She quickly read what she needed, and turned her sharp gaze back to her companion. “Our train arrives shortly, so if you like, I can show you the way.” She swallowed her nervousness. His speech reminded her of her cousin who was so shy he could barely talk to his parents, much less deal with a crowd like this. She offered a reassuring smile. Make him feel like he’s safe. He’s not a threat, just frightened, that’s all.

[akiracyanide]

The tug on his sleeve made his eyes dart to blue orbs before him, and he was calmed, just like that. He began to breathe again, finding a quick solace in a physical touch that keeps him rooted to this world, and though the voices don't leave his pounding eardrums, Akira can more or less recognize his consciousness. You fool. Listen to me. Listen to me, not her. Not that stupid little girl that's going to push you on the tracks. Are you CRAZY? Listen. ohhhh listen...~ 

"A-Ah..." His blinks his dazed and icy eyes slowly, drawing in a shaky deep breath as he allows himself to stand perfectly still now...still as a soldier, save for the eternal unconscious fidgeting with his fingers as if he can't help himself. And he really truly can't help it, and knows that it only brings him the wrong kind of attention. Once more, however, this dark-haired young girl seems nice and kind, and might help. No...no, she won't hurt me. No, she won't. She wont hurt me, right? No...she won't...will she? His mind was running in circles, but he swallowed and tried to voice his gratitude, which came out as nothing more than a jerk of a nod, a sharp glance away, and a raspy "p-please and thank you."

[akiracyanide]

Memories on the Metro

[sightsonthestars-blog]

Saya was late for her train; as usual. Her feet thudded against the concrete as she raced down the stairs and quickly made her way through the crowds of people who seemed just as eager as she to be on their way. Barely managing to keep ahold of the messenger back slung around her shoulder, the light-haired girl grins with obvious triumphance as she arrives at the platform. 

Her eyes flicker up to the digital clock above her, and she exhales contently. Two minutes till seven; she was actually /early/. She pulls the edges of her frayed jacket more closely around her, still in her dojo clothes. Attending the University was anything but cheap, and she was grateful for her job. After all, kicking ass and teaching other people how   to; hell, she’d have probably done it for free. 

She allows her gaze to wander for a moment, violet eyes narrowing slightly as she spots a dark-haired man a few feet away from her. There’s an almost panic-stricken gleam to his eyes, and he looks more than a little lost. Hesitating a moment, she purses her lips thoughtfully. Okay, so he looked a little /off/. But hell, she could take care of herself if need be. As long as she didn’t miss her train, what could it hurt?

Weaving around the few people separating her from him, she makes her way over towards the man, speaking in a relatively lax voice in an attempt not to startle him. 

“Ya look a little lost. Need some direction?”

[akiracyanide]

"Yes-- p-please," Akira immediately snaps his head and gaze to the pale-haired woman that seemed to be speaking to him. And he found himself lost in pools of violet so calm and relaxing that he reminded himself to breathe, however shakily and labored in his panic. She's going to kill you. You stupid bastard...~ Ahaha, going to die. You're going to diiiiiie~ "I-I-- please...p-please..." Akira can barely keep hold on his thoughts, much less his body movements that most likely made him come off as...well, a bit crazy. His fingers fidget, one hand playing and tugging hard on messy navy hairs, shifting on his feet as if staying still would mean his ultimate demise. The voices were so loud, and combined with the echo and bustle of the noisy train station around them, he can barely keep his breathing steady, much less keep his thoughts level.

"Kazoku," he blurts out quickly, in the hopes that this stranger would be helpful enough to, if he's lucky he thinks, at least point him in the direction of the proper train...hopefully with nothing more than a grimace, or an odd look, or a jeering gesture or mild physical harm, as most others did to him. He couldn't help it. Please...please, I need help. You're going to hell, Akira. You see those tracks...jump on them. I can't do this. Jump on those tracks right now. Do as I tell you, Akira...~~ Please...

The internal misery was far worse, and it was positively draining, and with his wide-eyed yet unfocused stare, Akira felt as though he would scream out and cry for a moment, biting down hard on his bottom lip to prevent both, as his gaze flickers madly to the young lady, and all around them both.

