@all-i-do-is-try1 - Tumblr Blog

Just your 20 something ana chick.

Sw: I didn’t have a scale until like a year ago so idk

Cw: terrified to check post treatment and this horrific swap to binging

Lw: 63 lbs

Hw: definitely current weight

Gw: 88 lbs

Ugw: 80 lbs

Height: 4’10

I’m not pro anything I just have no place to talk about this stuff. Pls just block don’t report. This is my journal.

I won’t ever been giving tips or tricks but I am here to talk. Or share experience about what to expect in treatment

This is a side blog. I fb and comment on my main

#minors dni #I’ve never been so big #I’ve just swapped restricting for binging after been taught to do that #I know based on bmi discharge rules my weight is at least 90 #but it’s a lot for my height

It’s kinda sickening the way Ed in celebs are normalized and glamorized. And the way they will body check in public too.

#I muted Ariana’s name #I have empathy but she knows what she’s doing #there’s existing and there’s body checking in public #they have access to things like vitamin drips too #for most of us who get to that level you will absolutely be passing out and probably institutionalized against you will #and the internet defends the fuck outta this . sorry but I’ve been around this enough to know what it looks like #those are body checks that she often does #she looks exactly like I did when I lost all my freedom and ngl it’s upsetting #it sounds insane if you don’t have experience but she know what she’s doing #muted that movie too #I had a big blog and I created a both a private blog and a side blog for this type of stuff bc I don’t know who’s following me #having an illness doesn’t erase all responsibility #I even block people who have her as a pfp

Once again hate how glamorized my illness is by msm.

I have empathy for thise suffering but at the same time , these ppl know exactly what they’re doing. Having an Ed isn’t a choice but body checking in public is

#we’re back to early 2000’s #they know what they’re doing and yeah it’s part of the illness

I’ll never love my mom my mom the way others prob think o should. Love her bc she’s my mom and my only parent , but don’t love her as a person.

idc if that makes me a bad person anymore. She’s toxic as hell and gaslights me whenever she’s called out on her emotional abuse

#I love her bc she’s my mom but I don’t love her as a person if that makes sense #I hate how toxic she’s been to me my whole life #but I hate even more that I have such bad abandonment issues that I don’t know how to pull back #went no contact in treatment for a few month and that was the only good part of jt

One again hate how glamorized and normalized EDs are becoming.

#like it’s absolutely hell #and yes I do realize celebs are victims of unrealistic standards too #but some of the posing is legit body checking in public

I still find any medical treatment so triggering now. Just getting lab work or putting on a stupid gown reminds me.

Idk it’s just a really weird and shameful thing as someone who’s physically better, but not mentally. I hated the constant monitoring, but I miss needing medical care for my ED. I’m not fetishizing the illness, it just sucks to have all those thoughts but not be seen

#the amount of medical shit and non stop lab work with ED #daily blood draws for 3 months and weekly for 3 #I don’t feel my danger being pricked after hourly glucose checks #even just the clinical environment is awful #this nurse today wanted to weigh me at an app with go and I said no #it’s triggering in both a good and bad way I guess? I feel like an imposter pretending to have an ed #the urge to take selfies in there again yikes #I don’t have Munchausen- Im not doing anything for attention or sympathy. but I still have that desire to be sick enough #and that’s an Ed thing.#I’ve been ‘recovered’ for a few years but my mind isn’t. idk I hated it but I miss needing medical care for my ed

Call me crazy but so much of the insane rules in treatment cause more harm, bc I would’ve NEVER in my life thought to do some of this stuff.

#I literally look back at it and I’m like ‘ was that actually necessary ? ‘#the way they would check out ears after meals bc one girl a few years ago tired to hide food their #or the rule regarding tampons #no bar soap #or no scrunchie hair ties bc people can sew little weights in …thanks for the idea #who tf is doing this. especially in res where all your luggage is checked and your watched 24/7 #all they are doing is telling people how to hide stuff at lower levels of care #I have thick curly hair and use satin hair ties #it was still thick at the height of my Ana #but I literally learned the scrunchie dress weights thing from rules #ed treatment has more harmful rules than the ED #licking your plate clean is not normal #but I was forced to and now o get upset when people don’t finish their food

Ed res is genuinely so insane. Whose idea was it to take people with the most competitive illness possible and put them all in a house together???

#I got so triggered by other patients and learned way too much #everything was a competition even subconsciously #it was just who could be the sickest #the amount of plate checking I did too. I had to be the slowest eater #I loved not feeling so alone but I think this illness is better treated individually with your own providers

Treatment was traumatic and I do think it caused more harm than good for me , but I miss having people around and being around people who get it. I don’t know anyone irl with an ED. or if they have it they aren’t aware it’s a problem and are being toxic.

