An Alien and Her Thoughts

digital version of whats inside my head

[aliensnthoughts]

Happiness.

Woah. I didn’t think i’d be writing about this so soon. Let alone having a post about it. Things just seem so different. I seem different. I look back at how I was in the beginning of the year. I feel so sorry for myself back then. I knew I was in a rut. I was in this deep hole i was stuck in. Now it seems like I’ve gotten a breath of fresh air. And I think he has a big part of it. I know we’ve only been together for a bit over 3 weeks but holy fuck. I am so happy. And it just feels so natural. Things just feel so perfect when we’re together. Timing is so weird. I wasn’t seeking for this but its like it fell on my lap. And everything good around me is synching up with my life. I’m actually suspicious by how well everything is going. I just finished my first year at uni. I found out I’m studying abroad next spring. I’m actually looking forward to everything for the rest of the summer and following school year. I actually want to go out and do something productive. And I have someone beside me.

It just sucks that I moved back to the suburbs so i cant stay with him overnight. But of course we will always try to make it work between us. He just makes me so happy. I’m so incredibly fucking happy to have someone there with me who listens to me and understands me. I can count on someone. I can talk about my interests with him. 

Last night is when a lot of things changed my perspective on him and our relationship. EVEN FURTHER. We facetimed for about an hour and a half. I love talking to him. We facetimed until he was about to go to sleep. Looking back at it, it was just so great. It eases my mind that I have someone like him. It’s so weird how things have a way of working out in given moments. I truly somehow think we got lucky. 

[aliensnthoughts]

Beginning

This is strange. And it’s something new. It’s the early ages. But it’s just so strange. I’m not sure if this is an out of comfort feeling or because I’m scared. I don’t really know what to expect. Yet, I’m willing to go forward with it.

I met someone. And it’s strange.. It’s so fucking strange how well we go together. I’m trying to stay as realistic as possible. But, i wish i can really explain how I feel. I met him on tind*r which is crazy enough. Though I have a connection with him. A real connection. And I know this feeling is different because I’ve never had it before with anyone else. Everything is just so...natural. I feel like I’ve known him for so long. Yet we’ve only been talking to each other for almost a month. I feel so incredibly comfortable around him and it’s crazy to think about how comforting that is. We share so many interests and values and it’s just so fucking nice. Finally someone I can talk to about things that I like. And the craziest part? I never once have felt like a burden around him. I have my insecurities still but most of the time my mind is telling me to shut up and enjoy these moments. 

We’ve officially only been together for two weeks but theres still something I can’t wrap my head around. How the fuck do I feel like i’ve known him for more than that? Maybe its one of those things where I “met him in a past life”. Maybe I dont believe in that but this feeling is just so different to me. Then again, can this be a feeling because its my first serious relationship? 

The thing is, I don’t get butterflies around him. Sure i was nervous when i first met him but thats inevitable. But I’m already so happy when I’m with him and everything just feels normal with us being together. It’s weird because words cant quite explain this but it’s just like we fit so well together. And sometimes theres that doubt in my mind that wonders how a broken girl like me with a broken family got to be with someone whose life seems so..perfect. I’m trying to overcome this feeling though i know it will take time.

We talked about our feelings about one another. I was shocked. But I’m terrified. We both admitted how happy we are with one another and how we enjoy each others company. What’s fucking crazy though is that he says he’s already falling in love with me. Oh i cant even begin to explain my thoughts. When he told me that, my heart skipped a beat. But my fears begin to invade my mind. I told him I was new to this and I was scared and he agreed he was too. I told him I’m not there yet but i can see myself getting there. And even though we’ve spent a lot of time together and feel like we’ve known each other for so long, isn’t that too soon? LIKE really fucking soon to say that? But this thing we have...It’s just so strong that I understand him. This whole thing is strange and bizarre and terrifying. But It’s something I’m willing to risk. And it’s comforting to know someone will be there alongside of me. 

[aliensnthoughts]

...

I don’t know what to do. Or what to think. At times I feel so pathetic for being influenced by others so quickly. One of the many things that I hate in myself. Today really brought those thoughts back. 

