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They say patience is a virtue. Unfortunately for me, I was not as virtuous as I would have like. But in the end, it all worked out.

#finally #there'saringsoit'sathing #reachedmybreakingpoint

A Renewed Perspective

I cannot believe that it is has been close to a year since I have written a blog! Not that it matters, because I am the only one that ever reads it…but still, a year is a long time. And in this year, a lot has happened. I survived my first year of teaching, enjoyed my first and most deserved benefit of teaching, summer vacation, started my 2nd year of teaching, earned teacher of the month for September (shout out to me!), coached the girls soccer team (they lost every game, no shout out to me), and oh ya, I got engaged. This newest development of my life took place last month on October 30th. Michael took me to Disneyland and popped the question during the fireworks show. I’m not gonna lie, that ring looks good on my finger, and every time I look at it, I get a little giddy inside. So now, not only I am teaching two different courses, coaching soccer, and taking three classes at UNLV, there’s also a wedding to plan. With everything that I have going on, the stress factor has been very high. In fact, I do not think that I have even really taken the time to focus and reflect on the fact that this summer I am getting married, because I am too wrapped up in the millions of things that I have to do for work and school. It feels as if there has been an ominous cloud over my head because the gist of my life is wake up at 5:30, go to school, work all day, come home, work on homework, lesson plan, grade, and then collapse in bed from sheer exhaustion. The weekends have not even been something to look forward to, because guess what I have to do, lesson plan, grade, write a paper for UNLV, complete three discussion posts, respond to six discussion posts, write another paper, b.s my way through a pointless assignment, and oh ya, write another discussion post. I literally feel as if I am doing nothing but working. The saddest thing is, I love to teach, but right now, I am not loving this whole teaching thing. I feel burnt out, exasperated, and disheartened, which is why I felt like I really needed to take some time to write this blog and sort out my issues. I know that I am allowed to feel all these things, and I am sure that anyone would say they understand why I am feeling these things, but what I need to remember is the fact that my joy or contentment does not come from the situations around me, it comes from the Lord. In Philippians, Paul writes, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” As I find myself weighed down with the pressure of work, stressed over the amount of school work I have, and saddened because I am missing Michael (as it turns out long distance relationships are hard, but long distance engagements are even harder), I need to turn my eyes to the source of true contentment in life: Christ. Through the strength of Christ, I know that I can find the strength and perseverance to be content in the situation I am in. As I look forward to the things that are to come, I praise God knowing that He is working in the here and now, and will continuously claim His promise that His mercies are renewed each morning. So tomorrow morning, with a renewed sense of mercy, I will face the long day of work ahead, and find my contentment in the One who allows me to all things.

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Teacher Appreciation Week

This week is teacher appreciation week and unlike some teachers I do not teach in a school where it is expected to receive copious amounts of gifts. But today I got a gift that did not take the expected form of a Starbucks gift card or new pack of sharpies. This morning I changed the calendar for May but I dropped one of the numbers. It went behind the bookcase where I could not reach it and I couldn't move the case because it was weighed down with books. During class when I was going over the calendar students asked why there was a number missing. I explained what happened and one student said he would come after school to get it for me. I didn't think much of it because this student tends to talk a lot and can be a little spacey. I had completely forgotten all about it, but this afternoon he showed up in my class to retrieve the number. He removed the books from the case, moved the bookcase, retrieved the number and then finished the job by putting the books back and fixing the calendar. I don't know why, but it really touched my heart to see him go out of his way to do this. Sometimes it's the little random acts of kindness that can make a huge impact.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart

So it has been over four months since I have written a blog, which is an incredibly long time. The reason for that is two-fold.

1. I have literally had no time

2. I couldn't remember my username and password

But alas, it is now Christmas break so I have a little extra time, and I recovered my username and password.

The last four months have passed in a whirlwind. I never in a million years would have thought that teaching 7th grade math would be so challenging. September and October proved to be enough to make me question the reasons why I ever said yes to doing this whole teach for America thing. It felt as if I was surviving on a day to day basis, sometimes even period to period, and trying to keep myself from drowning from one day to the next. There were quite a few days when I would put my head down on my desk in defeat and question if I am doing anything to help these students. It is so disheartening when the only feedback you are getting about your teaching is your students' performance and 75% of students fail every test you give.

