allosexist nonsense

[allosexistnonsense]

welcome to this is allosexism.

this blog is inspired by @this-is-exorsexism, and it's here for aces & aros to have a space to talk about allosexism, as well as to raise awareness about it as it's not well recognised even within the queer community.

who is welcome on this blog?

generally, everyone is welcome to follow, comment, ask questions etc. please keep in mind that this is an aro/ace centered space though. aces & aros are welcome to vent about allosexism on this blog, so if you're allo and decide to be on this blog, you might see something that makes you feel uncomfortable. if you're allo and you have allosexism to submit, you can do so. if anyone isn't sure whether something counts as allosexism or not, just submit it anyway, as chances are that it is. please note that this is not an advice blog.

how does this work?

easy. you can submit any instance of allosexism as either a question or a post and i will post it with the words "this is allosexism". i may elaborate further on why something is allosexist.

what is allosexism?

allosexism is the idea that alloromanticism and allosexuality are superior orientations. it's a belief system which excludes and stigmatises aromantic and asexual people. this includes allonormativity, i.e. the idea that everyone is or eventually will be allosexual/alloromantic and that those are the default, as well as outright hostility against aros & aces.

a note on bigotry

since this blog is already centred around a form of bigotry, a "no bigotry" rule doesn't make sense. however, there will be a limit on how bigotry is allowed. anyone coming on this blog being allosexist rather than just talking about it will be blocked. bigotry other than allosexism is only permitted if it's related to the instance of allosexism (because intersectionality matters). bigotry against allosexists is not allowed.

here are some examples:

okay submission: "someone said asexuals are crazy" (directly quoting the bigotry, highlighting the intersection between allosexism and saneism)

not okay submission: "someone said asexuals don't belong in the queer community. they're crazy" (the saneism isn't directly related to the allosexism but rather used against the allosexist, and we cannot fight bigotry with bigotry)

[allosexistnonsense]

more asexual allyship, less "why do people hate asexuals? they're not doing anything, lol"

[allosexistnonsense]

i hope the "true love only comes from romantic attraction" people never ever have children because apparently the options are a) not loving your kids or b) being romantically attracted to kids. these people are fucked up. to so openly say that you will never be able to love your kids, your family, your friends, your pets is wild.

[allosexistnonsense]

so i was reading "no fats, no fems" by max hovey and i had to put it down because considering it was a queer book, there was quite a bit of misinformation.

such as using sex-positive, sex-neutral and sex-negative when he meant sex-favourable, sex-indifferent and sex-averse/repulsed. like, did you work with asexual people? or did you just include a section about asexuality to cover your bases because it's a book about queer diversity, but you couldn't be bothered to have someone proofread it? this is something a lot of allos get wrong but aces explain this literally all the time.

[allosexistnonsense]

today is pan visibility day and a good reminder that not all pan people fall under pansexual or panromantic. other pan people exist, today is for all pan people.

[allosexistnonsense]

accepting aros and aces in the queer community must also mean accepting that the attraction we might feel is different from the allo mainstream, that if we have other orientations like lesbian, pan, het, bi etc., they might be defined by attraction types other than romantic or sexual, or may not specify attraction type at all, that were accepted into bi+/gay communities even if our attraction doesn't follow the allo norm.

accepting aces is more than accepting we feel little to no sexual attraction and "well, they wanna date x gender so they're fine". accepting aros is more than accepting we feel little to no romantic attraction and "well, they wanna fuck x gender, so they're fine".

accepting aros and aces also means accepting us into bi+ and gay communities if we identify as such, even if our attraction isn't about dating or fucking, even if our attraction isn't action-driven, even if our attraction is vague, hypothetical or hard to define, even if sexual and romantic attraction aren't present at all.

aro/ace inclusion is more than just welcoming us into the general queer community, it's also welcoming us into orientation subcommunities we might be part of.

ultimately truly accepting us into the queer community means dismantling allonormativity.

