Screechy Peach

I press my lips to your holy temple And I say I crash into things in the dark Even when the lights are on

[pansexual-lilychen]

[skajador]

[skajador]

YALL REALLY DO BRING THIS BACK EVERY SEPTEMBER

[guiltiest-gear]

I just noticed that September is spelled wrong

[the-eternal-loading-screen]

it’s the 17th of august

[ecosmowarrior]

happy august 17th get ready to spring your jorts back into jants

[cannibalgender]

i'm begging tumblr users who couldn't name an evil woman to read the locked tomb because in just a short list of the insane amount of characters in these books there is (out of context spoilers ahead)

butch who's never experienced any affection so she becomes willing to do anything to be needed including becoming a fascist regime's specialest little boy

200 dead babies, trying to justify killing 200 babies to make her by brutally suppressing any weakness or vulnerability in herself

the incest twins from every problematic 2000s anime played entirely straight as to how fucked up both of them would be

woman who has a baby for the purpose of bashing its head against a rock and using its blood to kill 9 planets occupied with people

girl who lied to her boybestfriend, who shares her body, about his existence kind of eating her soul so they won't have to be apart

weapon with which to kill 9 planets filled with people, representative of 10 billion dead people and unceasing rage. Who looks like Barbie.

woman who stole g-d's sperm

woman who used her boybestfriend's body to fuck genocidal baby mama without said boybestfriend's knowledge (he was also fucking her)

cancer patient using her make a wish to kill g-d

[sandmandaddy69]

[faeriekit]

The "I just pretended I belong here and no one has noticed so far that I'm not supposed to be here" fics are hysterical to me. If someone pretended to be my cousin and showed up in my house they would absolutely get my inattentive ass.

[redflagshipwriter]

Reblog if this would work on you (definitely would for me! I don't even know how many great aunts and uncles I have much less their names, except for the really atrocious ones like the guy who stole from the cemetery)

[redflagshipwriter]

I forgot to elaborate on the Uncle who stole from the cemetery. For reference, he stole ground from the cemetery.

I don't mean he like, dug holes and took dirt out for gardening or witchcraft.

I mean that he took down the cemetery fence and reinstalled it further into the cemetery, and then he plowed and planted corn in his new extra space. Because he owned the field in the next plot over and he thought that space was going to waste without any corn in it.

And people weren't quite sure but wasn't the cemetery larger, before? It seemed that it was. Did the field next door get larger? Outrageous, you can't just casually ask someone if they moved the fence and planted corn in the cemetery property line if you're not certain, you'd sound nuts.

And by the time anyone confronted him about this, well... What are you going to do? Unplant the corn? Where's the property line? He certainly doesn't know. Is the volunteer cemetery board going to send out a surveyor?

My Uncle said there weren't any bodies there. Well. Technically he said, "no one was using that space anyway," and I want that to mean there were no bodies there. But who knows! Now no one, my Uncle has passed away and the crime rate is probably down quite a bit. I hope the organizations that were suing him throughout my childhood got whatever they needed back from his estate. That man could steal anything. He stole water by the bucket. I mean this literally. If it wasn't nailed down, it was going home with him. If it was nailed down, he had a claw hammer to take it and the nail home.

[faeriekit]

Thank you for coming back with an explanation. This is an aspiration to some aggressive neighbor somewhere, I'm certain.

[likeadevils]

u can pry my Special Capitalizations and random periods for like. dramatic effect away from my cold dead hands

[lakevida]

closure isnt real they made that shit up for tv and movie

[hangsawoman]

'do it badly' but if i do it badly i'll hate myself ....... have you considered tgat

[thepromiscuousfinger]

[wizardarchetypes]

thinkin about last summer when I flew to meet my friend in the city & was in my low-stim, no-fuss summer airport biker shorts+t-shirt combo, and when I got there I realized she upgraded me to first class to surprise me! noticed I was dressed down compared to the other passengers around me, but I thought, who cares? It's a flight. But when I landed, I was greeted by another surprise, a personal driver. like in a fancy car and a suit. and I was like ha, well now I'm a lil' self conscious about my outfit but who cares?

so the driver takes me to our hotel, and as soon as we pull up I know I'm cooked. A bellhop comes to greet me (with a little hat to match his uniform and everything) and he takes my luggage and leads me into the hotel, where an Actual, live string quaret is playing in the dining room as we pass by on our way to the lobby. there are sculptures on display, on loan from an art museum. And I get to the room and I look at my friend, who is wearing a beautiful dress and beaming. And I say, "perhaps....a short text about the dresscode....."

