always one-hundred

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

My boyfriends four year old stole my ring, after having been told not to touch it because I didn't want to lose it (he waited until I was at work to go back and grab it), and took it home to his moms to give it to her. When asked where he got it, he responded that he won it at Chuck E' Cheese. I'm not sure if I should approach him about it during his next visit after the ring is returned, as his mom says she already spoke to him about it. I don't want things to get stolen again in the future, especially my expensive items that I'm afraid his mom will pocket. How should I approach this situation?

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

I'm not officially a stepparent and won't be for a few years, but even still taking on that role of another parent figure in a child's life can be really rough at times. Especially when the mother is bipolar. I will never speak poorly of their mother in front of them, but when they're gone I'm usually full of complaints. Their mother made sure to take me out of the group discussions between her, my boyfriend, and her husband. That didn't bother me because, at the time, I didn't live with my boyfriend. It still doesn't bother me because they make plans so last minute as to when the boys are coming over that, with my work, it's hard for me to be involved in picking up and dropping off. But what bothers me is she is now complaining to my boyfriend, who is taking it to heart, that I'm "uninvolved" in her children's life by choice. Which is not true, I take care of them while their father is at work, and I treat them like family. She has admitted to me that she only sees me as uninvolved for one reason - I don't ask her questions about the kids when I have concerns. However, the thing is, I don't have concerns. The boys are typically so well-behaved that everything is fine, and when they aren't it can be fixed with a simple time out. The time there are concerns, their father is there. And the one time something was big enough to bring to her attention, her response was very dismissive as she argued with my boyfriend for even bringing it up to her. I swear, I just can't do enough right by her. And if I'm not doing enough right, she brings it up to my boyfriend who makes me feel like I don't do enough right by him either. It sometimes feels like there is no winning as a stepparent.

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

My boyfriend has this best friend who he went to high school with, she’s his first love (although they never dated, but the feeling was reciprocated), she lives hundreds of miles away but is always there when he needs someone to talk to. Which is fine. But this woman is so disapproving of our relationship without outright telling him that. She’s married and they treat each other like family now, so it’s unlikely she is still in love with him. But every time something big happens (like his kids moving two hours away and him feeling torn between moving with them or staying here, or us disagreeing on a timeline for us to have kids) her automatic response is to tell him to break up with me, and that I’m selfish and immature (even though I would always support him in anything, such as telling him I would support his decision to move). Her telling him to break up with me has happened three times in just this year alone - I’m not sure if she told him to do so last year or not. Thankfully he never listens to her as he’s seeking actual advice on how to get our relationship through the situation and not break us up.

I really don’t know why she does this. He says nothing but good things about me to her (yes, he sometimes vents about me too, but it happens). Many of his friends support us completely, but then there’s her. I’ve talked to him about it before, but her being his closest friend he doesn’t really like to hear my complaints or worries about her. I’m pretty sure she is uncomfortable with our relationship because I’m only a year older than her little sister who she has raised since their mother passed away. I’m not sure though. How should I approach this situation?

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

Why do we constantly look for people’s approval? I’m not talking about strangers, just people who we are close to. Why is my own happiness and approval not enough? Why am I so afraid of disappointing my family that I have let that fear make many of my choices in life? Recently I stopped letting that fear dictate my larger choices, although even just smaller choices like wearing a promise ring around family who disapproves of my relationship still are affected. But, at least I’m finally starting to make my own decisions, although there seems to be guilt that eats away at me when it becomes apparent that my family is still disappointed. 

The only thing I can really be thankful of in this case is that at least I don’t have it as hard as others, and for those who have it harder, I do wish it becomes easier for you.

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

Watching Little Einsteins with my boyfriends child, they need to find magic peanuts for the elephant.

Little Einsteins: What helps the elephant grow?

Child: Penis!

