just forget the world

Mel | she/her | I write to make myself feel better

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

Oddity

Feeling dettached from everyone 

I'm alone in my little corner of the world 

Thinking I've found the one who understands 

While he was just keeping the seat warm

So why do I insist in building

A home for two?

When instead I should be nesting 

My haven foolproof

But I still try, to not feel so alone

Why do I need someone to get it?

Isn't me getting it enough?

Why do I build these insane expectations?

Just to see them crash and burn

The flames are so hot they scorch me

And the ache leaves an ugly scar behind 

My heart is so patched up

That it doesn't look whole anymore

I search only for my own company

Because it's way harder to feel

A heart next to mine

That is so out of beat

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

Lining in

Sometimes i feel

Like i'm always lining in

From a cold night in the dark

To the bright warm Christmas lights

Pressing my cheeks to the window

The glass fogging up

As the cold air cuts my lungs

Seeing the kind gathering inside

The food layed out

The laughter resounding

Feeling that pang in my chest

As i watch their overwhelming happinness

I distance myself from the pretty picture

Wondering

Will they see me out here in the cold?

Will they invite me in?

And in that lingering feeling i hover

Wanting so bad to be inside

And at the same time

Preferring being outside in the dark

Rather than in the warm house

With the warm words

And kind souls

Knowing irrevocably then

That the cold seeping my bones

Chattering my teeth

Is not from the freezing night

But instead from my cold, hard heart

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

Absence

In nights like this

I feel your absence

Ironically like a presence beside me

The loneliness has never been my enemy

I've always loved the dark

The deep silence of the night

How it envolves you

Protects you in its own way

The silence of minds dreaming

And peaceful breaths of resting people

There's a quietness

Like the world just stopped for a little

And I can finally take a breath

Take my time to think and rethink

Without the harshness of the daylight

Or the ever pressing pulse of the time passing by

But then once in a while

The melancholy aches in my heart

And it makes it impossible to ignore you

The you-sized hole in my bed

The you-sound of your laughter that i can no longer hear

I try to quiet the voice that keeps asking where are you

That hasn't give up just yet

And insists in looking for you

In every little detail

In every corner of my room

My life, my mind, my heart

And of course it always finds you

But never in the former

Always in the latter

Achingly always in the latter

And in all the others

It's forever distinguishable the spaces you left empty when you left

[cozzzyblu-deactivated20200225]

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

Lost, inevitably not found

In your eyes i see

The craving for something more

A feeling just beneath the surface

Dormant but still so alive

That burns in your eyes

Making them sparkle

But you never seem to find it

That utterly moreness to life

Your whole body begs for it

And the day to day

The routine

The waking up

The obligations

The responsibilities

The need of the carnal body

To be anchored on earth

And its animalistic like urges

It bothers you to no end

Having to attend to the terrenal needs

When you much rather be

Aloft, in the mysteries of the universe

Up in the metaphores

And purely minded thoughts

A world made of theory

The profound search of oneself

The craving of depth

The kind that makes you drown

But the water filling your lungs

Cleanse them in its way

Making you part of the underwater world

Beyond terrenal

Beyond carnal

Beyond animalistic

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

Breathe, fish

Sometimes I feel

Like a fish in the sea

That remembers a past life

Where it had walked on earth

And breathed the sweet air

That it doesn't quite understand

What it's like to swim

So it drowns in the water

Even though it's its natural habitat

And where it should thrive

Longing for something that it never had

And it never could have

But still, it remembers

It remembers how is like to run

Feel the soil under your feet

And the drum of your heart beating

Pumping the blood through your veins

Making you feel

Alive, alive, alive

How it is like

To lay on the soft grass

That is not quite wet

And is not dry either

But instead a strange damp in between

How is like to

Feel the wind on your face

As it whispers a goodbye in your ear

And at the same time welcomes you

In a soft murmur that cannot be unheard

How it plays with your hair

Untaming it, making you feel wild

And that's what you most recall,

The wilderness of it all

The otherness of it all

But you also remember

Another memory of the water

That you now live in

Feeling it lapping at your waist

The waves dancing with you

In an intrincate ritual

The foam feeling funny on your toes

You can't reconcile

Those two wildly different knowings

The one you recall

And the one you know to be real

So you spend your whole life as a fish

Swimming not knowing how

Wanting to find a life

That resembles the life on earth

Knowing full well you never will

Wanting to at least experience the water

Like you know it can be

But never quite making it so

So there you are

Drowning in the one place

That should be natural

Drowning but never dying

Because that's where you belong

But oh, how you yearn for earth

Oh, how you yearn for air

Even though that is the only thing

That would, at last, kill you

[slk-t]

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

But then I wake up

I dream about

Falling asleep to the sound of your voice

Closing my eyes listening

The lull of your words

Washing over me

Then dream of you

You would smile at me

In my dreamscape

Where we are always side by side

And I can hear your laughter

See that tilt of your mouth

When you find something I said funny

Feel your breath in my ear

As you tell me in sweet detail

All the things we could do

When is late at night

There, every single thing

Would be about you

And how sometimes I would feel the love

Bursting at the seams of my heart

And then waking up

And you being the first thing I see

As soon as my eyes crack open

Hearing first the sound of your breathing

Feeling the weight of your arm

Settled around me

Cuddling me in

And the dream upon dream upon dream

All with your face, name and eyes

What a place to live

Makes me want to never wake up

[medicinal-music-deactivated2021]

communication is so damn sexy

busy for the day, but you hit me with a “i love you, but i need to do some work today, so I wont reply for a while” message? mmmm sext!!

gonna be distant for a while because of something personal, but took the time to send me a “dont worry it’s not about you but i need some personal time rn” text? ill be looking at wedding rings, while you get yourself where you need to be!!

basically, you don’t need grand gestures or to be present and available 24/7 to relay to someone that they are wildly important to you… you just need considerate fractions of moments and communication.

