too much sauce

[alwaysthenewkid]

love-alec:

Jamie,

Well, I am happy that I unintentionally flustered you. Or maybe it was a little intentional…

Oh god no…wasn’t that just wife beaters? Cause that is definitely not my style. I’d look weird as fuck in just a wife beater and jeans. Not saying why, just I would. I will never wear high heels or a boa…I mean, if I’m drunk and someone puts a boa on me then maybe it’ll stay cause I have a feeling drunk me just won’t care. So just hell no to the heels. It would be very hard finding heels in my size anyways. 

Maybe they just seem gay cause of always talking about their dicks. Granted, I don’t do that and I am definitely gay. So who knows. Any time a guy brags about mind-blowing sex, you know he’s making shit up to sound cool. Especially in high school. You’re welcome. So could I find you by looking for the guy singing Poker Face? Wow, fuck you. That song isn’t even good. At least I gave you Lady Gaga. You gave me a really bad song with a catchy beat and impossible to leave head lyrics. 

If we make t-shirts that’d be one way to find out who the other was in person. Also a way to out ourselves. But it is totally normal that we bond over this. It’s really nice having someone that understands this cause my friends definitely wouldn’t get it. 

Hey, that sounds like a lot of fun! Probably way more fun than any college will ever be. Plus I’m sure there’s plenty of hot European boys looking for small flings ;) That felt so weird to type out, those European boys also made me a little jealous? Which is as weird. Oh damn…not going is cool too. Fake sick or something if your friends decide to give you shit. Don’t we already do that like daily? We do go to the same school after all. It is comforting though. Knowing at least one person at this school understands me. Yeah, it’s the perfect place. No one will know me and so nobody will have these expectations of who I am. I can basically be whoever I want to be. I mean, I guess I should also come out to my parents eventually in case I ever get a boyfriend and want to bring him home or post on facebook. So I’m excited for the prospect of coming out in college. What about you? Do you have that same feeling about coming out when no longer living with your parents? 

-Shurik

Shurik,

Well, you succeeded. And now I’m blushing. 

Wife beaters and sweatpants. You’d have to admit: you’d be comfortable as fuck. Are you the type of drunk that you just kind of let things happen to you while you’re drunk? Let me guess: you’ve had a dick drawn on your face at some point while being blacked out. Oh... So, you have big feet, huh? 😏 Kidding, kidding. Maybe. 

You’re not wrong about the lies of the aforementioned “mind-blowing sex.” Personally, I don’t see anything involving straight sex to be considered mind-bowing other than the fact that they can conceive another person that way. Aside from that? Don’t get it. Dude, if I want to pass as straight in school right now, the last thing I’d be doing is singing Lady Gaga. It’s what you deserve for giving me not one but TWO songs that wouldn’t get out of my head for days. Call it even?

You’re right. Let’s put the t-shirt idea aside for a later date. Do you think your friends would say anything about you being gay?

Oh, really? Well, don’t worry. The hot European boys don’t stand a chance right now. Mostly because I’m too far away, but also because I’m not entirely interested. ☺️ You’re smart; has anyone ever told you that? I might end up doing something like that if I decide I’d rather not go. And it’s true that we do that daily, but for all I know, we’re in entirely different classes or eat lunch in different places or have never once walked by each other in the hallway. But then there’s the chance that we do have the same classes, eat lunch at the same spot, and we have walked by each other at least once, and wow. That just made it all the more real. I like the sound of that - new place, no expectations from you. I’m really excited for you and your future, Shurik. It sounds like it’s going to be awesome.

As for me, well... I don’t know. Even when I’m out of the house, I still will likely keep in touch with my parents. We’re all very close. And I don’t know if I’d be comfortable telling them and risk ruining our connection because they can’t just accept me for who I am. My dad, he’s super strict and rigid and hardly ever smiles. But he’s not a cruel man, and I know he loves me. As for my mom, she’s sweet and fiery and strong. She shaped me to be who I am today. And I love them both so much. I want to stay the same kid they know and love and raised, but coming out to them would be hard. Even harder than filling out these college applications, which suck so hard. Ugh. 

Jamie.

[alwaysthenewkid]

love-alec:

Jamie,

I don’t know, I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to live with yourself. I’m sure you’ll feel pain every time you see a beautiful butterfly. I’m sure you’d look hot going all out like that.

Nooooooo, I would never be confident enough to dress like that. I’m not even confident enough to come out of the closet and I have a really open minded mom and step dad. Maybe if I ever am confident I can wear clothes that just scream “hey! Look here! It’s a gay guy!” But never like feather boa and heels and stuff like that. Maybe like tighter clothes.