I came home for the weekend. Things never change. He will NEVER change. And i will never change my feelings about him. Whether past history or times in the present, he won’t ever stop. His arguments with my mother over the most pointless things will never stop. I will never stop listening to it. My mother will never stand up for herself. Or when she tries he always finds a way to shut her down. And I never know what to do. I want to bud in but is it my place? I’ve had arguments with him in the past and it’s always been me who was “rude”. I’ve had this conversation with my mother so.many.times. But she continues to say that hes either joking or just disregards it because thats “just the way he is”. THATS COMPLETE BULLSHIT! I’m sick and tired of my mom being treated this way and I told her but shes okay with it. AND IM NOT. I have to move back home soon and i’m not looking forward to it one bit. I really don’t know how much longer I can live with their constant arguing. And I cant even tell anyone about it. If i tell my dad, he’ll say to live somewhere else which isn’t even an option. I’ve told my brother about this and he tells me I need to say something. He always tells me to stand up for mom. And it’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t want this cycle of arguing with him to continue. I’ve gone through this in the past and it’s left me miserable. I’ve had conversations about this to my mother. And the way i see it, I don’t bud in because my mom has accepted him for who he is. She knows how he is and all the work she has to do for him, yet she accepts that and is fine with that. But at the same times how can I let her live like that? I know she chose this life, she chose him. But in no way does that make it okay. 

I looked up signs of verbal abuse and he showed half of them. I’m so lost. I worry for my mother. I don’t understand why she doesn’t see this. Maybe it’s because shes so scared of living alone. Without a partner. But isn’t that better than being with a toxic man? I dont understand. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even talk to anyone about it. My brother will just go off about me not saying something. BUT WHY IS IT MY PLACE TO SAY ANYTHING AT ALL? IS IT MY JOB TO SAVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP? WHY AM I PLACED IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS? I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS. I NEVER ONCE EVER WANTED HIM IN MY LIFE. The past few years I’ve had to suck it up. I don’t know how much longer I can do that anymore.

[wonders-of-the-cosmos]

Night Sky

Image credit: Kubo Takaho

[aliensnthoughts]

Terrified

I may just found a connection with someone. And it absolutely terrifies me. I’ve never actually been in this position before because i never let it get this far. And it’s because it terrifies me. I don’t like having people so close to me. Maybe I don’t like to show vulnerability to just anyone. There are times where I want to enjoy the moment but there are other times where i cant help to think what it would be like in a couple of months. I’m so terrified of the future but it’s something I’m always thinking about. I’m so conflicted. I’m actually happy I get to share a passion of mine with somebody else? This is all very new to me and out of my comfort zone. I try to be free spirited but theres always a fear of mind wandering in my head. When will it stop? When can I truly be happy? Can I ever feel happy when alone? 

[aliensnthoughts]

Feeling.

When will this feeling stop? How is this even fair? Why was I made into having this fragile state of mind? If thats what it even is. Or why did depression have to target me? I don’t understand any of it and maybe I never will. I just wonder why I have had to experience being alone most of my life. Why does loneliness have such a powerful impact on me? Why are things the way they are? I feel like I’m trapped in this black hole and I have no idea how or when I’ll be able to get out. 

[aliensnthoughts]

Alone.

I came home this weekend. But maybe it wasn’t such a good idea. Although I have the company of my mom and her husband, I’m feeling more alone than ever. I feel this weird pain inside of me as I realize how truly alone I am. And without thinking about it, I think its one of my greatest fears. I’m fine wih being alone but I know how truly painful and terrifying it is. I feel like no one actually cares about me. And I know I should reach out to people but I feel like I have no motivation to. I spend most of my days just thinking about school, doing homework, and crying.

