Upon the Distinction Between the Ashes of the Various Tobaccos @alchemistdoctor - Tumblr Blog

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eggings

apparently almost no one’s seen the video it’s free real estate comes from so here it is

heatandapathy

This is an absolute religious experience that I was not prepared for

soulsistrin

Whoever did the caps for this deserves an award

liifeintechniicolour

Can never not reblog this, a Scottish national treasure 😂

noraspancakes

Always reblog the Scottish roofer

tauforged

why does my caladium act like she is starving for light. hang on

tauforged

every day i ahve to reposition the damn lamp cuz she’s dead set on sticking her first leaf Right The Fuck In There and i don’t want her to burn. but every day i come home from work and she has closed the distance anyway. bestie PLEASE cooperate with me

tauforged

i finally caved and moved her to the windowsill but this has clearly not satisfied her because she still presses that leaf RIGHT up against the glass

tauforged

apparently instead of actually growing new leaves in order to increase her light intake she’s decided that these are PERFECT conditions to flower in

BABYGIRL YOU HAVE ONE LEAF PLEASE

dejectedcherry

tired old grump

i-may-be-batman

I miss my stupid lil disaster loser guy!! Bring him back!!

deadbirdlife

Today my Advanced Clinical Pathology professor trailed off in the middle of class and said, “If I seem distracted, it’s because last night I was talking with a friend and she asked ‘Who’s that chick in Titanic?’ but all I heard was ‘Chicken Titanic,’ and ever since then I’ve been thinking about a chicken on the bow of the Titanic like Kate Winslet, wings held high. It’s all I can think about.”

deadbirdlife

My hand moved on its own

magicratfingers

so rare and beautiful when the art is exactly the image u saw in your mind

stardial

there’s just something about the word cock that makes me think of penis

bbyhog

STOP!!!!

bbyhog

this is acgually a symptom of ADHD

kotatko-v-kosicku

SCROLL BACK UP THIS IS A TUMBLR POST

jame7t

Do not scroll up. This makes mustard gas

literallyjustaspider-deactivate

Fact Check:

Mustard is a Condiment, not a Gas.

Source

papayafromtv

one of those AU's where Tim doesn't want to be adopted into the Wayne family so he decides to be a little shit and convinces the Red Hood of Crime Alley to sign as his legal guardian to piss off Bruce, not knowing that by doing so he is technically being adopted into the Wayne family anyway because he doesn't initially know that the Red Hood is Jason Todd,

anyway one of those AU's except after convincing Hood to sign the papers the highs of teenage rebellion calm down and he's left watching Hood clean up the body of a guy he just dispatched and he's like.... 'shit Bruce might actually fire me as Robin for this.' and then panics about keeping it a secret from the bats to save his job.

To be clear, Hood is a good father figure, and he sure as hell isn't a deadbeat; he shows up. it's obvious that Tim now is under the care of a man who cares and puts in effort; Tim now has to skip training so he can make it back in time for 'family dinners', his teachers are praising that he doesn't seem so tired anymore (Hood does not play about getting a good nights rest) and clearly is getting help in the subjects he sometimes struggles with (english lit), not to mention Tim very quickly learns that it does not matter what dark crime shit Hood is knee deep in when Tim realises he needs something, Hood will pick up his call. it's honestly weird how good at being a dad this guy is. but again, Tim is genuinely in fear for his wellbeing when Bruce finds out he -out of nothing but spite- got himself adopted by the one man in the city that Batman is genuinely struggling to take down. Bruce will Not Be Chill about Tim's new guardian being a murderer, he knows that. so he just keeps skipping around Bruce's suggestion that they meet and refuses to tell him the guy's name (he doesn't fucking know it himself to be fair, which is weird considering he has the spare key to the guys apartment), under the premise of 'he doesn't want his new dad to have to deal with bat levels of paranoia and investigation, B, seriously, mind your own business, he's fine.'

and then of course Tim eventually figures out his new dad is the presumed dead Jason Todd and the whole 'we can't let Bruce know' thing becomes even more important because Tim very much does not want to be in the middle of that and also doesn't that make Bruce his grandfather because holy fuck please no-

the only person who knows is Damian, who visits Jason during family dinner, takes one look at the situation, turns to Tim, and says 'so does this make you my nephew then?'. Tim wants to kill him.

