Five Years of Wondering @aliveinthedark - Tumblr Blog

Ms. Zagorac wanted me to post this alongside the video she sent of Robbie from Christmas 2016, but I couldn’t figure out how to do both at the same time. This is her now. She says the holidays are the hardest on her and wants people to be able to see how she feels.

i don’t know what to do

Don’t know what to do

From Robbie’s sketchbook…thinking of putting together a book of his writings and artwork. Can possibly raise money to search for their remains.

Heading out to the desert again. Thought of some new areas to cover.

I thought that with more time, the hope that I hold to - to find Robbie, or more of Robbie - would soften, or morph, as reality set in. But it hasn’t. Especially as people speculate and assume the worst. I find myself holding tighter to the idea that there’s more to find and to understand. It’s exhausting - to hold out - and confusing. All time seems to do is make this hope - this need to keep looking - feel like an identity more than a mission. And is that fair to Robbie - the real Robbie? Do I even want to reconcile “my” Robbie with the real one if he’s found - and is that why this feels so excruciatingly crucial? Because I’m defending my sense of the world - my reality - and Robbie has somehow become that - a symbol of that - after all this time. I don’t know. Is all this a tribute to someone I can’t actually know? Or never did.