But then, in November, something started to change. There was one day when I was reading a devotional before school, desperate to hear from God to try and give me the push I need to make it through the day. Have you ever had an experience where you open your Bible and hope whatever scripture you turn to is exactly what God wanted you to hear? I'm not gonna lie, I have done this multiple times and multiple times I have come up short. But on this particular day, I continued reading in the devotional book I was slowly pacing through. It was written by date and even though it was in November, I was only a day in March. But that day God knew it was exactly what I needed to hear. The key scripture for that day was Colossians 3:23. Whatever you do, work at with all your heart, as if working for the Lord, and not for man, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord you are serving. And as I read the devotional that way, the Lord spoke to me in a powerful way. I am not doing this to serve the Teach for America people, I am not doing this to serve myself, I am not even doing this for my students. I am doing this to serve my God.

And ever since that time, something about this whole teaching thing started to click. I am getting a better grasp on my lesson plans, and even executing my lessons. I gave a test where only 50% of my students failed instead of 75%. Instead of counting down each day until Friday, I have started to find moments of joy in each day. And I know for a fact that this a change that could have only taken place with the grace of God. Now when I question why in the world I am doing this, I remind myself that I am serving the Lord and regardless of anything else, I am going to serve the Lord with my whole heart.

A Dream Come True?

Tomorrow marks the day when one of my biggest dreams comes true...I'm officially going to be a teacher. Like with my own classroom. That I'm in charge of. I've literally been working towards this goal and for fifteen years. And now that is here, I feel like I want to throw up. And then pass out. Only to come to and then throw up again. I remember being a student and getting a little antsy for the first day of school, especially when it was a big first day, like first day of middle school, high school and even college. But not once did I ever think of how nervous a teacher might get on his/her first day of teaching. As I sit here feeling anxious about tomorrow, I know the best thing I can do is call upon The Lord. In Philippians, Paul writes, "do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." If there is one thing that is true, it is that I am so thankful for the ways that God's hands have been in my life. I am so thankful for the opportunity He has given me of fulfilling my dream of being a teacher. And now I can only pray that he would continue to work through me and in me and would use me to achieve great things for his kingdom. So instead of being anxious I'm going to ask him for some of that peace that transcends all understanding because I have a feeling middle school students are like dogs...they can smell fear.

The top 10 things I learned at Institute

As institute comes to a close tomorrow, I want to work really hard to reflect on my experiences while I have been here and verbalize the top ten things this experience has taught me. One of the things I want to do to better myself is work on seeing the positive. I could name about 50 things I hated about institute, but instead I am going to work on bettering myself and turn those negatives into things I can grow from. So here it goes…the top ten things I learned at Institute.

P.S these are not any specific order

I have the best boyfriend ever- Almost every night Michael and I would talk on the phone and he would listen to me vent as well as provide support and encouragement that would get me through the next day. There were times when all I would do was complain about how hot it was, how tired I was, how frustrated I was with some of the students and he would always tell me the same thing: take one day at a time. In addition to being my encourager, he agreed to fly out to Phoenix so that I would not have to drive home late at night all by myself…but then he flew out early so that he could surprise me on my birthday. Brownie points to infinity, I think so.

Students need a fresh start each day, and so do I- There were multiple occasions during institute where I felt that the students’ behavior was not in line with my standards/expectations and I would become frustrated and irritated with them. This frustration and irritation would carry over to the next day and so I would be in a negative frame of mind before I even saw the students. As I came to school negatively anticipating what would happen that day, I realized that this is something I am going to need help with the big man upstairs on.

