confessional (but like...not religious?)
so firstly. i feel so unmotivated to work hard in school. it's not burnout i think. it's just that my mind's having trouble finding the point in doing all of this when i don't even have a greater goal that i'm working to. like rn my biggest motivation is leaving home and that's kind of it. i don't have a dream career. i don't have a dream university or college. i'm actually just kind of existing at this point and i didn't realise what that entailed until it hit me that i really do just exist and i'm trying to find things that make existing more worthwhile but like i don't know if even those things are worthwhile
secondly. bro i'm so fucked for exams. major exams are coming up and i'm not even like...concerned? like that doesn't happen. it shouldn't happen. and i'm scared that i'll fail and i don't want to resit all of these tests but at the same time i could really not care any less? like what the actual fuck is this?????
thirdly. i don't even know what i want out of this life. like sometimes i think i could disappear tomorrow and have no regrets and then other times i'll think about shit i'd want to do in the future and hits me that like oh shit...i have to be here for all of those things. life is fucking insane
fourthly. FUCK IT ALL. I'LL RUN AWAY AND LIVE IN A NEW YORK APARTMENT WITH A BOY WITH BRIGHT RED HAIR AND WE'RE GOING TO BE LIKE PLATONICALLY INTERTWINED BY FATE ITSELF. FUCK LIFE AND RUN AWAY. THE PATH AHEAD HOLDS AN ADVENTURE or it's just disappointing but what the hell