Update on things as of Dec 2018
So I really don’t go on here that much anymore. I feel like I just have been really busy and can’t be everywhere so this was kinda cut out of my life. Anyway, if I have any followers that will actually read this, this is gonna be a really personal post. I feel like I need to get things off my chest and explain what’s going on before I go too crazy and I’m not sure posting something like this on Facebook or Twitter would be ideal right now.
The past several months in particular have been very challenging. Back in the beginning of June, I was diagnosed with a seizure disorder and was prescribed medication for it. The 1st medication I took really did not help me at all and just made me feel worse in other areas. I took it for about a month. I was so tired all the time, could not concentrate, was losing my memory, & still having what I call “blackouts” but my neurologist calls them seizures. Also, the medication made me really angry and I started swearing more. One time I even had severe homicidal thoughts, which I did not really disclose to anyone for fear of being locked up in a psych ward or whatever. I talked with the neurologist and explained most of what was going on and she prescribed something else. The other medication I was on seemed to help probably the best but it made me feel like I was on a constant “high”.
So from the new condition I was trying to treat, the medications were really affecting me, particularly in my job. I wasn’t working my hours, my performance was down, quality in the calls was poor. I realized something needed to be done or else I would probably end up losing my job. I talked with the hr director and with the note from my neurologist I was approved for a 30 day leave of absence from my job starting in the beginning of August. My neurologist at that time wrote a prescription for another medication that at least makes me the least tired & most aware but I noticed I’m still having the “blackouts” & I started having increased hallucinations.Â
During the month of August I was not working & kinda relaxing. I still was getting out & about. By this time after severe thought & consideration, I ended up getting a case manager to help out with various aspects of my life as I’m trying to navigate through it all. I also saw a rheumatologist for the 1st time due to some concerning bloodwork that the neurologist found. I ended up getting some more bloodwork done & by the end of September, they diagnosed me with possibly an early stage of lupus. With that I was prescribed 2 more medications.Â
Back to my case manager meetings. The 2nd time I met him, in the end of August, I told him a bit about the hallucinations I was having. He was worried and ended up telling a nurse about what was going on which I really didn’t want to happen. I was really worried I was gonna be sent to the psych ward of the hospital. I think my fear of being sent there was due to the fact in my freshman year of college I was in there and it basically felt like a prison. Anyway, they assured me that I wasn’t gonna be sent there but I did get prescribed a medication for the hallucinations.Â
Now due to all of this, I explained to my hr director what was doing on and she approved me for an extension accommodation to my leave. I actually haven’t returned to work yet hopefully next month I can come back maybe on a limited part time basis.Â
During this time off, my mom & my family definitely don’t know that I’m on this leave or even the health issues I’ve been dealing with. I’ve been leaving the house like I was going to work in the morning and coming back in the afternoon. The places I hang out are in my downtown hometown, particularly the library, the mission, local shops/restaurants, & the towne mall which is pretty empty. I ended up making some new friends but I’m not sure if they are the best people to hang around with at times, especially my new best friend. I helped her out when I was able to but sometimes I don’t think she appreciated it. Recently she messaged me on fb stating that we can no longer be friends and then blocked me for several hours. She said it was from her mood swings but I don’t know if there was something more. Then she had the nerve to ask me the next day for $20 to have her phone turned on. Like really? You’re gonna ask me for money I don’t even really have & claim that you would pay me back which you still haven’t done so for the other things I helped pay for. I just told her I don’t have the money.Â
This is part of the reason why I have trust issues and don’t seem to have any close friends. I have tried to be friends with people in the past but it seems like they change on you especially if they hear bad things or if they find out you have mental health issues. I trusted her and then she acted like that to me causing extra anxiety & depression. I’m supposed to meet up with her maybe tomorrow but I’m not really looking forward to it. I guess we’ll see how that goes.Â
Well it’s December and I haven’t worked since August so I’m not making any income. I applied for cash assistance back in September but I still haven’t heard anything back yet. In the meantime I was contacted by a company that I believe I have submitted something online awhile back. I ended up listening to them and they told me about debt validation program. I agreed to the stuff over the phone and they charged their fees on some of the available credit on my credit cards. I was instructed not to keep paying on the credit cards & personal loan which I was afraid to do but with no income coming, I was paying credit cards with other credit cards at this point. I can’t afford bankruptcy, I can’t afford debt settlement or debt management. I ended up going with them. I hope they do what they say they were gonna do. The company seems suspicious & my case manager isn’t really too thrilled with them. I just hope this really works out otherwise I may need to get an attorney to help me out of this big situation and may end up having to go with bankruptcy.Â
This post ended up being longer than I thought. It’s after 1am so I don’t even know if this makes sense but I feel somewhat relieved. I’ve just been dealing with a lot this year not to mention about deaths of some friends & a couple of my pets that I had for years. It really is a struggle to keep on going but I’m trying. I wonder why we are alive now when they claim we all have to die and spend eternity in heaven or hell. I feel like my life is hell but I guess things could be much worse. Part of me I think is that I just don’t understand why I’m here like what my purpose is. I mean I graduated from college with a psych degree & I’m a big mess. I’m on so many medications everyday. I’ve been diagnosed with various conditions and some of these have prevented me from working yet they are trying to say I’m not disabled enough to qualify for ssi or anything like that. I don’t know I want to help people & I need help I guess. I have so many appointments & I see so many people & I’m kinda stagnant. I hope I can return to work eventually. I hope I can make better relationships with people. I hope I can get my conditions under control more. If you made it this far, please pray for me. Also if you have any advice or suggestions on anything please let me know.
