Bloom♡

Janne 20-something lover & fickle fire. I moved to a new space: jannepaule.tumblr.com ✨ See you there sometimes, yea? ☕✈

[alingpoleng]

Hope this message finds you well! I came across your thought catalog writing today! Just wanted to say congrats on being published and I know it’s old but I hope you keep sharing your words with the world! Hope your 2018 has been a spectacular year so far! What made you want to share your work?

Hi!! I guess this reply is months late but I just want to say thank you for the encouragement. :) I just recently started writing again and I hope I can do this on a more regular basis. This message is just what really need right now, so thanks much again! I hope you're having a great 2019 so far. ♡

[alingpoleng]

If anyone would ask me now

I'd be confident to say I am okay, to an extent that  "I have moved on" seems obsolete, silly. There were few brief moments in 2018 when I felt perfectly fine, and this year, almost four years, and two jobs later (with so much notes in between) I've reached this point. All is well.

There is no particular date and finish line, it just happened and it occured to me this is it.

I do not see you or look for you in people in I meet and I do not miss you on cold days when my hands are shaking.  Unlike the years after the break up, when I would drop everything in a heart beat whenever you call, I know I won't even answer to that now. It's not that I'm avoiding it, and it's not like you would ever call me again it's just that there is no more impulse or urge to talk to you. Finally, all the hopes I used to have and willingness to take any chance to see you-- they are all gone.

I think of you now and strangely, there is no more longing. No more feeling.

Thank God for thos brief moments of clarity from last year and for this moment, today.

This ends out my #ASeries ✨

[alingpoleng]

on wanting to be better, settling, and coming to terms with yourself in the digital age.

Here's the dilemma: A lot of people are still learning to love and accept themselves for who they are, while others are trying and striving to change themselves to be better, sometimes to the point that they become someone else. And then of course there are those who seemed to have the perfect #blessed life which put the first two in a totally weird place especially in this digital age of social media.

If you are coming from a standpoint where you genuinely care to change yourself for the better and inspire others to do the same, and hopefully, maybe make this world at least a little better then it's great. But there is a thin line between trying to become something better than you are now and trying to become someone you are not. I guess that line is often blurred and these two things along with other human dynamics overlap until we just feel lost about who we are and what we really want.

Do you honestly want to become this person for you? or do you want to become this person because well-- it looks good on Instagram?

On Settling:

I have always been afraid to settle-- with okay. Just okay, not too good but not too bad. Average. And really this terrifying because it affects many aspects of our lives. I mean, it's okay to settle because you are happy with who you are, what you have, and where you are in life whether it may be career or relationships. It's fine, really. But there is this tiny little voice inside that always say, "but what if you could be so much more?"

Why settle for good when you could be better? Why accept certain things when you can do something about it and change the way things are? Why settle in one place when you could be traveling the world? That tiny little voice that whispers, "more" is often amplified by what we see around us, particularly in social media where everyone's showing up in your feed continuously grinding, jet setting, and amazingly become all sorts of #goal. Even I, have my own set of life pegs, people I follow online and I realized, only a few of them remained true to who they are their purpose of inspiring others.

I always go back and ask myself:

“do I really want to be better for myself because I don't want to settle for just good?

or do I want to be better because it is a social media standard to become something spectacular at a very young age otherwise what the fuck are you even doing with your life?”

“Is it so wrong to want greatness and keep up with the standards that by the way are being raised every day? Is it so wrong to settle and be happy with who you are now?”

To settle and find contentment and happiness where you are in life and be able to come to terms with certain things about yourself by loving and accepting-- is probably one of the most courageous things you can do in this digital age that tells you to always be something big something and influential something worth-instagramming about.  Because it means that whatever you have and wherever your are, you are happy. You are contented. And that's amazing because many of us don't have that.

 Now I resolved that maybe sometimes, I take the word “settling” or "to settle” as something negative, as if it is just being okay with less.  To settle, in a positive note, is a more accepting so I guess the better word is: contentment. Accepting that you are human in every possible way, every curve of your body and shades of your skin and all the things that make you-- you: that's loving and accepting.

If there is something you want to change about yourself, your relationships, your career, your environment or even your country, and you know you can change it, and you know that it will make things better, and you want and you can do it, then by all means, do it. Let's do it. Let's make things better. But if it's something that you can't come to terms with, something you cannot control, let it go.