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

You never know

I watch you from afar

Tracing your every step

Always my starry eyes following you

I seem to communicate with them

Even when I'm trying my best to be nonchalant

I crave the minute your eyes will meet mine

The moment you smile or laugh

And the way you hold yourself

Every part of you speaks to me

In an ancient language I have long forgotten

It ignites a flame deep in my soul

A spark that refuses to go

But when I get to talk to you

I can't find the spark in yours

And even though I try

I never happen to see your eyes following me

The same way mine devour your every move

I tell myself

That doesn't mean a thing

My eyes can keep craving you

Doing the heavy lifting of screaming my silent feelings

But it gets me,

How you don't seem to notice

And when we are side by side

There's no fire in me either

None that can be seen at least

It breaks my heart you will never get to see me

The real me

The one that ponders and is sarcastic and kind of funny sometimes

Even kind of crazy but in the good way

You will never laugh at the weird stuff I say

Or think the way I get when I'm mad is cute

You will never hug me from behind just because

You will never know that I'm touchy and I love lying on you

You will never know that on some nights I wake up

And when I see you next to me I smile a secret smile

You will never get it

What is like to be us

But still my eyes follow you

And still my heart beats to your every smirk

So notice me,

So watch me from afar,

So love me silently

Like I do

[pftones3482]

Shades of Blue

For @azure-mirror, just because. Kind of based off of @marchingspace‘s Synesthesia AU (found here). Everything I know about Synesthesia comes from books and wikipedia. Put under a cut to save space. 

Colors. There were too many colors. His lion was red, always red, but today she was a softer red, like she knew, like she was trying to calm him down, like she could sense the pounding sensation in his forehead. Maybe she could. Keith didn’t know how the lions worked, not really. Maybe they could read their thoughts, knew their emotions, could adjust to help their paladins. That would be nice.

Pidge was bright, too bright sometimes, their voice sliding between octaves of lime and emerald and forest that made Keith’s headache worse. They didn’t mean to, he knew that.

Hunk was warmer, easier to be around unless he got excited. His autumn color switched then, from the fall yellow of maple leaves to the brightness of the sun. It hurt Keith’s eyes. It made him wonder if Hunk had always been yellow, or if he only was because of his lion.

If all of them were because of their lions.

But they weren’t, because Shiro was brown when he spoke. He was cinnamon when he commanded them, chocolate when he was scared. Sometimes it was almost black, but brown wasn’t usually too vibrant for Keith. He liked being around Shiro because he was calm, because he was brown.

Coran was good too, unless he was excited. He was an orange that made Keith think of leaf piles and pumpkins, but if he got too ecstatic over something he became the ugly orange of a traffic cone. Allura was a mixture of pinks and purples and reds, her voice like honeysuckle flowers and warmth. But she was too many colors for Keith, constantly fluctuating.

And Lance…

“Keith?”

Seguir leyendo

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

It's weird writing in another language because it doesn't matter how well you might know it you almost always find yourself out of words.

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

Isn't it all so

Meaningless

Isn't it all so

Scary

Isn't it all so

Powerful

Isn't all so

Emotional

Shouldn't it all be

Peaceful

Shouldn't it all be

Loveful

Shouldn't we all try

Pondering

Shouldn't we all try

Self love

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

Sometimes i just don't get how the world works. I don't understand friendship, or love or relationships. I look around and everything is a big puzzle that i can't seem to quite figure out. And the clues are right there. I feel them almost like they had eyes and stared at me. Why don't you notice us, they say. I look, i swear i do, but i never catch them. It seems like i'm surrounded by a colourful confusing swirl of images and odors, and i'm suposed to make a meaning out of it. I never achieve it, though. I keep spinning, trying to catch it all, so much that i get dizzy and i have to sit down for a while. I look down at my intertwined hands, feeling miserable and still confused. Because what does it all mean? I just don't know. But i guess i'll stand up again, trying to understand it once again. Even if it makes me dizzy. Even if i never get it.

[alonewithmydarkthoughts]

Thinking of you

I wake up next to you

You turn around and give me a sleepy smile

Burrowing yourself in me

Giving me a soft kiss

Just as you keep on sleeping

I lie there having this ridiculous grin

Tugging at the ends of my lips

I feel like i'm floating

You make me feel like floating

I put my arms around you

Hugging you tight

And whispering sweet nothings in your ear

Time to time i feel you rumble and grunt incoherences

I listen to every single sound you make

Like it's the secret to uncovering the truth of the universe

And i guess it is

Uncovering the truth of you

I watch you sleep

Hearing you breathe

Feeling your chest rise and fall against me

Tell me all your secrets

I want to tell you

Tell me everything there is to know

And at the same time

Let your whole world for me to deveal

Detail to beautiful detail

Every word that you ever thought of

Every idea that has ever crossed your mind

Leave it all for me to see

We are lying in bed

But we might as well be lost

In the unending universe

Surrounded by stars

The moonlight casted upon us

You are still sleeping peacefully

And i wonder if you know

That holding you feels like nothing else will ever matter like this

And while you lay on top of me

I promise you i will keep you safe

Protecting the fragile heart that you gave me

Treasuring it like it was my own

Always beside me

You seem to rise from your slumber

And i anxiously wait for your eyes to open

For that precious moment

When our eyes meet

And i see yours soften around the edges

Giving me that lazy smile

And asking me

What were you thinking of

And i answer like i always do

Just thinking of you