‘-if you thought of someone besides yourself for a change!’
His words hung in the air like poisonous gas and Marlene’s breath hitched in her throat. She was grateful for the mask that covered the micro-expression on her face, so that Alexander couldn’t see the hurt that had flashed across them for a split second. He was wrong, he had to be wrong. But she hated that his words registered with a seed of doubt in the back of her mind.
Had it been her fault all along?
Memories flooded her mind. Tugging on her mother’s dress, or her father’s pant leg and either ignored completely or cruelly shoved away. Being locked in her room for hours on end while she screamed on the other side. And Merlin, the hunger. She remembered the hunger pangs so easily, as if it were yesterday. No, it wasn’t her fault. She’d been so desperate for her parent’s love and attention. Their rejection had come first, she reminded herself. Long before she became a “difficult” child.
“Don’t fucking gaslight me Alexander.” she growled, her voice thick with rage. A wave of emotions was threatening to overcome her and swallowed it down like bitter absinthe. “I was a child. And if I only think of myself, it’s because no one else did. You certainly didn’t. I had to put myself first to survive.” He didn’t deserve an explanation. He didn’t deserve any part of her.
So why was there a part of her still desperate for her brother’s love?
“I’ll get out of here when I’m done.” she snapped back “So if you don’t mind, I’ve got a manor to finish burning down.”
Alexander saw the brief flicker of doubt in his sister’s eyes, and he was suddenly glad that she was still wearing the mask so that he wouldn’t have to see the expression mirrored on her whole face. It was reminiscent of so many times before, when they were kids, when Marlene would look at him with that doubt and insecurity, practically begging him with her eyes to step up and treat her differently than their parents did.
He felt a twinge of guilt, and he knew that it wasn’t her fault, not really. He was the coward that was too focused on gaining their father’s approval to bother with the two people in the world who could only look to him for affection and protection.
Her words only reaffirmed what he already felt, and he took a step back, stung. He knew that he deserved it, but that didn’t mean it was pleasant. Alexander felt like he was looking at Marlene with new eyes -- for so long, he had been naive enough to pretend. To pretend that things weren’t past the point of repair, that Marlene would get over her grudges and eventually they would all be family again.
But he saw now that his naiveté was wrong. Marlene was gone, their relationship beyond the point of repair. He had stood back and let her be abused and neglected by their parents for too long, and she didn’t need him anymore. She didn’t consider herself a McKinnon, and he was still to cowardly to stand up to their parents and change that.
But that didn’t mean that he didn’t love her.
“Just--be careful, okay?” He said, his voice defeated. “Don’t get yourself burned along with this place.” There was nothing more to say, really, but he did want her to be safe.