I'm a disabled elven French trans woman who's also an owlcat ! =ÔvÔ=
I will not reblog anything on this blog because I want this place to be mine and want to share only my thoughts here, although I will like and share posts that I see with people around me. Also, I am an anxious bean and would like to be not too noticeable, so I'm not using tags except for trigger warnings (if you follow me and I miss some, I'll happily add them when notified). Can't get accustomed to too many people in my orbit too fast ! c:
If you want to see my reblogs, though, you can follow my other blog : @hypnagogue-moongazer.
Here's more about me if you want to learn about who(ot) this blog belongs to !
I have fibromeowalgia, DID, and am bipolar (type 1). I am a panromantic sexually sapphic grey-ace polyamorous person, and a relationship anarchist, as well as a political anarchist (communalist to be specific) and an anticapitalist.
I enjoy lots of stuff ! I love learning about :
communication
linguistics & languages (learning them and learning about them)
cooking
real life magic
psychology & the human mind
politics
neurobiology
medicine
music
And probably other things I am forgetting
I am also enthusiastic about :
many video games (including but not limited to franchises like Kirby, Sonic, and many others)
the TTRPG Mage : The Ascension (I will spam you if you ask me about it)
cooking (love to learn about it, but also love to actually do it !!!)
conlangs (I will sometimes post things in Quenya as best as I know how to speak it, which may not be the most proper)
opensource software
playing music
UI ergonomics
puns
spreadsheets
Mo Dao Zu Shi / The Untamed
and many other things (one of the curses of being plural I guess ?) !
I don't want to engage in discourse, am too tired to handle that, and won't respond if you try to bring me into any ! So, I'd like you not to interact if you don't like any of these subjects (not that I will necessarily talk about them a lot or at all, it's just things I endorse) :
Anarchy
Animal rights
Anti-ableism
Anticapitalism
Anti-fatphobia
Antipsychiatry
Anti-psychophobia
Antiracism
Cripplepunk
Decolonization
Defunding the police
Disabled rights and advocacy
Endogenic systems
Feminism
LGBTQIA+ rights
Mad pride
Plurality in general
Polyamory
Rehabilitative justice
Sex workers's rights
Trans rights
Veganism
Userboxes from @critter-stuff, @sweetpeauserboxes, @sapphicuserboxes
You know what, a lot of the time when I think about our disability, we feel like we're not "as disabled as we used to" and it's really a weird and unpleasant place to be. Weird-ass impostor syndrome of not suffering enough, when suffering is already bad.
Recently we've started to come over that, and I hope it'll continue in that direction. We have a wheelchair now, we also see again how disability impacts us daily even if we are more able than we used to. We see how we are not able to do half of what an able bodied person can in a single day, or when we do it's pushing our limits and we then need to rest for the next few days. We see that we're in pain. That people are not.
But also we see something hopeful, we see how hard it is on our body to do sports. Bagua si so demanding on our body. We went to a lesson two days ago and we still have a hard time walking and getting up today. Yesterday we had to ask for physical help to get up from bed. But it's also clear that even compared to last week, we're more flexible, we're stronger, and we are generally recuperating faster (somewhat, we're in worse condition than last week but we're able to do more than last week still).
And this makes us think and dream about being able to go back to a more active life. We could maybe hold a job someday, use the scraps of the food we're making to make stock on the side of the dishes we're preparing, we could look at one of our dishes and say "you know what, we used to content ourselves with the limited amount of vegetables needed for this dish to be made and barely eat any vegetable because there's already one in that dish ; we knew it was not enough but we also compromised because we didn't have the energy to cook more, but now that's over, we can do more. Let's eat more healthy".
We have many goals and things to look forward to : better cooking, being able to maintain our cookware better, being able to hold proper rituals for our goddess, being able to ride a motorcycle, being able to practice more martial arts, being able to go out and do stuff, maybe take a walk in nature. Hell even holding a job seems like a thing to look forward to. So many things to dream about.
This seems achievable. Maybe not all of it at the same time, but it seems achievable to fill our life with some of these things.
And if we do not, that's ok. We're disabled after all, and that's still a thing we know and are getting to accept more, just as we are accepting that getting better doesn't mean we're not disabled anymore : we're disabled enough to be considered as such, and it will never change. We're always going to be disabled. Never not enough.
So after last year we didn't do sport in a club although we had started to do qi gong the year prior because we had our surgery. It didn't feel very logical to pay for a whole year of training in a club when we'd be unable to attend for around half of it.
So we didn't do any sport last year. We tried a bit to do it at home once we could but with moving flats, post surgery care, and a bunch of other things, it was very hard.
But this year we are able to start again (I'm talking school-year, because here in France many things follow the schedule of the school-year, going from September to June) ! We wanted to do taiji quan (taichi chuan), initially. But we also gained an interest in another sport the school we go to teaches, which is bagua zhang. And we tried a few lessons. Gods is it nice, it's got everything we are looking for.
