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What comes after grief? — rage. I like that at the end of the tunnel, they say it's light, freeing, and easy. But I'm afraid, they're wrong. At the end of this tunnel, I see a world that is engulfed in the sea of fire, it's warm, it's suffocating, and the heat blinds me. Oddly enough, I found comfort in it.

I haven't said this for some time, I haven't admitted it. But I'm angry, I'm angry at the world, I'm angry at the way the world the system works, I'm angry at the way we were taught to become, and mostly, I'm angry at myself. So what do I do with this rage? I can't possibly ruin myself yet again, I can't become a chaos and regret it afterwards, I can't rain hellfire in my life when I'm already at the top of the ruble of my own demise.

I am full of rage, I want to let it out on something.

Don't worry when it's scary, don't falter when you completely have NO idea ON whatever the FUCK you're doing. Doing it anyway counts, no matter what. lol.

Off to the unknown, I go.

I would probably choose psychology over journalism, I know I said it before that I wanted to become a journalist. And I just know deep within me that I'm bad at words, I'm bad at expressing my thoughts both in words and in action. 😅 But, if it's like on the field and we're asked to communicate and connect ourselves with people, I think yan talaga yung interest ko. One thing I learned about my self recently lang is that mahilig pala ako sa mga taong nagku-kuwento ng mga buhay nila. I like it when they entrust me with their stories, their journey and their battles. I like it when somewhere between the conversation everything becomes light and easy on the person when I offered him my time. Also, human behavior interest me. 😅 I don't know if I'm being crazy or what, pero, really, I enjoy learning about ourselves.

Maybe traumatized people likes to that often. Alam mo yun, I did not receive any comfort back when I needed one kaya siguro whenever I get to comfort someone with their struggle oddly enough I feel better, kasi I'm able to put myself in someone who I would've wanted to be around me at that time. Ewan, 🤷‍♀️ something about psychology talaga irks my interest.

Maybe I'm just crazy? lol

"People are self absorbed with their life, why worry about their opinions about you?" It's scary, actually. I know na wala naman akong dapat ikatakot, I've gone through many things in my life, if you're talking about shame I've had my fair share of it, regrets, too. I could be seated with a bunch a crazies and at the end of the conversation I'd still come off reasonable. So, I know, I could handle anything.

It's not fear maybe, it's more like a precautionary steps from meeting evil? Working abroad, I've seen all forms of it and honestly part of the reason maybe kaya ako nagka ganon. I'm cautious with my actions towards people kaya I'm careful not to press any buttons. I'm quiet kasi alam kong I have to know this person's behavior first bago ako maging at ease around them, and honestly it's working.

People will always say something about you, kahit na naka upo ka lang minding your own business, when you come off interesting to someone they HUHUSGAHAN ka nila, you have no control of it and that's OKAY.

Knowing yourself is very important, kapag hindi mo kilala yung sarili mo, magiging hobby mo ang mag self-sabotage hanggang sa pati yung totoong ikaw, mabura mo.

Your life is not meant to be built upon the fabrication of ideas from them, your life is meant to be yours, and you alone is the only one who can decide where you're going.

So many things happened to me lately that all of it has effectively made me silent. I've gone through all of it ALONE, part of me wants me to feel depressed, pero, for some reason, I feel like the demons that used to whisper at me before gave up. I know they're still lurking somewhere, pero I learned to be present with them when they needed to speak. Motherfucker, I feel like ako yung naging safe space nila in a way.

I've gotten through depression last year, and this year naman, right when I started to begin again, na medical repat naman ako... I know some part of me really wants to be depressed pero wala na yun, parang wala lang nangyari. Is this what depression does to you? It's really weird.

You are a victim of trauma, but you are not a victim of your choices in the aftermath.

I can't always point my figure at them, sila 'yon. Whatever it is that they've done to me at kung ano man ngayon ang ginagawa sakin ng tao, that is all on them. Nakakainis na isipin na at some point we will always have to continue bumping onto these kind of people pero totoo nga yung sinasabi nila, mabubuo ka ng panahon.

Pain changed me. To answer my younger self kung bakit sila ganon? Well, you don't have to find the answer for yourself, problema nila yon. lol I have my life right now, I can begin again, I can try again and pursue other things. Grow and outgrow my old self.

그리고 나는 잠을 잘 것 같아, 나는 잠을 자면서 나 자신에게 약을 먹고 내 머리가 마비되고 내 몸이 내 침대 깊숙이 묻힐 때까지 잠의 고통을 눕힐 거야. 만약 내가 오늘 죽는다면, 만약 내가 내 고통을 죽음에 묻어버리면, 그것들이 내 죄를 속죄하기에 충분할까? 내가 살아온 삶을 신께서 용서해 주실까요? 나는 신이 또한 고통을 겪은 사람들에게도 나의 고통을 덜어줄지 궁금하다…

I refuse to give up on life. I’m not suffering, I am facing the truth and the aftermath of an ordeal that I choose. This phase of my life is metamorphosis— i am changing. What I’ve been in the past will no longer resonate my present. I refuse to go back I will never go back to that dark and empty past that I’ve had. I will be stronger, I will achieve the greatest feats that the past version of me was afraid of ever achieving. I will burn my flesh, sweat and get all the bruises in my body. Regardless of what I have— I will become great.

boundlessdreamergirl

this is a supernatural horror anime and yet this 10 seconds clip is way more horrifying and spine chilling than the entire show. kaoru's a child for god's sake and yoshiki is a gay closeted teenager who's in love with his dead best friend who isn't really dead. accurate portrayal of how patriarchal hegemony bleeds through every social interaction. those words are way more violent than any physical altercation can ever be. as a queer person this scene for me is honestly is nightmare inducing. no matter how proud and accepting i am of my identity, sitting with homophobic bunch of idiots makes my palms grow sweaty, my heart rate spikes and ears start ringing. words can't describe how bad i feel for yoshiki and kaoru. poor babies.

vexheart

stormofanomalies

To those I have loved and lost.

Most Sincerely,

Storm of Anomalies

Cutting out

I love my life

My employer does not want to employ me anymore due to my medical record being my past suicide attempt. And it’s okay, I fell back square one, I’m planning on getting a job next year. Right now, I’m taking all this time to reflect more on myself and healing. I dont want to rush myself into getting on anything. I’m happier this way, for the time being.