Trying to be the hero of his own movie

Hi there. The name's Aaron, RSN: Whiscash. Got any questions? Shoot em my way. Have a wonderful day..

[alonelydalek]

Ah man

Hello again. Maybe I should keep a log here more consistently, not just when I feel the need to blog about my latest emotional breakdowns, but alas. 

Speaking of breakdowns, I just had another one. Yes, yet another breakdown. Sucks doesn’t it? One thought leads to the next, and the next, and the next... and the next. Before you know it, you’re in a pool of your own tears and snot pouring your heart out to anyone who will listen.

I don’t do well when people leave, or even the perception of it. I never have, and I never will. I’ve started going to church of my own accord, and joined the base honor guard, but the challenges of neither of those pales in comparison to challenges of the heart. Whether it’s carrying caskets for a detail, or in this case, grieving because that one special person will soon no longer be someone you see consistently, the heart is a fragile thing, and it is very easily broken.

I’m not ready for her to leave. I don’t think I ever will be. In the 2.5 months I’ve been there, her beaming smile, her somewhat-awkwardly-yet-cute demeanor and mannerisms, and her love of life, have been the pinnacle of my life as of late; she’s been the highlight of the past few months. 

Have I told her? Hahahahaha. What do you think? 

Aaron, you’re an idiot.

And yet, you’re writing this instead of telling her how special she is to you. Why? Maybe it’s your history of falling too deeply for someone too quickly, despite usually discerning pretty quickly whether or not would be someone to whom you would give your heart. Maybe it’s thinking you don’t deserve happiness with all your flaws, believing that nobody would love you if they knew everything about you, flaws, mannerisms, what makes you tick, and so much more. Honestly, you’re scared, nay, terrified of her reaction. We’ve known each other for less than 3 months. Logically, that’s not long enough for really discern whether or not someone is a good fit in your life and in your heart. She may think you’re a weirdo (ok, a bigger weirdo) or she may think you’re a dork. She may think you’re feeling these feelings too quickly and too deeply. She’s very guarded, remember? You don’t want to slam her with something like that while she’s in the middle of a life transition. You don’t want her to put her life on hold just because you don’t want her to leave; you yourself believe that it wouldn’t be in her best interest to do it. You’re learning to believe that God put this in motion for a reason, and that maybe, just maybe, He’s paving the way for something beautiful to build between you two.

And yet...

[alonelydalek]

It’s been a while, Tumblr

Wow. I didn’t think I’d be posting here again for a while actually. So, hey hi hello. I know this is a dream record, but I thought I may as well post my thoughts here so they don’t boil up inside and kill me slowly. :D

So, it’s 30 minutes until New Years, 2018. A lot has happened over the past year or so. Namely, joining the Air Force, buying my first car, and general adulating. Here I am in my dorm on NYE. Alone. Not out, enjoying life. Just sat here literally chilling in my room while everybody lives their lives and has fun. 

It sucks.

It really fucking sucks. Granted, there are probably drunk drivers out, but regardless, the holidays are a rough time for me.

Home is no longer home to me. Ever since my stepmom and I had our falling out, I don’t feel as if I can go to her and dad’s home and actually feel welcome. I feel this looming sense of obligation that I can never shake. She and I still interact as if we picked up right where we left off. I still felt the necessity to dodge her whenever I could just to get food. I still cannot bring myself to willingly interact with her unless dad is there as a mediator. Subconsciously I still believe that she thinks of me as beneath her. The gripping fear that I’ve been without since I joined the service came back in one fell swoop and persisted for the duration of my stay there. That same gripping fear that resulted in a long and painful major depressive period still haunts me to this day, and I’m afraid I may never get over it, not until I truly feel welcome, though I feel that may never happen.

And so, I packed my stuff and left without a word. (Had I been under 18, I guess the term would’ve been “ran away.” Even though I’m now 23, I still in a sense consider it as such.)

I called up my ex, with whom I’m still good friends and I actually lived, and she and her brother picked up me without a word of protest, realizing the situation I was in. I stayed with her family for the remainder of my trip, and was instantly and infinitely happier. We had been wanting to see each other for a while now, and our chance finally came.

So, why do I feel this guilt in leaving my parents without a goodbye? No words, no hug. Nothing. Dad was at work, Jennifer was upstairs doing whatever it was she does. Nobody knew I left. I guess in my mind, I imagine my stepmom asking me if I wanted some of whatever dish she made, and walking into a completely empty room. No clothes, no bags, no Aaron. I imagine her calling dad and saying I must’ve left to go to a friend’s house. I imagine the pain on dad’s normally-stoic face after I tell him that I’m not coming back home. I imagine dad crying in his bedroom at the eventual realization that his son, his airman, of whom he is so proud and loves in his own way, left without a single word; no hug; no gift; no note; nothing. Not a damn thing. Thinking about it hurts more than I thought it ever would. 