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

2. If you want to help him feel better, yoy can casually mention you support lgbtq+ people (he might not know you do), maybe mention with distase about bi/panphobia and how you hate it, things like that. He probably will need a moment to feel ok about everything and himself, and you can be a great support. It's way more likely he hasn't told you yet bc he is scared, than it'd be for him to say it bc you don't matter. Lot's love to you two 💙🌻

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. I have made it known to him that I support the lgbtq+ community in many conversations, and during some of those conversations I have pieced together that he is not straight. I’ve never made it known to him that I already figured he wasn’t straight, that’s just not something I push with people as it can be a sensitive subject. So maybe I shouldn’t be too hurt that he hasn’t come out to me since I already knew in the first place, I’m not sure.

I also talked to a close friend of his who told me that, ever since a relationship he had a few years ago, his girlfriend is always the last to be told something important, no matter what the subject is. Which has been a pattern in our relationship anyways. Regardless, I will attempt to casually mention that I support the lgbtq+ community in hopes that he will grow more comfortable in the idea of telling me his sexuality.

Again, thank you for the advice :).

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

So, my boyfriend came out as being pansexual. Not to me though, he hasn’t mentioned a word about it to me, which makes me feel.... Well, I’m not sure. I happened upon a conversation while on my computer (he uses my computer and tends to leave himself logged in to facebook. No, I was not snooping around, the conversation was popped up because he had just been talking to the person yesterday). He told the person it had been weighing on his chest and she’s open to other kinds of love which is why he was telling her. He told her that he had also told him best friend and one other person.... None of these people are me.

I don’t care about his sexuality, I love him regardless and don’t see how it should affect our relationship. What I do care about is the fact that he is obviously not comfortable speaking about it with me. Yes, yesterday was the first he spoke about it with anyone, but shouldn’t I have been one of those people? I always seem to be the last person he opens up to....

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

Family will be the people who are always there for you. When you fall, they are the people who should be there to catch you. But, that doesn’t mean they always know what’s best for you.

My mother’s family forced her to move in with a boyfriend, who later became my father, who turned out to be an abusive person. She has said before, had her family not forced her to move in with him she probably never would have married him. But, they thought it was best for her and her daughter (my sister) to go live with the man she had only been dating for a month or two. Up until he moved out of our household (I believe it was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year), we led pretty miserable lives due to him. All of this could have been avoided if her parents hadn’t thought they knew what was best for her.

Flash forward to just last year - I started dating my boyfriend and told my mother about him. She knew I didn’t want her meeting him until I knew the relationship was actually something that was serious. I was ready for her to meet him two-three months in to the relationship, however she began speaking bad of him and telling me that he was emotionally abusive. We had hit a bump in the road where we took a break in our relationship (he was suffering from serious depression and things got rough), but he didn’t want to stop talking to me altogether. She decided that by him not cutting off all communication with me during the break, that he was emotionally abusing me. She began telling all the other family members, who also hadn’t met him (most of them lived in Washington and Tennessee, we do not live there), and they began to wish that he would just pack up and move away from me. She started telling me that I needed to press charges against him on the grounds of harassment and abuse. Then, when him and I got back together, she started telling her friends and our relatives that she wished him dead. She believed with all her heart that he was wrong for me, based on our break (and honestly, the age gap had to do with her hating him too), and tried her hardest to make me feel so stressed about my relationship that I would break up with him myself. This put tension in her relationship with me, we were typically really close. We are close again, but I’m no longer living with her either. She did finally meet him about two months after all of that BS. She never apologized for the things she said, but she does like him now. When she knows he’s off of work, she will invite him with us to dinner during our day together. Or, he will invite her and she will accept. Things are better, but I still get angry when I think back on when she thought she knew best about my relationship. 

