Alex Spieth @alexspieth - Tumblr Blog

working

til i lose my own goddamn sense of self and there’s still a hole in my pocket which means im the dumber member of every drinking party. There’s great danger the next round might always be on me.

worked at w. today and thought the manager was so cute, I want to marry him, i thought, i want to be with him. he reminded me of the other manager, the survivor guy, tj, and that guy who liked frisbee and me in the 11th grade. These random cool dudes who thought I was dope. it was like a dream or whatever. he talked about his wife and baby. Excellent, I thought he’s not afraid of commitment. There are hurdles and we push pass, we accelerate, we never stop, we never say die, do we? No, we never say die.

A patron brought in a bunny. The patron’s purse was part enclosure so the bunny could hop around, shite, and rest on the bamboo** while the chump couple ate their eggs which consisted of the same order doubles. Great minds think alike indeed, cried the scholars. A poodle at a surrounding table began to develop eyes for the bunny. Alas, cried the bunny, nothing gold can stay. Hope hop. And thusly the bun returned to his mink bag where he could see no one and no one could see him.

We closed the shift and no one noticed much change of anything. The staff turned over and we all went home.

***There Bun-Bun would dream of the good old days when he was actually a free rabbit away form the noise and stress of the concrete jungle and could go to a home that wasn’t a purse.

thinking about the time a woman held the downtown 1 door for me at Houston street. She said her worst nightmare had happened snd her son was killed on the forth of July. She still had a long way to ride and we both said god bless you as i left the car.

Went to a surreal survivor and cried like I didn’t get cast in the eleventh grade play again when I lost. Too little food too little sleep too many cigs too much booze too much weed too many people makes Jill a dull weepy girl. Loved it. I’ll be back to kill next year.

I’ve become the most annoying server that tells people what they are doing wrong. Charge three more dollars, remember to autocrat. God send me to the fucking house.

This dream where you understand who I am and sit next to me on the train. It’s the one downtown until it isn’t.

On the metro north but no one checked my ticket yet. Let’s ride til the road ends then, lets not get off til the conductor stops for the night.

June has been a fever dream. The heat wave climbs over all of us and I guess a second strain of the virus is coming. The people fall in the street coughing for heat and death or both. The masks are less but we all remember when they were everywhere.

I called a friend but he’s yet to pick up. We’re thirty and it’s harder to find the time. We gotta make money, we have to not be afraid. For the first time in my life, I realized I don’t want to be married to any of the motherfuckers I’ve already met or dated. Im not gonna marry you, first one. Def not to the second. The washes of boys that are just a list in my google notes than remind me who you are or what your hair was. It’s all past us now. Tarrytown up next.

Since the last time I wrote I directed a feature. Took the time and did it. Can’t fucking believe it snd I guess that’s important but again muddle some lemons and see if they notice how self made you are. See if the jalapeños make you cry.

A busser always says today for you tomorrow for me like angel from rent. He hands me a cigarette and we walk to the train. I realized my old friends aren’t friends cause they don’t work with me anymore.

I am proud: in case that wasn’t clear I’m proud of the movie and proud of the team and proud of how I did. It’s rare you feel like you didn’t fuck it up and this time I think I did it right.

Love you, love you, send me a raft. I’m better than I’ve ever been just pull me in and see how great I got.

weekend in the country

I kissed a boy and he was good at kissing as well as related to someone I know. I said, you are cute, and he said same to you. It felt romantic, and it always feels romantic when someone actually knows how to kiss you,

Took some drugs but they underwhelmed. 0 stars on the drug front. People got in a fight about QAnon, and it almost got fist to cuffs, so luckily no matter where you turn America is right ass there.

Everyone is coming back to work, so maybe it’s curtains for the pandemic. To make a martini, it’s 3 oz of vodka and .5 of vermouth. If they want it dirty add .5 olive juice. Don’t shake it James Bond only does that for poison. I see now. He wanted to live. Copy. Copy.

The relatives arms around me felt amazing. Like someone who knew what was actually up. Now to wait, Muddle 1 lemon, 2 cucumbers, and build another drink that hopefully makes you feel something after all.

