Sleep When You're Dead

Aislynn || Depression & Insomnia || don't ask how I am, I'll just say tired

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

i--dont--sleep‌:

Was that a pang of guilt. He had left home, his mom, had she taken hold of the girl as he should have done? She might have… Or had it been Aislynn that wouldn’t stop coming around in the hope of seeing him and Rose?  “Jeez you’re such a mom…” He said reaching into his pocket grabbing a new cigarette for himself, a quick count of the ones he had left. “Just don’t snitch me out to Sebastian, he would actually kill me..”

“Someone’s gotta look after your dumbass, right?” she nudged him with her elbow, taking a drag. “I literally haven’t even met him, but I’m tempted to find him just to see you squirm,” she half joked, letting the mischief shine through her hazel eyes.

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

lacyward‌:

Lacy’s smile only seemed to grow as Ainslynn spoke. of course she was a princess, Ainslyn said. of course. no doubt about it. it was just a fact. duh. the fact that it was obvious made it better.

“oh, okay!” no problem. if Ainslynn wasn’t hungry, Lacy wasn’t going to question it. sitting and coloring and watching a movie sounded delightful enough all on it’s own. “can i draw yous?”

“Draw me, huh? Alright, show me whatcha got,” Aislynn chimed, laying down on her belly next to Lacy. She hadn’t colored in years, probably not since middle school. Not to say she wasn’t involved heavily in her art programs in high school, but there was something so... youthful about coloring with crayons, something she felt her depression had stolen from her.

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

charlieswann‌:

“Aislynn since when do you sound like my mom?!” 

“Since I spent so much time with her the last couple months. Which is why I’ll be taking that,” she reaches over and grabs his cigarette, pulling it up her her own lips, “for me.”

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

charlieswann‌:

“I have no idea what you’re talking about~” The boy said as he looked up from his hiding place. Sitting against the wall surrounded by green bushes he actually thought no one would have found him. Even though he was not surprised that Aislynn would.

“Charlie, since when the fuck do you smoke?”

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

lacyward‌:

“i’m a princess?” lacy asked with a smile. she decided she liked being called a princess. yes, she liked that very much. it made her feel all happy on the inside.

and then ainslynn brought up snacks, and lacy got really excited. “skittles!” they were rainbow and perfect and she loved them. until she remembered: she had to IV nutrients right now. her eating often turned to her puking, due to the meds in her system. “no… can’t eat. but… you can has skittles.” she didn’t want to stop Ainslynn from getting happy-food, as Lacy called it. food eaten just to make you happy, like cookies or skittles.

“Of course you’re a princess, Lacy! That’s why you get the cool hat.” Aislynn smiled as warmly as she could, gesturing to her rainbow hat covering her bare head. It’s great that Lacy got to have some individualism, but sucked that she needed it.

She felt a twinge of guilt go straight to her stomach, killing any hunger she might have had. “Right, ‘cause of chair time. No foodies right now. Sorry, squirt, I kinda forgot. Don’t worry about me though, I ate earlier.” This was a total and complete lie, but Aislynn wasn’t about to go munching on some popcorn in front of a 5 year old who couldn’t. “Let’s just watch our movie and color, okay?”

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

“If those are what they think they are, you’re gonna have to give me one to keep my silence.”

@bhqstarter @charlieswann

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

lacyward‌:

“oooooh kayyyy….” she said it with a smile, totally okay with it and just shrugging it off. “I wanna watch…. um… tangled!” it took her a moment to pick between her favorite disney flicks, but she wanted one ainslynn was gonna like too. “she’s got long hair, just like you!” lacy loved the idea of magic hair.

“Princess movie for a princess. Sounds good to me, squirt,” Aislynn chimed back. She couldn’t imagine going through cancer treatments at such a young age as Lacy, especially staying as jubilant as the little girl seemed to stay. All she did was smile and bring light to everyone in the hospital, no matter how gray her day actually was. The least she could do for her was spend time with her and keep her mind off of ‘chair time.’

Right before hitting play, Aislynn swirled back on her heels to the rainbow clad lass, exclaiming, “How could I forget!! Snacks! We need snacks!”

