Amber mirror

refraction, difraction, reflection and retraction

[ambermirror]

I’m back home

Unhappily, I never learned what home feels like so whenever I recognize the feeling it makes me want to run out the door.

[ambermirror]

Everything is horrible

Everything i choose to do All i go for All i turn back from They’re all  Wrong  Choices I regret everything

[ambermirror]

I get it

I truly do I am just going to be like this, forever. No amount of exercise, productivity or social interaction will ever change it. I’m just a fucking wreck

[ambermirror]

Hate

It’s simple, I hate myself. Won’t say anything more because that will just annoy people. Sorry about it.

[ambermirror]

Bird Bex

This new stuff, show or movie or whatever, came out and I didn’t see it. Thing is, I don’t need to see it, I live it everyday.  Pretend you don’t see those people who you know but won’t say hi. Pretend you see some people who are super nice to but you are intimidated of them regardless as equals Pretend that the glint of disappointment and annoyance everyone has when talking to you is just your imagination. Pretend you see emotional stuff and don’t feel anything related to it Pretend a visage for everyone to think you’re ok. No one cares anyway. . ... God this is tacky.

[ambermirror]

Knives

I got a collection of knives, it’s small so far. The first I got back in 2012, around the middle of it. The cable has four holes, for a finger each,with a beautifully serrated blade. The next one was in 2013. Small space between the two, huh? Anyway, its blade is a stunning black and the grip is very comfortable, a tanned leather. The last one was acquired last year, 2018. It’s one of those rainbow blades, y’know? the grip is plain, but at this point it has my grip engraved on it. I have this small collection of knives and I plan to keep it that way. I’ll engrave them in my skin, with ink, so i never forget how they look like, even if I lose the knife itself. To be honest, I wish I had no knives at all.

[ambermirror]

How do I make this machine stop?

This thinking machine it just doesn’t turn off for a second a second is way too much time a thought is way too much time i’m drowning in a sea of leisure, disliking each moment, each instant to think i wanted this leisure, but then again when did i really know to want the right things for myself? play ocarina practice poi go graduate chemistry gemology programming games gaming socializing music i should find something to kill all this something i don’t do! this is beyond paradoxical, it’s just a really bad joke by now i sure fucking hope the punchline will be worth it...

[ambermirror]

Hate

I hate my friends I hate my crushes I hate my parents I hate my family I hate my life I hate my teachers I hate my work supervisor I hate my co-workers I hate my routine I hate my behaviours I hate my body I hate myself I hate my life I hate everything. Will there ever be anything in front of me that I won’t hate? I doubt so. I probably like hating at this point.

[ambermirror]

Achromatic

No color can associate this gut-wrenching, gut-moving feeling  of undying, unkillable, unborn regret. God, how could i move backwards so much by simply not being in motion?

[ambermirror]

Selfish

Stupid

Selfish

Stupid

Selfish

Stupid

Selfish

Stupid

You even made a mistake while trying to post this

Fuxking pay attention

Selfish

Stupid

Selfish

Stupid

[ambermirror]

Against the grayful of apathy The bluish indigoness of withdrawing anger Is better. Feels worse.

[ambermirror]

Again

I'm somewhere between the 6915th and 6916th lap on this race.

This drag of a race with time.

I can feel time ticking, time closing on me.

It's been like this since lap 1.

i just need some more seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days.

Another week and this problem go poof, another month and this is past.

The only time i haven't asked for is a year. I hope i never need to.

It's kinda tiring, you know?

Life with a noose on the neck.

Living today to pay yesterday, borrowing the payment from tomorrow.

Saving everything in the nick of time.

But now, i don't feel like saving everything.

Saving everyone. Now,

I just want to save you.

I hope i'm not late.

[ambermirror]

You know what life is?

Life is a day after the other.

Yesterday, today and then tomorrow.

Never thinking about how we're going to die.

We don't live to die.

We live to win a match, get a promotion, have kids, smith weapons, slay dragons, capture stars, achieve our dreams.

But life is not winning.

It's unclogging the toilet, calling your cable service, wondering why you have a headache.

Life is mundane.

And so, life's ups and downs are mundane.

Wash the dishes, finish a series, find a new book.

But also run out of toilet paper, get on the end of the street when the traffic starts moving, lose your wallet God-knows-where.

And so, another day, another apple to keep the doctor and the hunger away, another arrow on our soul.

Because people never die of anything, but lack of life, or excess of it.

[ambermirror]

Y'know

It's ok to eat chicken bones

[ambermirror]

The little bundled mess on my heart right now

-What am I doing with my life? Is this enjoying it? Is this fun?

-Why can't I trust her fully?? I want to! But I know it's asking for pain! Grrr, damn war-won paranoia.

-Man, I miss everyone. I feel so lonely right now. It's aching my heart.. But I'd rather cry in text than wet my face.

-why am I going like this in college? Just-below-average? This is really getting into me. Jesus, I feel so incompetent.. But I still didn't complete failed.. So.. There is that. Still feels like setting down for second prize, tho. Licking silver trophies, again.

-either my stomach became a metallurgy cauldron or whales are mating in there. I'm for sure gonna have an ulcer sooner or later.

-What the fuck should I do in a trip? I'm so lost rn, the fuck.

-Am I making my dear suffer? Idk.. I feel a bit abusive on her. Brash. She puts up with a lot. And this whole thing.. Dammit, I wish I didn't had that dream. I wish it didn't affect me. And every time I address this, it makes worse! She may not say, but it does. She doesn't HAVE to say anything.

[goddess-forbid-deactivated20170]

[ambermirror]

The cold Truth

This is the answering blog, so, get ready.

I’m addressing the orangemirror thing.

I have it open on another tab to help me. Well, let’s see... Where do i even start this shit?

For a sense of aesthetic and... uh... sense, i’ll answer it chronologically. Good.

Yes i do need and it’s nothing personal to you. I need a place where NO ONE can go. I need my treehouse fortress. Always needed, prolly always will.

Now, if you mess me up? ohohooho.. Dude. DUDE. i think were in two different levels. First, before i explain this ‘mess me up’ shit, i’ll explain the ‘treehouse fortress’, since i answered both in chronological order. Second question gets a ‘yes’.

I, as you know, have the plain conviction that no one truly likes me. Don’t worry, my psychanalist will address this issue. But think with me: If you’re 100% sure no one likes you, would you be completely honest? Even if it were a single person? Even if it was temporary or for a loved one? Think about it.

Now, about the mess me up. UGH. YOURE SO MILD. It’s funny. You’re in a constant admiration of my being. I oscilate wildly, 8-or-80 for life apparently. I either question myself if i need you/why i keep going back to you/if i should ditch you for good... or... am, yknow, with you. Completely immersed in your mannerisms and loving who you are. I hate this ‘i love all and hate all’ thing sometimes. Yay for ambiversion!

Oh and just for the record: This is just ONE aspect why you mess me up. Tip of the iceberg, yo. Shit's deep.