[aceandaropolls]

[open to all aspecs] since both the aro polls and the general aspec polls account are inactive*, should i expand this blog to also include polls about aromanticism?

yes

no

Voting ended onMay 9

*if anyone knows of an aro or aspec polls blog that is still active, send me their way.

[aceandaropolls]

just over a day left on this poll!

[aceandaropolls]

[open to all aspecs] since both the aro polls and the general aspec polls account are inactive*, should i expand this blog to also include polls about aromanticism?

yes

no

Voting ended onMay 9

*if anyone knows of an aro or aspec polls blog that is still active, send me their way.

[aceandaropolls]

just over a day left on this poll!

[aceandaropolls]

[open to all aspecs] since both the aro polls and the general aspec polls account are inactive*, should i expand this blog to also include polls about aromanticism?

yes

no

Voting ended onMay 9

*if anyone knows of an aro or aspec polls blog that is still active, send me their way.

[themaveriqueagenda]

so, as a bi aro/ace maverique, i have noticed and talked at length about how exorsexism, allosexism & monosexism all work in similar ways because it's ultimately oppression based on not fitting into an established binary of gender and/or orientation.

and i'm wondering if intersex people have noticed commonalities between intersexism and any of these other things. i'm perisex so i obviously can't speak on that, but intersex people are oppressed by the idea of a sex binary.

i'm asking this because i feel like it would be useful to have a word for these kinds of queer oppressions that are based on binaries simply because they are so similar in how they function, and because we need solidarity between all these groups. (we need solidarity between all queer people obviously, but as groups constantly erased and silenced by binaries, we need to have it especially, because it doesn't make sense for e.g. a pan person to tear down an aro with rhetoric that often also gets used against pan people).

and obviously i don't just wanna create a word without any input of a group that may also be affected.

[allosexistnonsense]

I was joking around in a Valentine’s gift exchange chat with a guy and he accidentally committed a microagression (basically "Romance is always the main plot if you're cool"). I called this out, he was apologetic, I accepted because he didn't do it on purpose, life goes on.

10 minutes later, some other member swooped in and began PRAISING THE OBVIOUS MICROAGGRESSION??? Like I know it's a Valentine’s Day gift exchange for shipping so it was bound to be bad but for fuck's sake, there would've been a giant Arospec flag on the same screen no matter what platform you were on while replying.

this is allosexism.

[allosexistnonsense]

hi. i'm a disabled enby who needs top surgery but can't work. dysphoria is actively ruining my life & i could use your support.

ways to support me:

donate to my GFM: https://gofund.me/3d2e4ed4e

buy from my shop: https://freakshop-2.creator-spring.com

subscribe to my pod: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/misfitmedia/subscribe

i can also do random little things like digital drawing, mediocre audio/video editing, transcribing, doing some english/german translations.

please share 💜

[allosexistnonsense]

if you want to make a difference for a trans ace this IAD, please consider donating to or sharing my top surgery fund 💜 https://gofund.me/7d14c4374

https://gofund.me/7d14c437

[allosexistnonsense]

this is allosexism.

why are we pitting aces and lesbians against each other? especially considering there are people who are ace AND lesbian?

what magical ace place are you in where asexuality is so well known for it to be headcanoned that often? because it sure as hell is not the mainstream.

"blame" is a very strange word to use with either lesbianism or asexuality.

the reason this happens is because a lack of interest in men isn't the defining feature of lesbianism, an interest in women is. if a female character shows no interested in men but doesn't show interest in women either, it's not that far-fetched to headcanon her as ace (or aro). she could be ace, a lesbian in denial or even wlnb, but you don't even see that as a valid option. assuming a lack of attraction to men from a woman can only mean lesbianism and suggesting anything else is wrong is allonormative. you very clearly still see allo as the default. and funnily enough these are usually the same people who will see a female character show interest in both women and men and still disregard her interest in men to insist she can't be anything but lesbian. it's almost like you keep shifting the goalpost to uphold your precious gay/straight orientation binary.

if you really found that magical place where everyone headcanons these characters as ace, how come you haven't found the people who headcanon them as ace lesbians? because i assure you they do exist. elsa from frozen is probably the most well-known example where many headcanon her as an ace lesbian, an aro lesbian or an aroace lesbian.

bonus points because i'm 95% sure when they said "asexuality" they were also including aromanticism as these people so often do.