I am still learning this too, among other things.

Despite my fear of settling and being stuck in one place, I learned that the technique is to find the good in where you are, and what you do and decide if that good thing would be enough to grow something else. If not, go for the better and that's the time you don't have to settle.

I guess contentment equates happiness. And being contented with your life now does not mean that you don't want to strive for more, it means that you already have something valuable, that is more than enough to be grateful for and be happy about-- and that is something we can only decide for ourselves.

[alingpoleng]

I carried pain inside me for a long time and fed it with everything that is good and bad in our memories until it gained so much weight that it could not take anymore. So it decided to maybe run around the block, the acad oval, or maybe to you-- well that's shit is too far about five hundred miles from here. Sometimes I think it got lost somewhere after not returning for a long time but that bitch always find its way back to me, running back and catching for its own breath, exhaling to me whatever polluted news it caught in the timelines and news feed of people whose names have been blacklisted in my heart forever  just to test if it still affects me.  It does. It did. It used to. Sometimes it visits with some false hope just to see my reaction and laugh at my face for buying and falling for it. It ran back and forth, and on rare occasions even bringing you and your cheap i missed yous wrapped in toxic plastic bag along that would probably suffocate me to death if I ever take one from your hand. Not this time. Pain has tested my waters too many times and I tell you, the bitch finally drowned in my ocean.

[alingpoleng]

Ten Things I am Thankful for (June 2018)

June is over and I can’t believe we’re halfway through the year already. Sometimes I feel like sulking with some tumblr meme that goes like “wow, time flies when your life is falling apart”. I am nowhere near my goals for the year nor I have any I idea how to reach them while June has been wild, like the Anchor’s Away kind with fair share of ups and downs. And although it’s really easy feel defeated, I feel blessed because I am still here, trying. I don’t exactly feel good right now, but I feel inspired to write everything I am grateful for this month. Thanks to Macy Alcaraz’s ten things list, now I get to finally write my own. I initially intended to write what was June like but I figured the best way to express it is this way, thankful and in retrospect.

1.       Bali Trip –  I went to a five-day adventure with HS best friend Claire in Bali, Indonesia. Wonderful would be an understatement for our experience because we have met the warmest people in Bali. This was the first time that I got to spend so much time talking to locals and learning about their culture. This trip was really meaningful not only because it was my best friend’s birthday but also because we were able to spend some good quality and quiet time. It’s been rough at work that this trip was the ultimate break I’ve been wanting to have. Beautiful beaches, breathtaking temples and sunsets, warmest people, vibrant culture and the weather was really great, too. I am coming back for Nusa Penida, soon. Matur Suksma, Bali.

2.       Outreach program + Bolinao Side Trip – I have always wanted to do volunteer work but I never managed to do it because of so many reasons (and excuses, tbh) so when my Aunt Cyn from US invited me to their family outreach program months ago, I immediately said yes. We donated school supplies to the students of Anoling Elementary School in Tarlac and it was such a joyous, heartwarming experience especially when you see the smiles of the kids when they received their bags. Their happiness was contagious, and the way they show gratitude, at a very young age is something their parents and teachers should be proud of. I hope those kids grow up to be the best version they can be and live up to their dreams. There were so much hope in their eyes that we, the adults, should always remember to have.

After the outreach, we visited my grandmother’s sisters next town and went to Bolinao, Pangasinan. Yup, I certainly could not get enough of beaches.  The weather was not too friendly but I have always been in awe of the waves. I am glad because I met new people, the ones who organized the outreach event, and I got to bond with this side of our family. It’s a rare opportunity, so I am really thankful for the experience.

3.       Bosses/Leaders - I have been blessed with good superiors since my first job. My former Team Leader, and now my current bosses in my current job. I am really touched because Dr. B. went out of his way to  reach out to Atty. P to discuss my options when I said I was going to resign. Both of them have been so kind and concerned about my career and decision in life; they’ve shown me great generosity, and I have nothing but gratefulness. They are both great leaders in their own ways. They have been very understanding and supportive even when I was at my worst.  I guess God does have some odd ways of showing us His love. He has a way of making us realize that we are blessed.

