Alitay910;

My personal blog. If you don't like bellyaching, unfollow now because that might be all that will be on this blog. The early 20s is a tumultuous time and depression is a bitch... You've been warned! For fun things, visit thebirdsandtheblogs.tumblr.com

[thebirdsandtheblogs]

I don’t know what I did to deserve the people around me.

Was videochatting my boyfriend and hysterically crying about not knowing what I was doing with my life because nothing with PA apps has been going to plan and I feel like a failure because I finally allowed myself to be sad about being rejected to all the schools I applied to last cycle. What am I supposed to tell my parents? Why am I so behind? What the hell am I doing with my life? Why am I doing jack shit with my life right now? Why do I have to do jack shit with my life while waiting for apps to go through for 1-2 years?

Then out of the blue in the middle of me sobbing, our mutual friend messages us saying that he talked to his PA friend who said he’d be down with me shadowing him.

“That’s not a coincidence. That can’t be” my boyfriend said through somewhat hysterical laughs

Then a few minutes later I get random messages on Tumblr from a really old middle school friend about posts she thinks I’ll like (spoiler: I do)

I’ve never been a particularly religious or spiritual person, but maybe Alex is right. Maybe it’s not a coincidence. Either way though, damn, I sure am one lucky bitch.

[alitay910]

Me: I've been spending a lot of time with friends and my mental health is doing great!!

Me: *spends five minutes alone*

Brain: 46 Reasons Why Your Friends Don't Actually Care About You

[alitay910]

ah depression, here I am again

You couldn’t let me be happy with a new boyfriend or a higher position at my job

Instead I’m likely going to fail out of a class I paid $1000+ to take as a prerequisite to apply for a PA program. I’m teetering on the edge of spontaneously turning in my letter of resignation purely to spite my higher ups. I’m pushing away people who could help. I’m laying on the ground doing nothing and then coming to, only to realize 3 hours had passed. I’m cutting the skin on my hips because it’s easy to hide and it’s not like my boyfriend sees me often enough for it to be a problem. I’m eating my feelings or lack thereof after work only to throw it back up and spend hours afterward on Instagram, creeping and hating my body. I'm having random panic attacks when falling asleep and hyperventilating till I pass out. I’m catching myself imagining how I could injure myself or kill myself. Some people imagine themselves sinking into the ground when they are embarrassed. I imagine knives piercing my head or gutting my stomach or butterflying my neck when the slightest bit embarrassed, uncomfortable, guilty, or sad. I don’t even mean to do it. Why?

What a fuckin waste of space

[greelin]

boy howdy i sure do sound ugly when i speak and laugh and breathe and look ugly when i’m awake and sleeping and alive

[alitay910]

Why is it that I become exponentially more insecure once I’m in a relationship than when I’m single? It’s like all that self-love and growth from the last year or so never happened, and in fact I’m almost worse than I was before???

[alitay910]

ah man... I was doing so well for myself, not being depressed and being somewhat of a functional adult for the last few months. what happened? where did this come from?

commence ~*binge eating*~ woo!

[alitay910]

You know you have a problem when you feel fire in your throat, hear gravel in your voice, and taste sugar in your water that isn't actually there because the acid you coaxed out of your body so many times burned everything in its path

[i-jupiterpluto]

[angelictrauma]

im hot

H ard to love O bnoxious T errible

[uptional]

[leftrightloveright]

[alitay910]

why

[beyazencyy]

[alitay910]

fuck

[mastersagegap]

[alitay910]

Lol @ myself for crying for 5 minutes after looking at a gif with sexual implications because it makes me feel even more lonely and unlovable than I already feel? Like from my perspective now it looks less sexual and more intimate and loving?? Like why can’t I have someone who feels that way about me????? Why am I so alone all the fucking time??????? Even in terms of friends??????????????? What the fuck is wrong with me??????????(everythingprobs)??????????????

I should really lay off the alcohol. I’m actually becoming an alcoholic. It’s getting to be a problem

[alitay910]

i’m so fucking lonely

llololololololololololololoolololololololololololololololol

[alitay910]

I felt a little weird about seeing my parents this weekend. It had only been 3 weeks since I last saw them, and I felt totally and completely fine being on my own and being independent (unlike how I was during undergrad), but my parents were getting antsy and kept sending hints through text. So they came up to visit me (since I had to work Saturday morning and couldn’t drive home Friday night to stay the weekend) and we spent the afternoon together and ate dinner and laughed and shopped and it felt great. I don’t think I realized how much I missed my parents till we were sitting down at dinner together. Nothing feels more like “family” to me than sitting around a table, eating good Chinese food, and talking about silly little things. That look in my mom’s eyes though when we hugged goodbye I felt okay until that moment when I saw her tearing up and smiling Ugh feelings

[alitay910]

I thought my uke was going to get here by Friday or Saturday so I could start playing around with it this weekend, but noooooooo. It took a whole week to be shipped out, and now I’m going to receive it tomorrow by 8PM. But I can’t play with it tomorrow because studying for my job and responsibilities and being an adult :( Gaddammit At least I can still indulge in my alcoholic tendencies over the weekend and drink too much wine by myself :’)

[itquiet-deactivated20240530]