[allosexistnonsense]

using "cishet" as the opposite of queer is allosexist* no matter how you twist it.

either you think asexuality and aromanticism aren't queer by themselves and think aces and aros who are cis and het don't count or you think asexuality and aromanticism cancel out any other attraction someone may have.

"well, aces/aros aren't cishet because het means heterosexual AND heteroromantic" isn't the aspec-friendly take you think it is. you're still not seeing aces and aros in their entirety. being heteroromantic without being heterosexual and being heterosexual without being heteroromantic and being a het oriented aroace all count as "het" unless you think aromanticism and asexuality override everything else. it's directly contributing to aspec exclusion in other queer communities. "you're not lesbian/gay/bi/etc. if you're not sexually AND romantically attracted to x" is still used against aros and aces today and it doesn't become more okay when you do it to het aces and aros. it's giving "aspec people aren't really x orientation because they're missing something". nope. we're not doing this. also the focus on sexual and romantic attraction only is also allosexist. *stares in neither sexually nor romantically bi but still bi nonetheless*

it's a very lazy excuse to justify not having to change your language to be actually inclusive and not a literal remnant of ace discourse.

*it's also intersexist because intersex people can indeed be both cisgender and het.

[allosexistnonsense]

the idea that being sex- or romance-favourable while experiencing no sexual or romantic attraction at all automatically makes you grey.

it goes directly against long-standing community definitions that describe black stripe asexuality and green stripe aromanticism as experiencing no sexual or romantic attraction respectively, regardless of your sex or romance stance.

defining black stripe asexuality as "doesn't want to have sex ever" and green stripe aromanticism as "doesn't want a romantic relationship ever" directly stem from trying to make these identities palatable and understandable to allos. they don't serve our communities and actively erase ace and aro history.

if you don't experience any sexual or romantic attraction while being sex- or romance-favourable and you feel like a grey identity fits you better, that's completely valid! but it doesn't erase the existence of favourable black stripe aces and green stripe aros.

as someone who is a somewhat favourable black stripe ace AND a demiromantic, i can tell you that being favourable while not experiencing any attraction actually feels VERY different from being grey in terms of attraction.

gatekeeping black stripe asexuality and green stripe aromanticism to only be for repulsed, averse and maybe indifferent people is nothing but allosexism. (and so is gatekeeping grey identities from being ace or aro.) it's watering down our identities to action only, to something that allos will surely understand, while ignoring the main defining factor.

[allosexistnonsense]

please stop saying "asexual" when you mean "nonsexual". a relationship without sex is not an "asexual relationship". not only does this imply that allosexuals who don't have sex are suddenly asexual, it also perpetuates the misconception than asexual always means nonsexual. it's like you still refuse to understand asexuality, still think it's about action rather than attraction.

the ace community doesn't really use the phrase "asexual relationship" much, but if we use it at all, we use it for a relationship where at least one party is ace, a relationship affected by aceness, REGARDLESS of whether sex happens or not. but of course those same people wouldn't understand how a relationship can be both sexual and affected by someone's aceness. oh well.

you can't just randomly apply the word asexual just because it sounds vaguely right without thinking at all about what you're saying. especially when there's a different option that is perfectly clear.

stuff like this is exactly why the ace community moved away from calling allosexuals "sexuals", because we know that aces can be sexual and allos can be nonsexual. allo people, now do the same with nonsexual and asexual.