Establishing rules and procedures in the classroom is of utmost importance- You would be amazed at the amount of rules and procedures that are needed in order to make a classroom run smoothly and effectively. I only learned this from the lack of procedures that were in my own classroom this summer. Not having established a procedure for sharpening pencils, we ended up with a broken pencil sharpener from a student jamming a plastic piece where the pencil goes. Rest in peace little pencil sharpener. I never would have guess that I would have needed a procedure for sharpening pencils in the 8th grade. I stand corrected. When the fall comes, I will be ready with an anchor chart of the correct way to sharpen a stinking pencil.

The importance of developing a vision for my classroom- Before institute I had never thought about the value of having a vision for my classroom. My vision consisted of students doing their work, because well, they are students and that’s what students are supposed to do. There was also a part of that vision where students would hang on my every word and laugh at all my awesome jokes.

Be firm, fair, and consistent- This is one that I struggle with. I know the importance of being firm, fair, and consistent, but it is one of those ideals that is so much easier to talk about than it is to execute.

Don’t be a negative controller- In case there was anyone who wasn’t sure, I am most definitely a type A personality. And along with that comes the desire to have control. Especially when it’s in a classroom. Unfortunately controlling the behavior of 30+ students is not a feasible reality, so I have to learn to let go of my desire to control everything and focus on the only thing I have control over: myself. Instead of being a controller, I want to be a motivator. I want to motivate my students to be on task, because they realize the importance of what they are learning. I want to motivate my students to make good choices, because they see the value in being a person of integrity. The problem with this is that it is a process. And it is a process that I will probably never be finished learning. There is no calculated equation of how to make this happen.

Having a great group of colleagues is worth more than gold- This experience would not have been the same without all of my new Teach for America friends. We laughed together, stressed together, ate together, and complained together, and even cried together. There is great comfort in knowing that anything can happen and you can go to your colleagues and they will have your back no matter what. Including faking a call from the apartment company!

Invest, invest, invest- Throughout a class period I can become so consumed with students getting their work done and demonstrating that they have mastered the objective that I miss time to stop and invest in the students’ character. At the end of the day, what I value is the fact that my students are students of good character. Not that they scored at least an 80% on the exit ticket. With that being said, I need to take time, to make sure that I am taking time to invest in my students’ character. Teaching them about morals and values. Teaching them that they have a choice to be an agent of change in this world: an agent that brings good change into the world, or an agent that brings bad change into the world. And then pray that I will be able to plant seeds in their hearts that would cause them to desire to be people who stand for truth, justice, and love.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away- The cliché is true. There was sickness and illness going all around institute, but I tried to eat an apple a day and I was able to stay healthy. Eat your fruits and vegetables!

I can do anything through him who strengthens me- Institute was rough. There is no denying that. But at the end it was a great experience that challenged me, strengthened me, and prepared me to be a more effective teacher (hopefully). The days that I started off in prayer asking for an extra dose of God’s grace and for His guiding wisdom and discernment were definitely the better days I had in the classroom. The task that I have before me is going to be difficult, but I know that with the Lord’s strength and power, I can do it.

The J Crew! The best CMA group at Institute!

The Final Week of Institute

With the final week of institute coming to a close (hallelujah!) I can’t help but marvel once again at how slowly time can drag on but at the same time fly by. I have been gone for a month now but it feels like the last time I was at home was two years ago. But when I think about all of the things I have done and new experiences I have had, it feels like time has flown by. In this past month I have experienced more firsts than I have in a year of teaching. Students being suspended for getting into a fight, students being suspended for sexual harassment, students being expelled for making gang related gestures, and students who refused to work in groups with certain students because they have a “past.” Every day in the classroom presented a new challenge that made me realize how much I have to learn. As I think about my students, my heart breaks. Even though I have spent the last four weeks with these students, trying to lead them to academic success, I have not been able to lead them to the one and only thing that truly matters in their lives: the saving grace of Christ. And these students need Christ in their lives. They are heading down a path of destruction, a path full of pain, and sadness and hurt…the wide road that many find (Matthew 7:13). I realize that the best thing I can offer these students is my prayers. Every morning as I leave for school, I pray over them and our time together in the classroom. Now I can only pray that the time we have spent together has planted a seed in their hearts and that there will continue to be people in their lives who can water and feed those seeds. As I look to the future and begin to prepare for my classroom in the fall, I turn to the Lord to give me wisdom and discernment of how I can be a light for Him in an environment where I am not allowed to discuss religion. I can only pray that the Lord’s love will emanate through me and that my actions will speak to his power and goodness (John 13:35).