4.       Opportunities to figure out my life path and people who gave out chances to follow that path - I never had a plan B when I decided to quit my current job. But thanks to my best friend Aldee and my sister Raffy because they shared about work openings I could apply to (I know, I haven’t figured out my life this much)

I originally applied for CSR at my sister’s company but when I mentioned that really want to work in Content, the HR kindly endorsed me to that department. I have not yet heard anything from them, knowing I am just on the waitlist but still, I am thankful for the chance.

I also applied for Content Editor post to a different company. I really wanted this job badly, but I knew I already fucked up the exam because I came unprepared. I did not pass, sadly, it breaks my heart. :( I knew it was my fault and maybe I should have tried harder, or maybe it wasn’t the time yet. I prayed to God to help me understand His will and help me accept the things that are not for me, at least not for now.

I am thankful because even when I didn’t get the job that I really want, I got an offer to go back to my previous department, thanks to Dr. B. and Atty. P, for allowing and supporting me on this. I’ll be back there starting first Monday of July and I am so grateful. I already have some plans on how to make the most out my stay in my new-old workplace.

5.       Friends who love you even when you suck. I am always grateful to Aldee and Ces, my couple friends whom I always third-wheel to. They still love me even when I go MIA for months and even when I suck as a friend, too many times. They have always been my support system, lifting me up when I feel down, and always saving my ass out of trouble. I don’t know what I’d do without them, honestly. Also thankful for the long, meaningful conversations about life and social media and its profound effects to our well-being, (yup, we really talked about such things).

Thankful for that friend who messaged me to say she missed me.:””( My college friend, Kim. I missed her too! I hope to see her really soon. My friend Alexis from High school also messaged me after a long time, just to tell me that she dreamt of me getting married to a foreigner (haha, lol) that was really out of nowhere but it feels good.  And of course thankful to Loms, for always listening to my work and life rants. I would have lost my shit at work if not for her.

6.       St. Clare in Katipunan – I figured desperate times called for desperate cry for help. Thankful to finally able to visit and offer eggs and flowers to St. Clare in Katip and pray for miracles. ♡

7.       BeautyMNL - because beautymnl is the way to cure a broken hearteu. Sometimes I think their free shipping and quick delivery (14 hours from online check-out, gah. I love you BeautyMNL ♡ ) is a t r a p, but I was able to restock my favorite Laneige and Korean sheet masks so that makes me really happy. I also bought new lip tint. Yay! Thanks, self.  

8.       New favorites Alert: What’s Wrong With Secretary Kim – I haven’t watch any k-drama series in a while and this one is really good. Thanks to Aldee for getting me into this. It’s like a new welcome distraction for the crazy time of the year.  

Another favorite is Set It Up on Netflix. It ignites something inside me about dreams to the point that I keep watching my favorite parts over and over again.  

9.       Korean Sheet mask on my face, as I write this. It’s July one, but it’s still counted right? Because #self-care is important.

10.   Finally some time to write <3 this is probably the longest one I’ve written in a while. I hope I could keep up with this.

Thankful for everything first half of 2018. May the next few months be a period of magnificent transformation, as the quote says.

If there is a comeback run in Nike Training Plus, I guess this is my comeback piece, for writing. Hello again.

♡

[alingpoleng]

Another note to self:

This morning I received an email from a student from my University conducting a tracer study of its graduates. At the end of the survey, they ask for a short message from alumni to inspire other students from the same college. It was really funny to be asked by this.

I thought, should I tell these kids the truth? I mean, it’s not like we were sheltered in our beloved Sintang Paaralan. The hard slapping reality that life after graduation is a major bitch compared to your pain-in-the-ass minor subjects and nothing you ever studied for in college would actually tell you what you are going to do when you’re stuck. I wanted to tell those kids that man life is hard. I don’t freaking know what the hell I am even doing with my life and I don’t have any plans yet, either. I am stuck so don’t ask me for inspiration because I am a dead end.

Make plans, have a vision, but don’t panic? I should probably tell them that they should be panicking at this point if they are about to graduate and work opportunities from the top networks in the country are still not visible. I am silently panicking for years.

I supposed they already know that, students from my University are smart and tough. I know some of my friends and fellow batch mates who are struggling right now, we all are; but it doesn’t mean that the future graduates will have the same fate, right? Honestly, I hope that they will do what they love, or at least, love the job they will have.