So much truth in what you said. I feel like they do it to compensate for their tiny dicks. So they like to pretend they’re huge and talk about it all the time. Which everyone knows the truth that they’re small or even more closeted than the two of us. Yup, that was. I’m teaching you what happens when you say I would torture an innocent lady bug, I hit with fighting words or mention songs that are impossible to get out of your head. Could be worse though, I could type up the lyrics to Poker Face in here. Then you’d be screwed.

Thank you, that coming from you means a lot. Even if you don’t know me in person, I still feel like you know me better than most people that do. Is that weird to say? I have faith that you’ll go wherever you want to go. They’ll see your application and be like “we must have this man at our school!” And accept you right away. I don’t think there is a law saying you have to bring a date. If you must bring a female, take a girl friend you are super close with and just don’t slow dance with her. That’s what I’d probably end up doing if I went. Sucks we can’t bring the gender we want to bring. Maybe if there is a college prom? If you’re like me and decide to just live college as an out gay man.

Shurik.

P.S. You’re welcome 😊

Shurik,

Thanks... Kinda sad how that comment made me actually really happy and a little flustered. Would I do it, though? Still a hard pass. Thanks, though. 😊

Tighter clothes? What, do you rock the 00′s Eminem look now? (You don’t have to answer if that’ll give you away, I’m just too curious for my own good.) But I hope one day we’re both comfortable enough to wear what we want, even if it’s a boa and high heels. I still say it’s a look you should try out one day. Consider it.

I can’t pretend like you’re wrong, though I’m not too sure if all of them are super closeted. I have some friends that are, for lack of better words, assholes, just like the ones you describe. I can’t imagine any of them as gay. Or maybe they are and they’re hiding it, too. It must suck with how often they like to describe the “mind-blowing sex” they had with girls. Also, I hate that you just mentioned Poker Face because I CAN’T STOP SINGING IT NOW. To retaliate, I one-up you with Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen. You’re welcome. 

It’s not weird to say at all. We definitely know something about each other that other people don’t. That’s something totally normal to bond over, right? Everyone else may know our names and faces, but only we know we’re gay. It’s like we’re in an exclusive club or something. Maybe we should make t-shirts.

Thanks for your faith in me, Shurik. It makes me feel better about all of this. Who knows? I might not even do the school thing. Backpacking through Europe sounds appealing right about now. The thing is with my group of friends, it’s kind of expected you take a date. Maybe I’ll pull a you and not go at all. I have some time to decide, I guess. But if I did go, I kind of like the idea of both of us being under the same roof, even if we wouldn’t know who the other is. It’s cool. And comforting. You plan on coming out in college? Wow. A year away. How excited are you?

Jamie. 

[alwaysthenewkid]

love-alec: 

Jamie,

I can’t believe you. I am slightly ashamed of you right now. Damn, that is the biggest bummer. Maybe one day when you’re out and proud you can dress like a Ladybug for Halloween or a pride parade if you ever plan on going to one of those. I’m sure online you can find a ladybug costume for men. Five year old me is crying right now, thanks Jamie. You just made him feel terrible for sitting on a lady bug. 

I wish I had the ability to do that, or did that. Some of the guys teased me and made comments how I probably had a small dick which is why I was changing in stalls. Which I guess is a better assumption than the truth, a weird one but for some reason the real jerks are the ones obsessed with their dick sizes. I just don’t get it. Do you mean Tik Tok? Cause that song is dope, I would dance around to it all the time when I was younger. I’m not sure kid me fully understood it and just thought it was catchy as hell. 

That made me smile knowing that you smile at my emails. The only part I am stressed about is college. I have known what school I wanted to go to for ages, but it’s the fear of not getting in therefore applying to safety schools that is the stressful part. Prom, I might just end up going with my best friend if she can’t find a date or just not go. School events have never been my thing, especially not dances. I usually ditch them. What about you? 

Shurik

P.S Hey! I love cats and I loved that compilation of cat videos. Definitely took away some of the stress college apps are bringing. In return, I send you a pic of the only lady bug costume for men I could find. Also a pic of a man in a female lady bug costume if you’d want to go that route one day. 

Shurik,

How will I ever be able to live with myself? I have laid my ladybug-costume wearing dreams to rest. If I’m doing the Pride parade thing, I’m going in full drag. Makeup, high heels, feather boa.

Kidding. Totally kidding.