thing is that Bruce is starting to get more and more jealous about how much Tim seems to like his new 'dad', and how well he's doing under the guy's guardianship. this of course leads him to get suspicious and he starts trying to show up more in Tim's public civilian life just so he can get a glimpse of this new secretive 'guardian'.

the issue is that the entirety of Gotham loves Bruce Wayne and are aware that he's always been a 'family friend' of the Drakes for years. so of course they let the man do whatever he wants when he shows up saying he's there for Tim, especially when Tim claims that his new guardian 'doesn't like the idea of being in the limelight and therefor doesn't show up to public events'

the other issue is that Jason has gotten hardcore attached to Tim and is getting more and more bitter about the very obvious attempts from Bruce at stealing his new son, to the point where maybe people knowing Tim is being looked after by the Red Hood of Crime Alley doesn't sound like such a bad idea anymore...

anyway all of this is a very long-winded excuse for how we get to the point where Bruce gets himself admitted as one of the chaperones for Tim's school field trip, only to watch in horror as five minutes before they all leave the Red Hood shows up and proudly declares that as Tim's legal guardian he will also be attending, with the paperwork to prove it. he's been donating a shitton of money to the school for a while specifically for this reason, so the staff literally let him do whatever he wants. essentially Bruce ends up stuck on a school trip with the Red Hood, except he's in civilian form and can't do fuck all about it. worst part is Red Hood very clearly knows Bruce's identity, and is very clearly positively gleeful about the situation he has concocted.

the field trip is camping. Tim sits on the floor and buries his face in his hands for 2 hours straight while Hood and Brucie Wayne trade passive aggressive comments back and forth above him. because they're both chaperones, Bruce and Hood are asked to share a tent. in the evening they make smores and Bruce makes a snippy comment about how Hood won't be able to eat his through the helmet. Hood calmly smushes melted marshmallow into Bruce's hair. as a civilian, there is literally nothing he can do but stare across the fire at Tim in complete betrayal.

that evening Damian receives a text.

Tim: yeah you win you can be robin. cause theres no fucking way i'll be keeping my job after this. Tim: ur dad might have to shave his head btw. Damian: genuinely what the fuck is going on over there Tim: my dad could beat ur dad up any day. Damian: ??? not arguing but i thought you were camping. Tim: he brought an axe. Damian: fucks sake jason

antlered-vixen

I am so tired of short-attention-span, trim-the-fat culture. All writing advice these days is for how to write like Chuck Palahniuk. "Cut 'think', cut 'feel', cut 'wonder' - only action, only pushing forward, show and move and move and move." What if I could emulate this style, and still don't want to? What if I want to write like Henry James, with three paragraphs of introspective musings between each dialogue line? The music advice is, "make it shortform, make it Tik-Tok compatible, make it punchy, hit the refrain as soon as possible." What if I want that 10-minute prog rock piece? What if I want that symphony? What if I want it slow and luxurious and lazy? Movies. Series. Poetry. Bodies. Everything is "trimmed trimmed trimmed trimmed, stripped bare, you have three seconds to win me over, make it airport chic." I don't want to win you over, then, I guess. I want the fat left it. I want the pleasure and the indolence and the indulgence. Fuck this art-advice that's always "your art needs Ozempic."

papayafromtv

ok but can't we have Jason and Damian being siblings but like. less protective and father-son vibes of brotherhood and more 'yeah we're chill but like he does what he wants' kind of brotherhood? because honestly i want stray-cat Damian right now.

listen i would just very much like to see a Jason that trusts Damian to be independent enough that when he brings the kid to Gotham he goes 'ok so like, do you want me to break in and drop you in the cave, or introduce you to B on patrol, or just leave you on the doorstep..?' and Damian thinks for a second before being like '....i mean do i have to go to him straight away? you're the one that taught me to scope out new situations before i enter them.' and Jason trusts Damian enough that he just shrugs and says 'yeah i guess that's true. i have a spare bedroom in my new apartment, so i guess as long as you don't make too much of a mess you can just come and go as you please until you go to the manor'.

