alas, my dear atlas

throw away acc for me to put all my feelings

[alasmydearatlas]

i have a lot of feelings about the word alas and about atlas, hence the name

im here to vague post about my life with things i don’t wanna bother anyone with irl but i need to vent about so <3 it’s called coping bitch

[alasmydearatlas]

if i still feel like this next year (November 2026) then i think we’ll break up

they say when you write a pro cons list you’re already doomed

and i don’t know, i feel like this is eating away at me from the inside. do i want to break up and just don’t have the guts to admit it to myself?

it’s just been so lackluster and hard for so long, through grad school and now into post-grad

i think he should have tried harder academically and is suffering now because of it

i feel like he’s so complacent in his own life with no friends here no hobbies outside of the house nothing but just holding on to what he used to have

i’m better friends with his college friends that he is now

and the thing is you have to try

you can’t just not put any effort in and then cry about after when its all fallen apart

maybe i’m not being considerate or caring enough about how much it sucks to feel like all that work you put in was for nothing

was it worth it though? He keeps saying how he sacrificed time to really work acedmeicslly to put into our relationship but i don’t know if it felt that way to me

am i attracted to him?

yes

- same morals/values

- future plans align

- pretty nose

- pretty hair

- familiar to me physically

- smells nice

- very caring

no

- lazy?

- i wish the sex were more passionate, like it’s good it’s fine but i’ve never been like oh my god wow! And maybe that’s bc of my own intense deep seated issues hmm

- i think just across the board it was more effort into being a grown up? having interests and fashion sense and wearing cologne and working oht and idk

- i always feel like i’m trying to fix him and i knowww this is bad

break up cons?

- i would be lonely

- we are best friends

- no one to talk to ab everything

- our lives are so intertwined

- sleeping alone :(

- no one to do things with

- would miss him

- my parents would be smug and condescending

- his parents would hate me

- would ruin my hopes for the future

- starting over sucks so bad

- no one to fix things when i’m frustrated and can’t do it

- i take immense comfort in his presence

- what if the grass isn’t greener

- life is objectively not going well rn, could get better

- furniture logistics?

break up pros?

- finally get some alone time

- girl house !

- more freedom to go do evening and social things

- not feel like i’m dragging this weight around

- less grey nebulous sadness, clean break

- get cheaper apartment?

- stop delaying the inevitable?

- opportunity for fits of passion?

- maybe date someone who likes going out and socializing? I don’t actually know if fi even want that

- find someone more aligned on work ethic and approach towards life? am i content to have someone come home to? Will we ever be wildly and exoborently happy?

- i don’t want to move to the midwest or anywhere that isn’t here, I’ve been working so hard to get here and i like it here and i won’t move

Do i just need friends? is that what this is?

i am prescribing myself make friends and stop self imposing a ball and chain. A lot of the pros i think would be do-able in a relationship. But the question is am i forcing something that doesn’t fit. And that’s so hard to answer. I think time, we gotta give it time. But we’ve been giving it time? Maybe we need to be more honest with ourselves?

I need to do things i want to alone and make friends. He needs to get his feet under him and make a realistic plan. I think this could work. And if in a year it doesn’t then we call it quits.

[alasmydearatlas]

here i am very conflicted and full of doubt and maybe if i write it all down ill feel better

being in a long term relationship can be hard but also the past few years have been hard

grad school - ASS so bad and lonely and i think both of us were in a bad spot and i can’t help but wonder did we make it worse for each other?

like have we carved this hole of complacency ?

and i feel like i expect him to grow up so much and i feel like i’m always waiting for him to grow up more

and i’m torn between well actually now he is taking it seriously and like the future seems bright but the right now always seems to be a drag

like whats the line between hopeful and delusional

I think I’ve just checked out a bit

and now were struggling financially and its so cliche its embarrassing

but post grad no one has anything figured out!

