Not Worth All This

✪ ɪɴᴅɪᴇ ʙᴜᴄᴋʏ ʙᴀʀɴᴇs ✪ ᴍᴄᴜ/sʟɪɢʜᴛ-616 ✪ ᴍᴜᴛᴜᴀʟꜱ ᴏɴʟʏ ✪ ᴇsᴛ. ᴊᴀɴ. 2018 ✪ ғᴏʟʟᴏᴡs ғʀᴏᴍ ᴘʟᴀʏᴇʀᴇɴᴛɪᴛʏ #ᴀʟᴡᴀʏsᴇɴᴅsɪɴᴀғɪɢʜᴛ ᴛʜʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴛʀᴀᴄᴋᴇʀ

[alwaysendsinafight]

Hi there!

This is a sideblog for an independent James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes. MCU/616 mixed canon but does mainly follow the MCU for convenience purposes. This blog is up to date with TF.ATWS and is not spoiler free. Spoilerly posts will be tagged both as FA.TWS Spoilers and TF.ATWS Spoilers (sans period on both).

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A Little Bit About How I Play Bucky

First and foremost this Bucky is bisexual. Always has been, always will be. He has also always been in love with Steve. Like that will always be in the case for him. I am always multi-ship with my muses, Bucky is no exception, but there is no need for build up when it comes to Steve with Bucky. He loved him, cared for him, and followed him to his death.

All this to say if you ship Stucky, I’m already there. No work needed from me. Bucky isn’t at all ashamed of his sexuality and he doesn’t shy away from it, just outside of Steve there is a need for him to not only trust another but to trust himself with others.

[alwaysendsinafight]

ofmenandsins​:

“I guess I’m a sucker for happier endings. I never had one. So, I thought I could help.”  He said shrugging his shoulders.  There was an amused smile on Tony’s face as he saw Bucky denying the obvious. Stark was very curious.  That was his biggest flaw. The fact he was brilliant made things even worse. He could easily connect the dots.

“Oh, my god. It’s a one sided thing. You never tell him because you were protecting him?”  He had an epiphany.  Then, he bit his lower lip knowing maybe he just said too much.  

“Well, I was thinking about doing a statue or maybe some medals for war veterans. I’m helping them with some prothesis I made for them and I’m going to donate”  He said with a wink. Then, he tilt his head to the right to observe Bucky better.

“I’m not a psychic, but I know Rogers likes you more than a friend, you know?”

“Can’t say I’ve ever had one myself.” he grumbles lowly. Of course Bucky was denying it. It was always better that way. He was better alone in that sense. It was better for everyone he stayed alone in that sense. The sniper knew he was too damaged for it to be good or healthy for the other party. He was still so much a work in progress. When Tony blurts that out, he gives him a look of ‘if you don’t drop it I’m gonna choke the shit out of you’.

Bucky doesn’t say anything, instead lets out a breath before touching the arm, fingers running over the metal. “I really think it should go in a museum or something, somewhere I never have to go so I never gotta see it again, besides I’m almost certain the Smithsonian might shit themselves if they got their hands on this.” The former assassin then lets out a slow sigh. He’d been so happy to change the subject, but it seems Stark was stuck on this.

“I don’t care.” he mutters. “It’s better for everyone that nothing ever goes anywhere....” Bucky retracts his hand from the detatched metal arm.

[alwaysendsinafight]

ofmenandsins​:

“Yeah, right!”  Tony said closing his left eye for a small second.  He had a great instinct for these kind of things. After all, he had managed not to build his empire only by designing great devices. He was great dealing with people. He had a sixth sense for these kind of things.

“The first part was good…You have a good poker face” He made a pause. “Yet, your speech pattern and your voice intonation betrayed you in the second part” He said as he kneel down besides him to observe him better. He tilt his head to the right with a victory smile on his face.

“Things are different nowadays. It’s not a sin you are into guys” He said as he crossed his legs. “Oh, come on. Don’t tell me a man like you is afraid of telling him what you feel?” He said as he tilt his head to the right. 

“Okay, wanna help you to get up?” He asked. “I’m asking before you go all Rambo on me” 

Bucky just glares daggers up at Tony, but it’s the only thing he lets show on his face. He wasn’t going to give Stark this, not by a long shot. “Oh my god...” he groans and lets his head drop back against the hard floor. “I don’t care what you think you’re picking up.” he grumbles. “I know it’s not!” he snaps. “I knew wasn’t wrong back then, it was just god damn dangerous, people got killed for that shit.” he says in a growl.

