heel turn 2
when i hear this song, it’s a gut punch
not so much the theme of the song, though it does a lot to represent the ensuing most difficult years of my life, but the feelings and images that come along with it. it represents one of the happiest years and summers of my life. every image in my mind associated with it is almost totally gone, and it’s not even been a full five years since.
this is painful to think about, and painful to write about, and i usually wouldn’t. but i also don’t want to forget that this song was ever a gut punch. i don’t want to forget its importance. i tend to forget things like this, and i don’t want to.
the names, the times, the memories that come with this song. watching wrestling, spending almost every weekend with everyone during the summer, swimming, laughing, cooking, it was the closest my then wife and i came to what we truly wanted, which i think was a community of the family of our choosing, and the constant kind of easy support that comes along with it, that nobody actually thinks about when it’s happening. it just comes so easy, and although i’ve written about this before and won’t touch on it again, i took it for granted that everyone involved felt the same way, and it was gone just as easily.
it kinda came out of nowhere, and by december had disappeared back to that nowhere. i don’t have anyone to throw blame on for that, and it’s not any one person’s fault. it was, i guess, a flash in the pan, and although it’s somewhat painful that it couldn’t continue that way, i’m thankful that i have it. i’m thankful that most of the people involved are actually still in my life, in some way, even if separation and growing older are massive monoliths to overcome.
the truth is i’ve never stopped feeling like i’m just a young kid, confused by the world. and in the song, the president of the fan club choking on this tears is the part inside of you that realizes what growing older actually sometimes requires.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJH_mxz-QvU