so essentially Damian is left to his own devices while he susses out Gotham and figures out his own plan for how he's going to handle being the public blood son of Bruce Wayne. him and Jason will pass each other on the rooftops sometimes, or nod to each other over breakfast, but Damian is pretty much just Jason's stray cat of a little brother doing whatever. Jason trusts the kid, and he's got a lot of his own shit to handle anyway, Crime Alley and Joker-wise.

to be honest what i really want is just Damian chilling in the background of Gotham's elite for like six months before Bruce, Tim, or Dick even know who this kid is. he's sneaking into events to gather information and pretending to be a staff member's child allowed to hang behind the bar, doing his own fucking side quests and honestly just entertaining himself by seeing how close he can get to the family before they clock that something's up with him.

look--the bats may be the greatest detectives in the world, but even they fall into the trap of not paying attention to the 'unimportant' people at high-end events. Damian has literally had 7+ conversations with Tim at different events about random shit and Tim has yet to remember him a single time. he's served his own father canapes at events in Wayne manor despite very much not having been hired as a waiter because he is very clearly underage. Bruce was so busy pretending to be drunk he didn't clock it. the hardest Jason has ever laughed in his life was when Damian came home one night holding a polaroid picture of Damian and Dick together, signed by Dick, because Damian thought it would be funny to rush up to the guy pretending to be a Wayne fanatic and asking for a selfie. it's on Jason's fridge.

there's probably a moment when Damian's pretending to be like. a really short valet at a gala and he comes across Alfred, and i like to think there's probably a moment where Alfred clocks the face of a boy who is very clearly related to Bruce, and the two just stare at each other silently for a while. Damian expected this, Jason told him Alfred was too used to Wayne shit not to catch on.

'may i inquire as to your name?' '...Damian, sir.' 'and do you have a safe, warm place to go back to tonight?' 'yes, sir. i'm staying with one of my brothers. you'll like him, when i introduce you.' 'i see. your mother's name?' 'Talia Al Ghul.' 'ah, of course. well then, Master Damian. i do hope you know i'll have your bedroom prepared for whenever you're ready to come home. i believe your father will be impressed with your skills.' '...thank you, Pennyworth.' 'anytime.'

and then they just part ways and Damian continues to do his side quest undercover bullshit for like, another three months. after a while he gets bored and just shows up on Bruce's doorstep and literally never mentions the fact that he's already been around for like. a year before he told Bruce he was his son. just pretends he arrived the day before and this is all new to him. they only realise what happened far in the future, when Jason is back in the family and Dick visits his apartment for the first time, and he clocks the fucking signed fan-selfie of what is now obviously him and Damian. he gets so confused about when the fuck it was taken because ??? Damian hates being on camera ??? and all Jason can do is start laughing so hard he cries.

queer-as-city-folk

Helen of Troy should have killed, I would have done so in her situation

queer-as-city-folk

Like the gods telling this fuckass boy to kidnap me because he called one of them pretty, and then being trapped in the palace for 10 years, I think I'd have killed

queer-as-city-folk

This wouldn't have even been the first time she got kidnapped because of how pretty she was, like Thesus kidnapped her when she was a literal child. Then after that all the Greek kings come together to decide which of them gets to marry her, like being Helen of Troy would have actually been horrid

alchemistdoctor

"Helen of Troy started wars," they say, and they mean, "men warred over her beauty".

But they are more accurate than they know.

Helen of Troy started wars. Deliberately,

insinuating here, a sly nudge there, a wink -

a devastating smile -

a nod of approval.

Sick of being an object, a trophy,

something to be banged on a bed and paraded in a throne room.

This is self defense, she thinks,

guilt free as she watches

kings and princes

lords and heroes

slaughter one another to prove they can own her.

The gods are taking bets, she knows. Some have stepped down from their posts

made friends, allies, enemies

fighting between.

Is this power? she asks from the tower. Yes, she starts wars-

but the wars always end with her a spoil of them.

Gods and men fight with her name on their lips, but they do not fight for her.

Helen of Troy started wars.

#bad poetry

papayafromtv

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 14 (masterpost here) *Tim and Damian walking into the kitchen with empty mugs, putting them in the sink while Alfred cooks.*

Tim, smug: he does,

Damian, beginning to wash up: *hisses* i'm not arguing with you, i just don't see why it matters.

