Alexander Valdeau

Seeks to emancipate shackled emotions

[alexandervaldeau]

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The clouds ushered the sun goodbye,

Forsaking what fleeting warmth was left.

In its exile, the living can’t but cry,

Asking “is this your test?”.

“But there is hope dwelling yet”,

I said with unflinching fortitude.

With vigor, I promised not to fret,

Awaiting the girl, to which I allude.

I gazed upon her sillhouette,

studying each part with care.

Stopping, not to forget,

her eloquent amber hair.

In my dreams I knew,

it was all but a question of time,

‘til warmth again filled my view,

it was You, the heavenly sublime.

Alexander Valdeau, 2023-11-05

[alexandervaldeau]

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Recital of a poem I wrote 10 years ago as an homage to nature and simple life.

[alexandervaldeau]

Solen

Under en oskyldig sommarkväll sent i Juli tar följande dialog plats i mänsklighetens tiderum:

“Vad du står å ler för dig själv då!” sa hon med ett leende på läpparna. Han stog lutandes mot räcket och blickade ut över vattnet samtidigt som han blygsamt läppjade på ett glas vin. Han hade solglasögon och en blå linneskjorta på sig. Hans lediga kroppsspråk utstrålade ett anspråkslöst varande.

“Ja kära du, nu när jag blickar ut så här över det marinblåa vattnet med den gassande solen slog det mig att jag känner mig så oerhört lycklig just i denna stund. Kanske är det vinet, kanske är det solen, kanske är det du. Det är lite klurigt att beskriva, det här med känslor och så.” Han kände sig lite generad, ärligt talat visste han inte riktigt vad han ville förmedla. Det här med att vara glad har alltid varit främmande för honom. Men sedan han lärt känna henne så har en sovande del av hans hjärna väckts till liv. Hon kollade på honom med stora ögon samtidigt som hon höll tillbaks ett lite för dramatiskt leende. 

“Haha men du! Du har ju alltid ett sätt att beskriva världens alla konstigheter, kan du inte göra ett försök att beskriva vad det är du känner?” sa hon överdrivet förväntansfullt. Hon visste att han älskar att få frågor som tvingar honom att verkligen rannsaka vartenda vrå i hans varande.

“Ärligt talat så har jag inte riktigt tänkt på det försän nu. Men lite så här, …” fortsatte han. Han vände sig mot henne, talade animerat med klar röst. “... jag vill att du sluter dina ögon och drömmer dig bort till en sommar i Spanien. Jag vet att det är löjligt, men ha tålamod!” Hon fnissade. “Du sitter på en uteservering med en ljusrostad kaffe framför dig, det är precis efter lunch.” Han vände sig ut mot vattnet igen. Hon kunde inte hjälpa att smygkika på honom när han beskrev orsaken till hans anspråkslösa leende. Han forsatte: “Solen, som skyms av byggnaderna framför dig, ska precis göra entré. Du tänker inte så mycket på det, du hör folksorlet runt dig. Precis när du förnämnt surplar i dig en skvätt kaffe tittar solen fram, som om den enbart var där för att hälsa på just dig. Den fullständigt smeker din hud, du blir bländad och sluter dina ögon. Allt liv runtomkring dig fastnar i tiden. Din sinnesstämning förändras dramatiskt, du tror att solstrålarna är doppade i opium. Mitt i ruset slår det dig. Just i den stunden har du blivit fullständigt förälskad i nuet. Framtiden och dåtiden slutar existera och du finns bara för dig själv. Helt plötsligt förstår du att du för första gången lyssnar på glädjens symfoni, att du smakar på lyckans honung, och att du nosar på fröjdens lilja. Min kära flicka, det verkar som att du är solen i mitt liv."

Alexander Valdeau, Stockholm, 2022-05-16

[alexandervaldeau]

"Regret is a peculiar state of being. One tries to rationalise in every way possible to escape its grasp. An emotion inherently void of foresight, it digs its claws deeper into the flesh of the unwilling as to ensure existence remains in past tense. Til' one falters unto despair, one remains in its insidious embrace. Once in despair, metamorphosis is imminent, for better or worse. I pray the times will indulge me with mercy."

