Fatigue de Bataille

adrian; 26; they/them/their i blog about trauma and about my life; i reblog things that i find important, or that make me laugh.

[alienaficionados]

Truly and honestly despondent to the point of tears & lack of comment, thinking abt how much Marlena hated me at the end of our relationship. What would have happened if we had broken up at one of the few natural conclusions to our relationship. She fucking hated me: I don’t think she would’ve been able to articulate her feelings as hate, but they absolutely were, and five years later I am still spiraling with guilt and grief.

I think more than anything, she was a lesbian, a women-loving-woman, in a relationship with a non-woman...more than anything else that was our fatal flaw.

I am consumed w grief abt this regularly. I miss her so much, even if I recognize how senselessly cruel she was to me bc she hated me. I wish one of the adults in my life could have pulled me from her. It’s crazy that none of the adults in either of our lives put their foot down.

I hope, desperately, if I live long enough to see my own kid enter a similarly unhealthy relationship, that I have the courage to be the bad guy: that I have the courage to say “break up and come home, or else.” I would have listened I think if my dad had forced me into inpatient or had forced me to have a summer away...I think I would’ve figured it out. As it was, he kicked me out, which made me *dependent* on her.

We were so young and she hated me so much. I don’t know why she stayed. I know why I did, but I don’t know why she did. Snd it’ll haunt me for forever

[alienaficionados]

Feeling an immense amount of grief this morning abt Marlena. I think what kills me the most is recognizing how much she disliked me by like...2014. I think doing FWT together was a really bad idea, and we trauma bonded in a really unhealthy way that winter, especially after I crashed the car. That term was rough, and she was so cruel to me, and we drank too much. If my dad had taken me home, or threatened to stop paying for my college if I went to live with Marlena, or anything like that, I think both our lives would’ve been so much different. I absolutely should not have gone to live with her that summer, and I think it’s so fucking nuts that no adult in either of our lives said anything. By the time school started back up for me, she HATED me. I think she did love me, too, but her hatred was palpable and vicious, and she was so cruel. I look back on it all and I really don’t blame her—it must be very scary to be in a relationship with someone who drank as much as I was at the time, and on top of that I was no longer attracted to her but was too repressed and confused to figure that out although it must have felt obvious to her. I would’ve abused me, too, in her position! I just...sometimes I get very very lost wondering what would be, had she kicked me out in 2015, instead of spending the next 13 months r*ping, h*tting, and screaming at me. You know? Like, she paid the bills, I called the cops on her TWICE, I don’t understand why she didn’t end it. I don’t understand why my dad didn’t stop me...I don’t understand why md+w didn’t stop her. And now, she has been dead for five years, and I miss her every day, and I feel so much despair wondering what could have been if only one of us could have escaped. I hope to never let myself be in a relationship of any caliber ever again where we dislike each other as much as Marlena and I did for most of our relationship.

[alienaficionados]

I am so frustrated by how much Ian haunts me. It’s nothing to do w his inherent like goodness as a friend and had everything to do w our codependency. But I find myself pining for the type of relationship we had and I’m just never ever ever going to have that kind of friendship again and honestly I HOPE I never do! It was toxic and bad how much we complained to each other abt our lives. There was an unspoken sexual component to our friendship that was interpreted as chaste when it was legit anything but that. We would pull each other down if one of us was doing better than the other. I have a lot of anger around the fact if I had realized I wanted to fuck men sooner I probably could have worked my way thru our friendship more quickly and could have avoided a lot of heartache (or who knows? Maybe we would’ve dated, and could’ve had it end organically when our relationship ended). As it is our friendship ended tumultuously because I realized I like men and that meant I had feelings for him and he couldn’t handle it. And like...I don’t want it to seem like I think we were “end game” bc we obviously weren’t lol, although I wish we could’ve been in a better position to admit our feelings. As it is I feel left w a lot of grief and a lot of confused gender feelings and more than anything I miss my friend. I miss the person I would text minor inconveniences to. I miss the person who acted as my logic soundboard. I miss the person who helped me get into grad school the first time. And like a lot of the stuff we did together was terrible, he pushed me to drink, he assaulted me on camera, xyz. I’ll probably never have a close friend like him again though and that does really suck to realize. It’s lonely to realize, especially after 10 years w him. I don’t want to talk to him, but I wish I had a him-adjacent friend; I probably never will again. And that’s very lonely and very sad.

[alienaficionados]

i haven’t posted here in a while but there is a chance v and i will still be going to berlin (it’ll probably be 2023 instead tbh), BUT this is absolutely terrifying bc if things go according to plan..........

......we will be moving to berlin w a 0-6mo old baby

[alienaficionados]

Feeling bitterly justified in being like 👀 at an old friend who viscerally despised c*ntra and ph*losophyt*be for vague accusations of antisemitim (this person????? Isn’t Jewish????????) meanwhile pt came out as trans and it is IMPOSSIBLE for me not to be like 👀👀👀 you just don’t like trans women who disagree w u huh lol

[alienaficionados]

v and i are obviously not fictional characters from an animated sitcom, but our fights this year in the pandemic have been dizzyingly similar to mr peanutbutter and diane’s fights early in bojack and i have openly cried over it in this rewatch. i am confident we will figure and work it out, but i see parallels between us in these scenes and it makes me so sad. we are doing much better than we were three+ weeks ago and i hope it continues; i think it will bc she is starting meds and i am working to be more honest. but wow.