Enter my New Years pain. Our family is no longer a family. It’s people of the same bloodline tolerating each other whenever we decide to talk to each other. Dad is home with Jennifer, whom I can’t be around without having whatever sense of self-worth I have left sapped out of me just by being in her vicinity. Rossi is in France with his boyfriend. Mom is in Memphis, which is a relatively short drive, but I as well cannot be around her for long. Too much Jesus. She means well, but I can only handle her in doses. Mike is (probably? Hopefully) safe in Colorado with his beautiful family. Me? I’m sitting in my dorm typing out my feelings, the shattered, broken, tearful remains of a reclusive man who never really knew just how important (or not) he is to those around him. A man who never truly learned what it was like growing up with an actual family, who carries that burden and that deficit along with him wherever he goes, be it with family or friends, that lack of connection that taints every conversation he’s ever had.

A man who carries life’s heaviest burden on a daily basis: existence.

It’s now 12:00AM, 1 Jan 2018. 

(Happy?) New Year

[alonelydalek]

Containment.

[alonelydalek]

It’s been way too long, Tumblr.

[alonelydalek]

Might as well give me the "wants to date but nobody is over their ex" title.

[defeater-rs]

Weeeoo! I’ve just gotten around to posting this, but I finally spammed my alt’s max and my main finishing off all 120s! It’s a relief to be done :D

[alonelydalek]

You fuck. Grats tho

[alonelydalek]

Last night I had a dream in which a few of my coworkers/friends and I were heading from our workplace (chick Fil a) to an unknown location. One of these friends is one of my closest friends who is also engaged. While on the way, our backseat was crowded so I let her sit on my lap facing me. Then, I kissed her. Passionately and aggressively. My pent-up sexual energy started to leak out and, shortly thereafter, I woke up. In reality, she knows that if it weren't for the ring on her finger, I'd have asked her on a date since the literal day I met her. Currently, it's just a slightly romantic attraction, bred naturally from my nigh-obsession with punkish nerdy redheads, so it should only be natural that a dream would occur right? Sadly, herein lies the problem. My attraction to her is starting to become tangible, and my fear is that I'll lose control, not in a rape sort of way, but even something as seemingly harmless as being overly affectionate. I know her fiancé makes her happy and she him, so I want to help preserve that as much as I possibly can because I treasure we more than life itself. However, I'm scared that my impulse will overtake that protection and care for even a moment. I mean, I'd never intentionally sabotage someone's happiness in favour of my own, especially one of my best friend's. Right?

[araxyte]

2 Wands in 6 kills ayy, 118m split

[alonelydalek]

Just saw this but ayyy my nigga Matt

[justtumblythings]

Source:

This fictional advertising campaign is a dystopian take on a future with room only for those able to afford their own body parts. The campaign idea and the products have all been designed and illustrated by Chantal Sherif, with art direction from Tarek Abdelkawi.  

I used olympic athletes as an inspiration and a metaphor for physical superiority in the posters, and I translated sports and movements into organs.

[letsforget6973]

Selfie for u but can someone please help me find out what item you should disassemble for enhancing components besides slayer rings because I can’t smith them!!! Thank you!!!! Almost 99 ay.

[alonelydalek]

Dragon bracelets.

[alonelydalek]

KISUKES BANKAI OMFG YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[alonelydalek]

ASKIN'S VOLLSTANDIG OMFGFGFFFGGF YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[jijmkosoiajiowa-deactivated2016]

I really need to get my hair cut again. 😧

[alonelydalek]

aww but I like how it is now!

[fuckyeahcomicsbaby]

It’s a never ending struggle, fight on OC!

[calebshoney]

Okay so this is basically how this works. 

[4gifs]

[jamesisrambling-deactivated2014]

Biggest Nope I’ve Seen To Date

“Did you just catch that?”

I like that the batter actually looks impressed

I see this come across my dash one every three months or so and it still amazes me.

[meighan-rs-deactivated20160503]

@yewgandars I thought you might like this :)

[yewgandars-deactivated20170725]

If I had a vitalis for every time I’ve seen this 4Head

[alonelydalek]

L0000000L

[trixibelle-rs]

~ gonna start streaming this week ~ 🐒🎊

[alonelydalek]

what’s your twitch name? I’ll follow!

[jayreyez]

As some of you may know, I’ve been contemplating and procrastinating about joining. But with a lot of motivation from my friends and family, I have finally gone through to enlist. After a long process (which wasn’t that bad), as of today, I’ve sworn into the United States Navy. My father sworn me in and it’s something that I’ll remember forever.

That rate that I decided to go with is Gas Turbine Systems Technician (Mechanical) (GSM). It’s something I’ve drawn an interest to and I’m ready to learn about it and put everything to the test. I’ll be going in as an E3 and my ship out date is May 24th.

The feeling is so surreal and I’m still having a hard time believe that I finally made it and it’ll only get better from here.