Probably the most discouraging thing I do to myself is ask myself if I am "just not suited to making this kind of art". Recently I have been doing that with long form stories because part of me is just like "what if all this time and effort going into writing, editing and polishing a story doesnt pan out and the result is worthless (which it never is by the way)
And it always ends up with me asking myself, well what's your measure of success, is it popularity and engagement? And I'll go, no obviously not, I don't want to write entirely for other people because that would kill my passion for writing in the first place, because the core of why I write is because I want to see the stuff I write out in the world, precisely as I envision it.
And while I want people to like my work and read it and talk to me about it, its themes, their own ideas sparked by what they read, I'm not here to conform to anyone's expectations or definition of good except my own. I do listen to others and consider their perspectives and decide if they align with my own, but if they dont ultimately, I discard and move on.
And so I ask myself, well is it that you want the work to be good? And it's like, yeah I would hope so, but good is very subjective and even if I later end up disliking or being embarrassed about the fic, it was worth posting to begin with, even if I surpass its skill of execution. All I can do is attempt my best at any given time, and seek opportunities to grow if I find my best lackluster.
So usually I resolve that writing is about the journey, self expression, and connection to others, but it is not done for any of these things singularly.
Like it doesnt matter if I am ultimately not the best at writing x, y, or z because writing that is what I want to do. So even if my execution is bad, or my themes are shallow, or my ideas gets abstract and muddled, it's worth it to try, and keep trying, and iterate to gain a better understanding.
I sometimes write things that are really sincere and not well received and at first I get terribly embarrassed about it, but then I end up reading it again and again because I liked it. Probably one of my favorite fics I wrote is just a what if fic about if Megatron actually felt remorse for Starscream and I read it quite often just because I like it. I find it poetic and it flows well and it captures a lot of my tender feelings about all the characters in it.
Or I write something I find good in the moment and then get embarrassed later because to me, as I write more and more, I see all the spots where I could have improved execution of the fic, but people routinely tell me my fic means a lot to them and even if the fic makes me unhappy and uncomfortable (not in any serious or debilitating capacity mind you) I am glad others can still enjoy it.
In a weird way I like writing primarily because I like having a big body of work for people (myself included) to pick through and read. It makes me feel proud and accomplished (maybe even a little cool). I like being part of the fandom ecosystem and contributing my own thoughts and ideas and seeing others contribute theirs.
I'm definitely a little afraid of becoming any kind of notorious and sometimes go out of my way to avoid self promotion and idk, purposefully building any sort of following. I can't manage a whole lot of engagement and feedback, the current amount I have is pretty good.