[deadlycunt-blog]

Auditory Hallucinations - An Audio Representation

[akiracyanide]

This is designed to provide the listener with some understanding of what it might be like to experience auditory hallucinations. Content in this presentation…

Uncontrollably shifting in his seat, Akira pulls at strands of his messy navy hair, his eyes wide yet hollow as he glances about quickly, like a deer in headlights. But he's all alone in his room, and the only noise in the space is the soft creak of the chair below him every few seconds in time with his movement...and yet, in his ears, all he can hear is madness. Softly, a whimper falls from his lips, and he grasps at his head tightly with both hands, tugging at his hair until it hurts, as if it'll make all the voices stop. 

[akiracyanide]

Memories on the Metro

[usagirinako]

Wide eyes watch the man and his almost exaggerated actions, and the girl can’t help herself. She feels a bit of worry, just for her sake. Did I make a mistake talking to this man? I-Is he going to hurt me? He didn’t seem like that type of man, but he certainly wasn’t exactly stable at the moment, either. He had looked around wildly as she had tugged on his sleeve, and she worried for a second, stepping back and releasing him. She was quickly pushed forward though, stumbling as someone shoved past her headed to a train that was about to pull off. She squeaked, gaining her balance a second later.

“I-I’m sorry, Sir..! You said you’re lost?” She listened as he continued to stumble over the words, a smile almost making its way to her lips. “K-Kazoku Town, you say? I’m headed there as well…! That’s where I live. I could… I could help you get there?” She said all of this shyly, just loud enough for you to hear over the bustling crowd. She fisted her hands in her skirt, blinking up at you. “I can find our train for you, if you like…!”

It’s her nature to be kind, helpful. Besides, he seems nice enough, if a bit confused. Having someone to ride back to Kazoku with could be pleasant, and besides that, she couldn’t very well leave him on his own in Tokyo, could she? She inhaled deeply, offering a reassuring smile. “I’d be happy to help, if you’d like.”

[akiracyanide]

"Y-You're going that way?," he blinks, eyes more than a little eerily hollow, but in stark contrast to the almost unconscious little smile rising to his lips. She's very nice, and she didn't turn away...yet. Because she wants to harm you, Akira. Listen...listen, don't you dare go with her. Don't go, don't do it...! Up to this point, Akira was doing quite a good job of tuning out the voices that rang in his ears in comparison to the loud and echoing sounds of the station around him. Sure, his heart was pounding madly in his chest, and maybe he was even a moment away from another full-blown panic attack of sheer confusion, but he was more or less all there. More or less.

But now the voices rang loud, a cacophony of male and female tones, all merged together in one alarmingly sensuous whisper directly in his ears, so loud with that last phrase that he actually suddenly whipped his head around to his left, with widened eyes as if looking for someone, something. Akira was of course met with nothing but odd stares and more people bustling to walk by, as his hand raises to fidget only more in the locks at the side of his head. It was a nervous habit, and when he was unnerved and confused as he was now, it was something he just couldn't help but do. 

"A-Ah... i duuno, I jus'...," he swallows and looks around wildly for a moment before looking back down to this woman's blue gaze. It rooted him again, and he didn't even realize that he was advancing a little, but lowering his voice to a whisper. In all respects, he would seem entirely alarming, larger than this young lady, acting odd and suspicious, and with hollow eyes of the dead, but his soft and stuttered speech but that notion to rest, in his mind at least. "I-I... s'really loud...I can't... C-Can we go, please? Can--... show m-me?" He almost pleaded like a child although he didn't realize it; he was merely being honest, as his doctor had told him earlier today. Be honest, don't listen...no, the voices are lying. She's smiling, she wouldn't hurt me. She couldn't hurt me. "P-Please?," he repeats once. Pleaseeee~?, the voices mocked in a childish tone.

[akiracyanide]

Memories on the Metro

[usagirinako]

It had been getting dark when Rinako left the university, and as much as she did love the city at night, she didn’t like being alone in Tokyo at night. She really couldn’t stand men in most cases because they tended to try to take advantage of her, and this was especially true of the men she had met today. She could sense several trailing her even now as she walked at a brisk pace, just trying to escape them. If she could only get to the Metro, she could lose them in the mayhem down there and return to the lovely suburb she called home.