“I’m not afraid to say shit because there is nothing to say.” he says before he begins to get up. It takes a second but once he’s up, he takes a beat to get himself steady as he adjusts to the lack of a heavy weight on his body. He just mutters a low ‘shut up’ to Rambo comment.

“Why are you so stuck on this Stark?” he arms. At first he attempts to cross his arms, only to be reminded there currently isn’t another arm. Slowly, steadily he walks over to the arm on the table and just stares at it. It was his arm for 70 god damn years, and he despises it, he can see the blood in these creases and seams. “So... what are you going to do with this arm?” he asks, trying to change the subject. “I feel like... maybe I should donate it or something.”

[alwaysendsinafight]

ofmenandsins​:

“I am doing it for myself. I was willing to kill you with my bare hands before. Then, I understood you are just a victim like I was once…” He made a pause. It was a good thing he decided to change topics. 

“Please, it’s more than obvious you two..” He said visibly amused by Bucky’s behavior.  Either he was hiding everything pretty well or one of them was totally oblivious to the other one’s feelings. He turned around to observe the man and tried to figure out how to put those things in such a simple way.

“Okay, let’s start by the basics. If I understood well, you helped him and support him for several years when he was not fit for a job” He made a pause. “Second, you shared a room for many years when most of the men back then were practically married by fourteen” He said as he took a deep breath. “Third, he defied the army of the United States to look for you during war. Fourth, he was willing to let you beat the crap out of him or kill you, but he wasn’t willing to fight you back” He made a pause.

“Finally and most important, when you look at each other, your eyes turn into heart eyes just like in Japanese animation” He made a pause. “So, you two already do each other….if not, I am gladly to give you the little push you need, you know? I can be your cupid” 

“I mean... I get why you wanted to kill me, that was actually pretty smart.” he shrugs. “Sorry my sudden survival instinct kicked in when I started getting my memories back.” Bucky almost sounds serious. He sniffs loudly, rubbing his nose some before he looks off to the side.

It’s more than obvious.

Thank fuck for his world class poker face (or rather HYDRA had made a point to beat visible emotion out of him). He’d lie about his feelings till he was blue in the god damn face. When Tony starts in, he looks over him, studying him with a blank expression. “Tony... he’s my best friend, and we were all the other had.” he states simply. “And I was all he had, I’d never abandon him.” he shrugs.

Then Tony says that and balks a little. “Okay no, no we do not.” he holds up a finger. “And... not that it’s your business... we don’t, never have, and never will.” he sets his jaw, looking away again. Bucky saw himself as dirty, unclean; he’d only get his filth all over Steve and ruin him. He tries to walk over but all it results in is him losing his balance and fallen over again with a sharp ‘fuck!’ as he hits ground again.

[alwaysendsinafight]

ofmenandsins​:

“You know your hubby won’t be okay. He practically decided to go ballistic. Heck, you almost killed him when he tried to stop you…” He responded casually as he let the man rest on the floor for couple of minutes so he sent some robots to clean the mess the explosion had caused. When Bucky affirmed he could survive an explosion he stared at him for couple of seconds.

“Didn’t you just see what it just happened?” He asked the other man curiously. “Unless you are able to reassemble the pieces of you after an explosion, I would stay away from bombs” He commented as he contemplated for some seconds the options. Leaving the shoulder heal for some days wasn’t a bad idea. 

“Well, we can do that. It can help you to get more coordination and balanced.” He smiled at him. “Plus, you can rest in the tower. I would gladly offer you a place to stay so you can rest.” He told the other man as he offered him a hand to get up. 

Bucky blinks rapidly and mouths the word ‘hubby?’ with a confused expression on his face. “Wait why are you referring to Steve as my husband?” he asks incredulously. “Yeah yeah I saw, but I’ve actually been blown up a few times.” he waves his hand a little, as if it was such a casual thing, what HYDRA and the Red Room had done to him. The smattering of scars on his body wasn’t some coincidence. When he’s up on his feet he wobbles a bit. “Alright, then... a little time without an arm it is... I’m probably gonna fall over a few times...” he huffs. When Tony offers to put him up, he studies him. “Are you doing this for me or for Steve?” he asks. If Tony was doing it for Steve or at his behest he’d get it, but if Tony was doing it purely for him, he’d be a little more than confused.

Now he’s gonna circle back around the hubby comment. “Look there... there isn’t anything between Steve and me if that’s what you’re implying.” he looks away. Bucky had always been in love with Steve, but Steve was just... so good. He deserved someone way better than him, so he just kept his mouth shut, silently loving a man who was miles above him.

