The retrospectives are getting less frequent... I'm sure you're aware. Perhaps this is the last one. You say that they keep rebutting your questions about what more they might have done with a claim of "confidentiality". Like: "We didn't do anything, we didn't share concerns with anyone effective after Average told us about her desperation, her desire for escape, her suicidal ideation and after she made her earlier resignation-into-unemployment because she was talking to us in confidence."
And, I have to come here one last time to explain what total bullshit that is.
First, I said nothing expressly in confidence. It's not my style. "...but you can't tell anyone" is something I almost never have found myself saying (it makes me cringe inside) and I certainly don't recall ever saying it about my private business.
OK. Here's the thing, they're managing a sleight of hand. They want you to think that they were peers or friends but also mentors and fiduciaries and that they have the benefit of each role depending on your accusation/question. That doesn't work. If anything, they have the duties of both and failed them both but they certainly don't have the protections of both roles. Let me explain what I mean.
One might suggest that a mentor is something like a priest, teacher or healthcare worker with a special duty of confidence. OK, maybe I'll buy that for a minute but, in that case, a mentor must have the duties of a priest, psychologist, teacher or healthcare worker. That is, a duty of pastoral care—a duty to try to alleviate or explain the burden of pain (literal or figurative) that prompted the confidence. That is a ball that cannot be dropped. Maybe the spiritual/mental/physical pain cannot be alleviated but a Doctor or Priest cannot ever say "Oh dear, what a shame—you're in agony--never mind!" There must be a prescription, a referral, a prayer...something! On the other hand, one might suggest that a friend or colleague, while likely to want to help, has no special duty to alleviate pain (being unqualified to do so), especially if it presents as a high-stakes, high-complexity problem. But, in that case, a friend or colleague cannot be placed under an implied or professional duty of confidence either and, one might argue, their most basic ethical obligation is to look for help elsewhere. In short, friend who hears (let us say) "I am feeling desperate and have acquired 100 packets of codeine" does not have a duty to bear that confidence alone and, in fact, may have an ordinary, non-professional duty to share it.
As to which category they fell into, I'm not sure. I once called R a mentor but I did so as a shorthand for strategic reasons during my first "shock" resgination, and the more accurate phrase, even then, would have been "self-appointed mentor". (Furthermore, any mentoring done would have been in a self-employed role, not an employed one.) K was not to my way of thinking ever any kind of mentor.* Ditto BB.
Anyway, mentors or not is not my point. My point is that they cannot be both—cannot be "counselors" and "not-counselors". And, anyway, in either case, how they actually responded was freakishly unethical and left field. I don't know how to explain what R and K said when I trotted them through my desperation—talked about utter hopelessness, figurative drowning, control, manipulation and, in R's case, about suicidal ideation—but I do know it was not on the spectrum of ethical responses.
I would call their response "cultish", and in alignment with every other conversation I ever had about my concerns, including (with a much lighter touch) with my own staff** and eventually with other Board members. The vibe was invariably a deadpan batting away, a smug smile and a sentiment along the lines: "here's to you Average, we love you more than you can know". (Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.) Snippet conversations included:
"But you know R loves you, right?" (staff).
"We'd like to keep you FOREVER" (R).
"But [B planning out your life] would be a good thing, right?" (K).
"Anxiety about death threats? Would an Executive Coach help?" (K and D).
"Anxiety about death threats? But what if you got run over by a bus?" (LT).
Those. Are. Not. Appropriate. Responses. From. Counselors. With. A. Duty. Of. Confidence. Or. Friends. Who. Know. They. Are. Out. Of. Their. Depth.
So, don't fall for their f*cking mind tricks, okay?