Tim: are you kiddi- Dami, it's your first crush!

Damian: it's not though???

Tim: ok- well, it's the first time a guy's had a proper crush on you at least. do you seriously not like him back?

Damian: *scoff* 'proper', this is Jon Kent we're talking about. he gets a crush on anybody who ruffles his hair. you should have seen the first time Jason complimented his ability to fly, i thought i'd have to kick him out the manor to get away from the puppy adoration.

Tim: he's such a sweet kid though! i thought you guys were really close, anyway, do you really not reciprocate anything romantic?

Damian: of course not. i have no interest in human relationships.

Alfred, interrupting Tim with a warning glare: and that is perfectly fine, Damian. relationships do not define us.

Tim, rolling his eyes: well yeah, obviously, all that aroace acceptance shit; i just think it would be cute to have him as a younger brother in law.

Damian: *eyebrow raise* so get over yourself and ask out the clone?

Tim, abruptly going red: i-i don't know what-

Damian, exasperatedly throwing the dish towel at him: oh for fucks sake, Drake.

Tim: IT'S COMPLICATED.

Damian, giving a disgusted look: ugh. everything's complicated with you people. fucking romance.

Tim, whining: alright, alright, i'm just mourning the potential Damian-Jon wedding, that's all.

Damian, as he walks over to open the fridge: *casual* ...oh. well there's no need for that, i still plan on marrying him.

Alfred: *drops his spoon*

Tim: ....EH?

Damian, blinking cluelessly: well it would be beneficial? he is clearly affectionate of me, which is good for loyalty, and his meta abilities make him very useful in a lot of situations, which makes him a good potential right-hand. marriage is just a business contract, after all.

*complete baffled silence*

Damian: plus, a relationship that has no possibility for producing an heir will severely disappoint my grandfather, which Jason tells me should always be a priority.

Alfred, genuinely speechless: ...and this is a plan you've... thought about?

Damian: *shrug* not much? it just seems a no brainer.

Tim: ...does Jon not get a say in this?

Damian: well i assume he'll have to say i do at some point, so yes.

Alfred: and you think this is an arrangement Jon would be ok with?

Damian: i'm sure he's fine with it.

Tim: how the hell would you know that?!

Damian, looking at them as if they're stupid: ...because he's in the manor and has super hearing? i assume that if he was against the idea he would have spoken up by now.

Alfred:

Tim:

Damian:

Jon, faintly from the other side of the manor: I'M UP FOR IT!!! WE JUST HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL I'M AN ADULT, DAD SAYS SO.

Tim:

Alfred:

Damian: i told you it didn't have to be complicated.

papayafromtv

like, 90% of the time when i see Tim Drake as Joker Junior stuff it includes Jason being like, either traumatised or really uncomfortable with the whole thing because of the Ethiopia incident, but i gotta say i think the opposite would be wayyyyy more entertaining.

Jason finds out Tim was turned into Joker Junior and was, in essence, Joker's adopted son for a while, and his first instinctual thought is 'alright well that kid has to be mine now.'

like, i don't think a lot of us take into account regarding the Joker that Jason isn't always just... terrified of everything Joker-centric. he straight up stole the Red Hood mantle from the guy. he loves jokerized seasoning on his fries. when he first came back to Gotham to kill the Joker he just kinda nabbed him and threw him in a closet all tied up for a while so he could go antagonise Bruce. like, Jason doesn't give a fuck. it's not always fear that fuels his rage against the Joker, it's fuckin' spite.

with that in mind, i think it would be funnier if Jason found out that Joker tried to make Tim into his son and instantly responded with 'ok well fuck the Joker, Tim is now MY son.' and Bruce just has to watch forlorn from the batcomputer as his kid is stolen by his other kid like. at least they aren't fighting this time?

i think Tim was supremely worried about Jason's reaction to Joker Junior stuff, too. like. he fully thought he'd spark a panic attack or get himself killed once Jason found out. instead he accidentally lets out a Joker-laugh one time and Jason's just like fuck yeah kid let it out.