[alwaysendsinafight]

ofmenandsins​:

“Now, you are.  What you do will depend on you exclusively. So be smart and start taking care of yourself.  Rogers will die if something bad happens to you” He made a pause. “And to be honest, I’m not the kind of person who is comforting. I usually come in two flavors, sarcastic and smart” He said as he continued with the examination.

“Okay” He said as he looked into his eyes visibly surprised. “I guess that I most likely trigger something” He made a pause. “But see in this way. What can I do? I’m 5′5.  You are much stronger than I am .  I’m just a 170 pounds genius walking” He commented trying to make him laugh.

“Going back to the point” He made a pause. “Things need to be taken care of. The effectiveness of a device is based on how well you take care of it and constant research” He made a pause. “It’s the same with a person. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one will” He said as he decided to show the explosive he had on his arm.

“You were lucky.  The explosive would have made you bleed to death” He said as he examine what it remained of the dead carcass. 

Bucky just snorts at the ‘be smart and start taking care of yourself’, continuing to look off to the side. “Steve will be fine.” he sighs. At the ‘I come in two flavors’ comment, he looks at Tony with a quirked brow. He listens to Stark talk about himself and how to not see him as a threat. How does he explain every scientist who ever worked on him wasn’t much different from Tony in stature? So he just looks away again.

“That bug kid is smaller than both of us and he stopped my arm, Lang can go microscopic and punch someone across the room.” he decides that’s easier than what he’s really thinking. As Tony rambles about maintenance and this, that, and the other, but it means nothing to him. “I’m not a mechanic or whatever Stark.” he grumbles. “I never needed to know shit about that arm or anything, I...” he then looks over as the thing explodes, unfazed by the fact that that had been inside of him.

“I didn’t bleed to death when I fell from a train and had my armed ripped off.” he says absently. “I’d have been fine, I was made to take a beating.” he shrugs. He then looks up at Tony. After a beat he begins to push himself up with his remaining arm and sighs. “I think it would be better if I... maybe didn’t have an arm for a while... let my body... I dunno fix itself or something.” he then looks around for a way to try and maybe pull himself up onto his feet.

[alwaysendsinafight]

ofmenandsins​:

“And I can infer that you never took it off. Now, you know what I meant?” He commented with a knowing smile. There was a part of him that always gloated about being the smartest person in the room.  He took a chair and turned it around to sit more comfortably. He was patient enough to deal with Bucky and the fact he realized how fucked his previous situation was.

“Sure, take your time. I feel like I’m in a museum watching a one hundred six year old man laying on the floor of my workshop” He commented as he tilted his head to the right to observe him better.  “Mmm, a silicon cover can avoid the constant friction of the skin and the arm” He evaluated as he leaned down to examine the scar skin.

“I can make a model so you can change it everyday. The idea is to avoid the growth of bacteria there” He commented affably as he caressed the skin. “If you change it everyday, it would avoid possible infections and rashes” He commented as he continued examining the torso.

“Why would I?” he hisses. “I wasn’t allowed.” he deflates and closes his eyes. “If it was taken off, I was in the chair... sedated.” he closes his eyes tighter. He didn’t feel dizzy often, but that sudden weight removed from his body had sent him packing. This was also digging up a lot of shit that HYDRA had attempted to fry out of his brain. “Oh ha ha!” he snarks a bit. “A silicon cover?” he says in a scoff. “That sounds like a whole lot of trouble.”

Bucky just feels a disturbance and he opens his eyes, hand shooting up to grip at Tony’s wrist, stormy blue eyes staring the man down. He was still iffy about being touched. “Warning next time.” he huffs out before he leases the man’s wrist from the death grip he’d had it in. He then looks away from Tony, letting the man do what he needed to he guessed.

The sniper was used to people just touching him however they pleased without his consent. Now that he had control? Random touches could trigger him in the sense that he felt like he had to defend himself, protect himself from unwanted hands. It doesn’t help with the setting and the tone of him being here with Tony in his workshop. He’s quiet for a long moment before he closes his eyes again. “Sorry...” he murmurs lowly.

This was the part of his trauma he despised.

[alwaysendsinafight]

ofmenandsins​:

“What? You never stopped a second to think what that would cause to your body?” He said as he prepared a local anesthetic for Barnes to start working on his arm. Giving a minute for the drug to work on, he put on some latex gloves. It was more than obvious Stark felt quite confident manipulating metal. He was quick and efficient. He seemed to know instinctively how to remove the metal limb.

“Or they could have simply thought you were fucked beyond repair. So, what’s the point of killing you if they thought you were never going to recover?” He spoke as he took a look at the skin. A great part of it seemed to be too redden. The dermis seemed to be missing.  Stark took a box with antibiotics. He needed to give time for the skin to heal.