[emmapxrter]

Should We Be Doing This? | Aislynn and Hannah

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

hannahbananamendez‌:

Hannah shivered. It was cold out. She wasn’t sure how they had snuck past the guard or got past the doors but here they were at the edge of the facility, so close to what felt like an impossible freedom. “Should we be doing this?” Hannah whispered, looking around. She was certainly athletic enough to be doing this but hadn’t had much experience with breaking the rules. She turned to the girl next to her, the mastermind behind the plan. “What happens if we get in trouble?”

It felt like it ages since Aislynn had caused a good ruckus, let alone had an accomplice for such mischief since she and Charlie had been apart. In a place like this, small acts of defiance felt like soaring through the sky. The rabble-rouser stood with her toes at the edge of the pool, staring into its clear serenity far after its closing this evening. Who didn’t love a good midnight skinny dip with someone you’d only just met?

“Trouble? Don’t you worry about trouble. You’re med, I’m psych. You could say I forced you up here and they’ll believe it,” she quipped at the doe eyed patient she’d dragged into this mess with her. There was a little fear in her stomach at the fear of getting caught; just how harsh was this place’s punishment structure? She almost couldn’t wait to find out. Clutching her towel, she nudged Hannah with her elbow. “Why, having second thoughts?” she winked at her swim buddy.

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

johnxkeyes‌:

John looked up at her. It was obvious she was lost for words but was it shyness or something else? He offered her a small smile, hoping he looked friendly enough despite his own head. “It’s alright.” He assured her. “You can sit if you like.”

Aislynn was never a runner. If a challenge knocked at her door, she loved to pull up her shirt sleeves and get ready for a fight; it was just her nature. Anxiety, however, always shook up her spirit and threw a wrench in that tenacity she toted so proudly. After depressive or anxious spells, her threshold for human interaction always plummeted through the floor. So why wasn’t this guy freaking her out? There was no pull to the door handle, no innate fear... maybe she was too tired to feel those things right now, or maybe, his fog was matching hers. She could see it, looking at him now: he was in the same place as her.

“...I, I guess I can for a bit,” she murmured, quietly slipping her way to the couch.

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

lacyward‌:

she nodded in confirmtion. “yeah, chair time.” she agreed with a smile. “I am?” she beamed brightly at being called brave. one of the bravest!  that made Lacy real happy. “sound good.” she decided. Miss Ainslynn was really nice. Lacy liked to spend time with her. so she was glad that she’d agreed to the movie choice.  “can you press the go button? an’ louden it up?”

What on earth was she doing, sitting here with a kid, willingly watching a movie? Aislynn was by no means a cold or bitter person, she just never related with kids or felt she had much of a knack for entertaining (or wrangling) them. If you asked her a year ago if she could sit through a movie with a literal child, she’d laugh her ass off, but with a kid so genuinely sweet as Lacy, going through so much so young... Every kid needs support, and something was yanking on Aislynn’s heart telling her she needed to provide that. “Alright, but not too loud, or the nurses’ll come yell at us. What do you wanna watch, squirt?”

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

icarianwinnie‌:

Winnie waited for a response, and couldn’t help but smile wider as she saw the smile on the other’s face. “Really? That’s too bad…. I think everyone could use a joke drenched with gooey and disgusting cheese every now and then.” 

“Y’know, I can really get behind that philosophy. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve met you yet. I’m Aislynn.”

[neckkiss]

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

but I’ll always love you, just the same

do I even know what the same is anymore?

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

charlieswann‌:

How long ago had it been that this hole in the middle of his heart was screaming into the abyss. Turning into a black hole that slowly swallowed everything he was and would ever be. How long ago had it been that Rose had been staring him right into his soul tear stained cheeks lingering at him. 

Long. Months. And even though he knew the hole was still there hiding. Waiting to devour him again. Sleeping monsters in the thick black fog in his mind, waiting to lash out at him again. He had always hoped he had conquered them. Had defeated the black beasts that tormented him for nights after night. Had hoped he had enough control over his own body, his own mental health, his own goddamn problems. He never had to see them again. He had left home for a reason. To leave, to take his problems and protect everyone he still loved for himself. 