Side note: My sister is married and has been for about six years, I believe. She has two kids with her husband. My mother also hated him for YEARS. She never spoke of him like she did my boyfriend though, but she always wished my sister would leave him and also didn’t think he was right for her. It took her years to finally begin to like him and accept him as family. When it comes to our relationships, she tends to put herself in the middle of them for a while (not the entire time). She becomes afraid that they will turn out to be like my bio-dad, which is understandable. But she twists things and turns it into “abuse” and tells us that she knows best and we shouldn’t be with that person. The only SO she didn’t have a problem with was my brother’s most recent girlfriend, she ADORED her (cue my jealousy). Even after this girl cheated on my brother and they broke up, she’s only said a bad word about her once or twice. No where near the amount of bad words she has said about my boyfriend and brother-in-law.

Now, I’m not saying there are never any times that family does know best for you. There are times. But in a relationship, this is not always the case. Especially when they haven’t even met the partner. If you have been in a relationship for quite some time and your family knows them, but they have serious concerns about possible abuse, you should listen to them. I’m not saying to never listen to family. Just that this is a pattern for my mom, and in cases like this family does not always know best. But family will certainly always  be there for you (if they’re actually a good family...).

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

I moved out of my mothers home about six months ago. The first day I moved out, I spent the entire time crying. I wasn’t forced to move out, I didn’t feel like I absolutely needed to move out due to any safety reasons, my boyfriend and I had been discussing it for a few months. I knew moving out would be a really tough decision for me, my mom and I were, and still are, really close.

I make it a point to see my mother every week, I don’t think I could cope with not seeing her for a week just yet. A couple months ago, my boyfriend switched jobs and it completely changed his schedule and now we barely see each other. I do feel quite lonely some days, and some days I want to just go back to my mothers. Between work and college (and her sleep schedule) it’s hard to see her more than once a week and I look forward to the end of my semester when I can make more time for her. 

I don’t regret moving out of my mothers. There were many reasons for my doing so. Her and I get along much better now that I moved out. But I may grow to regret not spending as much time as I can with her, and I am scared of that. And I am scared of being alone, and the lonely days at my house make it worse.

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

A relationship should inspire you to be a better person. Not only for yourself, but for your significant other, you may not be the person they deserve but you can better yourself to become the person they deserve. Seeing my boyfriend’s actions inspires me to be a better person, the kind of person he deserves.

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

Anxiety fucking sucks. I know how someone feels about me, or that a situation turned out just fine. But then anxiety strikes and asks me “but what if they actually feel THIS way about you instead?” or “what if you didn’t do as well as you thought you did?” ... “You know what they said a year ago? They still feel that way today.” Seriously, just back the hell up. Really don’t need negative thoughts in my head when I know everything is okay, I really don’t want to be that needy person that needs constant reassurance when my anxiety surfaces. I want to be confident and self-assured, not insecure and needy.

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

The infamous age gap

Before we get started, there are age gaps that I don't agree with and that are unacceptable (for example, I don't agree with anyone in their twenties or older dating someone under eighteen. Not only is it illegal and a bit... ugh, but people in high school should experience dating someone of their own age before anything else. And another example, when someone quite older strictly only goes after people fresh out of high school and of age. Also, I do completely understand if someone began dating another person while in high school, they graduated and their SO remains in high school for another year or two, different story).

I'm young, and my boyfriend is ten years older than I am. More often than not, we are left having to defend our relationship to many people because the problem lies in my age. I'm about a quarter of my way through college, and I work a full time job. Everyone looking in at our relationship thinks that I most likely behave the way most people still in high school behave. They will ask my boyfriend in a condescending tone “What, do you drop her and her friends off at the mall and give her an allowance?”. I think, for half of my high school career, I behaved the way a typical (and socially awkward) high school student would behave, but then life hit me and I grew up very quickly. By many people, coworkers and strangers, I have been told that it threw them for a loop when I turned out to be three to four years younger than they thought I was (not based on looks, but based on behavior). It also throws people for a loop when they find out my boyfriend is older than they thought.

When my boyfriend and I met, I thought he was younger while he thought I was older. As we got to know each other, we found out that it really was perfect. It's a bit of a stereotype, but most men act younger than they are. Our maturity levels meet right in the middle, and it honestly doesn't feel like I'm with someone who's older, and to him it doesn't feel like he is with someone who is younger. The only time it feels that way is when we are reminded by the judgments of others.