i need to talk to a real person i think

and connect more

maybe schedule a date? check in and date? with a lot of the domestic labor taken care of i do feel more willing to do some of the emotional labor

but also so much in my life is changing and i just want smth that will fix it and quick relief

i feel socially stunted but i do need to invest in more friendships and realize that a romantic relationship will not feed me completely

but it does feed me a little? but not all the way

and i hate working so much only to have no damn fun money left after paying rent

i’m so downtrodden, please let me have a little retail therapy

but i do feel a lot more empowered to know that i don’t have to wait for this to change

i have a sense of freedom that i didn’t before

so i am letting myself not feel obligated to babysit your sadness while you work through finding a balance

i’m always waiting around competing with the computer and its very nice to not have to do that anymore and also to be like well now you can’t have either of us :)

but also that’s petty ? but sometimes petty is okay?

i think ill just be in a what the fucking ever era and see how that feels

course correct too far the other way to find what it feels like and where thag edge is and then balance out

i can live my city girl life alone and with friends and in a relationship and these can all happen at the same time and that’s okay !

i can do fun things alone and dammit i will

[alasmydearatlas]

god what am i doing

tied to someone with a future i’m so unsure about

am i being selfish? am i just scared?

all i can imagine is coming home after work to a dirty kitchen and a partner who hasnt eaten all day asking oh yeah what do you want for dinner? and having to do all the work to plan to explore this mew city and what even are your career aspirations

whats your plan

you say you have one but you don’t

You’re scared okay fine get over it

I’m scared too

I feel like i’m looking down the barrel of a life of resentment

Youngest son - my fault for being shocked when you are one

i tell you i’m scared and the idea of breaking up is a possibility in my mind and nothing changes

I end up comforting you

I’ve dug myself into this hole of self punishment

Of good but never great

Yeah, its fine

Always, always fine

Maybe ill be sick of it one day

Maybe its today

But i don’t love myself enough to do anything about it

And you don’t love me enough to notice

But it will be fine and one day ill laugh again and ill learn to be happy with a forever barely adaquet roommate

And i’ll stop bothering you about staying up late and ill put myself to bed and live my life and i guess youll always just be sorta there

and youll get sad and withdraw and ill have to say i’m sorry and bite my tongue a million times

Bc god knows i can’t dissappint our familes

My friends adore you and you never bother to give me the same effort with yours

You don’t try with my family bc you don’t like new people

Inconsiderate bc it never even occurred you to consider it

Or me

But you’re nice

And funny and cute and fine

So ill make it work and grit my teeth like i have the entire rest of my life

I should have known that nice things were never meant for me

At least dappled sunglight never burns

[alasmydearatlas]

stop being so weird everytjme m’d friend comes to visit

I don’t even know what my issue is

I think he’s hard to read and i’m rageingly insecure and want his approval so bad

bc he’s been around longer than me and after i’m gone he’ll still be there and ill just be an irrelevant painful memory

And i never feel like i say anything right in conversation and i’m too loudy and girly and not bright and bitter and sad and uncomfortable to speak to and we have wildly different opinions on books jk not really i just sat there and felt dumb

And then i made m frustrated by not letting it go and being so weird and making it awkward and he rolled away to go to sleep and i forgot his sisters and his moms birthdays bc i am just so selfish and self involved and oblivious

I’m restless and i can’t sleep and idk what to do and i want to be done with ballet and class and i don’t want to keep doing this i’m tired

[alasmydearatlas]

its so sad its breaking my heart i wish i didn’t know anything about anything

the fact that this (their current state. Right now) is the happiest my parents have ever been? EVER

this???

what did you do to mom

you took her across the country broke her heart ruined her life and reputation went to therapy and now its all fixed??? Its all better?

what about her!

