Sweet Deal Brah!!

Alek(sandr). "No! Try not. Do, or do not, there is no try."

[aleksandrawr]

Summer 2k14 (draft from 2014)

I had this huge motivation to redeem ourselves and recapture that elusive summer spirit that we had lost last year. And as I sit here, on my last night in SCV, I like to think #wedidit. Honestly, this room feels even more like home than it did before, and it hurts knowing that this chapter in my life is closing. 

It's bittersweet, but I'm glad we all made those memories. Through the work life, the school life, the vacation life, we still made time for each other in our busy schedules.

Over the past couple years of being on my own, away from family and friend's that I consider my second family, I've met a wide arrange of people, but only a few special friends that I could really trust and add to my inner circle. I've waded through fakeness and insincerity to realize just how lucky and blessed to call these wonderful people my friends. There's no one like you guys and girls. I don't tell them enough how much they mean to me, I just hope they can see it, or better yet, feel it, with everything I do and everything I say. 

There's just something so intimate and special about sharing something. Sharing it with someone who gives a damn to listen to you, and recognizing just how important it can be to you. Those kind people are rare in our stage of life. 

From a summer full of 4:20 and 5:05 snaps and amazing concert experiences, the most significant change has to be finding that new resurgence of self-importance and self-worth. I always prided myself on doing everything I could for my friends, even at the cost of myself, and even now I still do. But that urge had turned into a necessity, and soon, I felt unable to do anything for myself. I wasn't comfortable being me. It was like I needed someone there to watch me, and if no one was there, then was the point? Living all the way in San Diego, was I in a city or an island? 

And here I am, looking at the Fall semester, with the same unrealistic optimism that has found me every summer, standing a little taller than I have before with hopes of finally following through with those big words of mine. 

[aleksandrawr]

environmental products (draft from 2014)

90% of the time when i'm walking around, I think to myself, "what the fuck am i doing here?" I mean, 90% is an exaggeration, but the idea has always been in the back of my mind. College, like the rest of the "real world", is just a social collage of different people and experiences. I'm just not sure how my "world" measures up to everyone else's. 

Blah blah blah, "get out of your comfort zone" blah blah blah. I've done it, I've tried it, I have my own opinion of it. The first two-three weeks of my freshman year, I was so fake I honestly forgot how to laugh like my usual self, until I went back home and spent some quality time with my friends. I changed so much about myself, I forgot how to fucking laugh properly. After a couple more red flags, I figured that it was time to just "do me". 

I've been doing "me" for a good time now, and it hasn't been "crazy", "super exciting", or anything like what people think when they think of San Diego, but it's been "me" and I can at least say that confidently.

I observe, it's what I do. I'd much rather listen to someone else's life story, than to bore them with mine. I remember the bright lights and the dark times, turning it up to 11 and the nights spent in silence, but most importantly, even if I forgot every detail, I'd never forget how it made me feel. And lately, "doing me" has meant being a judgmental, almost frigid, prick half the time. It's harsh, but we're always our toughest critics. You grow up listening and dealing with other people's assumptions of yourself, you start believing them. And soon, you start judging everyone right back, feeding into this vicious cycle of preconceived notions. You coast around the walkway of handouts, tables, and flyers, watching out for those people who give you about a two second glance and figure "nah, he's not getting one". It's simple, it's honestly quite meaningless, and if we traded positions, who wouldn't do the same. But god, the sentiment clings to you like a koala from a branch, in a really non-cute douche-y way.

People aren't the problem, my attitude is. That and a closeted uninteresting personality that constantly throws me out of my element, make for a less than stellar combination in a city that strives on good looks and sociability. You take the bad with the good, the fun times with the tough ones, and you survive. Who knows, I could be in a hundred different places instead and still feel the same way. It all comes back to me and what I make out of it. 

[aleksandrawr]

#14.5

There are times when I starve myself from you, because it makes the moment sweeter when I see you. But I can't...feel that way for you anymore. I shouldn't. Because I know you don't feel the same. I know that I have fallen off your totem pole of priorities, while you sit on top this mountain in my heart, as I lay buried beneath your being. I know that there will be times where I remember that joke you made at the shaved ice stop, or the outfit you wore on the first night we actually went out; and there will be times when you forget about the plans we made, or the words I've said, or even how I used to make you feel. I try not to think, that I am only a drop in your ocean. Maybe a wave or two you got to ride before heading back to shore. But you were the sand, sea, and air of my paradise, everything that made it whole. And now I see you and I feel...conflicted. As if the two halves in my brain can't agree on how to feel. Do we hate her? Do we love her? Does she even care about us? Why can't I go back to how I felt before, the way a boy looks at a girl in his math class who's way to out of his league. Daydreaming, but never too lost in the sauce. I can't handle the way she dances, knowing that it used to be my hand that she held. I can't handle, how she is making me feel, and she's not even doing anything. I didn't mean to fall in love, I really didn't. I didn't mean to scare her away with it...I really didn't.

[kansass-deactivated20230224]

being nice is so easy just do it

[aleksandrawr]

14: Empathy

Sometimes, I swear being level-headed can be a weakness. You know what it feels like to be lashed out in anger, so you vow to never take that step towards someone. But then they see that they can get away with it, that you won't return their anger, and their eyes glow up, knowing that they'll be able to walk all over you. Sometimes all you need is a good overreaction to get people to respect you. Or not, who knows. Hopefully I don't blow up at the wrong time.

[aleksandrawr]

Be Right There

Late-night, posted in a parking lot with boba in the cup holders, she asked me, “How are you doing Alek?”