[alienaficionados]

v n i are like officially starting the fertility process soon which is just terrifying. the goal right now is to find out if her equipment works and we will move forward from there once we have data. it has been really sweet and nice to talk to her abt how goddamn loved our kid will be

[alienaficionados]

sometimes talking to fellow trans men about basic physiology (e.g., “testosterone won’t make you ejaculate”) feels like talking to cis ppl about gender at all, in that it literally feels like talking to a fucking baby and i’d rather talk to a horny man thinking w his dick than to a 20 year old trans boy daydreaming about his dick when it comes to these concerns tbh. like i am just so exhausted and am probably going to immediately leave these groups again bc it just iiiiiiisn’t worth it to me

[alienaficionados]

really truly exhausting and upsetting to have young trans men argue w me that their symptoms are ~*actually*~ bc testosterone has magically changed the consistency, smell, and color of their cum instead of what i am suggesting (that it is because they aren’t cleaning their toys frequently enough in between jerk off sessions to the point that they’ve given themselves bacterial infections)

i joined a lot of my ftm groups to prepare for top surgery and a future hysto and i like Regret It

[alienaficionados]

An absolutely nuts part of my financial situation changing bc new job is that at under 50k a year I am still sometimes moved to tears at what a dramatic difference in quality of life the 10k bump gave me. I finally said goodbye to my “middle layer” jacket in 2017/2018 that I had gotten in 2010 to prepare for college and since then I’ve been layering hoodies under my shell jacket. Commuting last winter sucked a lot bc I was cold and didn’t have good shoes. So I bought myself timbs earlier this summer and bought myself a jacket I had been eyeing for a few months recently. It’s the retro Denali north face jacket and it’s so comfy and cozy.

I am so grateful I could afford to buy myself a new coat, though—this wasn’t a given at my old job. In fact at my old job I like really wouldn’t have been able to afford it.

[alienaficionados]

i do not often regret how late i started T especially considering how early i knew i was trans, but the number one thing that makes me regret how late i started is that i really didn’t get to experience like……..the adult-end of puberty. like holy shit, if i could’ve been 2.5 years on T in 2018, when i started T, i could have been out living my goddamn best transmasc hoe life at the time i was just really starting to accept i’m bi. all the dicks i coulda sucked….

[alienaficionados]

imagine if i went to bton college while like a *year* into my formal medical transition. i would have been an absolute horny nightmare. i mean i already WAS an absolute horny nightmare and it would have been one bajillion times worse then!

[alienaficionados]

i do not often regret how late i started T especially considering how early i knew i was trans, but the number one thing that makes me regret how late i started is that i really didn’t get to experience like........the adult-end of puberty. like holy shit, if i could’ve been 2.5 years on T in 2018, when i started T, i could have been out living my goddamn best transmasc hoe life at the time i was just really starting to accept i’m bi. all the dicks i coulda sucked....

[alienaficionados]

This tweet just kind of broke my heart bc this was like the big problem w me and Marlena. Like, I curse a lot, but I curse a lot normally; she would insult me and insult my dad and was shockingly cruel. I knew it was acting out the cruelty her mom showed her but it still really sucked to like live through. Idk, I was shorty too, I really was and I am not trying to say I am perfect, but like, idk, I’m glad to be in a relationship where we usually are kind to each other when we fight and if we aren’t kind we apologize profusely after

[alienaficionados]

God I saw this tag and it made me even sadder, bc part of what’s up is problems w me and v. I think and hope we will get over them but this week in particular has been really tough. I suck in this situation too. She is depressed, which can make her mean. And I’m shitty back. It’s the pandemic, almost certainly, and it’s not constant, but it’s sucked this week. I’m very sad

[alienaficionados]

I’m stoned snd having a rough day and was thinking abt it & stuff that was brought up in class, which ultimately led me to thinking abt the jobs my mom worked when she could. The jobs I remember her having besides waitressing were when she worked at a day center for disabled adults, and when she worked as the secretary at a transitional corrections facility type place (halfway house is what she called it). And I was just kind of crushed w the realization my mom would probably be so fucking proud of me. Like she would probably think the things I’ve done snd studied are meaningful and important. I’m emotional about it. I am more similar to her than I care to admit and I am still so wounded by her death. I am very sad now

[alienaficionados]

so, like. there’s nothing wrong with my ovaries, besides the cysts that have been there for 10+ years; there’s nothing wrong w my uterus; and there’s now officially nothing wrong w my cervix. bc i am not in pain anymore, i’m not going to push it w the doctor, but considering that they haven’t found a medical reason like an infection, or cancer, or something else, then my post-IUD pain was probably a result/consequence of the IUD itself.

if i had more money, i honestly think i might sue the doctor who told me to get the IUD. i want to.

for almost a whole year, 2017 - 2018, i asked to go back on depo provera at least twice and the nurse practitioner i saw insisted i look into an IUD. she never said “no i won’t prescribe it to you” but i made it abundantly clear i wasn’t interested in getting the IUD. she would say we could discuss it “at my next meeting” which i interpreted as meaning “i won’t prescribe you anything until you say you want the IUD.” this happened at least twice.

because she was so dismissive, i finally made an appointment with a planned parenthood office to get the IUD, she was so insistent i would like it that i was like “okay i’ll take your advice” but she was so pushy and insensitive i knew i didn’t want her to give it to me.

at PP they tried to talk me out of getting the IUD bc i was honest abt my doctor’s pushiness and i was the one who finalized the decision, i pushed forward with it, it was ultimately my decision but i very, very strongly felt like i had no other option.

it took me six months from getting my IUD, to finally having my first appt with my current PCP, i scheduled my intake less than a month after i got the IUD in.

pushing IUDs is malpractice

[alienaficionados]

If things go according to plan, which is a huge if, v and I will be trying for a fucking baby this time next year