she’s not perfect and i know that god i know that

I of all people know that

but all of this is just so unforgivable

i domt know

i push it away and bury it and never talk about it

never

not even with bf

and its shredding me from the inside out

like to me you are just normal divorced

this is just normal divorced parent pain

but its not its not its not

why werent you strong enough

why did you put it all on me

it isn’t fair and its never been fair

i just want someone to notice and to ask me first if i’m fine

i don’t want to bring this to someone

also like i think mom is asexual

Or somewhere on the spectrum its not really my distinction to make

but she doesn’t like kissing and went to catholic high school on purpose and has described the current situation as very close to ideal and even in the future would want at the least separate rooms

and maybe i’m reading too much into it but i’m happy she’s happy but its still not as happy as should could have been

like it didn’t have to turn out like this and that’s killing me

and idk i just forget these issues affect me

like they didn’t just go away bc i’m happy now

its just hard

[alasmydearatlas]

i don't even really know what happened

like i think it annoyed me how even when im busy and overwhelemed with work and school and club stuff, i still think about groceries/chores/laundry and all the domestic labor

and its not optional to me

its not like oh this is nice to do

it's like this needs to get done and if i dont do it now, no one will do it

its so lonely and frustrating

and its not like you dont have time on tuesdays to do stuff like that but you don't do it

bc it doesnt occur to you

bc its not important and bc u know that i will do it

so youre just subcionusoly letting me do all that labor

and then you come home from work and ask if i made you dinner

which like cliche much

i made me dinner without asking bc i was trying to do smth for myself and i was going to give myself a break between club stuff and senior project but then you ask if theres any left

and i know you were just curious

but the fact that you asked means you assume theres a good chance i probably made you some

and i can't do it both ways like you cant tell me to not erase myself and my wants bc they matter to, and then go and have you do that for me

bc if i dont cut myself off at the knees that means letting you do it and do you know how much more that hurts

to let you disrespect me and then have to tell you its fine no really dont be sad it's okay

and i know

i know i know i know

this comes from childhood and its all horribly cliche and i should be over it by now but i dont know

all i know is how to erase myself and the things i was gonna say and everything i wanted and starve myself so that you could eat bc if i give it up willingly its easier than when you expect it from me

im trying to know what you want and how to do this and i feel like this is what i was so scared of for being in a relationship is losing myself

and youre a man youre never gonna get it

how its expected that i do this for you

married men do well and single women do well

this is how our world works and its so so so silly of me to have forgotten that

[alasmydearatlas]

Grarrr havent written down my feelings or anything in a while

but why is it whenever i spend a period of time away from bf i get so annoyed with him

like do i miss him and i’m lashing out bc idk how to feel my feelings ? and anger gives me a sense of power ?

maybe?

we just moved in together and i want him to unbox all his damn boxes so we can just be freaking done but he spent all of yesterday doing nothing

Which like irs break and i’m not there i get it

But i want the house done!

I hate this unpacked limbo state

and i feel like not respected when its not done

And he didn’t help any of the things i set up like the clothes and stuff

And i did most of the kitchen

He also has so mych junk food!!! I want him to stop eatting it! Its not good for him! Ik its expensive to eat “better” but also he goes out to est more than i do which is more expensive than cooking sooooo

But that’s the judgmental petty part of me

i get so angry when i’m not face to face with him

Like i forget its not him and not just someone in my way

And we havent had our check in and i don’t want to be the only one putting in living space effort

But he’s done a lot of work to get the furniture stuff?

I just wanna go back and talk

And fix everything

And set it all up

i am not settled i’m so uncomfortable and upset and it grates on me everytime smth is messy and bad and not where it should be and it drives me nuts and it makes my heart race and me angry

so then i direct all that at him when he does nothing to help alleviate the issue

grrrrrr

Also i’m mad i spent so much of break moving

And stupid doctors appointment

Shots in the head hurt! Ouch!!! Skin so delicate !!! Ouchhyyyy

But my hair has been regrowing so ughhh ig worth it

Also i’m stressed ab all my grad school stuff

And actually applying

Its real now

What if i don’t get all the rec’s

What if i don’t get in

What am i gonna do !!!!

Scared !!!

I don’t even have an internship

No one has written me back !