So here’s what I wrote:

“Make the most out of your college days. Be that bibo kid in your production classes if you have to. The world outside the University won't be easy, I guess you already know that but that is what you're trained for-- what we're all trained for, to be tough and brave-through this adulting life and be successful (in your own terms) whether you work in the media industry after graduation or not. Lahat ng ginawa at natutunan mo sa college, one way or another, magagamit mo siya. Good luck! :)”

I sent this to my college friends and they laughed at my wisdom. It is silly— coming from someone whose shit is all over the place. Maybe this is not just for them, but another note to self for me.

[alingpoleng]

14:42

Today in JP tries to write everyday: Mid-day crisis

I am really, extremely sleepy since I woke up. My fling with antihistamines is so bad, you can say. But still, I managed to finish two draft contracts at work today. I just can’t review and finalize it now because I am too groggy for error-checking. I almost finished the whole big bar of Crunch my boss gave me for my birthday just to keep going but my eyelids are still heavy. That’s why my end-of-the-day goal is to catch up on sleep. I still have one and half episode left in I Am Not A Robot and I don’t want it to end just yet. Huhu I have this thing for postponing to watch last episodes because I don’t want them to end.

I am just a little worried that my energy will spike up later today (bedtime, when I don’t need it the most, what a traitor) because of the copious amount of sugar and caffeine I consumed today. 

I could really use some fifteen-minute power nap now but our bosses are literally everywhere, popping up here and there and I don’t wanna get caught snoring. 

God of Sleep, send help. 

[alingpoleng]

Maybe I should let go of this notion that I should finish all my work and personal backlogs first before start working on new goals. I have this fling with unfinished business that keeps me from accomplishing anything and rather add more pending work to do. My priortization skill is pretty messed up, so I have to work on that as well as organization which both requires discipline. I was in a height of great hopes and big dreams for 2018 in the beginning of the year, it was almost like a sugar rush. Now, January has started and I am still rambling back and forth about my plans. Hence, I decided to dedicate my birth month to planning and preparation which includes finishing off all my 2017 backlogs in between while making sure I won't be off track from my actual goals. Priorities. I know I started this post with letting go of my fling with unfinished business but I figured it won't be done on its own and there's no getting away with it. This is what writing always do,I guess. It makes you realize what you really need, what is important, as if making space inside our head so the better decisions could fit in. Again, priorities and discipline. Begin with an end in mind, they say. I hope by the end of 2018, I can look back and see that I made it, I was able to accomplish my goals. I have become a better person to others and the best version of myself.

[alingpoleng]

Hello 2018 ♡ 

Something tells me that this year is going to be great. 2018 would be golden. It has this vibes of millenial blush and gold enveloping the sky when you look up during a pretty afternoon. I'm not sure if you understand what I mean, but it has all this magic, glowing with hope for better days. 

Maybe the past year has been so difficult that 2018 is going to make up for it, and the universe will be on our side, at least most of the time.

I have never been this hopeful, but I am feeling this positivity for 2018 since last December. It feels like a perfect time to fall in love (again). ♡ It is as if it’s inspiring us to love, and be a kinder soul. 

So this year, I want to become the best version of myself, albeit, I am always a work in progress. I hope this positive energy will transform us into kinder individuals for a better world.

Also,  I have decided that my guiding word for the year will be bloom ♡ All thanks to the life coaches and amazing women I follow online: Aurora M. Suarez and Arianne Serrafico. 

May we all bloom with grace, gratefulness and joy this 2018.

Always for love,

J

[alingpoleng]

Life lately (changes, challenges)

I haven’t written anything recently aside from the usual fragments I try to grasp as it floats around my head.

I haven’t meditated for at least two weeks because of too much work and partly because my free trial to Headspace is over. I am really tempted to go with a paid subscription but I stopped myself.

Life lately has been going crazy up and down. It started out late August when I felt like my system is failing again and my life was falling apart. You know that feeling when you are just tired and your life is not going anywhere? I had a couple of episodes of that before and then again.

I reall wanted to quit my job but I got no Plan B. I knew I needed a break that time so I skipped work a couple of times. I started meditating, and subscribed to a life coaching blog because I knew I needed it.