“And the most likely is that they had lost the remote control to activate it. I mean, eighty years is quite a lot” He said as he gave the arm to Jarvis. Who immediately took it behind a safety glass so it could retrieve the explosive. It didn’t take it long to the artificial intelligence to remove something that look like a black marble attached to a battery and a transmitter.

“Oh, there we go” He said as he Jarvis placed the explosive in a pig carcass.  “Want to explode it to see the mess?” He asked the other man affably.

“No.” he says point blank. “I’ve only been really in control of my own thoughts for the past few years so you know... they never wanted me to think about it... so I continued not to.” he shrugs. He doesn’t even flinch when he’s stuck with the needle. He’d been injected so many times over the last few decades. The arm is removed much quicker than he expected, and second those extra pounds are removed, the whole room shifts.

He only barely registers what Stark is saying while the man is looking at him before he literally loses his balance while standing still. In losing his balance Bucky just goes crashing to the ground with a loud thud. He groans a bit and just stares up at the ceiling. He really hoped Stark hadn’t been looking at anything important. “Can I just stay down here for a moment...” he mutters, rubbing his forehead. Bucky had always known the arm was heavy, but he didn’t really register till now.

The weight of the arm had deformed his spine a bit, and the skin never really got the full chance to heal up. “Uh... yeah... sure...” he looks over from his spot on the ground. “I was serious about laying on the ground for second... I... mmmmm” he lets his voice trail off as he sighs. He knew he’d probably fall over again if he stood up.

[alwaysendsinafight]

ofmenandsins​:

“Your arm is damaging your nerves and spine. It’s not considered a toxic metal per se but it is a heavy metal and it does have serious negative health effects. Titanium has the ability to affect lung function causing lung diseases such as pleural disease, it can cause chest pain with tightness, breathing difficulties, coughing, irritation of the skin or eyes. Not very fun stuff to experience. You are getting old, Barnes. You may start experiencing symptoms   ” He said as he showed him the last x-ray he got from Rogers from the last check up they gave Barnes.  “This thing weights forty pounds” He commented as he was explaining a problem to a kid who didn’t get it. “It was placed on you in 1940.  That’s more than eighty years” He commented as he walked to the counter to show what he made.  “This is Vibranium. It weights less than 75% than Titanium” He commented as he indicated Bucky to take his shirt off to start walking.

“Oh, and by the way. You must likely have an explosive inside it” He commented casually. 

The longer Stark rattles off, the wider his eyes get. Jesus just how hard had Tony studied his arm? What fucking files had he dug up? Even he didn’t give a shit about the finer details of this monstrosity that had been placed on him in lieu of the arm that had been ripped off in the fall. Then the x-ray is pulled out and he just mouths ‘what the fuck’. Everything Tony just rattled off didn’t even occur to Bucky, he was just so god damn used to it that none of what the avenger just said even registered with him anymore. Unfortunately, he’s obedient without thinking about it, so in one fluid motion his shirt is pulled off and set aside.

He looks off to the side with a huff as the heavily scarred tissue is exposed. “I really doubt it, there were dozens of moments that it could have been set off and it still hasn’t.” he murmurs. Honestly none of what Tony just said mattered, what mattered to Bucky was how much blood was soaked into the creases of this arm that they’d never been able to wash out... it was a mass grave he wore on his body, something he considered penance for all the evil he’d done.

[alwaysendsinafight]

ofmenandsins​:

starter call​

“JARVIS!!! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!! WE’LL BE BUSY ALL AFTERNOON REMOVING THIS PIECE OF CRAP FROM BARNES!”  He said making obvious reference to his old arm.

Bucky gets this sort of look of indignation on his face when his arm is called a piece of crap. That’s when he shifts his weight from one hip to the other and folds his arms. “Really?” he quirks a brow. “We’re calling it a piece of crap? It’s my arm thank you very much and last I checked it could punch you through a wall.” he says, bristling a little.

[alwaysendsinafight]

manofiiron​:

So much had happened over a short period of time. Nat was gone, Steve had left and wasn’t returning. Tony was adjusting to the way his body worked which was a little different to before. He was covered in scars and working and being the man he’d always been had become harder. But as far as Bucky was concerned he’d forgiven him long ago, perhaps he hadn’t said it out loud because there had never been a good moment but it was the past.

He regretted trying to kill him, but he’d seen red and couldn’t deny that at the time he had most definitely wanted him dead. But that was then and this was now. They’d been in bed together and Tony in his own little way was asking him to stay there. 