I am not on my A game !

I want to rest over winter break !

And now new tutoring jobbbbbb i’m stresssed outtt ugh i don’t wanna do this

So i put it off until i have to and then i don’t have to spend a long time agonizing over it

Booooo

Very restless rn

[alasmydearatlas]

how i am feeling rn:

honestly like a woman

negative connotation

like i feel like we’re falling a little into the nag wife manchild husband trope

like were on that slope

Not totally there ofc

but that’s just what its giving

And its frustrating bc its a problem i thought we were better than but were not

And i feel like i’m not the problem this time

For once

But idk how to not be the problem

How do you hold someone else accountable for somth and not be a wicked bitch ab it

I just want more effort

From him

and effective effort like think it through

maturity

considering your actions and how they impact ppl around you

like i feel like consideration is beat into girls from birth

like oh honey don’t be too loud

and boys are just boys

and dismissed like oh hehe they’re just like that

ARGGGG woman dating a man thing

and its not just that

like its also us and our experiences

mental labor fs fs

its so frustrating waiting for someone to catch up all the time and its also frustrating to have to bite your tongue and accommodate all the time

and I’ve planned most of our recent dates and activities and etc

and ik school is stressful and change is stressful

but i’m not just a ball you can drop when things get hard

and also like take me serious when i say things

when i want to go home, i do

its hard to get up when someone is sleepy next to you

and you don’t care ab being late but i do

And when you aren’t helpful in me getting up it i feel super unsupportive and like i’m fighting my sleepies and your sleepies

so i’m doing twice the work for no reason

and when i want to go home or go to bed like please be supportive of that

sleep is hard for me! and that’s not smth u understand

i can’t just nap

i feel like fucking shit when i don’t sleep well

and then i’m resentful

also don’t come to the gym if you’re on angry mode

either get it to fucking gether

or go solo

gym together is fun

do demon shit on your own time where its not gonna ruin my mood

it is so damn jarring and then i just don’t want to be there and i don’t want to be there with you and i just check out and want to go home as soon as possible

i’m sick of fighting in the gym its so cringe

How i want things to go:

I want you to show more effort in like mature adult things and like considerate effort

not just like oh here i tried

like try to do it right

this isn’t completion credit

i just want to feel like you care enough about me and respect me enough to put in genuine effort

i want you to work on some of your habits now bc it takes a long time to change them

look up the science idc - its like roughly two months

you know how to cook and i want you to also be capable of making major food group meals

demonstrated independence

- look up recipes

- cleaning initiative

- cleaning stove and kitchen is great! more of that

- yes ik ur a boy but i’m not lowering my standards that’s just shitty for me, also maybe examine why boys aren’t as clean (bc its not expected, its not demonstrated, societal attitudes towards who’s job it is to do stuff)

- i want to to feel like equal partnership

- look for housing: proactive in developing criteria and getting familiar with the market and how things go

- just bc ur scared of your roommates doesn’t mean you wait days to do your dishes, like a little bit of face your uncomfortable-ness

- i want moving in together to be an upgrade for me (and for u but it already is)

[alasmydearatlas]

okay i figured out the why I’ve been so mad at M recently

I was actually just displeased and stressed and mad at myself and worried ab school and academics (and u know the academic validation = self worth thing)

So I’ve been projecting that insecurity onto him bc i feel like if i’m not good enough ill get broken up with

and i don’t want that to happen so i’m like i’ll break up w him first (hence the looking for flaws)

And the cc/four year difference is one of our major (?) points of tension and also very close to my insecure spot so like i honed in on that

but i was actually just jealous of his much more balanced approach to school and self worth and etc etc

[alasmydearatlas]

practicing!! practicing patience !!

okay workshop time - three areas i am inpatient:

when my music doesn't load/connect

when bf says smth i don't agree with/have a strong emotinal response to and i respond without thinking

when people talk slow/redundantly

now i am aware and i can practice patience !! specifically in these areas

[alasmydearatlas]

okay further reflecting!!