It all feels like nothing.

Once a friend (who has left New York since) said as we slid our cards through the metro reader, it’s crazy how it’s like it never happened. He was referring to a catering shift we had just worked where no one knew anything, cocktails were late, coffees were never seen, and was in short a shit show. As we sat on the train in our all black ensembles, I agreed. Couldn’t recall one thing about that event like it had never ever been attended by anyone others than me and the other Caitrer waitrer.

I fucked up my computer and I comfort myself by saying....well it has been a YEAR, overlord jobs will find something to break (aka I knocked it off my bed while drunk). In the cab to the apple store to pay homage to our king, I thought about going to the library to watch sound edits and visiting all those theatres in Pittsburgh. This theatre feels unsafe, this one is too expensive,and this one is just right. Never forget that cmu wasn’t going to help me use their Theatre. I went upstate on Thursday with someone who maybe now is my best friend. 5.5 hours later I climbed into bed like I never left. It’s sooo much work and it’s like it never happened.

Certainly it does, I just can’t remember any of it now.

today

was i think the best day ever. Someone gave me a pair of shoes and someone else gave me a bottle of wine and someone gave 2 and someone else gave me 10. what a wild day.

all of a sudden. I felt blessed. In a pandemic, can you believe it? I am so wildly blessed and everything was so amazing. I was nervous, of course, but when are you not that? When are you ever really together? Maybe I just don’t look around enough.

Thanks, god. Thanks, honestly. Can’t be all me.

went on a date

the other night with a legally blind man. i helped him find the seat and helped him hail a cab. it would have felt like a good deed if i wasn’t so anxious to go.

the drinks keep coming and the drinks keep coming. and you hit the ground running. didn’t make sense to live for fun. brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

it’s too cold to date outside right now. the wind chill is everything. they say you gotta wear two masks now, and that’s probably true. cattle falling ill alll over the countryside. laying around with two masks on waiting for the end to come.

i’m a bad person, but i just wanna feel young. i have cellulite and i’ve gained weight but, god oh god (i cry from the inside of my apartment, heard by no one and swallowed by nothing) all I want is someone who is hott to love and kiss me. all i want is to feel like the date across from me is sexy and wants me and is also a normal person. watch how my mind is slipping out my ears from so much survivor. (please pay no mind to the blob on the couch, it’s my body now) I’m just beggin, salivating from the same big old thing everyone else is. looking out the window and howling at the moon.

in madison square park, i ran to the shake shack to buy a beer. When it’s this cold you need it, when it’s this bleak you need it. 24 oz please, and please another one for my friend. i guarantee you i’ll be back, sir. i will definitely need another beer.

the day before 30

and it feels nice. survivor comforts, and i guess i’ve become this old now. i have one goal for this year, and you know what it is, god, like, you totally know.

Signed up for a yoga class and will go to the beach tomorrow. Must wait for the covid results and try to stay safe.

Made a self tape for a refrigerator company and the heart goes boom boom boom. I couldn’t care less about booking it. I only care about the goal, so whatever is Fridgidaire thinks my ass is big or my hips are shapely or my skins not good. Who gives a goddamn about any of that?

I see the masks. I can’t recognize people. i find it hard to tell who is who. trumps making calls, and he doesn’t have to pay collect for whatever he saying, maybe we shouldn’t have gotten rid of the fees.

namaste, amen, whatever.

again

we begin the process of making a movie. how banal and unexciting the stress is. to create is human to relax divine.

took another plane today with a mask on. in the past 9 months, the airplanes have gotten more stringent on the windowshade up windowshae down policy. Please open upon landing.

my sister told me about a woman who was sucked right out of a plane. scary, i thought.

When I went to Nashville, I didn’t drive by my old house or my old school or my old neighborhood or my older school. I walked to yoga classes and tried to not think about the fact that the bozos on tinder knew me when I wore head scarfs.

Advises my ex to take lexapro. he doesn’t refer to me as his ex. he says when we were hanging out. oh the tragedy of life! But the greatest gift to know that someone is a total fucking idiot.