I’m not nearly confident enough to try and pull something like that off, ever. What about you? Would you do anything special if you could go? And if we could go back in time, five-year-old me would feel no remorse. Or maybe he would feel it a little bit and then offer you a cookie to get you to stop. 

You’d think with them being straight that they’d have less of a fixation on dicks and dick sizes, but that’s straight guys for you -- illogical assholes. Dude, come on! Now it’s going to be stuck in my head all day. That’s just cold, Shurik. Is this what I get for shaming your ladybug-killing self?

If you’ve been gearing up to go for so long, I have the utmost faith that you can get in to whatever school it is. For me, personally, I’m just hoping to get to someplace far away from here. Maybe the west coast. I might end up going to prom if my friends go, but that means having to find a date, which means having to find a girl because there’s no way I can waltz into prom with someone I actually want to go with, a.k.a. a cute boy who looks killer in a suit. 

Jamie. 

P.S. If you could’ve seen my face when I opened up that picture.......... oh, my God. I won’t be able to unsee that. Thanks a lot, Shurik. Nightmares for days. 

[alwaysthenewkid]

love-alec:

Jamie, 

Same.  I think they need to drain the pool before allowing anyone else to use it. 

Don’t forget butterflies! Were you ever a ladybug for Halloween? This is an important question that I demand an answer to. I was never that much of a monster. Telling a cat to fuck off and kill an innocent Lady Bug are two totally different things. I did accidentally once but that was cause I sat on it, so it wasn’t technically my fault. 

Did you ever have random boners because of this P.E teacher again? You are not alone. I am pretty sure that every single boy going through puberty had unwanted boners. I remember at one point I began to refuse to change in front of people after gym class cause my eyes would end up lingering on the other boys changing around me. Not quite sure how I’d be able to explain the unwanted boners to a bunch of middle school boys that use gay as an adjective. So I always went to the bathroom stall to change and stay there for a few extra minutes to avoid this. 

No, not at all. I like having you to talk to. Also kind of always smile when the notification that you emailed me pops up. Now did I just make this awkward?

-Shurik

Shurik,

Damn, how could I ever forget the butterflies? Shame on me. If it’s such a dire question, my answer is............... almost (imagine that as a pause for dramatic effect). When I was around 4 or 5, I begged my mom to let me be a ladybug for Halloween, and she eventually caved, so we went to the costume shop and found that the only ladybug costumes they had were for little girls. I was devastated. That killed all my hopes and dreams. I settled for being a Power Ranger instead, but I was left with the want to be a ladybug for years to come. Now I’m just hoping reincarnation comes through and helps me out in the next life. At first, I read that as though you sat on a cat and committed cold-blooded murder and I had to do a double-take. I guess I can forgive you for killing that ladybug, even if it’s family was probably waiting for him to come home that night and he never did. Totes not trying to make you feel guilty. Not at all.

Unfortunately so. Mostly at night, though. It was a weird, awkward, uncomfortable time in middle school. God, I was always so afraid of accidentally looking at someone while we were changing, but I learned to mask it well -- I just looked straight ahead at my locker the entire time and would basically bolt out of the locker room once I was done before anyone could trap me in a conversation while they’re still only half-naked. Your move was the smartest, though. Middle school kids are the worst; I can attest for this. I was one. Back then, saying, “That’s so gay!” was as normal as hearing that one Ke$ha song on the radio. You know the one. If I say the name, I’m never going to be able to get it out of my head, so you can fill in the blanks where you need, haha. 

It’d only be awkward if I didn’t smile when I check my email after school and saw that you emailed me back, which I do. These are kind of like my saving grace from everything going on. School’s starting to become a bit stressful, with everyone deciding what school they want to go to or who to take to prom or talk about the homecoming game. How are you holding up?

Jamie. 

P.S. I realize that the ending of this email is slightly stressful even just reading it, so I attached a video of a cute cat vines compilation below to counterbalance it. I apologize in advance to five-year-old you, who’s going to instinctively want to tell them to fuck off. 

[alwaysthenewkid]

love-alec:

Jamie,

What? You aren’t interested in hearing about that one chick give a hand job to that one jock in the pool? That’s some fascinating shit right there. Like Kardashian level interesting. (Which means not interesting at all.)

Most likely, she sounds fierce as fuck. 5 year old me is the monster. 17 year old me would never do something so cruel. I would happily tell a bug to fuck off though. Especially if it was a mosquito cause gross.