So far it helped get through another round of even crazier workload last September. Man, paperwork + meetings + people whom I just want to punch on face for being extremely asshole and inconsiderate and all the events on my side hustle (which I really love) really cramped up my September.

I’ve been panicking silently since August because of my upcoming trip this November and the fact that I haven’t save much for it. I really don’t want to think about money.

Honestly, I am in the brink of collapsing again– and I mean it. I can feel it coming and I may not make through the month if I don’t take break. Luckily, my team will be celebrating the first anniversary of our business so we’ll be heading up north next week! Thankfully, my boss allowed me to go. So that gives me something to look forward to despite the stress.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned (and still learning) about meditation that is mindfulness. I’ve been observant of my mind and health amd what my body tries to tell me. This is the point where I learned the important of rest, of taking a break and knowing how to breathe. (Signs of aging, #yaaass lol)

My body or health in general is changing, I noticed. Gone are the days when 19-year-old college self can survive weeks of production with only two hours of sleep in transit and instant noodles and copious amount of coffee. I get tired easily these days. The commute and work exhaust me most of the time.

I’d like to blame it to not being athletic or being active in sports or even exercise. I should not be feeling this now right? I am only 22. But health knows no age.

I really want to focus on my mental, physical, and spiritual health. #Adulting is such a draining phase. It’s dreading just to even think that this is just the beginning and this will take a long time. Good Lord, send help.

This is also an important time to learn and set my priorities straight, I really hope health does not fall last on the list.

Everything is about work, work, and work these days. I hope we all find time to just breathe.

This is the longest personal post I’ve ever written in a while. With this I also decided to install new theme for the blog and hopefully help me to find time to write. Wow. What a concept.

I guess this is also my first *first draft challenge*

xx

P.S. no edits :)

[alingpoleng]

And I'm sorry because all I can do right now is apologize for not being able to work. To my self, to my best friends and business partners. To my job that sustains me even when I am being the least responsible person in the office. I'm in dire need to take a break. To breathe. To quiet my mind and clear my head. To focus. Before I can think; again and sort out my priorities. To leave, to live. To runaway until I remember what I need and want to do. To escape so I can come back. To breathe. Send help.

[alingpoleng]

Do not go through your lives just to get by. do it right and do it with all your heart. GETTING BY WILL EAT YOU ALIVE

Trisha Velarmino's TEDx talk ♡

[alingpoleng]

An Excuse from the Universe

There was this scene from Goblin where after nine years, Grim Reaper had an excuse to see Sunny. He was supposed to deliver this letter for Eun Tak from Canada.

After two years, I finally got mine (not to see Sunny, but you, of course it has always been you.)

I must have been a good girl these past few months, or the universe finally noticed my silent screams and took pity on me. Maybe, it was just trying to play tricks on me yet I was so willing to volunteer in this another disappearing act, again.

But nevertheless, the universe was on my side for once, and gave me an excuse to see this one person I am only allowed to miss.

It came to me as a surprise when I saw your name on an incoming call: you and your way of coming easily. We talked for about half an hour that Sunday afternoon and decided to meet three days later. I knew that at any given time, I would still choose to see you.

My mind went past its speed limit about all the stories I wanted to tell you. How I’ve been, about my travels and adventures and lessons I learned after we parted ways last year.

I mentally made a list of the things I wanted to ask you: Have you been well? How’s work? How’s your mom? And all sorts of things. But your car have this alarm system reminding the passenger to put the seatbelt on. So I did. I fastened my seatbelt and held myself together, and everything I wanted to tell you. We talked about the mundane little things at hand, leaving out the more important parts: us. If there was even an us to begin with.

I carefully navigate through the things I say as if we are going through a field of landmines that might explode in case I made a wrong step. I learned that you watched Goblin, too. You even have their songs on your car and I had them on my spotify and somehow I felt connected. It felt like I was back in our little bubble back then, only a different time now. A bubble that will burst anytime soon.

Funny because you still have our song on your playlist: I knew you weren’t doing it on purpose but secretly, I was happy. I am happy that you remember, because I will never forget.

I watched and listened to you from the passenger seat. I’ve never seen you in white crisp button downs before, you weren’t so bad yourself. Your stories kept us going and I laugh and exchanged punchlines at right places, I guessed. But all things I wished to tell you vanished. I just lived up to the fleeting moment without telling you that I’ve missed you.