“ I will get your coffee and be right back. ”    Tony moved back to the kitchen, grabbed two mugs and poured one for them both. He moved back into the bedroom with both in one hand. Setting them onto the bedside table he climbed back onto the bed and then handed Bucky’s over to him.      “ This isn’t weird, is it? I don’t want to make it weird. ”     He probably should have thought of that before he’d slept with Bucky but at least Steve wasn’t here to kill him.

His arms are crossed against his chest, back to the headboard behind him.    “ You know.. just to get it out there. What happened before with the footage… I don’t blame you and I’m sorry I tried to kill you. I saw red. ”

It was difficult, living without the two people he’d known the longest. In truth he was probably looking for pieces of them in the ‘family’ they’d left behind. Tony... oddly held qualities from both of them, maybe that’s why he was here now, drawn to the avenger. It didn’t hurt that he was easy on the eyes either, in spite of the flaws he likely saw in himself after surviving the Infinity Stones.

Bucky never expected apologies or forgiveness. He was still struggling with the concept that he deserved anything like that, Hell, it was likely part of the reason all his ‘making amends’ kept falling flat till Sam put some sense into him.

“Al-Alright....” he says softly, nodding as he watches the other move out of the room. When Tony returned he’d be greeted by those deep blues; that for once didn’t seem to be calculating or sizing Tony up. Was this... was this what it felt like to be safe? Was that what this feeling was? He takes the mug in his organic hand, nodding graciously with a quiet ‘thank you’ before taking a sip.

“I... I don’t know if it is...” he says honestly. He’s quiet though when the other speaks again. The words surprise Bucky and he stares at Tony. He’s visibly open and vulnerable for a moment before you can almost see that mask slip over. “It’s okay...” his voice is quiet. “I’m.. actually used to it... " Bucky shrugs. Bucky takes a few more quiet sips of his coffee before transferring the mug to his metal hand. Then he reaches out to gently run the backs of his fingers against Tony’s bicep.

“You’re not... sore or anything, or more than what you usually would expect?” Bucky wasn’t Steve, but he was still stronger than the average human. So he wanted to make sure he hadn’t hurt Tony. He turns his hand over and runs his finger tips down and over Tony’s forearm, but stops at his wrist. Did he want to hold Tony’s hand? He did.... was that too intimate?

“Are you okay with me kissing you?”

God damn it Bucky.

[alwaysendsinafight]

@manofiiron contd.

So this was not where he expected to end up.  In the bed of a man who had once hated him so much he wanted to kill him. A man who had tried to kill him.

Bucky woke up to an existential crisis as it were. Did he allow the other so close because people wanting to kill him was just so commonplace for Bucky? That sure as shit wasn’t healthy. That and so many other thoughts, self examinations, were what began to swallow the sniper whole and it all came out in a ‘do you want me to go?’.

He had been ready to leave, turn around, and get the fuck out to let the other stew in assumed regret. Because the former sergeant didn’t assume stopping genocide together was a bonding moment, but clearly somewhere along the line Tony had dropped the grudge. Enough for that to happen. However, it’s the invitation to stay that shocks Bucky (and he really didn’t think he could be shocked by anything anymore).

“I....” he starts, looking around almost like he’s lost. Isn’t he though? He’s looked lost since the memorial for Nat. Since Steve leaving. Hell... lost is his new personality. “Um.... sure...” he nods quietly. Why does the idea of staying seem so damn comforting? Staying with Tony after the previous night.

Bucky doesn’t feel regret or confusion, the entire night made sense. Enough to make him want to stay.... to maybe even do it again. Or other things. “I um... I take it black.” he nods quietly.

[spunsugarmusings]

Send "Can I kiss you?" for my muse's reaction!

[angelprompts]

send my muse “please… please don’t go.” to see their reaction !

[boho-barbiess]

instagram: torigalushko

[pain-art]

☆  inspired by this and this   ☆

[hudsonmildred]

there was a man on the bridge, I knew him

[somebucky]

When Pierce says “Prep him” and “Then wipe him and start over”, I can’t get over Sebastian Stan’s acting. You can see the confusion and heartbreak in his face over Bucky knowing ‘the man on the bridge’. But what is worse is you can see pain, fear and sadness in his face because Bucky knows when Pierce says “Prep him”, and “Then wipe him and start over” that it is going to hurt, that he won’t remember. Because all he knows is not remembering. So that plus finding out he knows the man on the bridge makes this more difficult to bare for me. Sebastian Stan’s acting is incredible and these are reasons Bucky is my favorite.