Today she had been called into her mother and father’s record label office to get some papers or something for them to sign, as they were away on business or something. Said papers were now stashed safely within her bag. The men behind her wanted one of two things. They wanted her, or the bag, or both. That was her mindset. The girl was fast for her small size, and wove through the crowds with ease, but glancing back, she could still see them following about five meters or so away. Earlier they were at least laughing and looking as if they were enjoying themselves, but now they just looked pissed. She gulped, eyes looking around wildly for any sign of the underground railway system that would save her.

There! The signs indicating the entrance were just twenty meters away, sticking out above the sea of faces in the crowd milling about. Now she had to lose them. She quickly scanned the crowd, eyes landing on a group of junior high aged girls, and she slipped into their little group easily. The girls didn’t spare her a second glance, just making room for her amongst their ranks. That was the power of being female. She sighed in relief, peeking over her shoulder to see if her pursuers had seen. Two of the three were looking around, confused and swearing, and the third couldn’t be seen from her vantage point. She kept moving, shrinking down to make herself as un-noticable as possible, heart pounding.

Together they bustled down the stairway to the platform, and as soon as they had slid their ride passes and were well within the crowd, she broke free and headed over to the arrival time board. She eased past people milling about, apologizing in her small voice, until she came to stand beside a blue haired man who seemed to be in the midst of some kind of crisis. At first she paid him no mind, thinking it would be rude to stare, but the more broken and fragmented his sentences became, the more it itched at her. Eventually the girl turned her blue gaze on him, taking in his appearance and flustered features with one sweep of her gaze

“A-Ano… Hey,” she said, tugging on his sleeve a bit to get him to focus on her, “Are you alright? You’re lost?” The girl blinked in concern, even though the man was at least a foot taller than her and should probably intimidate her, especially after her most recent encounter, but the girl was warm-hearted and his current situation had her concern growing by the minute. “Where are you headed, Sir? I-I can help you find your train, if you want!”

[akiracyanide]

The tug on his sleeve nearly sent him reeling back as if he were burned, and a small gasp of surprise escaped his pale lips before his hollow eyes focused on the young girl who was the culprit. Don't talk to her, Akira. She wants to kill you too. "H-Huh?," he stammers for a moment, even after he dismisses the young lady as nothing at all of a threat. Her eyes are a bright blue, and she looks almost naturally bubbly, and her gaze...well, her gaze is confused, almost concerned, and Akira instantly wondered what was the matter. Is she okay? Did I say something wrong? Am I... maybe I'm doing something-- I need to stop, I can't breathe. I told you, Akira. She wants to harm you. Can't you see how she looks at you...? She doesn't, no. No no, not here, right? No... She wants to help me. She does, I can tell. Maybe I can trust her, for a little. That won't hurt. Listen to me, now. Listen to me...

"I-I..." Akira licks his lips, and finds himself momentarily short of words, still fidgeting and blinking a bit furiously, and trying to get his bearings. He was a bit riled up in a panic and fury, and it was almost odd how this one girl could so easily root him to this spot with a look. That was because her blue eyes were something specific to focus on, and it tore him away from the loudness and the maniac crowds and bustling around him. It gave him a focal point, to which he could remember to think again. To try his best. That's what the doctor said to do... focus, don't look away. Breathe...slow down... think of what I need to do.

"I'm l-lost, just a little, I--...," he breathes deeply, fingers still linked in the hair at the side of his head, and he rocks only mildly on his feet now. He doesn't want to alarm her, so he tries his best to look...'normal.' "I... um. S'just that I can't... remember." Lame. "Ka...Kazoku?" Better. "Y-Yeah, Kazoku Town... s'where I live, I just... There are a lot of...," he vaguely gestures with his free hand to the board above, wishing he could vanish right then and there into the tiles below. "...A lot of rail lines."

[akiracyanide]

Memories on the Metro

Pale fingers fidgeted compulsively with the edges of his dark navy hair. Of course, Akira himself didn't even realize what he was doing, and merely kept walking along past the odd and mildly concerned stares of those around on the busy streets. It was another uneventful meeting, and even now as the young man kept on walking down the block shaded by large buildings and glaring signs, Akira felt himself slowly losing memory of what he and that doctor had talked about in the first place. It wasn't anything important anyway, he knew. Because the voices are right. He's all wrong, they're all wrong...they don't really care about me; they all would just rather see me dead. They poison my thoughts, and they want my brain next... Well, they can't have it. I'm not so stupid.