I’m so sorry that I started laughing at your unwanted boner situation. That is definitely one way to figure that out though. Staring at the hot male gym teacher and getting hard is just something that doesn’t happen to straight people. I’m really glad you did message me, it’s nice having someone to tell these things that I’ve been afraid to tell anyone else. Even if it is just my sexual awakening brought on by Captain America.

-Shurki

Shurik,

Funnily enough, that’s not at the top of my things to know about my peers. I’d rather know anything but that; I can’t look at our school’s pool the same way again. 

Bugs are abominations, if we’re being honest. Except for ladybugs. When I was little, I wanted so badly to be a ladybug because they’re beautiful and can fly. Plus no one goes out of there way to squish a ladybug, unless they’re a monster. Sound familiar to five-year-old you? 

It’s okay; I laugh whenever I think about it, too. At the time, it definitely wasn’t funny, but I ran to the bathroom like I was the Flash. People thought I had the runs (sorry, graphic), and I couldn’t live it down for a week, but it beat people knowing about how I had the hots for that very same P.E. teacher. I had to look not at him but past him for all the rest of the year to keep it from happening again. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. Please tell me I’m not alone in the unwanted boner department. 

I’m glad I did, too. I’d happily listen to anything you have to say, really. If you wanted to tell me, of course. Sorry, did I make this awkward?

Jamie. 

[alwaysthenewkid]

love-alec:

Jamie,

Oh…thank god I used a fake email cause I didn’t even realize that. That was my first ever post on that page. I’ve never actually watched that show to understand your reference…I’ll take your word for it though.

Bold-faced hooligan? That’s some intense name calling right there. I’d be terrified of your grandma after that. I think I told her cat to fuck off, I honestly don’t remember but that sounds abou right. I overheard my grandpa say it to the cat once and so I copied him when the cat wouldn’t leave me alone. I was a very impressionable 5 year old.

I am okay with you asking, I don’t actually know how to answer though. I guess it was because I never showed actual interest in girls like my other friends. I even tried dating some but i’d always make some excuse to avoid kissing them. Sadly, they never always worked so I had to kiss them. What truly solidified the fact I knew I was completely gay was how I got way more turned on watching Chris Evans shirtless in Captain America than any naked woman photos I forced myself to look at. What about you? What made you realize you were gay?

Shurik

PS…tempting but then you’d know who I was an this whole thing would be over. I’m quite content with my real name anyways.

Shurik,

You’re all good, man. It was my first time ever really replying to anything on that page. Most of it is just gossip, like who hooked up with who at last week’s party or copied and pasted lyrics of a depressing song someone listens to while they’re still in their emo phase. Yours was the first to catch my eye.

That’s my Nana. I’m sure she’d destroy you in all of her 4′9″ glory. You don’t stand a chance, sorry. And I can’t believe you told a cat to, point-blank, “fuck off.” You’re a monster (I say while laughing really hard at the visual because it’s actually hilarious). 

I would say as far as sexual awakening goes, Chris Evans is a solid person to bring that out in you. I’ve been with girls, plenty of them. It was just kind of expected when I grew up, but it never went far. There was always something that stopped me from going the next step, be it myself or them or something else altogether. But I knew for sure that I wasn’t normal when I was 13 and in my 8th grade P.E. class. We had a new P.E. teacher, a young guy, he could hardly keep any of us under control, but he was cool. He felt like one of us. And the girls were all crazy for him because he was that Hot Teacher and the guys were all friends with him, including me. And he would wear these shorts that really outlined his.. stuff and one day I was staring a little too hard, and, well... pair a hormonal teenage boy in a pair of basketball shorts and a hot older guy none the wiser and you get a very embarrassing situation. Not my fondest memory, but it makes for a funny story, if I ever got around to telling anyone. At least now I could, by telling you. 

Jamie. 

P.S. Fair enough.

[alwaysthenewkid]

love-alec:

Jamie,

That was definitely not my thought when I opened the email. It was more curiosity than anything. I mean, at first I was scared that I’d get a response of hate but thankfully it was someone who truly got it. Even if I’m not quite sure how you got my email but thank god it wasn’t to hate on me. 

That is exactly what I feel! Plus the word fuck is something that can fit in any situation and emphasize it, so it just happens to be one of my favorite words. Dude, my moms mom, so my grandma on her side would be a total hypocrite if she got onto me for cursing. She has the biggest potty mouth ever. She did get mad at me when I repeated what she said when I was five though. I’m glad that your grandma didn’t actually do anything to you like wash out your mouth with soap(or did she?) when you cursed. 