For his behaviour. His tear stained cheeks. The sleep deprived zombie he used to be. He could see it in their eyes. That they were hurt because he was so goddamn hurt. His parents. His friends. Aislynn. Even when Rose had still be around, he had kept things for her. It didn’t work because she fucking knew how to get him to talk. But he tried. Tried to keep it a secret. So the girl wouldn’t worry about him. Even though she always would. He missed her. He missed her so goddamn much. Still scared he would one day forget the sound of her voice. The color of her eyes. 

As the girl broke down in front of him. He felt more guilty. She was crying because of his own selfish ass. He had left. He had fucking left. Even though he promised he never would have.  It took him five seconds of doubting before crossing the small space between them and wrapping the girl in his arms. 

“Never ever again~ I promise.”

It felt like eons, waiting for him to hold her. She held out hope with ever fiber of her being that he could feel her calling out to him, yearning for his arms around her again. As Charlie finally reached out and enveloped the small, broken frame of her body, Aislynn felt her sadness finally hit the bottom and shatter. Whatever container she had put it in to store it away from the light of day was gone, and now, now she could reel from the ache of losing Rose, of nearly losing Charlie, bathe herself in the agonies she had admonished from their formation. Now was the time to hurt, now was the time to feel, here, safe in her angel’s arms.

Oh, how she sobbed. Thinking back, Aislynn figured she hadn’t cried this much since Rose’s funeral. She couldn’t bear to let herself... she had to be the strong one, but in this moment, her face buried in his chest and her pain buried in the safety of his love, it was time to finally let herself mourn. No running. No escaping. There was no better way to face it than with the person she loved most.

“I love you, Angel,” she let slip in a muffled release, her words stuffed into the folds of his sweatshirt.

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

johnxkeyes‌:

@bhqstarter

John was having a bit of a down day. Emotionally, that is. He’d been up all night, his mind tormenting him with memories of his family. It was torture and he hadn’t been able to lift himself out of the fog when he’d had to get up and go about his day. He was sitting in some random empty room with the door open, skimming a book but not really taking in the words. His gaze lifted when he heard shuffling at the door and he realised he was no longer alone. “Sorry, did you want the room?”

People just proved to be too much, too soon today. She really thought she could do it. Aislynn thought she could come out of hiding after all these weeks and just dive back into the regularity of social interaction, but even so much as talking to a nurse about how she was feeling was giving her anxiety again. Too wired to sleep but too tired to keep this up, Aislynn ducked into the rec room trying to catch a break--but to no avail. “N-no, I’m sorry I was just... um...” Really bad time for the fog to start coming back and take away her words.

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

charlieswann‌:

“Y-You’re right…” She was so goddamn right. He- He shouldn’t even be standing there next to her. He should have let her be the moment he had seen her walk through the institute doors. The young male knows about every hiding spot in the place. He could have avoided her, continue studying and be out of this place before she even noticed he was still in here. Fuck. He swallowed away the tears. It wasn’t fair against her and towards himself. He had gotten them into this. Not her. 

But wasn’t that the main problem… He had cut her off. He had hurt her doing so. But he had done so to avoid hurting her in the first place. She had lost her best friend, and her other best friend as he walked away. But he knew that no matter what she would have lost them both. Charlie had gone mad without Rose. Seen his madness and it had scared the living shit out of him. So much he kept it a secret. Even for Aislynn. Rose had haunted him. Blamed him for not finding her sooner. She had whispered into his ears at night, during the day and especially when he saw their best friend ‘Her pain is your fault Charlie.’ He now knew it had been his own mind playing these sick games.  Aislynn had always been enough. Had always been the better of them. She dragged Rose down from the pedestal she used to stand on and would drag Charlie from the depts of which he thought he should live. 

“I- I never meant to hurt you Ais. I- I left to protect you from me. From- From the Rose that was following me around.” The Rose that wasn’t the Rose we knew. But my own goddamn guilt. “The biggest mistake I ever made was leaving you behind Ais~” Even with the millions of words and thoughts still lingering on his tongue. He cut himself off. Head turned down. Defeated. Re-broken. Just wanting to hug the other. Until it was all like old. Until wounds created by him were glued back together. Even though he fucking knew it didn’t work that way. And would understand if the other would walk away right now. “I- I will stay this time though~” He muttered so softly the other probably didn’t hear.