I was looking forward to coming home this weekend. I guess I was feeling a little homesick. My mom picked me up from the train station thursday night. Thursday was fine because we all talked. Friday was okay because my mom and her husband worked mostly all day and I stayed in my room doing homework. Today, Saturday, is when I really felt it. My mom and I went grocery shopping for maybe 2 hours while her husband was at work. Mom said we can watch a movie while dinner is cooking. Her husband came home and I was doing some homework. They were going to eat lunch and I wasnt hungry so I went to my room because I knew they wanted to watch their own show while eating. But I ended up staying here the whole day. Throughout the day my mom and her husband watched their show. My mom was like we can watch the movie in a bit. Then nothing...then she kept calling my name from the living room but...i dont know I didn’t want to come out. Why am I always the one who has to seek out to people? Does no one really care enough about me to put effort into doing something with me? And everytime I try to start talking or making plans with someone else I end up feeling like a burden. Most of my life I struggled with myself and the position I have with others. Ever since my mom brought her husband into our lives i ALWAYS thought she cared more about him. Ever since she brought him into our lives, she NEVER valued my thoughts or opinions. She heard them. But she didn’t do anything. It’s as if I was talking to a brick wall. She knew I was in pain but it’s like she wanted me to get over it. And thats why I stopped telling her how I feel. Because it didn’t fucking matter how I felt. Everything I thought or felt was invalid to her. Things were gonna go her way and i had to fucking suck it up. Lets just throw my emotions out of the way because its so easy to do. I came home this weekend thinking that i’ll be able to spend time with my mom more especially since I don’t see her often anymore after I moved out. I’ts completely the same as if I never even left. She spent the whole fucking day with her husband again. Watching their show. Something they can do any other day. Meanwhile I’m here, someone you rarely see now, and it’s like it doesn’t matter to her? This may not be something I’ll ever be able to grasp. And it’s not like I’m saying she has to pick me or her husband. But why can’t you put more attention to me? Just a little bit? It breaks my heart a bit. You see and talk to your husband every single day. You give him all your attention...but what about me?

One thing I’ve noticed lately. Everyone I know has someone. Whether it be siblings living with them, a partner, or friends they see and talk to everyday. I have absolutely no one. My mom has her husband. My dad and brother are both in texas with their girlfriends. ALL my friends have siblings with them or at least at least a significant other. I dont have anoyone. And I know i cant count on them but god do I feel so fucking annoying if I keep talking to them. 

I dont know what to do anymore. This feeling is no stranger to me. Not once have I ever told anyone about my recurring depression. And I know its here. It’s taking me over now. I know I would never kill myself because I’m to scared to. It’s ironic in a way, I’m not afraid to die but I’m terrified to kill myself. It’s not something I will ever do. I do value life, just wondering what the point of mine is. God, I’m feeling so fucking lonely. And theres absolutely no one I can talk to about this. I’ve talked to a therapist twice in my life but I hated. I hated the whole setting. And I wish i can just scream out to the whole world that I feel so dark inside. But I cant. I’m so desperate to talk to someone though. Someone who genuinely can and wants to listen to me. Because they care not because they have to. I know that won’t happen though. So time to suck it up, like i have been the past few years, and go on with my day. Brush my feelings away until I’m alone again where uncover who I really am. 

[indieteen]

[aliensnthoughts]

They’re Back.

It may have started in December. It was finals week. I was almost done with community college. But I was certain I wouldn’t pass one of my classes. If I didn’t pass I wouldn’t be able to graduate and transfer to the school I’ve always wanted to. I studied for HOURS and slept only a few. Looking back at it now, I’m hurting and terrified by how I was. I never knew I could posses those feelings that I had. While taking my final, I knew I was going to fail. I barely knew anything and at that moment I wanted to cry. I knew it was over. Everything that was leading up to the moment where I was going to transfer - all gone. Wiped out. I knew I would have to retake the class and stay at home for another year. At this point I was dying to escape. I felt so trapped. There was no way I wanted to feel like this for another year. Time was up. I turned in the final and right as I exited the building, I bursted into tears. I called my mom. She was in Mexico. I told her I just did my final and I knew I bombed it and I would have to retake the class and do everything again. She tried calming me down. I did eventually because I had to drive home. i got home. I went into complete hysterics. I cried for maybe an hour or two straight. I then didn’t finish another exam which I did poorly on leading to a C in the class. I went into complete panic mode. I started getting a panic attack. I had so much anxiety I started puking. I didn’t even have anything to eat that day. I cried myself to sleep. I was even thinking about calling off of work the next day. I felt like complete shit and that doesn’t really describe how I actually felt. It’s not something I have really felt before. I was a complete mess and different person. To this day, I didn’t even know i was able to be hysterical like that. I scared myself and still do. The following week was completely brutal. I had very bad depression. I didn’t invite anyone to come over. I didn’t want to see anyone. I just went to work and that was it. I felt so fucking alone. i couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone though. I think my friends eventually caught on. One of them accidentally snapped me saying they are worried about me and will try to hang with me another day. I really appreciated that. But it didn’t change anything. I still didn’t want to see anyone. During this week I was waiting for my professor to put the final grade for the class. We needed a 70% to pass the class. I had a 69%. I was so on edge and kept checking my grade. Eventually my professor put them on a week later. I passed with a 70.04%. I felt so relieved yet started hating myself for overreacting like that. Then it really started to hit me that I just graduated with my Associates degree. I’m really fucking moving to the city. I’m going to this school. I’m so fucking excited, but theres something so nerve wrecking about it. 