So we're instead going to learn bagua zhang this year and I'm so hyped. I really want to become a good bagua zhang practitioner.
Love needing to block tags that are not inherently an issue to us just because the smallest touch of horror triggers delusions and makes us feel inescapable dread
I wonder if, because I am afantasiac, I misinterpreted the conceptual shape of an alter to be robotic and they're actually in a full plate suit of armor,,,
So regarding that whole "other system" thing. This threw us for a loop for some time. We're definitely not done processing everything because its existence as it is made us remember things we'd honestly rather have remembered at a slower pace. Currently, since our fibro is directly linked to our mental state, it has been weakening us to a significant degree, heightened our pain levels and is giving us way more frequent pain flares. I honestly think this is part of the things that we had remembered back when we realized we are a system and forgot little by little making our life easier and easier.
The mind has its way of working through things, and it has once again obfuscated things until we had the mental space for them to be revealed to us again. I suppose it will happen again, we had forgotten about that. Time to try to speedrun recovery again ? We'll see how it goes.
In any case, seeing as this is really splitting our memory in two in ways that are really defined we need to start journaling again. So that's what we're going to do. Hopefully we remember to do that lmao
Also, here's the term we're going to use to describe this phenomenon : parallel systems. It is a synonym to sidesystem, which we not only do not like but also doesn't belong to us, however we couldn't find evidence that it is reserved for the community that uses the former word. Also, it explains really well what's happening and I can see many parallels between the concept of sidesystem and our situation.
Okay, we'll try to go back to veganism fully. It's been so long since we've had to stop because of school and then fibromyalgia both leaving us with not enough time and energy to cook what we needed
It's also important to mention that, for us, food is extremely (and i mean EXTREMELY) important and vital to our mood and mental health. Like we've been eating an underwhelming (to us) raspberrt jam that's too sweet and that doesn't taste like raspberry very much because of it for maybe three weeks with breaks, and even though it's our favorite jam, one we've never been getting tired of, even eating it for months at a time every single day, we're currently desperately in need of something else. Thinking of eating this brings us tears and nausea. We can't fathom eating another kind of jam currently
So our decision now is to make our own lemon curd and try out maple butter (homemade as well, it's not something we have here, with the already limited and quite frankly subpar maple syrup we have at our disposal in France).
Would you want us to make a presentation post for the alters who would like to introduce themselves on here ?
Yes
No
No preference
Voting ended onJun 22, 2025
We've realized a few months ago that we have another system in our psyche, and it's been ... weird. Like any new discovery that we weren't prepared for, that we didn't know could exist beforehand, it was very disorienting.
One of the things that made us realize that it's so separate is that we couldn't access anything from the other system from the one there was someone fronting in. There's no co-consciousness, it's hard to remember who exists in the other system even from the newly discovered one (and we have a very detailed map of our Olde system (we called it Etëaia, the Otherworldly, a reference to our system name which we'll no share) so it's not like it would be hard to remember), it's almost impossible to share memories (only and barely done through our respective administrators or during a very few seconds buffer time after a system switch, and we have to put in so much effort, it fades even faster than after a switch within Etëaia). That's just a few of the structural differences and hints that it's separate.
Anyway maybe we'll add a new tag for our posts. Etëaia and Ëarimbë. The Otherworldly and the Universal Rift.
But more importantly, what we made this post for in the first place was to note how very strange it's been for us and how much of a hit on our functionality it's been. Our memory is fragmented in almost complete blackouts again. We'd made so much effort to change that within Ëtëaia ! And this time it doesn't look like it's going to go away.
To our followers, would it be nice for you to have a post presenting the alters who'd like to introduce themselves on here ?
Long post so I'll cut it here so it doesn't eat up your dashboard. It's about the search for a word for the phenomenon of having another system besides the first one.
Also there's a link to a bunch of vocabulary related to RAMCOA (Ritual Abuse Mind Control and Organised Abuse) at the end, which I encourage you to look at if you don't know what it is, I think it's a very important thing to know about.
Hi. So, since we understood this fact that we are two systems, we've been looking for a term for it. Why ? Because we seemed to remember that there was one but it that was related to RAMCOA survivors (Ritual Abuse Mind Control and Organised Abuse).
This is a very very heavy topic and is understandably a subset of the plurality community that needs to be taken seriously and with the care they deserve. I haven't gone through that shit, and what I got through was already fucking awful and broke me in many pieces. So of course I want to respect people who have such a specific and terrible experience. If this term is for them, then it's for them and that's it.
The term in question is "sidesystem". I went on pluralpedia and found that term again, read its page and it didn't mention RAMCOA, but I still had that hunch that we'd seen it being discussed in the context of RAMCOA so we combed through every single system type term on pluralpedia at the time. We found another one, and this one did mention RAMCOA. It was created specifically so that non-RAMCOA survivors could use it, referring to a similar concept but not "sidesystem" specifically.