- Alexander Valdeau, Stockholm, 18 of December 2021

[alexandervaldeau]

"Somehow, I always end up coming late to the party. Usually, I'd be invited when no one else was around. It's funny, I'm so desperate for human interaction I have sacrificed my well-being. I've been pursuing "fun" and exciting times. Today, I do not know what that entails, except for the bitter taste it leaves behind as I trail in the wake of the vain, joyeous lot. I feel too much and share too little. The unforgiving silence wears heavy on me, too much I'm afraid. I am the back-up guy, when the social fiends find their lives lacking they see in me the potential I do not. What potential you ask? Entertainment of course. I'm the jester and the clown. I am the thinker and the philosopher. I am the lonesome destined for tragedy. Sweet, sweet tragedy.

I've forgotten what excitement feels like. Like a child learning how to walk, I must teach my self to live. I think too much, and share too little. For too long have I been suffering in this mirage of endless lies."

- Alexander Valdeau, Stockholm 2021/06/29

[alexandervaldeau]

I tried running away but the gravity of her attraction kept me in orbit. Despite her affection for things which I inherently found miserable, my release into the void was all but a hope. Sometimes I came closer in the midst of insanity, only to linger in her residual spirit. I often thought what to make of it, what purpose does this serve. But I  confess, it was the only thing which kept me afloat. I couldn't help but to recount that one evening we left the fiesta of fools, hand-in-hand, giddy and content. At that one moment we both knew we didn't need anyone else in the world. We walked a long the forest path in silence as the day came to an end, and you turned to me proclaiming solemnly with a tender smile: "As much as I enjoy talking to you, I also enjoy the quiet of the world with you." It was the singular greatest moment in time I owned. Because moments in time is the only thing we can truly own, it was unequivocally my most treasured possession.

From a romanticized nightmare, Stockholm, 2021/02/15

[alexandervaldeau]

As she left I thought no longer how lovely her short black hair rocked back and forth to her steps. I lost my link. Another revolution had sprung from me. I stopped caring. What saddened me was how I stopped caring for all. I had indeed stop caring that other people cared for me. My mind finally accepted the path of the solitaire. With this  realization I showed not sadness, but contentness. I had, to some extent, finally begun my liberation from futile social inadequacies. I must confess, the thought of oblivion frightened me but this time it was not oblivion which beckoned, but an uncluttered mind filled with reinvigorated aspirations.

Alexander Valdeau, Stockholm 31/10/2020

[alexandervaldeau]

The Fool and the Jester

“You asked for my opinion and I am no stranger to honesty. You’re a fool. You complain and remain sceptical to love yet this is what surrounds you. What you fail to realize is what lies plain as day infront of you. It has been yours for the takening. Yet you dismissed it like a foul apple. I cannot help but to distrust your intentions. No, you’re not broken. For you have not lived through the agony which encompasses love. I am your biggest mistake you have yet to realize. I sympathise with the day this becomes your reality. Today I stand ambivalent, and as my passion and fervor slowly evaporates into nothing I fear your window of opportunity is closing. 

And so I am the jester still. For through my gullibility I remain present in the void which I should have left long ago. I remain the romantic, the dreamer, the hopelessly agonised poet. I fear my time is far overdue and it is time I move a long, time pays no heed to the foolhardy. It is time I beseech the one which has been suffused with clarity and may daringly reach for the love they deserve.”

- Alexander Valdeau, 5/4/20 Stockholm

[alexandervaldeau]

One day you'll wake up and realize how rare it is to find someone who makes you laugh til' sunrise, til' your stomach pleads for mercy, til' your cheeks become sore. One day you'll wake up and realize you've made your life's biggest mistake.

- Alexander Valdeau

[alexandervaldeau]

In order to become a mountain, one has to first be reduced to rubble. Our life, like the mountain, is all but the sum of continual reconstruction from its perpetual demise. Build the greatest possible mountain and appreciate its flaws, for in these flaws lies the very essence of the living. All the hardships, with all the raw emotional beauty, and all the will, the undeniable will of the living. Appreciate your life's ode, for even though life at times seem eternal, the beauty of life lies in its ephemeral existence.

Alexander Valdeau

[alexandervaldeau]

One day I found myself in the rain. On this day, heavy with unforgiving gloom, I had spent hours late at night on a bench thinking: Is this all there is to life? My unmistakable dissonance, my incessant need to rationalize the irrational, my journey from and to apathy, proved the futility of it all. Perhaps it is so we are left to fate and fate alone. It kept pouring, embalming me in the depressive shroud betrothed to my shadow. I had no memories which to hold on to. What was left in this hollow vessel? As I gazed into nothing, I noticed the absence of the cold flickering rain. There were dark clouds dwelling yet, and I thought: Alas, it feels as if I have been at all the peaks this world has to offer and from this point onward I am inevitably descending into despair. Thusly, I shall with gratitude make my departure into the unknown with the hopes of surmounting yet another mountain. One day, I found myself out in the rain, with tears in my eyes...