Change is the Only Constant

This past month has been one of crazy change and growth. Within the span of three weeks, I think I have doubled the amount of people I have met in my entire life, spent a week in Vegas, moved into a dorm at ASU, traveled to Portland, and taught a week of 8th grade math in summer school in Phoenix.

While there has been a lot of newness and excitement, the amount of change I have undergone has been nothing but exhausting. As I look at the ways that my life has changed within the last month and the ways that it is going to change within the next months, I can't help but be thankful for the ways that it hasn't changed. I have a family and friends who love and support me unconditionally. I have a constant grounding in the fact that all things are possible for him who believes and the strength of a Lord who will never leave me nor forsake me.

As I look at the three weeks that lay before me, the only thing I can do is take one day at a time...thanks Michael :) and continuously try to put my best foot forward. Even though it is easy to become overwhelmed and saddened by things that I am missing, the comforts of home, spending time with my best friend, and playing with my puppy, I am encouraged by the fact "He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much..." Luke 6:10. I feel that God has called me to be here, and even though it is difficult, I will be faithful. I will be faithful to the people who I am working with, faithful to the students I am teaching, and faithful to honor and serve my God in everything I do. In doing so, I claim to the promises that God has given me and know that He will be with me to the end.

It has been more than 2 years since I have been back from Mexico and written a blog, but with some exciting new changes coming up in my life, I believe it is time to resurrect the old blog. I think the only traffic I get on my blog consists of myself and maybe someone living in Slovakia or some other far away country, but I enjoy having a record of my thoughts and being able to go back every once in a while and reminisce on all my past experiences

So I'm sure the question that my one blog reader in Slovakia is wondering now is what is the big change in my life that has caused me to re-enter the blog-o-sphere? Just in case the picture didn't give it away, it is that I am joining Teach for America to teach Middle School math in Las Vegas!!! After years of working and studying, I have finally reached my goal of becoming a teacher. There is part of me that is beyond excited and part of me that is scared out of my mind and wishes for the next 40 years I could just stay in my room and watch Netflix. There are going to be so many big changes coming up in the next few months that my brain has not stopped thinking and processing through the 16 different to-do lists I have. Despite the overwhelming amount of logistics that have to come together in the next months, I can't help but rejoice at the fact that God is working in my life. I know that taking this step is going to stretch me so far out of my comfort zone, the only thing I can do is rest in the fact that I am doing what I feel God has called me to do: teach in a low socio-economic school. The journey before me will be difficult, but I know that with faith the size of a mustard seed, I can move mountains.

3 month home-aversary

Today marks the three month point of returning home from Aguascalientes. It's surreal to think that three months ago today I was flying into LAX. It feels as if so much time has passed since then, but in reality I have only been home for the same amount of time I was gone for. In some aspects being home has gotten easier, but in other aspects it has gotten harder. As more time passes, my experiences in Mexico are becoming more of distant memories than they are real life experiences. But at the same time, there is something subtly different about being home that makes it feel odd, even a little uncomfortable. Even though I knew that reverse culture shock was going to be hard, I didn't know exactly what that would mean. Since coming home, there are so many things that frustrate me about our culture, but I think the biggest frustration has been with myself and how easily I adapted back into the materialistic consumerism of orange county. I don't understand how there can be people living with so much when there are people who live with so little, yet I am one of the ones who is living with so much and I take it for granted on a daily basis. I have felt that I am at a crossroads where I know God is asking me to do something, something more, but I'm not sure what. I've reached a point where it's time for me to grow up and become independent, but I'm really scared to. Really scared. I know that God is the great provider and he has plans to give me hope and a future, but what I don't know is why I am so scared to believe it, to trust that that is true. Taking that one step farther though, I think what truly scares me is the fact that I might miss out on the plans that God has for me, the calling that he has on my life. So even though I am scared to keep moving forward, I am more afraid of staying right where I am. And even though I don't know what that means or what that looks like, the only I thing i can do is put my hope in Him, trust in the promises of His Word, and seek him day by day and step by step.

