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Tell me you miss me too

Please

Why couldn’t you just use a fucking emoji or laugh? Why would you think he’d automatically understand the two thoughts were connected?

You wanted this for SO long, hoped and prayed for it, and he finally gave it to you and you ruined it with your stupidity. You failed. Game over. He’s not going to try again. You don’t deserve it anyway.

While he criticizes your failure and points out all the things you did wrong, you know she’s somewhere lurking in the shadows, ready to console him and remind him what true chemistry really feels like. The conversation with her will flow naturally, like it does everyday, he’ll remind her how sexy he thinks she is, she’ll reciprocate the intimate feelings and deep conversation, and he’ll finally realize how much of a loser you really are.

He hates you for being so dramatic. You will never win against her. You will NEVER be good enough. You will never get the love from him you want or dream about. Accept the defeat and move on, you stupid moron loser.

Reminder to myself:

If he wanted to see you, he would.

I wish there was a way for me to know if you miss me as much as I miss you right now

Finally picked up that extra key for the apartment after a month of fighting for it. Thought it would make you happy and I’d be less of an inconvenience.

LOL

And the gate is still broken

1 week without you. Only forever to go.

No tears today for the first time this week. Maybe it’s true that things will get easier.

Good night

A million things I want to tell you and ask you about right now. It feels so wrong not being allowed to talk to you anymore.

I miss you so much right now.

Keep trying to convince myself to just say yes to some of these first date requests for this weekend, to stop overthinking and just do it. Maybe forcing myself back out there quickly will make it easier to move on and numb the pain I feel losing you.

Last time I went on a first date with someone else, I daydreamed that you would come and save me. You’d come around the corner, take my hand, and take me far away from there. You’d take me back home where I belong, with you.

But you didn’t come save me. And I had to fake a smile, pretend I had a nice time, and suffer the trauma of another man’s lips forced onto mine. I cried all the way home feeling ashamed and disgusting, took a long hot shower, and begged to crawl into bed with you.

Maybe this time it’ll be different. I don’t have anything better to do on weekends anymore anyway… lots of free space to fill. You don’t want me in your life anymore, right Azi? You’ll probably feel relieved if I become someone else’s problem.

No more weekends with Ani, you’re finally free from the burden. You can finally move on to someone better.

Part 1.

You asked me if I considered you the only thing I look forward to each week. I told you that no, it wasn’t the ONLY thing I looked forward to, however, it was the part of the week I looked forward to the most. That was the truth.

Long distance is hard, and keeping that connection becomes a struggle as time goes on. Every night spent alone, and every morning waking up with an empty space beside you. Day after day, night after night. Year after year.

There’s comfort in knowing that the loneliness is just temporary, and excitement as I anticipate being together again soon.

Quality time with you was a luxury, limited to 4-8 days each month, and always cut short by the inevitability of having to say goodbye.

This inevitable time limit made me desperate to soak up every minute I spent with you. I didn’t care what we did, whether sharing a meal, exploring the city, or just laying on the couch in silence doing nothing, I just wanted to be in your presence. I even looked forward to mundane tasks like sitting in traffic or running errands together because I got to spend that time with you, my favorite person.

Part 2.

Like a puppy craving its owner’s attention, I’d patiently wait for whatever time and effort you were in the mood to give me. Always hoping that I’d get lucky and you’d give me a whole day of your time. Sometimes you did, and I’d spend the following week feeling so grateful. My favorite was getting to wake up next to you, enjoy the day together, and then going to sleep with you by my side.

But it was rare for you to ask to see me, and would often be at odd times during the day. 3:00 pm lunch. 10:30 pm dinner. Always in the moment, rarely planned ahead of time. Date nights initiated, planned, and executed by you were so rare they only happened a few times a year. I’m grateful for those moments and cherish each one.

I would try to be patient, reminding myself that you enjoy your alone time and not to worry because you’ll reach out eventually. You would spend long hours alone in your cave, often doing nothing, letting the daylight slip away and the opportunity to spend time together fade with it. As the hours passed, I’d keep checking my phone, praying for a message. Eventually I’d give in and text you, sometimes begging you to spend time with me, trying to salvage whatever little time was left in the day.

Part 3.

Complaints and disappointment regarding quality time were always met with the same response. You just wanted to exist, alone, and you didn’t want to feel pressure to see me or plan anything. It didn’t matter to you how much time we spent together, if any. If we see each other, it’s cool, but you’re not going to go out of your way to make sure it happens. You spoke about it as if spending time with me was a chore, and made me feel selfish for expecting some effort and planning from you.

I felt so humiliated begging for more quality time with you and seeking your love and affection. Then I would feel completely pathetic when you’d give in and agree to see me. Like you were pretending to want to see me only out of pity and to keep me pacified.

The worst part was being shamed for not feeling satisfied with whatever you gave me. Shamed for feeling annoyed that you’d rather wait until the day is nearly over to spend time with me. Shamed for hoping you’d want to get breakfast with me after waking up in the same bed. Shamed for expecting you to show up reasonably on time when I volunteer to make dinner for you and am waiting on you to eat. Shamed for expecting that you would use your 10 day holiday as an opportunity to spend more quality time with me than usual, knowing how incredibly happy it would make me.

And finally shamed for thinking I deserved quality time with you free from the distraction of your phone, with you texting her back and forth every other minute. So busy engaging in a better conversation you ignore the girl right next to you who’s starving for your affection.

Trying to feel grateful for the time you’re gifting me, while silently praying you’ll put the phone away and talk to me instead. Hoping you won’t notice the lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I’m reminded of what matters to you most in this moment. Shamed for letting it bother me and for daring to think I deserved better.

I attended a wedding tonight. It was tough being surrounded by people celebrating love when I feel like I’ve just lost mine.

Thinking about all the funny speeches, words of wisdom, and heartfelt messages of love we’ll never be able to experience for ourselves.

Tuning out the wedding program and speeches, instead daydreaming about what our own wedding would have been like.

You would have looked so handsome and I would have felt beautiful standing in front of you, finally celebrating the end of long distance and the start of the rest of our lives.

Those dreams are gone now. But maybe in a strange way, we’re still celebrating those same things. The end of long distance and the start of the rest our lives without each other.

Day 4:

Missing your “good morning” texts so much right now. There have been so many times that I’ve wanted to text you to tell you something that I’ve seen/heard/experienced today. Insignificant, amusing little moments of my day that I instinctively want to share with you.

I keep having to remind myself that you don’t want to talk to me about those things anymore.

Oh god it was way too early for me to explore this dating app again. Completely overwhelming to think about.

I look at these men and feel nothing but annoyance. Annoyed that I’m forced into something I don’t want to do. Annoyed that they aren’t you.

How can I even consider someone else right now when all I want is you.

I know eventually I won’t have a choice, but right now I still have hope.

It breaks my heart thinking about you saying goodbye to Teddy for the last time. Whether you intended to or not, you created a bond with him that’s irreplaceable. He behaves differently with you, he doesn’t have to be your guard dog, you’re his protector the same way you’re mine. We both feel so safe with you.

Every dog has their “person”, and as much as it annoys me I know you are his. No matter how many new people come into his life, he’s always going to be waiting patiently for you to come back. His dad, his protector, his favorite human.

He’s not going to understand why his dad isn’t coming home to see him. His time on Earth is short, and thinking about him spending the rest of his life waiting for you is devastating.

Azi please come back to us.

Committed to keeping my promise tonight.

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