Humming a soft mindless tune past his closed lips, the navy-haired dipped down into the cover of the nearest train station. He had to get back home to Kazoku Town from this capital of Tokyo, and though he looked more like a homeless wanderer, Akira surpringly produced a ride pass from the pocket of his dark jeans with ease, and slid it past the entrance gates, allowing himself access into the main rails of the underground train station. Kazoku, right. Kazoku...That's where I live, right. That's where I have to go back... As his hollow icy blue eyes looked up at the large electronic board of arrival times, he found himself quite suddenly overwhelmed. Look around you, don't look away from the people. They want to hurt you, Akira. Voices rang in his ears like alarm bells, and he quickly snapped his gaze back to the bustling crowd of people, not a single of which had any time to stop and stare at him now. Unable to help his fidgeting, Akira pulls a bit harder at strands at the side of his head, breathing heavily, and rocking a bit back and forth on his heels with a mildly twitchy blink and fluttering gaze. 

"W-Which--?," he stammers out in a panicked question to a passing woman. ...A woman who ignored him and kept right on strutting along with the steady clack of her heels. Turning his head back and shifting shakily on his feet, he tried to get anybody's attention to ask them a quick question, but it really wasn't going as planned. "I-I need help--" Another one ignores him in the rush to catch an incoming train on the second track. 

Where...why can't I remember--... which line is Kazoku again...? Swallowing roughly now, it's quite clear to even him that he's fighting back a panic attack right then and there, helpless and literally lost. Once more, he turned his gaze up to the board above, which scrolled lines and track names, to various places of urban Japan surrounding them. Suddenly, none of the characters before him looked familiar, and he blinked slowly, trying to pull himself together. 

Quite suddenly, as if he had been pushed or shoved or so, Akira whips around on the tiled floor to face the nearest person who also stopped to read the arrival schedule above them. "E-Excuse me, please...," he begins with a wisp of a voice, clearly trying to swallow down his panic as much as he can manage. No, don't talk to them. Don't do it...they'll kill you. They want you to listen to them, instead. "I-I'm lost, and s'just-- Please..." His voice is a fair tone with a natural stutter that can't be helped. Fluttering and not really knowing what else to say, he continues to fidget with the navy locks of hair at the side of his head, merely staring with his hollow stare at the stranger by his side.

[siababy]

[akiracyanide]

It's quiet, he's too quiet, and since the voices are nothing tonight, Akira can find himself at peace. A glance at the quietly ticking clock indicates that no, he isn't merely stuck in a void of time as he thought, and that yes, it had been a perfect hour or so since he swallowed a plethora of medications with chocolate milk. 

Beautiful...

Just like that, his mind is distracted from his self-monitoring, and his gaze is drawn to the cool condensation on the window of his little dark apartment. Without a single other thought, he walks up to the glass, reaches out with a finger, and traces his own cartoon version of the dark sky outside. On the moisture, Akira draws clouds and raindrops with his fingers, smiling at his own artwork, and subconsciously steadying his breathing to the steady 'drip!' of a leak from the shade of his tiny patio outside. It was calming, for a change.

[akiracyanide]

Application.

Writer URL/nickname: Rissa (azurehemoglobin/kairiyutani)

Character name: Akira "Cyanide" Kazane

Canon character? (Y/N?): No.

Character age: 27

Character occupation: University Student.

A short paragraph (6-8 sentences, max) to describe your character: Akira is a young man with a gentle heart who calls himself "Cyanide" as an alias that is synonymous with trouble in the more urban streets of Kazoku Town, even though that is never his intention. Having suffered from his early teen tears with the disease of Schizophrenia, Akira was all but abandoned by his parents who had no patience to deal with his progressing mental illness, and thus all but shipped him off to Kazoku Town, a place where they figured he'd be quiet and attend university. Akira doesn't want to be in this place, he doesn't want to go to school, and his poor attitude combined with his mental deterioration reflects in his always near-failing grades, and so he gains further disapproval and disownment from his parents. Yet, here he stays in the streets of Kazoku alone, unintentionally stirring up trouble to those who don't understand, and merely take time to poke at him because of his state. Overall, he is a quiet man who will usually not strike up conversation on his own, but when-- the voices, he claims, tells him to do things-- he becomes angry at those who tease him, it isn't unusual for him and the other party to be bloody and beaten as a result. Catch him on a good day and he's a shy and compulsive thing, on a bad day and he can be positively dangerous.