During high school, I could never stay with a boy for very long. My longest relationship was seven months, and we just did not connect at all. I found that most of the guys I dated (and most of the guys in my school altogether) acted as though they were still in middle school. Or, they acted as though they were a gift from God and just above everyone else (big turn off, and to this day those guys have not grown out of that mindset). I couldn't even be friends with people who actually acted like a typical high school students, my closest friends also experienced the harshness of life early and grew up quick just like I did, and they act much more mature than their age as well. After high school, I moved out of the city for college, and again the college was filled with guys with this behavior (or they acted their age and very kind, but were gay). And none of these guys were ready for commitment like I was. It was during college that I began to talk to guys a bit older than me (about a four to five year age gap). However, I did fall prey to a guy eight years older than I, the one everyone bases the judgment of age gaps on, all he wanted was the sweet innocence of someone younger (he was also scum, later found out he cheated on his girlfriend with not only me, but another woman too).

It was when I came back home during a school break and resumed working at my old workplace that I met my boyfriend. I'll admit, I hated him at first. He was everything I wanted in someone, but I'd given up on trying to be with guys when no one wanted commitment. He was in a bad emotional spot and wasn't sure if he was in a good place for a relationship, and it was a rough start but a year later, here we are. I thought he was only five to six years older than me, and was surprised when it was a ten year gap, but I gave him a shot anyways. He is the most I have connected with anyone, besides a few female friends, and we both give it our all in our relationship. No, it's not perfect, we have our problems just like any other couple, but he makes me the happiest I can be.

But, let's talk about this. The majority of people say that it is okay for someone who is thirty to date a forty year old. But, when the age gap is a twenty year old with a thirty year old, it's the worst thing you could do because that twenty year old must be very immature. It's all just judgments. Most people are getting ready to be, or are, married by thirty (no, not everyone, like my boyfriend who isn’t). So, you're telling me that, if the person I am suppose to be with is ten years older than I am, I should wait ten years myself before getting in to a relationship with that person? And by that time, I have probably had my heart broken over and over again, when I could have been with the guy I'm possibly meant for. By that time, I probably became engaged with, or married, some other guy and maybe it's not working out. You're telling me that I have to, if life goes as it does, marry someone else then divorce before I can finally be with the person I'm meant for, rather than just be with them right off the bat and spend those ten years happy rather than possibly miserable? Because it's just not right to date ten years older when you're twenty or even mid-twenties?

Now, if my boyfriend only chased people ten years younger I probably would have seen a red flag and never have dated him. But I'm the first one he has dated this much younger. He has been engaged before, to someone the same age as he is, and has been with many people the same age as he is. He has experienced the many heartbreaks that I hypothetically talked about in the last paragraph while waiting to meet me (and would experience many more if we were not together now and had to wait ten years if we felt the need to be accepted by the majority of society).

[alwaysonehundred-blog]

Being the new member of a co-parent team - SCARY

First off, I’d like to apologize for what may seem like rambling here and there, this is my first blog post. Anyways, on to the blog!

I never imagined myself as taking care of children that didn’t come from me (unless I adopted), especially because I use to say that I hated children. A little over a year ago, I found myself beginning a relationship with a man who has two children. One he has raised from a very young age while the other is biologically his. They are … very much sour patch kids. First they’re sour, then they’re sweet. But really, they are some of the sweetest children I have met, every child has their sour moments.

I, personally, am at that age where most people just want to get wasted at a party, have random hookups, you get the drift. I don’t like partying, but even still this is not something I imagined for myself. But honestly? It’s like a trial run for when I have children of my own. I mean, it’s a two day a week trial run, but still enough to learn how to help raise children. It took some getting use to, and I had some very frustrating times (still do), but now I enjoy that, while I write my blog, a child is sitting next to me talking my ear off about dinosaurs and showing me his drawing of a raptor and t-rex while sporting a chocolate milk mustache.