Same or making people look at me differently, not like I’m the same person they’ve known and loved for 17 years. It’s just better this way. Everything stays the same and no harm is done. It’s not like anyone is making me, I guess one of the perks of not having a boyfriend is that there is no one to pressure me. I can continue this dateless closted life I lead. 

I don’t think you’re crazy either, if that means anything. I haven’t talked to anyone about this either. That post was the first time I’ve actually even said the words “I’m gay” to anyone. Even if it was a thing no one knows who posted, not sure if anyone reads it besides you actually. I would love to hear you ramble anytime. Thank you for listening to me ramble to you as well. 

-Shurik

P.S. Thank you, kinda wish it was my real name now. 

Shurik, 

It was attached to the post. I promise I’m not some hacking genius, who managed to get a hold of your e-mail through my technological knowledge, even though now I think it’d be cool if I was. I’d be like Mr. Robot, fighting for the good, you know, rebelling against “the man.” 

My grandma never washed out my mouth, but I was called a “bold-faced hooligan” and given a stern lecture on respecting my elders - it made for a tense Thanksgiving, but she got over it by Christmas. What did five-year-old you say to scandalize your grandma? My curiosity is piqued. 

If you don’t mind my asking... how did you know you were gay? Like what was the moment that made it all click into place? I’m sorry if it’s totally intrusive or something. You can pretend I said nothing and I can go sit in the corner of shame for a while. 

Jamie. 

P.S. Makes me think of Black Panther. I say you legally change your name now. Embrace it. 

[alwaysthenewkid]

love-alec:

Dear Jamie, 

The message isn’t totally weird, it’s actually comforting surprisingly. 

But to the main point of the message. I am so glad that someone gets it! It’s not so simple. It’s like they thing some people are progressive and that gays aren’t still attacked because of pride month, pride parades, and gay marriage being legal. Yet there are still constant attacks and a shit (are you okay with cursing? If not, sorry) ton of homophobia left in this country. Especially with our current president encouraging it all.

 But very true, the people that should love us no matter what could easily turn on us just by this simple factor that we aren’t “normal” as homophobes love to put it. How do we know that we might not end up on the street or in conversion therapy because of asshole parents who again, don’t think we’re “normal”. It makes coming out hard when there is 50000 million different possibilities of what could happen. A lot of them not good. The media is no help cause a majority of films regarding lgbt are depressing as fuck. So you’re right, it may not be worth it at all. 

Thank you for listening to my very intense feelings about all this, hopefully it didn’t make you think I was insane and back away from your computer slowly thinking this dude is crazy. 

-Shurik (Also not my real name, but nicknames seem to be safe for right now)

Shurik,

I’m glad to know my late night rambling didn’t sound as weird or awkward as I thought it did. I was worried you’d open up your email and wonder what weirdo stumbled into here. Maybe my mom’s right in saying I worry too much, haha. 

I’m fine with cursing, it’s okay. Makes you sound more passionate about what you’re talking about in some cases. I also just don’t get the stigma with cussing, unless it’s in front of your grandparents. I’ve gotten the “You’re going to get it” look when I’ve accidentally let a bad word slip in front of my Grandma. 

But back to what we were talking about: especially where we live now, it’s just.. not possible to come out without any repercussions. And that’s what scares me because while every day is a struggle, I prefer being uncomfortable than making everyone else feel uncomfortable for something I can keep to myself.

It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one in this paranoid spiral of what would happen if we said anything, even if it sucks that we have to think like this in the first place. I’m sorry. 

And you’re not a crazy dude. If you were crazy, I wouldn’t be as honest with you as I have been. I’ve never talked about this out loud - or well, over e-mail - with anyone before. Thanks for letting me ramble to you. 

- Jamie

P.S. I dig the name.

[alwaysthenewkid]

When I read your post, I almost thought I had been the one who had written it.

It’s like people try to say that it’s 2018, and we can be as out and proud as we want to be since gay marriage is legal, and the last decent president we had was seen waving a rainbow flag in the White House, but it’s not that simple. We might like to think as the world being progressive enough to accept us, but what about the people right here at home? What would they think? And how could we say anything and risk having them see us any differently than they do now?

I just don’t know if it’s worth it.

Basically, what I wanted to say was, I get it. I’m sorry if this is totally a weird message to get, but I just had to say something. I felt a little better knowing I wasn’t alone in this, so I thought maybe you’d feel like that, too, if you got this. 

- Jamie (which isn’t actually my name, but for my sake, let’s just go with it, yeah?)