i am time wise feeling smothered a bit but emotionally neglected

like we keep having a bunch of time but its not all quality time and i need recharge time

i love causal time! but this rn is too much casual time i think

like when blanaced with the time we spend together

action item? i want to add question to check in - do we like how/how much time we've spent together these past two weeks? (& plan future time for next two weeks)

i think what i'm feeling missing is intentionality

i'm a flit about-er ! that's just how i am by nature and i like to have a base to come home to and tend to but not be trapped there

and to put this in a constructive way as to what i would like

i would like us to be celebratoy (?) of each others freinds enganments and other stuff and proactive about setting our own activites together

like literally priority on what we do together

i would like i think max of two meals at one persons house

otherwise i think it becomes too much ? for me at least rn i am open to revisiting this

cooking esp for me is like me time and self care and i think thats part of why i have felt a little cramped emotionally

[alasmydearatlas]

ahhhrg and the self defense class

idk how to tell him i want to do it together but not like with him as my partner

depending on how it goes tho

i just dont ever want to know what its like to be in a situation where i am defending myself from him, even for fakesies

i think that would just make me so uncomfortable

thats one of my biggest fears is that i got this wrong or i was wrong about another man or smth and they hurt me bc that is scary physically and such an emotional betrayl

but idk how to communicate that as a lack of trust in him

but its scary as a woman and its a real fear and not smth he really experiences

so it scary

and idk how to explain

but i will think about it

[alasmydearatlas]

thinking about writing again and how a character's biggest flaw is often also their biggest strength

and how no trait is wholly good or wholly bad and it's how you use it and take advantage of it and play to your strengths

and im thinking ab that in terms of relationships

im feeling very insecure in my relationship rn

i guess this kinda our first (second??) really big season of change

it's our second and it's not about me this time

and i have to figure out how to deal with that and be supportative and also take care of myself too

and i'm trying to figure out how i dont want to feel and how i do want to feel and how this can be smth that makes us stronger not just tolerate

and also prevent premptively contempt

scary

terrifying thought

falling from love to contempt

ugh its crazy this is totally one of those chose the relationship times

we in real life now grrr

not in a honeymoon phase

it okay i think we will get back as we settle in

there is just a lot and anxiety is high

right now (in context of our relationship) i am feeling:

disconnected

on the wrong foot

helpless

insecure about what i bring to the table

oversaturated ??

shut out a bit

and i keep thinking about our conversation in the car on the way down from this weekend

and like the phrase "giving up on you" and how he said he didn't want to and i don't want to

but it's humbling that that thought would cross my partners mind even briefly

like not that i think i'm above being broken up with

but like it's grounding and a reality check a bit i guess

and super vunerable

like someone saw me and sees me and still loves me and actively chooses me even when sometimes my actions hurt them unintentionally and so now i am very intrinsically motivated to do better and wear down some of my sharp edges

i wish to work on my patience

and my judgmental comments

and actively pursuing an "us" and putting him into consideration of my plans

and not like rouge lone wolfing as much

i think some of that comes from unmet needs of alone time and independence

i dont want to feel like i disappoint you every time i hang out with my friends

but i also want to be sensetive to the fact that he is alone here in terms of no friends and stuff

and learning to adult alone, like almost totally alone for the first time ever

but i can't neglect myself to do that

and i really don't want to feel like a crutch

that would make me very resentful

and i think that's why i've been acting out a little lately and this weekend

i think maybe some of it comes from feeling trapped and smothered a little bit

our lives are typically much more seperate

and i'm not sure how much to check in and make plans and how far in advance and etc etc etc

idkkkkk

long distance is kinda nice sometimes

not ideal set up fs but it does have some really nice perks

like he was so quiet and distant today but then still called dell ab my power chord???!?!?!?

maybe it's just not about me

idk i'm still feeling really raw and oversensetive

i think we shall have a chats on or after our walk tonight

maybe i invite him back for a cup of tea !! or smth !