Maybe it hurt the most after my brother came to visit for Christmas. He left and it’s like a part of me went with him. My depression never really went away after finding out I’m transferring. The dark thoughts were hidden. They slightly came out after he left. I was still so excited to move. It’s a completely new experience. For some reason, I’ve always had this gut feeling that I was meant to go to this school. Not because I’ve dreamt of going to this school after high school and thought I never actually would. Deep down I know there is a special reason for me to have come to this school. It’s as if a certain energy is pulling me into this. I’ve never felt anything like it before but it’s like something is destined for me here. A few people told me maybe this school isn’t really that great and I understood they are trying to look out for me, but i cant really explain it. I know I meant to go here I just dont know why yet. 

My first weekend here was very tough. I barely slept my first night. The days before I actually started classes felt so long. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone. It’s weird. I’m used to being alone so why is this so different? Shouldn’t I be okay with this? I wasn’t. There was no way I could tell that to anyone. I spoke to my dad on the phone and I told him I moved. He was so happy for me. I think he was happier for me than I actually was. There was one thing he said to me that has always stood out to me. He said, “Do you finally feel free?”. i just laughed it off but in reality I didnt. At all. I know I should have. That’s one of the main reasons I wanted to move out. But for some reason I’m too fucking sad to care or even think about that. My first week went by pretty slow. It wasn’t too bad and the loneliness died down just a bit. But here i am. Third weekend here. And I think I’m finally coming to terms that the inner demons are back. I truly think I’m getting back into depression. But just like from the worst times of my life. This will be my third time that it has come back to haunt me and play with me. I’m sitting here in my room crying. I did absolutely nothing today other than sleep and watch some tv. My friend came to the city today to visit her bf but she invited me to eat lunch and go to a party with them. I agreed to the party but realized it is completely out of my comfort zone. I know her bf but haven’t hung out with him and his friend enough to be comfortable with. They were going to a party that nobody really knew. And I was battling with myself all day if I wanted to go. I should go bc it’ll be fun and I can get out of the house and hey free booze!!!! But no I shouldn’t because I dont want to get drunk with people I dont know or am comfortable with. I’m just scared and I will rather stay at home. So last minute I told my friend that I’m just going to stay in for the night. I’m avoiding her response by writing on here. I hate that I’m completely pushing my friends away but I can’t help it. i have no desire or effort that I want to put into going. Maybe if we went to a bar I will say yes because I would be more comfortable with the idea. But a party? where I dont know anyone? Definitely not for me. 

But its not just that. i’m feeling empty. And a bit confused. Maybe a little lost. I dont want to communicate with my friends over any social media apps because I will feel like a complete burden and feel like shit by thinking I’m annoying them. Its fine talking to people in a group project for a class but then coming to my apartment..I feel kind of trapped in a way. Not trapped like being in a room. But the kind where I just want to have people I know. Of course I’m getting to know my roommates, but even I feel like I’m somehow weirding them out or annoying them. I hate that I care so much over small things like this. It’s not like i really care what people think about me but its the small things i guess and I get so much anxiety from it. I know I had a purpose to come here, but now I’m wondering if I should feel like this along the way. I know its still just the start of something new but im hoping it only gets easier. 

[aliensnthoughts]

New.