1 Peter 5:7-11

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Home is where the heart is...

So it has been one week since I have gotten home and it still feels kind of surreal to be here, kind of like inception…a dream within a dream. They say that home is where the heart is, but now some of my heart is in Aguascalinetes, which has made coming "home" feel so different. Even though it is awesome to sleep in my own bed and hang out with my friends, it just doesn't feel the same. I never thought that coming back to a place that should feel so familiar and comforting could feel so strange and distant. As the excitement and adrenaline of coming home has been wearing off, it has left me with a lot to process and a lot to understand, which is quite overwhelming. As I think of all that I experienced in Mexico and everything that I learned, I know that I am not coming home the same person that I left. The reality of life in Aguascalientes was so different from the reality of life here, not just materialistically but spiritually too. The people there have so little, which allows them to rely on the Lord for so much; He truly is their provider, comforter, healer, and source of strength. But here we have everything we could ever need and then some, which serves as a constant distractor from God. Coming home has helped me to realize the extent of which my consumerism has distanced me from God and has caused me to be so self-centered, which means now I have to answer the so what questions. So now that I have seen these two different realities, what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do live out my faith and the changes that have taken place in my life? What am I going to do about the burden that is in my heart for the people in Pocitos living with so little? What is going to change in my life as a result of these past three months? As I think about these questions I get frustrated and overwhelmed, because I don’t know the answers. I know that as I continue to readjust to being home, some of these things will reveal themselves in due time, but others will require the active and continuous pursuit of the Lord and His will. I know that all I can do is take things one day at a time and continue to cast my burdens on Him, because He cares for me (Peter 5:7). I know that as I continue to pursue the Lord, He will direct my path and will give me the wisdom and understanding that I need in order to process the things that I have learned, I guess some of these things are just easier said than done.

Top 10...

So while in the process of packing my bags to come home I made a list of the top 10 things I will miss about being in Mexico. It seems so unreal that three months has gone by so quickly. It feels like only a few days ago I was packing my bags to come here. Within the span of three months there has been a lot of changes that have taken place. I know there are changes that have taken place at home that I don’t know about, so it’s going to be weird arriving back there. But at the same time, there have been a lot of changes that have taken place within my life. Even though change is hard, I am thankful for the ways that I have learned and grown from these changes and for all of the memories that they helped me make.

10. Going to the Casita- I will miss driving up to the church and having there be a group of kids who run up to the car asking a million questions all at once. ¿Que vamos a hacer? ¿Trajiste tu balon? ¿Me das una pulsera? ¿Tienes crayolas? ¿Vamos a dibjuar? ¿Que trajiste?

9. Thursday night prayer meetings- I will miss seeing everyone from the church gather together to pray while all the kids play outside on Thursday nights.

8. Tuesday night bible studies- I will miss seeing everyone from the church gather together to study God’s word on Tuesday night and I will miss the various activities I got do with the kids such as playing hide and go seek, drawing, doing crafts, and just hanging out.

7. Soccer- I will miss playing soccer with the niños in the church yard.

6. The neighborhood- I will miss going on walks around the neighborhood where I lived in the afternoon. I will also miss the tiendita, which had almost anything you could possibly ever need, and the carniceria, which had the most friendly butchers I have ever met.

5. Sunday School- I will miss getting to work alongside the teachers with the kids on Sunday and doing memory verses, Bible stories, crafts, and games with them.

4. Monday night fun nights- I will miss getting together every Monday for fun nights with my teammates. Each fun night was unique and fun in its own special way.

3. Conversation Partners - I will miss practicing my Spanish with the kids from the music school that is right down the street. We had a lot of fun together and lots of great conversations.

2. La comida- enough said.

1. The people- I will miss all of the wonderful people that I met very much: everyone in the church, all the kids in the neighborhood, my teammates, and all the kids from the music school. I am so thankful for the relationships I formed as a result of this trip and I look forward to seeing the ways the Lord will use these relationships for his Glory.