okay i go read about biggest flaws in relationships on the internet and come back to reflect in a bit

[alasmydearatlas]

sometimes i see wlw art and its so good and i get so sad that i’m dating a boy

And i like him rather quite a lot and don’t plan on not being with him anytime soon

But i get sad on missing out on that queer joy of being a woman in love with another woman (baring whatever the fuck happened in hs that was just traumatizing)

idk its weird like i wish we had met later after i had fucked around a bit more or like maybe after we both had fucked around a little more

but i am also so damn glad we met

like i’m also so glad that i don’t have to deal with the anxiety and stress that comes with casual relationships

And its not like i didn’t date a bit

Also the honeymoon phase is wearing off a bit i think

And were both in a really stressful point of life (moving back to school/moving away for the first time)

going back to my real life but new house for a bit and family stuff and coming back and readjusting and etc etc etc

and its weird bc i wanna say i feel forever about him but i don’t wanna jinx it and put that pressure on our relationship even just inside my head

But i actively enjoy being with him and he makes my life better and i really like what we have going

i’m gonna go read my pro con list from when i was gonna break up w him i’m curious

We’d been dating for literally one month at this point

Wow lowkey same issues (not issues but like u know, catch points, things to reflect on) as now

being bi in a straight facing relationship

missing out on experience

But that’s also experience i made up in my head

I think a lot of those same benefits u get from sleeping casually with people u can get by just like…talking to people at parties and making new friends

And having comfortable home-like hot and safe sex with someone you love

and it’s probably way better than rando sex

flirting is just a very cheap social interaction like it let’s you get away with asking a bunch of questions and studying someone without like…idk

like its just expected and so u can use that to your advantage for entertainment but not like maliciously if that makes sense

I’m so glad we didn’t break up just so i could sleep around abroad that was a dick move to even think about doing

fell in love instead and it is so much better

Heheheh

I think next time i hang out with his friends i’m gonna be much less intoxicated or maybe even fully sober

I just get so nervous and then i get high and then i get stupid and quiet except for the giggles and its so embarrassing but its way too awkward to insert yourself into a group of guys who have known each other since middle school and ughhhh scaryyyy

its so true like you turn 21 and drink way less

also my liver rest results made me scared a little so i am def laying off on the heavy boozing

m o d e r a t i o n

slay i love having a new goal

[alasmydearatlas]

good day good day

good day which make me happy

reaffirms why i love bf so much !!!

he notices and pays attention when i’m having an off time and he knows me well enough and cares enough to figure out that i was overwhelmed before i could really explain what was wrong more than a shrug

and he makes me feel empowered and okay to feel things out in my own time

and like he made me pasta and offered me his fav root beer cold from the fridge and it wasn’t a trap or like a set up or anything

and i’m trying to do better at recognizing my own wants and desires and acting on them

bc they have inherent worth and value bc i have inherent worth and value

and i explained a little why the week of being around such fuck ass conservative men really grated on my nerves

and he listened and asked questions and it was like a good productive discussion

and i feel like really it was good team work and stuff

also i think we’re really good at this

:)

i love us heheheh

Also bad day bc like moving soon and tired and endlessly the eldest daughter and lonely and i miss my girl friends and whatnot

but you know they come and go and everything’s a bit of a mixed grey in the end

[alasmydearatlas]

times i fell in love with you: a list

1) at the red light looking at the moon with you

2) when i realized how pretty your cheekbones were

[alasmydearatlas]

3) when you told me how you hadn’t told anyone we had had sex yet, bc you didn’t want it to come off like locker room talk

and you weren’t excited that it was sex, you were excited that it was sex with me

[alasmydearatlas]

4) the way you giggle when i make a weird face at you it makes me want to make you laugh forever

[alasmydearatlas]

5) when you watched the 1989 announcement livestream without even telling me or me asking just to share in something i care about

[alasmydearatlas]

6) the way i feel so insanely seen when i am with you