Everything is new. And I’m not sure how I feel about it. I remember the time leading up to this moment was something I couldn’t wait for. I was completely nervous but so excited. Now that its here...I feel kind of empty. It’s not something I thought I would feel again. Or at least so soon. I couldn’t wait to leave the old. Now I have and its something so new I never found it to be difficult. I’m always grateful for new experiences but i’m trying to realize why this was my destiny? I’m in the city that I love and the school I’ve always wanted to go to so why am I feeling the way that I am? I’m completely alone. Which is something that I’m used to. But now I really am alone. With no one I know. And i’m trying to be tough. Which is something i learned to do over the past few years. I loved being alone. Of course there were times where I was bit out of it. But now I feel completely lonely. I’m completely terrified. I don’t want them to be back but it really looks like they are. 

[aliensnthoughts]

Time.

Wow. I’ve always wanted to continue writing. Or at least I’ve thought about it. I’ve been scrambling everything in my head. I have no idea how it has been capable of storing all of these memories and thoughts but our brain is a miraculous thing, isnt it? Same with time. I haven’t written in here in almost a year. Within that year, I feel completely different while also remaining to who I am? Is this growth? I don’t even know who I really am right now. Or at least I’m just winging it I guess. But it doesn’t feel wrong? My self a year ago wouldn’t really recognize me now. Or believe the shit I’ve been through this year. And that’s the thing. This year has been revolutionary for me as a person. And I’m not sure why. The beginning of the year I was completely different to who I am now. The thing is, I know I’m still growing. I will continue to grow. I’m just till trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. 

I started off the year, from what I remember, being completely lost. I quit my god awful job that took away my life. Once I left I had no plan. I quit, I finished spring semester, and I went to texas. While also transforming myself into a new hairdo (completely chopped off my hair to a small curly bob). It was fine at first. I saw my dad and brother. We had an amazing time. It was when I came back I got lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt as if I was staring at a blocked road. I couldn’t go anywhere because I didn’t know where to go. For a month and a half I would continuously have breakdowns because I was confused. What am I doing with my life right now? What will I do in the future? In a couple of weeks? Months? All these questions really got me asking myself the one thing that bothered me the most: Who am I? Where am I supposed to be? But as I’m typing this out now I want to ask myself: Where do I want to go? 

I got completely bored with myself and was starting to lose money. I got a job with my former manager. I met new people and reunited with old ones. I guess I can say it’s where my first summer fling happened. And now looking back at it, I don’t regret it but it’s not such a pleasant memory. And these experiences I go through is something I learn along the way and transform me into who I am now.

So who am I now? I know in the beginning of the year I was wondering what I would be doing around the end of the year. Who I would be. Well, here’s this. I’m graduating with an Associates in Arts in December 2018. I’m starting my first semester at my dream school in January. I’m someone who messes around because I know better than to get into a relationship. I’m working full time. I’m saving as much as I can. I’m financially budgeting between my wants and needs. I’m a bit lost still. But this is growth. Only time will reveal my identity in the future. As for now, I will continue to live. Or try. 

[aliensnthoughts]

Missed Connections

2AM listening to Daft Punk while scrolling on old Reddit posts about missed connections at Lolla this year. Reading these strangers memories of people they have met over a short period of time somehow makes me incredibly happy. And I can’t stop smiling because I think of random people I’ve met at a couple of sets. I wanted to write my own missed connections before my horrible memory erases them forever. And also because this cold weather is making me feel terrible and horribly missing Lolla and summer right now. Here goes:

Thursday, 8/3: At kaytranada’s set, my friend and I joined these 2 friends who were dancing and having a blast. We exchanged each others name but I’m so sorry I forgot what they were. It started drizzling and we were having such an amazing time. Also thanks to the dude who offered us joint. And at Lorde’s set, I remember a tiny older girl, Sally, and her best friend joined in our crazy dancing. This was such a magical experience. It was pouring and Lorde had such high energy and we were all screaming the lyrics and dancing all crazy in the back with our ponchos. The memory that really stood out to me was when we were all singing to 400 Lux and we were all so fucking happy. Once they started evacuating us, Sally said she was happy she joined us and totally would’ve offered us a joint but the ones she had were ruined from the rain. Hey Sally, hope you and you’re friend are living life. 

Not a missed connection but almost lost my GoPro when running to the shuttle bus that takes us to the hotel. Praise my friend who found it on the street. Truly blessed.