#my mom has one that she claims she’s recovered from but she’s the textbook almond mom #I think years ago it was different #I also know people who went to amazing programs then went back two years later and entire program changed bc it was bought out #the model has shifted into making money and keeping people alive but still in need of help #they also refused to acknowledge any of my disabilities like asd and why some things were upsetting to me #treatment that actually focuses on trauma is better #on the flip side its crazy competitive to be around others with Ed’s. but I like not being embarrassed about my mindset or called stupid

I feel like I’d love to have a therapist that can help me with some of this shit as I’ve got no one to talk to, but that’s always a hit or miss.

It’s really common for those who work in ED to have their own unresolved issues and behave in a very unprofessional and upsetting manner, or they just pathologize every little thing. And some who have no knowledge will say dumb shit because they have no idea.

Is it too much to ask for a therapist who has enough knowledge to be sensitive yet not overbearing and weird?

#I had good and absolutely awful therapists in Ed treatment #I’ve had a ed therapist deadass compare my ed to their own and in our sessions and it was so uncomfortable #also had one who looked me straight in the eye and admitted she knew nothing about EDs #the best ones are just ones who treat trauma but don’t invalidate Ed #my long time therapist left after I relapsed bc she wasn’t a ed specialist and I’m not ready to build that trust with another person #it’s not about and I just want Someone to have enough knowledge to be sensitive without overbearing if that makes sense?

I worry about full on slipping so much bc despite really wanting that sick body again and knowing that’s the only time I’ve ever felt I have any worth, that feeling of control is so damn temporary for me. I’m in control until I’m not. I’m worthy, but I’m not bc nothing I do will ever be good enough.

That ED voice full force is a bully sitting on my shoulder 24/7, even in my sleep. Whispering all my flaws in my ear and telling me I don’t deserve anything. That’s truly the worst part of it all. it’s not gone, just slightly quieter. It’s a constant battle in my head. And its even more frustrating to have these distressing thoughts knowing I don’t have the sick body I associate them with,

#I still have a lot of the thoughts and behaviors but I haven been able to restrict or lose like I once did #it’s like on / off but I look fine #tw ed thoughts #tw recovery #I’m not pro it’s an illness #I already have zero self seem but when that ed voice it loud it’s just the worst #pro recovery #tw ana recovery #frustrating thing is the thoughts aren’t gone the distress isn’t gone but I look healthy

I genuinely don’t know how grown adults have this and function, like yes I’m aware it doesn’t go away once you get older. But it’s just a million times harder to deal when when i’ve got adult responsibilities.

I’ve got so much envy too, I’m literally a whole decade behind by peers in terms of developmental milestones and really the ability to live like an adult. I don’t even have the energy to hold down a good job and the financial burden of an ED is so stressful.

#it was easier to do this when I had no responsibilities #I feel bad for really young kids who miss out on childhood to their ed too #I feel like it’s too much to handle #I can’t hold down a job #I couldn’t even finish school bc of this #im thankfully privileged to have the ability to stay at my parents rent free #but I hate it and want to he an adult #An ed is so expensive and that’s not even including the medical costs #safe foods are expensive but I’ve got not choice bc I have to eat #idk I also feel like it’s seen as something only adolescent girls get. so there’s not a ton of resources or support for adults w

Thanksgiving is the worst holiday

Really wish I could block all those images that keep appearing on my socials. It’s so triggering for me. As somone who’s lived it it’s so sad to see such a massive resurgence in pro-a*a content and just normalizing being emaciated. Call me an anorexic hypocrite if you want, but at least I know that look isn’t normal or healthy.

#it’s toxic idk #I’m avoiding anything wicked and from certain bloggers #yeah ik im a hypocrite bc i loved looking sick but I also know damn well that’s not natural or healthy!#it’s not glamorous and I’m sick of this becoming mainstream #theres a difference between thin and emaciated and im sick of people trying to gaslight #I think it would be less of an issue if these people admitted they are unhealthy

I really hate how normalized ED’s have become again. It pisses me off to see people engaging in literal ED behaviors, genuinely the same exact shit and being praised. Yet people with ED’s are shamed and mocked on the daily

#it’s worse than early 2000’s and that’s sad #it’s triggering and upsetting to see people engaging in literal ED behaviors but being praised #calling it a diet when you’re that obsessive and placing that much morality on food is um…#yet people with ED are shamed so much #also so many with ED did things like intermittent fasting or keto ans spiraled or used it to cover up #why is is ‘ setting goals’ for some but yall calling me sick #I’m physically better now but mentally still Ana

I’ve been doing good and then I go into the massive binge every day cycle

#it’s worst at night #feel so out of control #and if I just don’t eat the food I binge on I’ll overeat other things bc I’m not satisfied #it’s like specific craving #and unfortunately always really high cal

I’ll never love that woman. She hasn’t been a safe person for me.

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