But, lets get to the serious part. Becoming a parent-like authority in a child’s life is hard work. These children met me when they were two and five. The youngest will soon be turning four, and the oldest will be turning seven after the summer. Getting them to begin to listen to, and respect me as they do their father was tough work. But, what was even more tough  was getting their mother to respect my new found position in her children’s lives. Well, okay, I can’t say it was “more tough to get it” because I still don’t have her respect.

Listen, I’m not telling anyone how to parent and whatnot, but if you are co-parenting and you child’s other parent has a partner – get to know them. Don’t make them feel unwelcome. They are just as nervous about being in your child(ren)’s lives as you are about having them around your child(ren). The mother of my boyfriend’s children never took the chance to get to know me, never sat me down to discuss expectations, never reached out to me unless it was to belittle or argue with me for not answering a question she asked my boyfriend that I didn’t know the answer to. From day one she belittled me and went out of her way to disrespect me and start arguments with me, then told me I was in the wrong and took his children away for the weekend. No, I am not completely innocent, after some time I did begin to treat her poorly as well because I got tired of being totally crapped on by this woman. I admit, I probably should have just kindly ended the conversation rather than let it escalate, but the only time their mother really met me was when she let herself into our house to begin screaming at my boyfriend for taking more than two minutes to respond to her text, yet she always treated me like trash for simply defending my boyfriend. She would use me as a reason to keep the children from my boyfriend (I got a new job and on my first day she expected me to stay home and watch her kids for her even though she had the day off, when I wouldn’t she decided to tell my boyfriend he would not be getting the children for their next visit – things like that). I am not saying any of this to speak poorly of her, just to show examples of why you should just get to know someone. I understand she was , and maybe still is, nervous about having this new person in her kids lives, but our relationship could have started so much better, and there were times I felt that I should just stay out of the picture entirely because of her. Although I suppose her treatment towards me could come from her bitterness towards my boyfriend, however those bitter feelings have seemed to have disappeared and yet I am being treated the same way.

Co-parenting is a scary thing. Trying to become apart of a child’s life is a scary thing. However, when someone is willing to love your child as their own and help raise your child (provided they also respect your wishes about the way you want your child to be raised), it’s best to take some of the stress out of an already stressful situation and learn to respect one another rather than constantly fight over stupid things like someone working and not watching the kids on your day off. It’s a team effort, and welcoming a new member to the team takes work, especially when that new team member has never raised a child – it took work when she started dating someone new (and has now married that person) who had never raised a child just like me. I expect no thanks from her, or any signs of appreciation, I just expect her to not undermine the position I’m trying to build in their lives.

Moral of this blog post – you don’t have to like the person you’re raising a child with, you don’t have to like that persons significant other, but the whole situation is already stressful and for the good of the children it’s just best to get along. Because whoever comes in to your child’s life as yours or his significant other, like me, is going to love those children, and maybe those children will love them back. So why not learn to respect the position that they work so hard to have? As long as they respect you as the children’s parent and your wishes. Just sit down with them for a nice chat and actually talk to them.

Just a side note: For those of you who are co-parenting and don’t like the significant other of the father/mother, if you have actually gotten to know them and have an actual reason for not liking them, then this post really isn’t aimed at your situation. Having a reason for not liking them versus disrespecting them from day one and never getting to know them are two different things and I don’t want you to take this blog the wrong way. I also am not saying that I am completely innocent in all of this – her and I have had a discussion where I have apologized for my wrongs and I have tried to fix things with her, however she wasn’t having it and while she admitted to her wrongdoings and poor behavior as well, she never apologized and still chose to address my position in the kids lives as “uninvolved” and constantly makes sure to tell them they don’t have to listen to me when staying with their father and I, and when dropping the kids off (if I am there as well) she will refuse to get out of the car and makes her husband walk them to the door and talk to me rather than herself. So, I hope you can already see that this situation is different from yours where you have your very good reasons for not liking the SO and I respect that.