The term never sit right with us though. Axissystem. It's not an axis, it's literally side by side. I ... cannot explain it correctly, it just... feels wrong. Very wrong. We didn't use to understand why people might want to create other words than those that exist if they expressed a concept right but had a name that didn't fit them. Well now we do. It really implies that the concept is not expressed right, actually. We wanted to use it but we really feel bad and like it's wrong when we do.
So today we looked for a term we had suddenly thought of, to see if it existed. "Parallel system". Ooh yeah that sounds exactly like what exists inside of us. Ah, but it does exist. And it is actually a synonym for sidesystem. So what do we do. No mention of RAMCOA, just like on the page for sidesystem. Is it then a synonym to the extent that it is also specific to the RAMCOA community? It would make sense and would be fair. It wouldn't be my place to criticize that, and I don't want to anyway. I just want a word. That we identify with.
So we try to find information on it on the internet but ... lmao try looking up "parallel system" on the internet and see what you find. Of course it's not going to be plurality related. After using several other keywords (plurality, DID, RAMCOA, ritual abuse, OA, etc.), nothing really comes up that could lead me to a definitive conclusion on whether or not I can use the term "parallel system".
So I use my last resort : asking the community directly. Which doesn't really work at first. 3 answers from people who don't actually know much or anything about RAMCOA. They wanted to help, and out of the three, only one of them really had no reason to speak. The other two at least knew of the acronym and of the people it relates to. But I was really not asking them. One person responds to one of the answers, and gives everyone a much needed clear description of what a sisdesystem is and why it is really just related to RAMCOA. Relieving, useful, we finally recover from the dismay induced by having to defend that we are even asking our question to begin with because it becomes clear that we were right to be careful about it. It's funny it's almost like RAMCOA survivors are left out of the conversation to the extent that they are being talked over by other people with insufficient knowledge, and once they take the time and effort to speak up despite not feeling welcomed we realize how complex their experience actually is. And I'm not going to pretend like I knew. I didn't. I'm glad that that person took that time, because it was a phenomenal help.
We looked at their message and one thing in particular drew our attention. They signed "programmed system". Feeling dumb as rocks for not thinking before that that term would exist, we finally look that tag up on Tumblr and... wow, a community.
So, we didn't find our answer, but we found resources in that tag. And that's invaluable. Thank you stranger. And now I'm sharing one of these resources with you, a post detailing some of the vocabulary related to systems of RAMCOA survivors, and incite you to have a look at that tag because it is all so important to be aware of.
💬 4 🔁 13 ❤️ 67 · OEA Terms - Clinical/Academic vs. Community · This post aims to provide comparisons and sources for OEA community terms a
Would you want us to make a presentation post for the alters who would like to introduce themselves on here ?
Yes
No
No preference
Voting ended onJun 22, 2025
We've realized a few months ago that we have another system in our psyche, and it's been ... weird. Like any new discovery that we weren't prepared for, that we didn't know could exist beforehand, it was very disorienting.
One of the things that made us realize that it's so separate is that we couldn't access anything from the other system from the one there was someone fronting in. There's no co-consciousness, it's hard to remember who exists in the other system even from the newly discovered one (and we have a very detailed map of our Olde system (we called it Etëaia, the Otherworldly, a reference to our system name which we'll no share) so it's not like it would be hard to remember), it's almost impossible to share memories (only and barely done through our respective administrators or during a very few seconds buffer time after a system switch, and we have to put in so much effort, it fades even faster than after a switch within Etëaia). That's just a few of the structural differences and hints that it's separate.
Anyway maybe we'll add a new tag for our posts. Etëaia and Ëarimbë. The Otherworldly and the Universal Rift.
But more importantly, what we made this post for in the first place was to note how very strange it's been for us and how much of a hit on our functionality it's been. Our memory is fragmented in almost complete blackouts again. We'd made so much effort to change that within Ëtëaia ! And this time it doesn't look like it's going to go away.
To our followers, would it be nice for you to have a post presenting the alters who'd like to introduce themselves on here ?
Okay, we'll try to go back to veganism fully. It's been so long since we've had to stop because of school and then fibromyalgia both leaving us with not enough time and energy to cook what we needed
It's also important to mention that, for us, food is extremely (and i mean EXTREMELY) important and vital to our mood and mental health. Like we've been eating an underwhelming (to us) raspberrt jam that's too sweet and that doesn't taste like raspberry very much because of it for maybe three weeks with breaks, and even though it's our favorite jam, one we've never been getting tired of, even eating it for months at a time every single day, we're currently desperately in need of something else. Thinking of eating this brings us tears and nausea. We can't fathom eating another kind of jam currently
So our decision now is to make our own lemon curd and try out maple butter (homemade as well, it's not something we have here, with the already limited and quite frankly subpar maple syrup we have at our disposal in France).
Also me : *tries to help my partner lift a piece of furniture and barely succeeds while being in pain, whole body crying for a break in under 30 seconds, panting and getting close to fainting afterwards, needing rest while having a pain flare once resting*