It’s everything she needed to hear. Right there, standing so close she could cup his tear stained cheek, he was saying everything she so anxiously needed to hear for the last 4 months. So, why wasn’t it stopping the pain?

He did it to protect her. God, that was so typical. Hard as she tried, Charlie never made it easy for her to help him, but she’d be damned if it ever stopped her from trying, until he actually physically disappeared on her. Her angel... in all his pain, he left her to protect her. He still wanted the best for her, and she was so... so selfish. He lost his sister, his twin sister, was haunted by her face and death, and he left her to keep her from getting hurt.

His words streaked down her face in wet trails from her eyes. There was so much pain here, on both sides. Maybe she didn’t do enough, this was her fault for not reaching out again, could she have reached him if she tried harder? Feeling the heat of her anger and the pangs of guilt crash against each other like a tsunami’s waves inside her was too much to feel after being numb for so long.

“I will stay this time though...”

Words fled her mind; horses running from the wildfire of self doubt now raging in her conscience. Everything she tried to say came out mumbled until words disintegrated to tears, tears dissolved to sobs, strength and rage dismissed and regret and sorrow left in their place. Head in her hands, she weepily pleaded,

“Pl-please never leave again.”

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

sloaneconnelly‌:

“If you come anywhere near me, I will throw up on your. Please, stop. I don’t care if you’re not doing anything just stop.” 

“Just bringing water... I’ll leave it on the table, I guess.”

[alwaysaislynn-blog]

charlieswann‌:

Charlie had taken some huge steps since he got in here. Huge steps into him being more mentally stable and healthy all together. But seeing the girl made tears in his new built wall. He didn’t blame her for it though. It was his own goddamn fault. His own fault for leaving home and leaving her.  He wished he had done shit differently. Wish he had trusted her from day one. If he had done that he might not have been in here. Neither had she. They would be each others rock to hold onto. They would have huddled together and slept to keep the nightmares away. Fuck~ The nights he had wished she would be beside him just to scare away the nightmares. He could have had that…

Her words were like a whip, leaving open wounds on his skin as she got up. He- He just didn’t know what to do. What to say. How he could make it alright again. If he was able to fix what he had broken… Even as she walked away the boy still frozen on the couch it took him too long to get back up. Feeling the ice cold eyes of Rose staring into the back of his head as he wouldn’t move. Running after her. Grabbing her wrist before she could take another corner. “A-Aislynn~” He said with a huge lump in his throat, eyes already filling up with tears. “I-I~” Another lump down his throat as he let go off her wrist, his head hanging low. Defeated. Broken. “I’m so fucking sorry for abandoning you Ais~”

Her skin felt like fire where Charlie’s hand had been. It was the first time she was truly conscious of him touching, skin to skin, since they’d reunited. It sparked an ache she never knew she could have, but more importantly desperately wished she didn’t have, deep in her heart. All she wanted was to reach out and grab him, to tell him it was okay and stroke his hair and keep him safe and steady; it’s all she’d wanted to do since Rose passed away... since Rose...

And there it was again, like fresh salt in a wound that never heals right. Every time, just when Aislynn wanted to drop all the pain and the resentment and move on, that pain, like a poisoned arrow, tore through her chest once more. How could he push her away after the death of someone so dear to both of them? Why did he isolate himself to the point of insanity? Was she not enough? If she wasn’t enough then, what made her think she could ever be enough now? The young woman didn’t even know where to start to describe the pain she’d gone through in the last couple of years, let alone the fucked up shit that had happened since he left. She could practically see the disappointment, the disgust that would harden on his face if she told Charlie of the partying, the binge drinking, the disappearing for days on end, the disassociation, the drugs, the unbridled attempts at escape she had made since he left her. He left her. All she wanted was him, and he left.

“Charlie stop, pl.. please stop. I can’t... I can’t do this. Not now, please,” she cried, feeling the numbness start to fade. 3 weeks she’d hidden from the pain in her room. 3 weeks she stared at the ceiling, stole cough syrup to get drunk, slept for 16 hours and then stayed awake for 40 straight trying to stop feeling, but seeing him hurt so badly for hurting her was throwing all that effort down the drain. “Y-you don’t get to make me hurt more, Charlie. It’s not fair. Please...”