Because this is the very outfit I was wearing while the bellhop escorted me past the live cello music.

She said, "I wanted it to be a surprise."

And to be fair, I think that the fact I was wearing socks with crocs in a hotel with a live string quartet demonstrated that I was, indeed, surprised.

Anyway now whenever my friends plan outings & we want to know if it's fancy, we say, "is this a Fishin' is Life situation?"

[wizardarchetypes]

later, I decided to take a nap while my friends went out for drinks. I forgot to put the "do not disturb" tab on the door, and the hotel staff thought we were all out. I woke up in the dark to a man in my room, and, half asleep, I yelled, "WHO ARE YOU!" He was just as startled by me as I was by him, so all he did was squeak, "strawberries?!" Which of course meant nothing to me and I said, "No!" and he said, "Sorry" and scrambled out of the room. About as soon as he closed the door behind him, my brain finished coming back online. I turned on the lights, and saw he had delivered champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries.

So I put on my crocs and I went to the desk and asked for him so I could personally apologize for yelling at him in confused terror. Wearing my Fishin is Life Shirt, obviously. He thought it was very funny, which was good, or else I couldn't have ever gone back to that entire city if I'm honest.

[dandy-daisylion]

every time someone says ‘oh, you knit? do you like it?’ i have the marrow-deep urge to tenderly take their face in my hands and press my lips to their eyelids and telepathically transmit the full overwhelming awareness that i carry just beneath my skin every moment of every day of how important fiber crafts and textiles are and historically have been to humanity. every stitch i work is a thousand billion stitches that have already been worked and will be worked in the future, from the farthest reaches of prehistory until time immemorial. every spindle i spin is spun with the same flick of uncountable fingers from ages past, all united across history in the deceptively simple movement that has shaped history, and art, is the context within which every single person on earth has ever lived their life and lives their lives still. everything from our phones to our homes is given shape and form by the overlooked but utterly important textile arts.

‘of fucking course i like knitting, you jackass,’ i say gently. ‘i wouldn’t do it otherwise.’

[catchymemes]

[theautumnaldemon]

*inhales*

*gently sets phone on counter*

*walks away*

comes back with a sledgehammer*

*breaks phone*

[mybigfatgaylife]

I, on the other hand, immediately hit the reblog button.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

part of sunak's tour is in northern ireland.... the part of the uk where labour and tories don't stand for election. Literally Why.

I absolutely guarantee you he Did Not Know

[themalhambird]

After Sunak was campaigning in Wimbledon (where the Tories apparently have no chance) a Political Commentator on YouTube that I follow has floated the theory that Sunak is campaigning in places where speaking to people isn't going to cost the Tories anything because the Tories were never gonna win there even before personally encountering Sunak. ...this would seem to lend credence to Phil's theory

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

That is legitimately one of the issues they have with Jacob Rees Mogg, actually - he's banned from canvassing in any ward he stands in, because people who meet him hate him so much that even if they were planning on voting Tory before, they swap to something else after five minutes with him.

[jakeperalta]

very sexy of joe alwyn to have the eyes of millions of prying swifties on him for months and to only ever be like "btw you should care about gaza"

[justangrymacaroni]

knitting tutorial made by a twenty-something knitting influencer: 18 min long, 12 of those minutes being the intro and a sponsor plug, they show the first few steps of the tutorial at the slowest speed known to man, they show the most important steps at a neck-break speed, they stop every five seconds to talk about what they just did, 40,000 comments filled with questions ranging from insightful to “how do i knit”, filmed with a camera that costs more than a car, the tutorial is incorrect.

knitting tutorial made by a seventy-something grandmother: two min long, filmed 17 years ago, shows you what you want with the skilled patient hands of a beloved deity, made with the world’s shittiest camera, the best video on the fucking internet, four comments and 30 views, you lose the video and never find it again.

[bedknees]

[higgsbison]

happy glorious 25th of may