understellar_star

I'm kind of a little obssessed with everything really and I'm here for fun so here I am

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

An intro to this blog

Nothing here is really anything serious it's more whatever comes to my mind

I become a little obsessed with a lot of things really

Tori Spring supremacy

And I'm really just blogging for fun

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

every time I do it I feel worse and worse about myself. I promise I'm not trying to be like this, I want to stop so desperately but it just starts and I don't know how to stop it. I'm sorry

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

i think i might fail maths tomorrow and maybe even bio but i don't really know. i'm trying to prepare for bio but i just suddenly can't and i've never been good at math

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

i feel horrible. i so desperately just need a day off

i deserve

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

poem (not really, i just seriously need to rememberd what I forgot)

i am alive

i am breathing

i feel like i have forgotten something extremely important

i deserve nothing

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

sometimes it gets to a point where I'm like what the actual fuck is going on. Like life has completely flipped upside down and now I'm just expected to do shit i don't want to but I have to because you want to? like who the actual fuck says that and to add onto that, i'll get shit if i don't do it but you're also not understanding how completely irrelevant to my life it is to do this. driving an hour to sit outside and laugh at things that i don't find funny is actual hell only to come back after and pass out for the most uncomfortable night of sleep known to man

the only good thing about becoming an adult seems like the little more freedom you get. i can run away and i'm tired of acting like that's not exactly what i'm trying to do so yeah, fuck this

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

i think it just goes really dark. like nothing feels fully real and then there's only one solution

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

i swear I'm trying to quit, i really am but it's so fucking hard when it only makes me feel better even if just for a moment. it feels amazing every time but i really am trying to end it

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

it's actually quiet disgusting how normal ai has become. i'm not saying that people should be thinking for themselves and ai is lazy or whatever but jesus dude, you can do it yourself.

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

let's see how long i can go ignoring calls. i am going to die

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

i really don't think i can do this anymore. like i really feel done.

i'm failing classes, so much is happening with family and my relationships with some of them are shit, i feel like i'm trapped in a cycle and it's so hard to get out of it. i don't want to become an addict or fall into that kind of person. but there's always so much to think about like uni and career choices and i can't do that when i can't get through a week without hating the fact that i'm here but i know i wouldn't survive if i end up in a life that wouldn't make me happy. i know i wouldn't make it. but i don't even know if i'm happy now. i'm having a hard time remembering so many things and it feels like my body's shutting down on me. i feel like everything's closing in and i can't even breath.

i don't even know anymore. i can't do this.

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

hate is a strong word. but it's the only word. i want to

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

i feel disgusting. baically a ot og the time, like. really bad.

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

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[allneverknowingdustandgas]

confessional (but like...not religious?)

so firstly. i feel so unmotivated to work hard in school. it's not burnout i think. it's just that my mind's having trouble finding the point in doing all of this when i don't even have a greater goal that i'm working to. like rn my biggest motivation is leaving home and that's kind of it. i don't have a dream career. i don't have a dream university or college. i'm actually just kind of existing at this point and i didn't realise what that entailed until it hit me that i really do just exist and i'm trying to find things that make existing more worthwhile but like i don't know if even those things are worthwhile

secondly. bro i'm so fucked for exams. major exams are coming up and i'm not even like...concerned? like that doesn't happen. it shouldn't happen. and i'm scared that i'll fail and i don't want to resit all of these tests but at the same time i could really not care any less? like what the actual fuck is this?????

thirdly. i don't even know what i want out of this life. like sometimes i think i could disappear tomorrow and have no regrets and then other times i'll think about shit i'd want to do in the future and hits me that like oh shit...i have to be here for all of those things. life is fucking insane

fourthly. FUCK IT ALL. I'LL RUN AWAY AND LIVE IN A NEW YORK APARTMENT WITH A BOY WITH BRIGHT RED HAIR AND WE'RE GOING TO BE LIKE PLATONICALLY INTERTWINED BY FATE ITSELF. FUCK LIFE AND RUN AWAY. THE PATH AHEAD HOLDS AN ADVENTURE or it's just disappointing but what the hell

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

i really do feel like i'm asking for a lot right now but please, please, please let them go well

[allneverknowingdustandgas]

i'm putting this out into the universe

If I can get this one thing back then my soul will be eternally grateful