My Story

Fever in my heart and madness in my head. If you know me, no you don’t.

[alliejalbe]

i once read a post that stated a simple fact

“life isn’t for everyone”

it sat with me, still sits with me. i remember it each day, each night, each moment i need to.

i also once read a post that if you kill yourself, your dog will forever wonder where you went; why you left them.

that was my reason for many years. i stayed for him, the hard days made bearable, the bearable days were then made easy.

now he’s gone, that reason for living now null and void.

i know i’m not long for this, but i have a few more summers of thunder storms to listen to, a few more flower fields to admire, a set of lips to taste the sweetness upon just a little longer.

[achillesinhighheels]

Yamamoto Masao (Japanese, b. 1957)

1228, from Nakazora, 2003

[alliejalbe]

i always miss the way things used to be;

living in the past.

there were easier times once, more optimistic times.

“happier”

i can’t point out specific times i’ve smiled recently-

any reason i need to stay.

i have a lust for the life i used to live and the life i could have lived,

but it’s null now;

it’s dull now.

everything the same, no purpose,

no dreams.

no goals.

[alliejalbe]

the music playing is cold,

the air coming in through my window is loud,

if i had called you all those months ago,

told you that the silence without you was deafening;

all the things i wanted to talk to you about were piling up and weighing on my chest,

“this song made me think of you”

“how have you been?”

“do you think that distancing yourself from me and putting me through the pain of losing one of the only people i had to really talk to, was worth it?”

would you have answered?

did you miss our late night conversations?

where i made myself a fool with all the stupid things i said just to keep you talking to me?

you came back, apologized and said you missed me.

the apology was quiet, though it made my stomach warm all the same.

[alliejalbe]

each sunrise, each sunset, as dull as the last

each day unchanging.

no steps forwards, just a hollow chain holding me in place.

how can i move forward if the chain remains unbroken?

how can i free myself from chains so easily broken if im not fit to live a life without them?

each day spent in chains is another day spent watching the sun rise and fall,

each night is another night spent wondering if peace will come when the rise and fall leaves my chest.

[madgirlscosm-deactivated2025051]

(excerpted from Leila Chatti's poem: "Tea", published in Missouri Review)

[alliejalbe]

i want it to scorch me as it burns through me

consuming me

i want it to burn

i need it to hurt to feel that it’s real

to feel something is real

[alliejalbe]

come back, even if only to tell me why.

[alliejalbe]

5 months without a word.

leaving me with silence and a broken promise,

leaving me with an apology that felt like nothing as you pulled away.

the one person i trusted with everything.

it hurts about as much as a breakup;

knowing you couldn’t care enough to fight for our friendship in my time of need,

and it’s been 5 months.

the sadness is turning to anger;

and despite the anger i still only have myself to blame for your absence.

[alliejalbe]

a drag path

but it’s growing up with your best friend

sleeping softly each night with him pressed firmly, protecting and comfortable.

12 years of that love, trust and bond.

years of vet appointments, dermatology appointments, medications, shots and medications to keep him comfortable.

all to have one infection tear through his body and take him away.

a drag path—

12 years of unconditional love, only to have to make the decision to end his life and end his suffering

and having to make the decision to let go of what has been your ‘everything’ for so long.

[alliejalbe]

she came up to me and lifted her arms

i picked her up and held her as she rested her head on my shoulder

who knew a long hug from a random baby could be so healing?

“you have the aura” her grandma told me

i was just happy to finally be someone’s safe place.

if alas i cannot be my own

[1poem1drawing]

Vultures are holy creatures. Tending the dead. Bowing low. Bared head. Whispers to cold flesh, “Your old name is not your king. I rename you ‘Everything.’”

- Jarod K. Anderson @cryptonature

[alliejalbe]

you haunt my dreams occasionally,

as if we were once in love.

what was once just a sexual fantasy turned to a strong connection and i’ve never had that with anyone.

that connection i mean.

two months later, i’m still grieving your loss while you’re still alive and happy.

i’m glad you’re happy but i miss our friendship.

[alliejalbe]

my trust in you could be compared to a rope

you’ve cut it; betrayed it,

you burnt the frayed edges to pull me back in

it was strong enough to hold my weight until you cut it once again

i’ve always been told that if i’m given enough rope i’ll hang myself with it

with you, is there even enough rope left?

[inanotherunivrse]

in another universe, i know how to save you.

[alliejalbe]

the space is empty;

terrifying.

there is no difference between the space within me,

the space above me, or the space you’ve left in my chest.

it’s all void of once was;

you.

it once was you.

[alliejalbe]

it’s the little things you notice when a pet is gone

the space they took up in the bed

the gross marks on the toilet

the leashes in the bathrooms

the now-clean bedroom floor

every little thing that i’m left with just reminds me that he’s gone