I looked out the car window, with a heavy heart and best intention, that I was “just trying to keep myself together”. I am angry, but not vengeful. I am hurt, but not broken. I am down, but not out. I understand, and it is the most bittersweet feeling in the world. To understand how important timing is, and how unkind the world can be to two beautiful people who just want to be together. It’s bittersweet, being level-headed and reasonable, when you want to break down walls and curse into the air. I have all this passion that had her name on it, that was so ready to become ‘love’, that now floats aimlessly within me. It wants to break out, and be free, but knows it has no where to go. And sometimes that passion escapes in the form of bitterness, and I have to jump on this grenade and squander it with my soul.

Every time I fall out of love, I understand more and more why people are so bitter about it. She asked me one night, “Are you a heartbreaker?”, and I wanted to sarcastically reply with “I wish”. The truth was she was talking to someone who had been beaten by his own heart, who fell for those with no intention of returning the favor, whose kindness was taken for granted; but also someone who didn’t let the past stop him from losing out on love, a hopeless romantic.

I’ve stood in her corner to fan the flames, and make sure she never gave up, when that’s all she could see. I know how hard she fights for what she believes in. I’ve seen the passion in her eyes and in her heart when she gives it her all. It’s inspiring, to say the least. It hurts, knowing this time, I can’t make her fight for us.

She was unbelievably sweet, I swear I’m diabetic now. She was a Sunday-morning-breakfast type of girl, the best kind there is. She was a shooting star passing thru my night sky, beautiful and unyielding, but hot to the touch if I held too long. So here I am, in the ER with burnt fingertips, wishing her hand was in mine. I opened up myself to let her take root, and make a home in my heart. The kindest soul when the world had been anything but kind, I wanted to show her love. To provide her solace and peace when the world turned cruel and unforgiving. To dry her tears so her eyes could shine bright for the world to see. To be right there for her.

I got all this love, waiting for you

She’s in the songs I drive to, so I probably shouldn’t be allowed to get behind the wheel for awhile. It’s a gift to think about someone when their song comes on, that out of all the people in our life, you heart points towards one person. I had found someone with an equal, if not greater passion, for music, and it just made her all the more beautiful. The way she loses herself to the music, eyes closed and head bobbing, matching the rhythm in my heart. I saw us dancing through the summer nights we’ll never have. I’m just glad to have shared one.

I wanted the limelight with her, wanted to show the world what a beautiful soul I was blessed with to have by my side. And I was scared, I felt like I was at my first festival, and she was the three-year veteran. Following her lead, I gave her trust, at a time when I found it hard to trust those close to me. For me, besides the physical and emotional, it was the highest form of flattery I could give. I was so ready to give her everything.

I cannot survive in the time of hook-ups and summer flings. No matter how hard I try not to, I’m the one always falling. It’s just the way my heart is wired. There is no Saturday night rebound, there is just lots and lots and lots and lots of time improving the self, in the hopes that “next time”, whenever that is, I will be ready. I only know how to go at one speed: to give it my all. I hope she could feel that.

[aleksandrawr]

#14: Wine Bottles

I’ve had a bad run in with wine bottles over the past couple years. This “wine bottle” always seems to be this gift that never gets to be given. Holding on to them, knowing that “that” night will be your last night with them. 

These bottles sit in my fridge, taunting me like “you wish you could drink this with her”, knowing damn well you never will. Other times they explode in your freezer (you have to learn the hard ways sometime). Maybe I should stop buying wine as a gift, it never seems to work out as intended.

[aleksandrawr]

Show Me Love

Don't let me show cruelty Though I may make mistakes Don't let me show ugliness Though I know I can hate And don't let me show evil Though it might be all I take Show me love Show me love Show me love

[aleksandrawr]

13: Lucky Number

My graduation is the day after Friday the 13th. Fitting I suppose. It’s also in 13 days. Where has the time gone? 

13 fucks left to give, 13 boxes of Panda to buy, 13 more nights without her. 

[pinakotekams]

They had not been seen together in the museum galleries for quite a while. Monet’s “Women with Umbrellas” are once again side by side in the Impressionist gallery.

[peggaboo]

AND THEN THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE END!!!!

[amarguerite]

omg perfect

[rockhardgeologist]

[uglyrad]

when your friends are too turnt and you’ve gotta look after them

[champagnekiss-n-butterflywishes]

[ripplewatershine-deactivated201]

[florats]

think about this

[astrocyte-deactivated20171202]

when you open a text just to get rid of the notification 

[aleksandrawr]

#12: SOS

“I think I love you”

It just repeats in my head, ping-ponging around, but never slipping out of my mouth. Maybe because I know how crazy it sounds, the dumb part of me still wants to play charades.

They tell me she’s dangerous, and I tell them my middle name is “dangerous”. They tell me she’s not good for me, and I reply “since when have they ever been good?” They tell me “don’t”, and it makes me want to prove them wrong. 

She seems so at peace when she closes her eyes. I close mine and all I see is her. She’s so caring and thoughtful, it’s too good to be true. Every time I think I have her figured out, she finds a new way to burrow into my heart and continue making it her home. I’m not strong enough to say no. Not to her, and those eyes as bright as the moon, with a smile that could put the sunrise to shame. 

I’m just scared...scared that there’s someone else. That’s how it always turns out. You know it how it goes by now...

So cut the cord, push the eject button, find the nearest exit, and remove yourself before she removes a part of yourself and leaves you, fragmented and disheveled, unable to stand on both feet, staring at the ceiling with dimly-lit eyes, playing out mellow dramas of “what could have been” over and over in your head till your heart runs dry and you claw your own mind out of your brain. 

Or you can strap in.

She will take you for a ride. Are you ready?

[recentgooglesearches]

how to torrent an entire dog