cybershii

feelings and thoughts on feelings and thoughts

[akirasanaii]

So what was I saying ? From facing an assignment I cant understand to facing my worst nightmare within 5 minutes :D To end my whining on a surprising positive note : if I can face my worst nightmares, facing an assignment I cant understand should just HAS to be easier for me. I'll figure it out, nantoka. I'll repleat my options then maybe panic, but first lets see what we can do about this. Off to swim 🏊

[akirasanaii]

I think the only nightmare I can't deal with is death not being an escape. As in, I would respawn, and be aware of it, suicide again, and respawn again, suicide again and repeat endlessly into absolute madness. Maybe *madness* is the only way out.

[akirasanaii]

It's amazing how fast I go from not understanding a certain uni-assignment to contemplating suicide.

[akirasanaii]

I say I don’t care what happens, and then I worry about it like fuck. I don’t have the motivation nor the the power to motivate myself. I do have the motivation, I wanna go to Japan. It is so much easier to give up, and when that temptation sets in, you remember all those wow-so-motivated Kommilitonen of yours.  Keep up my motivation. I got a Japan to visit, a career to follow, and a Mac to reward myself with.

[akirasanaii]

It's been a while What can I say Am I wasting my mental and physical health on this ? Why are all the questions I'm asking invalid. Why must we bear responsibility for what we decide. Why can't we control time. Why is my only option an option of unrewarded struggle ? Do I even have the right to argue it complain ? Stop

[akirasanaii]

Karam

I’m very glad I experienced this today.  I remember when that classmate of mine mocked me/my desire of getting to Europe/studying in Europe.  I remember the incident very clearly. I’d never forgotten it. And now I’m in Europe. It was a stroke of luck? Ordered chaos ? I got here. I made it happen.  So I know I’m fragile. And it makes me anxious when people prophesize such bullshit. Very anxious sometimes.  And I have to remember. Whatever the context, whatever their prophecies, it doesn’t fucking matter. You are your own life’s master. You will MAKE IT happen.  oh, and HEAR ME ROAR.  and listen to epic music.

[akirasanaii]

Bitterfuckingsweet

I don’t want any more introspection. Better focus.

[akirasanaii]

Defeatism

A very eventful week. Just a word When you feel like you won’t make it, und GERADE DANN, DO IT. The rush and awesomeness of the feeling after that intensity is amazing. 

[akirasanaii]

Bakaloria

This feels so familiar. The smell in the air. The colours of the sky. The temperature. The music. The heat in my body. The motivation. The way I smell. The way I’m living.  It all feels so familiar.  I hope I can make this into something as good and better than Bakaloria.

[akirasanaii]

On triggers

Aleppo is burning, and I spoke to Tarek today.  The Aleppo is burning campaign started a controlled conflict in me today. I decided not to partake and let it go. Tarek still remembers me as the person I was going through the storm, and talking to him reminded me of that, and I don’t like that. It really is important not to dwell on the past.  Note To Self, 3a 2olet Betty : don’t dwell on the past, don’t recall it in a way that makes you re-live it. 

[akirasanaii]

On the secret of motivation

I’d like to write about the revelations, the hopefully very helpful ones, that I had today during the Mathematics lecture.  I’m going to shower now so I’ll get back to it later, but I def. wanna write about it.

[akirasanaii]

On bad mood, again

What the fuck is bad mood anyway ? If sometimes sleep, food, laughing, going out, music, cleaning, getting oneself busy with some kind of task, etc all could in varying degrees of success affect the mood, then what is this “mood” anyway ?  I dislike it. I dislike instability. I refuse to acknowledge it or deal with it. (I feel tired just thinking of the willpower I have to put into that, too). 

[akirasanaii]

Bad mood

I experienced this “willing oneself out of bad mood” when I had my wisdom teeth extracted last week. I was sitting in bed, eyes hurting for some reason, feeling shitty although I wasn’t experience any dental pain... and then I decided to enjoy the day, and my mood instantly got better, it was like magic. I subsequently enjoyed all the following days as well.  Now I’m in a bad mood again because of the vortex of thoughts and disorientation of emotions I’ve had since I woke up today, paralysing my ability and willingness to track them down and deal with them.  And it’s kind of like today’s waking-up process... I have the will to get out of this bad mood/bed but I’m just... not.  Happy to say I feel better now ^^ kind of managed to insert the fucking key in the keyhole in my brain and now I’m in a good mood :D  Writing and decisions are magic.

[akirasanaii]

On Writing

A quick note on writing this journal/Thoughtbed itself.  Since I’m focusing, until now at least, on my vulnerabilities, I fear that I carry only them (because it’s easier) into RL, rather than carrying the lessons I teach myself through this writing practice. I’ll leave it at just saying “be like water”... if I fight it it’ll stay there. I’ll just let it be.  - Revisiting this a while later. I actually love the calming effect it has on me, writing. It slows my emotions down, slows time down, and puts a kind of distance between me and what I’m feeling or thinking, allowing me to come to a clearer judgement... although that isn’t always the case, it just happens some time. All in all, I love how calming it is.

[akirasanaii]

On Confidence & Courage

I’m experiencing some of these feelings again. I think they’re close to self-doubt, caused by a desire to be better/the best, and a certain guilt of failing to be so.  I have a plan, and I want to follow it, and suddenly I miss on, say, attending a Tutorium I wanted to attend, because I’m too lazy, or not in mood, or just can’t get myself to get out of bed.... and then I hear from a friend that she visited this or that Tutorium and wanted to come to our Tutorium as well, and I start reprimanding myself over being the lazy piece of a failure I am, and if it goes too far, I lose sight of the path I chose towards success, and I completely lose myself. In a way, that’s also what destroyed me last semester.  I shouldn’t let this happen again, I should be confident about what I do and don’t do, and I should do it, or not do it, courageously.  If there’s something I can improve about the way I’m doing things, I would gladly adopt it, but I shouldn’t doubt it. And yes, you missed a Tutorium, and you shouldn’t, so don’t, but when you do, you end up having weird dreams about having Arabs in your class finding our you’re gay, and not just any Arabs, but your own cousins, and then failing the class somehow, and being in a concert hall with so many old people who had those walking-aid device(?) with extreemeeeeely long legs xD and then you’re about to be trampled by them, laying on the floor, if it weren’t for a friend who held you and lifted you a bit off the ground, and slided through all those overwhelmingly many overwhelmingly long legs, into safety.  Oh, and you were holding onto him pretty tight, and you accidentally touched his balls.  Now I left THAT detail out when I just thanked him IRL for helping me in my dream.....  his reply was “I didn’t wanna.”  Typical bestie, I’d say ^^  Well then, go on with your day now.  Peace.

[akirasanaii]

Too real

So I thought I wanted to get a blog. To put my thoughts, which are mostly about me, my feelings, my dreams, my reality, and my relationship to the world, into words. And here I am, doing it, but I’m experiencing this feeling again, where the idea “felt” better than it does while I’m expressing it. Expressing it, through words at least, feels too “real”. It’s like the idea felt better when it still existed in that foggy part of my mind. I can go on describing how it felt for a while, but I think I’ll leave it at that. Another thing that’s being processed in less foggy part of my mind is the question of whether I’m writing for myself, or for possible readers out there. Heck, I know this may never be read by anyone, but still :D I think I’m gonna end this “Beitrag” here, continue listening to Ling Toshite Shigure’s “Acoustic” and study some more Linear Algebra. This felt good ^^ I might just end up writing everyday, making it into a sort of a diary ^^ I wonder if I can also add photos.... Damn, I wanna write about the tags as well :/ and it ain’t posting ~~