Tim: ...does it not freak you out, or like, remind you of him? Jason: buddy are you joking? i'm wearing one of his old costumes. i have stolen his child. that man is a narcissist who loves attention, the worst revenge we can do to him is to just take all his gimmicks and leave him a nobody. steal his fucking laugh, Timmers, we gotta take that asshole for all he's worth. Tim: ...huh. you know i never thought of it that way. Jason: yeah. me and Harley are thinking of starting up a FWB situation just to really ruin his day. Bruce, yelling from three rooms away: *completely resigned* please do not do that, Jason, ignoring him: -it will also piss off Bruce, which is two birds one stone. Bruce: Jason please i went to school with her. Jason: if we start a family group chat i'll add you, don't worry. Tim: Tim: your way of dealing with trauma is weird.

infectiouspiss

violence and death and dying and blood and guts and gore and violence and viscera and fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

ospreyonthemoon

@markscherz do you know what type of frog this is? I can't tell if its a small adult or a baby frog.

markscherz

This is a juvenile Chacophrys pierottii, arguably the most comically proportioned frog ever. Here is an adult. If I had not taken this photo myself I would think it’s some kind of ridiculous meme render.

These are also the frogs that bury themselves in a backwards spiral that is seriously relatable.

fadingembers

As a kid, I was really upset that Bill Watterson wouldn't license Calvin & Hobbes so I could have plushies or so there would be a Saturday morning cartoon. Now, I realize his resistance is the reason we don't have a Calvin & Hobbes DreamWorks movie starring Chris Pratt.

passumbapper

it's almost summer do you guys want my stupid hyperoptimized lemonade recipe that takes half a day to make and whips absolute ass

passumbapper

Fruited Lemonade That Makes You Reconsider It All

ingredience:

lemons/limes (this needs to make up the bulk of the fruit being used, like at least 80%)

whatever other fruits or fruit scraps you want, plus any herbs/other flavorings you want to try. by fruit scraps I mean things like cherry pits, apple peels, pineapple cores, strawberry ends, things like that.

granulated white sugar, the coarser the better, 50% by weight of total citrus rinds + 100% by weight of any additional fruit. you'll measure this after you prep the fruit.

water as needed

equipment:

a few nonmetallic mixing bowls

a mesh strainer

a chinoise, ricer or some cheesecloth

a kitchen scale

a citrus juicer or reamer (manual or electric)

a potato masher

juice the citrus through a strainer - saving all rinds - and refrigerate the juice for the time being. dice the rinds and other fruits if any, keeping the rinds separate. make note of weights, and measure your sugar.

Place sugar in a large nonmetallic bowl. If using non-citrus fruits and/or any other flavorings, mix them in with the sugar and mash with potato masher. add diced citrus rinds, mix thoroughly, and mash again. cover and let stand at room temperature for at least 4 hours. this allows the sugar to draw out flavors that would otherwise get discarded with the rinds, and the rinds' acids should be enough to dissolve the sugar into a syrup.

Afterward, mash one last time, then collect the syrup by pressing the macerated mixture through a strainer/chinoise or ricer, or squeeze it through cheesecloth. if you want, this can be saved as a standalone syrup at this point, for use in cocktails or desserts. if not, slowly pour the reserved juice through the solids to to help get the remaining syrup out, and squeeze/press again. do the same thing one more time with warm water (roughly the same amount of water as juice). discard solids (or try making sangria with them!).

taste the mixture and add more water if necessary. a stronger mix is totally fine if you anticipate serving over ice on a hot day, or adding booze, or if there was a lot of non-sour fruit. keep in mind that it will taste a bit less sweet once it's chilled. pour into a pitcher and refrigerate.

citrus oils will float to the top, so stir/shake before serving. love you. enjoy.

some tried and true flavor combos:

straight lemon or lime, or any combination of the two, is of course an untouchable classic

lemon & strawberries (that's pussy babe!)

lemon & orange with a hint of vanilla (creamsiclemonade...?)

lemon & apples or apple peels with cinnamon/ginger/allspice (for late summer)

some cocktail type combos, booze optional:

lemon or lime & berries with basil + gin

lime & mint + white rum

lime & ginger + dark rum

lime & cucumber + gin

lime & orange (berries optional) + tequila