LÊOLOGY

I'm the plug, and this is my outlet. 🔌

[allaboutgems]

My carelessness broke your heart. And I have to make it right by breaking mine. I'm sorry.

[allaboutgems]

Getting a big fat taste of my own medicine. I guess I deserve it. I wonder what else you're hiding from me.

[allaboutgems]

I'm not sure if anything I do will change anything. I'm flying back home to you. Money I could easily spend on myself and time I could have spent traveling. That $800 could have been spent on the tablet I've dreamt of since I was 13. And my break could be spent backpacking through Southeast Asia. But I'd rather buy a ticket back home to you in the slightest chance I could maybe, possibly see you for a 1/16 days I'll be in California. I don't know if I'm getting through to you, that this is the most I have ever loved anyone in my life. In all of my previous relationships, I'm sure I can say I loved myself more than anyone else. Because I figured everyone else but me was temporary. I don't want to ever have to think that about you. But you're unsure about us. And I did that. All I can do now is show you how much love I am capable of giving and hope that you will accept me.

[allaboutgems]

From now on, I get to go to bed with just a memory of you. I have officially ruined the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. My anxieties and over thinking tendencies have destroyed everything. This home I built has burnt and right now, I'd love to just burn with it. I deserve all this sadness. All this pain. All this regret. I'm a terrible person. And I've ruined you. I broke your heart. I dont deserve a single good thing anymore. Do what you will with me. Im too much of a coward to do anything myself. I can feel it dying. And I'm dying too. I dont know what I can do to get through to you.

[allaboutgems]

Cowardice

I really hate who I am as a person. I’m a coward, and I’m selfish. Have you ever felt like you wanted to run away, or simply disappear? I’m such a coward I literally ran away to the other side of the Pacific ocean. How much more cowardly can you be? This high functioning anxiety has really gotten me into a lot of trouble. How did I get here? I deny things I don’t like about myself, and I run away from my feelings and my circumstances. But no matter what, you can run… but you can't run forever, and you can’t outrun your own shadow.

[allaboutgems]

September 13th 2AM

Tonight is the first night I've cried out of frustration since I got here. You make me so happy. But you make me so unhappy. You have a short temper. And get mad at me for almost nothing. I think we are on different pages. Or maybe we're just different people.

[allaboutgems]

[allaboutgems]

August 26th

When I run my fingers down the side of my thigh and winch in pain, it reminds me of how much you love me.

[allaboutgems]

August 25th

I feel like I’m losing my mind. Like I am emotionless and over emotional all at the same time. I don’t know if something is wrong with me, or why I’ve been feeling like this. But taking Stephanie’s advice, I’m going to start writing it down. I feel like I am insane. Completely illogical and insane. I feel no remorse, then I cannot stop crying hours later until I forget what I’m even crying about. I can’t help but always be wrong. Or I always seem to ruin everything. I've heard I'm too hard on myself. Which could be the reason I have anxiety and over think and over worry. I feel like a crazy person. I think I have emotional issues. Like I don’t know how to feel correctly. I seems to feel nothing and then feel everything all at once. Like I repress my emotions, and then can’t stop myself from bursting into tears. I’ve always been a cry baby. That’s why I can’t really talk about how I feel. I can’t get through a sentence without crying, and then the words just can’t come out anymore.

I’m going to make an appointment for a psych evaluation next week when I go back to San Francisco to finish up the rest of my paperwork. Maybe someone else can tell me what’s wrong with me.

[allaboutgems]

Names to Faces

Automatic negative thoughts Social anxiety with little desire to socialize Depressive mood swings Self inflicted injuries Low self esteem Little self worth I deserve every bit of what I am getting. I am destructive. I am broken. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to fix myself. What is wrong with me... I am a bad person. I think I'm a good person. I am selfish. I have a hard time relating to others. I have a hard time taking my own advice. I don't know who I am anymore. I am a bad person.

[allaboutgems]

Disappointment

What the fuck is wrong with me, what the fuck is wrong with me, what the FUCK is wrong with me? I can’t stop stepping on landmines. I don’t know why I’m so sad when I just want to be happy and you tell me I’m not trying or that I’m always sad around you but I can’t help it if I feel sad and dont know why… I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. And I can’t fix what’s wrong with me when I don’t know what I’ve broken inside of me. I can’t fix what I dont know is broken… I am so frustrated with myself. What the fuck is wrong with me. Maybe I just can’t make another person happy. I’ve always been a disappointment. I’m a disappointment to you. I’ve disappointed anyone else who’s ever loved me. And I have always disappointed myself.

I tell myself I’m good. That I have goals. But I guess I’m just lying to myself and trying to prove to myself that I’m worthy of love as I try and overcompensate for everything that I’m not. And I’m nothing.

I’m just an easy, fat, ugly, selfish bitch who has read one too many self-help articles. Who has a skewed view of her own self-worth. Who thinks she deserves love when she doesn’t. Who is nothing more than, and always will be a huge fucking disappointment.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

[allaboutgems]

You called me beautiful last night in the dark and you brushed my hair out of my face and kissed me. And really thats all I need. I'm so simple.

[allaboutgems]

I feel so stupid for telling you what would hurt me the most. I thought that if I told you, you'd take it as a warning. Not an invitation. I was naïve.

[allaboutgems]

Smile and Wave

Words hurt. They really do. I normally dont cry at all, but something about being in a relationship really fucks me up. I get so vulnerable and weak. I think I normally dont cry over anything because I don’t care what other people think. I guess I only care about what you think now. And to the person I love and would never say a hurtful word to, it really is so hurtful. So much I want to comfort myself. Do something to not feel this way anymore. Hurt myself even. Because when you say those things I feel so alone. I want to cry for help but I have no one to turn to. Like the person who’s become my entire world never loved me. And you know what you’re doing to me. You know that I cant even muster the strength to get out of bed in the morning. I sleep my days away. And I dont want to see anyone. But you. Which sucks because I have to hide how I feel from the person who’s supposed to be my support. But it’s not like you ever really want to see me or spend time with me.

Pretending you’re OK hurts. And what hurts more is the person who hurt you never really feels sorry about it. And he does it again. And again. Letting my mind run wild with infidelity just to fucking toy with me. You did it. You fucking broke me. I’m constantly bursting into tears for no reason. I think it’s because I feel like the only person I need to care doesn’t. My entire world, against me. I want to be with you every minute of every day. Because you make me feel better just by being here. But you dont really care. Or want to see me or comfort me. I’ll never forget the way you made me feel so alone when you let my cry myself to sleep while you slept soundly with your back facing me… that was the first time I felt a loneliness like this. But thats ok. I brought that on myself I guess. Smile, Amy. Pretend everything is OK. Pretend you are happy. Pretend it doesn’t phase you. I dont know how to fix myself. Please. I pride myself on never needing anyone. But fuck, I need you to be here for me. Youre the only thing that matters to me. I dont know what to do.

It just hurts so fucking much that my entire world doesn’t care.

[allaboutgems]

Today marks the 7th day in a row that I've thought of hurting myself.

[allaboutgems]

Re:

I should not trust people like you. You will take me to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss me in every beautiful place, so that I can never go back to them without tasting you like blood in my mouth. You will destroy me in the most beautiful way possible. And when you leave me, I will finally understand, why storms are named after people.

[allaboutgems]

Being with you makes me lonelier than when I'm actually on my own. It sucks get accustomed to depending on someone else.