Memorable mention: Some assholes started fighting next to us and they started pushing us so my friend just punched one of them and wow was that great.

Friday, 8/4: A memorable day but mostly from the acts. Didn’t really meet people today. Other than...My friends and I were having a good time at Mura Masa until one dumbass snatched my friends GoPro from her jacket. (gotta say that was slick as hell). We thought she dropped it until she went inside the crowd and found the guy who stole it. The best part? He was using it and recording and my friend SNATCHED it out of his hand and walked away with it. So yeah, another GoPro almost ripped away from us. Also just wanna say how memorizing it was to see Foster and how much fucking fun The Killers’ set was. And we were like a couple feet behind Shawn Mendes during this set but didn’t know until afterwards. He was also at bishop briggs but on the other side of the stage. Just my luck!

Saturday, 8/5: Another day where I didn’t really meet anyone new. Malia Obama was also at Aminé’s set but I was so damn far back that I obviously didn’t see her. I really wish I saw Glass Animals instead of Highly Suspect. Regardless they put up a good show. My love Banks was incredible as usual, and of course Chance’s set was amazing.

Sunday, 8/6: WHAT A DAY! Charli xcx was insane when Cupcakke came out. She really made the crowd moan for seconds. What a women. Big Sean was so hyped up it was amazing. When he played Dance (A$$) our own little section created a circle and we would each dance in the middle. Then we eventually all went into the circle and it was like a mosh pit. So fucking funny. OH AND THE MOST MEMORABLE PART: JUSTICE. 

So there’s that. Just writing this out made me laugh and smile and holy shit I was having such a good time. Guess I’ll deal with depression till I get my lolla  ‘18 tickets next year. 

[anastasiagreenleaf-deactivated2]

i thought it was dark outside,  i thought it was dark outside…

[darkermoonnow]

[indiespace-blog1]

[indiespace-blog1]

[aliensnthoughts]

Change.

Change is weird. And somehow saddening. And I’m used to change. Or at least I’m okay with it. If anything I’m usually adaptable with anything. But this one thing. I don’t think it’ll ever change. My feelings towards the situation. Towards him. He lives with us now. Again. After oh I don’t know, three four five years? I lived with him for a year before and I guess I should have known what it was like to live with him again. But things change. And in some ways its different. And its so sad how different things are. While he was gone my brother left too. It was just her and me. And I guess I’ve just gotten so use to living with one other person. Or maybe because it’s just him. What I do know is that it’s already bothering me. He’s been living with us for a couple weeks now and I already just feel uncomfortable. In many ways I’m lucky because he doesn’t harm us.I guess technically he isn’t a bad person. But everything from the past, my worst memories, come back to him. And I will never forget it. And it will always haunt me. I wish I could get over it and to women up and let it go but I know I can’t. And that is possibly the reason why I don’t like him. And particularly don’t want to live with him. I never wanted it to be like those days but here we are. He’s living with us again and I’m writing again and feeling sad again and feeling lonely again. All this because I have no one to talk to. I’m not saying I will have those thoughts again. I’m a whole mixture of feelings but not like those. I was so used to telling her everything and now I can’t. Now I barely see her. Our schedules always conflict, mostly mine because I’m always working late shifts. And every time I get these exciting news or some story to tell I have to remember I won’t see her because by the time I get home, she’ll be locked in her room with him. It’s weird in a way. When he was gone, I was happy at home. I had a healthy relationship with her. Yet, I know she was unhappy and lonely. Now that he’s here, it’s like we switched ourselves. And now I feel so distant with her. And we’re not talking unless if its us arguing. Or her blaming for something I didn’t do. Or her yelling at me for “being rude” to him. But not saying hi isn’t being rude. Or maybe I am being stubborn. I don’t know. I wish things could go back to being normal. But I guess now this is the new normal. Well, hopefully not for long. I’ll move out soon. I keep telling myself. Its okay. This is only temporary. Things will change for me hopefully. I’ll transfer to a university soon. And I won’t live with him anymore. I won’t have these dark feelings anymore. My mom can continue being happy with him. Meanwhile, I must find my happiness. I know I must focus on myself at this point. Continue education. Continue working. For myself. It’ll all be worth it at the end. Change in the future will be better. I hope.