This weekend marked my last main events here in Aguascalientes. On Saturday we had the children's outreach that I had been planning called Festiniños. The theme of the afternoon was a birthday party for Jesus complete with a piñata and birthday cake. We targeted a specific group of children who live in an area called the Monte, which is a dirt section of the Pocitos neighborhood. There ended up being over 100 children in attendance and everything went really well, gloria a Dios! The very first event of the afternoon was a Pastorela, which is a little play in which the members of the church acted out the story of Jesus' birth. The Pastorela was one of the things that I was most nervous about, but everything worked out well and the kids loved it because when we had finished they began shouting "otra, otra, otra!". After the Pastorela there were station rotations of versículo de memoria (memory verse), manualidad (craft), and juego (game). Following the station rotations we had a piñata and as the grand finale of the afternoon there was a birthday cake (costco's sheet cake specialty, of course). I had been very nervous about all the logistics of the event coming together, but it was amazing to see how God took care of all the little details in a very big way. Even though there were more children in attendance than I had planned for, we didn't run out of supplies. We even had enough cake, which was a miracle because it didn't seem like there was going to be enough as we kept cutting the pieces smaller and smaller but there was still a never ending line of kids waiting. God even provided wonderful weather for us because the winds held off for most of the afternoon and there wasn't a dust storm until the very end. Looking back on the experience it was so humbling to see the ways that the Lord worked to put this event together and I am so grateful for the opportunity to have been a part of it. Sunday was also a big day as it marked my last church service here in Aguascalientes. I was able to work with the kids one last time and we had a lot of fun playing games and doing crafts together. I was also able to give a brief testimony during the service in which I shared some words of gratitude. I explained how even though I am going back to California it is going to feel weird because I have a home in Aguascalientes too. I thanked them for accepting me into their family and making me feel so welcome. It was a time of happiness about everything that has happened within the past three months, but also a time of sadness knowing that it has come to an end.

Now that the big weekend is over and everything is said and done, it feels a little bittersweet. I am very excited to come home, but it’s also going to be hard to leave Aguascalientes. It’s kind of like that feeling of eagerly waiting and waiting for Christmas to get here, but then once it's over you always feel a little sad. But I still have five days left here, so I am going to make sure that I make the most out of those five days. It's just like Dr. Seuss said, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

Si tuvieras fe...

Within the last few weeks the Lord has really been working in my heart to refocus my faith. He has been challenging me with understanding what it means to have faith and what it means to live out that faith. Having grown up in the church, I have learned all the Sunday school answers for what faith is. I know that “faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of this not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). I know that “without faith it is impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:16). I know that “if you have faith the size of a mustard seed…nothing will be impossible for you” (Matthew 17:20). But I have come to realize that even with knowing all of these things, over the years my faith has become subjected to my feelings. Even though I know God’s word is true and that he keeps all of the promises he makes, my faith begins to waiver as soon my feelings don’t align with God’s word. When I don’t feel as if God is with me, I begin to question Him and ask why He has forsaken me, even though He promises “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”(Hebrews 13:5). But recently the Lord has been speaking directly to my heart about limiting my faith based on my feelings, because faith is not a feeling. Faith is taking God at His word, because the “word of the Lord stands forever” and is truer than any feeling I could ever feel (I Peter 1:25).

Being in Aguascalientes has helped me to grow in my faith in tremendous ways because I have been learning what it means to take God at his word, despite whatever feelings may be telling me otherwise. I have learned that Gods faithfulness does not waiver with my fleeting emotions and that His promises are true no matter how I may be feeling. And to that I can only say, gracias a Dios. As my time in Aguascalientes continues, I look forward to keeping the faith, because in John 14: 12 Jesus promises “Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” So with faith the size of a mustard seed, I look forward to seeing the great works that will be done through His power and the mountains that will be moved for His glory.

There was no way I could pass up the irony of posting this on my blog. "I couldn't have said it better...without...myself"

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