My heart was racing all the time and I got weak on my knees. You still do this. I was in high spirits but I kept my hopes in check. Nope. Not this time, self.

You see I’m still a bad navigator because we got lost on our way a few times before we found the bureau in the end. I’ve always been your bureau buddy and I am okay with it. You were caught for overspeeding a month ago, while I, on the other hand tried not to get caught off guard all this time. You paid your penalties and got your driver’s license back.

Sometimes it feels like the world is still making me pay for the last two years, but I learned to stop wondering if you will ever come back.

I didn’t wait for you to say, “we should see each other again sometimes’, or “we should call each other later,” I knew we’re not headed to that. The universe already granted me an excuse today and to me, that was more than enough.

I set the waze on your phone for directions back to South. Maybe one day you find your way back to this adamant fool I call my heart (or maybe not). You didn’t stay long enough and drove away. You have always been like that. I don’t know if it rained so hard that day after you dropped me off or maybe it was just my heart.

[alingpoleng]

Maps

it's like how you know your favorite song from your old mixtape-- even when you have not listen to it for ages, but when it plays on radio on a Sunday morning, you just know it by heart. or like the street you grew up on, after not coming back for so many years, you will still know where your home is. you know, i guess you will always know the way to my heart; or my tickle parts to make me laugh. you know (or maybe not) that the stories you tell about your adventures will always get me. you know how or when to call with certainty that i will answer. and i will always answer; it's not like you memorized me, but everytime you walk in and out of my life reminds that i was the one who handed you the maps and the keys to my heart.

[alingpoleng]

Firsts and Lasts

071917 • I was never anybody's first love, and perhaps not anyone's last, not yet at least. But I like to remember the firsts, the beginnings. I love this quote from Junot Diaz that goes like: the moment you start thinking of the beginning: it is the end. It's weird and ironic yet true and beautiful all at the same time. Still, I love to remember the firsts. First dates that lead on to second and third and on and on. There were first dates that marked the end even before it started. I remember the first picture in my old VGA camera, before the smartphone era. There was an awkward space between us but our smiles reached our eyes; our faces before a hundred of hole-in-the-wall food hubs we devoured and (instagrammed). I remember the occasional but funny awkward silence in between meals. The first road trip that taught that missing the left turn will lead to a greater adventures. The first time we call it love. It was love. The first fight that I wished to never happen again and the first time I walked away only to find myself tracing my way back to you. The first holding hands and the butterflies. The first time I felt that the walls are finally crumbling down. The first time you stormed me with cold silence with impending anger only waiting for us to end. I wonder how many of those firsts time became the last and I wonder why we couldn't last. It's funny because I've been rambling back and forth to our small beginnings even if it ended a long time ago.

[alingpoleng]

Letters to my (not so distant) past self:

22 July 2017 Dear self from July 2015: If you are going to ask me how I've been, I'm going to tell you that I am at a time of the year where I was supposed to be preparing for something important that is approaching: it's the season of remembrance. This is probably why future self is not allowed to time travel letters to her beta versions because it might just scare them. But I want you to know that you are my favorite version of self. You will go through the most amazing time with the people who will change the course of your life. I believe you've met some of them. You are my bravest version and every time I feel like nothing is going right in my life, I look back at you and wish I could just be you again. I hope you receive this letter at a later time because it might just confuse you but hell, you never listen anyway. You are stubborn but you follow your own heart and that's the best thing about you; that is what I loved about you. You have to keep doing that, okay? Today is two years from your time. I just had my waxing session and my brows threaded. I was supposed to get a haircut at Fix but Charles is on leave. Yes, he's still my favorite stylist. I bought a new book but don't worry because it was on sale and it is what inspired me to do this. It's 11:23 PM now and it's a rainy night. So many things are going on and I need to clear my mind. Hence, I write to you. This version of you is still growing and learning. Don't be scared to go through the next few months and years. You have a series of great adventures ahead of you. This is just the beginning. Always with a brave heart for love, J, 2017.💖

[alingpoleng]

Here’s why I don’t or rarely drink anymore:

I’ve had enough of daily conversation about existential dread that I’m terrified going through it again when I’m drunk. It makes me realize how disappointing my life is and defeats the purpose of escaping and forgetting altogether.