Alexander Valdeau, Autumn, Stockholm 12.11.2019

[alexandervaldeau]

The fault in our stars

Two wonderful quotes from the book by John Green

“...the problem is not suffering itself or oblivion itself but the depraved meaninglessness of these things, the absolutely inhuman nihilism of suffering.”

“As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.“

Both are from the protagonist Hazel Grace

[alexandervaldeau]

I am indeed a fool. When given something, I in return give ten times back. This is my flaw and virtue. Like a naive dog, I remain content only with a fraction of what I sacrifice. It is also my virtue, for when my affection is echoed I know I have found a true friend. And a true friend proves unyielding by the adversities of time.

Alexander Valdeau, 26.06.2019

[alexandervaldeau]

As my mind's betrayal ursurpted my heart's need for warmth, I stood aghast at my futile attempts at igniting the once powerful ember. I had failed, and I will forevermore remain a reclusive hermit paying heed to emotions fervent. Alas, you were and you weren't. I will embrace my demise.

[alexandervaldeau]

Marveling

He enviously marveled at the couple suffused with each other. How they interacted, how they held hands, how they kissed, and how they shared their joy. He thought to himself how remarkable human life is. At that moment, unbeknownst to them, neither of them had been more magnificent. Just by being in their vicinity he could imbibe the radiant afterglow which trailed in their wake. Even if only a droplet, it would fill him with endless wonder. Oh, how he yearned to breath amicable life into his being, and perhaps, into another.

[alexandervaldeau]

Freedom liberated

A wise man once said - “Be it thee, in the present, thou shalt claimeth the very fervor of the world spirit”. It would seem the modern man has become frightened of the preposterous maniacal thoughts conceived by our very own mind. We let distractions numb us with indifference as to combat the overwhelming convergence of intruding notions. Precariously we attempt to blunt our minds, but at the cost of our amity. It saddens me how we have come to this. No man is truly present anymore. As the artificial flickering and buzzing shackles us to otherworldly realms, we let our present physical manifestation an empty carcass, only to be displayed in the dismal light of the forlorn. It would seem we sacrifice everything for the pernicious distractions we willfully bestow upon ourselves, and with it, our freedom in the present. I beseech an era of substance, where distractions and notions vain are but a memory faint, and where the true spirit of our souls may finally materialize into the wonderful thing we call meaning. Alas, perhaps I am the destined solitaire, cursed forlorn in the present where nothing and everything resides.

- Alexander Valdeau, 1st of April, 2019

[alexandervaldeau]

My terrors

“How have you been?”

“Good, thank you for asking. I’d imagine this day would never come. You know, I’ve been dreaming of this, the day you’d decide not to ignore my existence. From my point of view, I’d be happy to seize contact on the basis of this. I just needed you to acknowledge I mattered, just a tiny bit, no matter how small.”

“It has been hard, you know. Things didn’t turn out as expected“

“That’s okay. It’s just that I’ve been looking for closure. I just don’t understand why you’ve been perpetually ignoring me. It would seem the aftermath of our separation has been the most traumatic experience of my life, not owing to the breakup but your behavior afterward. I just don’t see why you completely deny my attempts at reconciliation. Does it give you such pleasure that you willfully subject my mind to endless torment?“

“I don’t know why. Perhaps it is out of cowardice I choose this. It’s easier to ignore the problem at hand rather than confronting it. I know you loved me, but it made it so much harder to reestablish something genuine. I did a mistake, and I regret trapping you in this endless maze.“

“We are indeed humans after all. It would seem I do not belong to the joyous lot. On every occasion given I keep circling back to what it means to be truly present. And it most certainly is not in the context of what we’re doing now. Everyone pretends they are happy with how things are panning out, alcohol being the catalyst. What they don’t realize is how shallow things are. It holds no intrinsic value. And into deeper despair, I fall. What options are there? There is nothing out there, just stupid people trying to make things less stupid by making themselves more stupid. It’s a god damn tragedy. I refuse to be part of it - even if it means me entering the realm of the solitaire. I shall forever wallow in the tears of my own despair, knowing, I once held the chrysalis of my own joy in my hand, and in the other, my undeniable will to find purpose. It might be too late.”