Season 13 of survivor rocks.

i don’t have wishes for the new year. I know what I want to achieve. the woman sucked out of the plane. Upon landing, I kept my windowshade down. Just in case.

went to a farm

on reba macintyre’s property. Didn’t see reba, but lots of renovated horse stalls turned into airBNBs. We had a fun time while music played and wookies danced. ah the wooks. the wooks.

before i left, i was offered some potatoes which were well salted but cold. the couple wasn’t on the same pae about the speed limit and the visualizer was cool. I see how people like stuff like this, and I had some fun. I left by 8pm, and was home by 9:30.

It’s gonna be a happy new year. A happy new year.

tonight

we cut snowflakes out of old menus. the restaurant was nearly empty, and I wondered, why on earth do people stay with a job? My snowflakes were okay, the bartenders were better, and the phones girls were a work of art. Three people (including myself) suggested she sell them on etsy. The snowflake market is booming.

The busser I love touches me a lot but I don’t care because I love him. I don’t care one bit.

It’s almost been a year since the world went to sleep. Remembering January is another time. I turn 30 in a month, and can you believe I made it to be this old? No one does.

No one thought they would ever turn 30.

all your heroes are rapists

I remember watching Louis c.k. eating at my restaurant and this was after everything broke and I felt so bad for him. People were a comfortable distance away from him at the bar, and I wanted to go up and say hello.

“Of course, what you did was wrong, I understand that. I can’t love you the way I did, when I thought your passing by my web series release party meant that I was destined for greatness. I can’t say I support you now, but I said I was like you for such a long time. You really were my hero. I love you, dad, I mean. Louie. I miss you, you know. We all do. Just cause I can’t like you the same way I did doesn’t mean you don’t still matter to me. That would be a lie. A big old whopper”

I didn’t say any of this and this was before everything broke. It was before everyone was distanced and nothing matters. Everyone’s been drinking a lot, says my manager, and I’m sure that’s true. Skittles aren’t raining any more and maybe it’s time to go back to bed

white girl on girl crime

Sundance darling my ass. I know I can make something better than this.

If I could think of all the movies I thought were graded on a curve because of female directors or stars I would put this one at the top of the list. Dreadful. Lame. It’s not even exciting. Anthony Ramos is hot though, credit where credit is due. That guy fucking rocks.

The narcissism in quarantine rages on. A table asked me, what did you do for 3 months, and I said, honestly, I don’t even know. I haven’t the foggiest idea.

if I could tell you

I love you 20 times a day it wouldn’t be enough, I thought, as I hugged my favorite busser at work. I told him I loved him twice during the shift tonight, but it’s never enough, it’s never enough. I’d tell you 40 times a day and it wouldn’t be enough. 60 wouldn’t be close.

The virus rages on. People aren’t wearing masks and I went back to work for the company. You hear me, for the company. I went back to smile and pretend to be happy. I didn’t go back for the money, that’s clear. I didn’t go back to make a difference.

I went back to get to be around people honestly. I went back for the dishwasher who is a really big guy but seems like a ghost. He floats along like a video game character. I ask him for plates in bad Spanish but he knows what I’m saying.

Someone passed out near the restaurant tonight, because we can still get turnt. Lord knows alcohol is essential in New York. That’s for sure. I saw the person and then the fire department came. 4 guys, 4 white guys, got out of the fire truck and assessed the issue. When I walked back outside 10 minutes later, the truck and man had disappeared into the night. My favorite busser gave me a sprite for the road.

If I could tell you I loved you 20 times a day, it wouldn’t come close to being enough .

when there is no work

And I am silent. When there is no work and my heart beats faster. When there is no work and I don’t know what to do.

There is nothing to solve in quarantine. There is nothing to book, and life is the same. I am just on unemployment.

the posts

have clearly been rough these last few days. WOW! Girl! Gotta keep that sense of humor strong! There’s a virus going around!

Okay: I need to start looking for a job. There’s a way to do this.

Or....another west wing?

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Alex Spieth