American Gypsy Heart

Learning how to love deeper, serve greater, be kinder, and live bigger.

[americangypsyheart]

Judgement

Cast your ballot, find some type of stone to throw, but don’t throw it so they can see. Cast the stone inside your mind upon a scenario you’ve created out of a place of hurt.... cast that stone and justify your hurts. Utilize negative emotions to establish some sense of expectations, but don’t question whether those expectations are healthy. Just question whether they should be used now, or later. Judgement is taught, and judgement teaches. Judgement teaches us that for some ungodly (literally) reason we *need* to internalize our perspectives of others and stow away information that might be useful to project once we’ve grown offended... perhaps “offended” isn’t what you feel. Perhaps you feel justified when those negative emotions sworn to secrecy by your “Christianity” are brought to the surface. We say “I don’t judge” yet the crude memories of our unnecessary offenses run rampant between our ears. 

Cast your ballot, find some way to justify your desire to be a victim. What was done to you has taught you nothing but to return the unbecoming favor of judging. Are you tired yet? Are you tired of facilitating such heavy responsibilities as you do unto others as others have done unto you? Once we’ve been taught how to judge, it’s much easier to remain under that teaching than it is to find a different subject to understand and grow in. 

Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Maybe the narrative within that under the light of judgement should be “love your neighbor as you wish they’d loved you”. Treat them with the same kindness you wish to be shown. Give them the same grace you wish you’d been given. Serve them as you’ve needed to be served. Speak to them as you wish someone had spoken to you. Refrain from judging them as you wish someone had refrained from judging you.

Judgement happens in our minds, breeds unhappiness in our hearts, and expresses distaste in our words. Make an apology for where you are responsible, make a plan for where you fall short, make amends for when you do wrong. Be unencumbered by the weight brought on by internalizing and judging the hearts of others. Be purposeful in executing kindness. Be brave in standing for peace. Be yielded to undoing false beliefs within yourself. Be everything for someone else that you needed everyone else to be for you. 

[americangypsyheart]

My Letter To You

We are nearing the end of the year, and many of us have multiple things still on our to-do list that continue to haunt us. Christmas gift lists, Thanksgiving meals to prep for, decor we need to find and put up, houses we need to clean and organize for incoming family, and other various tasks that never seem to end this time of year. This holiday season seems strange due to the current state of the world, but it doesn't have to be chaotic. I have learned many valuable lessons this year that have forever changed my perspective, and I am so thankful that God has allowed this time of growth and change for me and my family. At the beginning of this year I never would have thought that I would be nannying twins, have a new-to-us vehicle, be a health coach with a fabulous team, or living 15 minutes from some of my family. God knew exactly what would happen and has been so sovereign through it all. I would love nothing more than to encourage you as we begin to turn the chapter of 2020 and begin new in 2021. May we begin to work towards a better, more well-rounded sense of self. May we set aside and even negate excuses promoted and created in times of discouragement and disbelief. May we learn to set aside our negative expectations and begin to see our paths full of hope and positivity. May we grow through what we are going through, and establish better personal habits as we break down improper and unhealthy habits. Friend, even as I write this I am reminded of the times when I wake up with hardly anything more than the motivation to open my eyes... but I am reminded that in order to go... we must start. Each and every day is an opportunity to show up for yourself, show up for your spouse, your children, your friends. God has given us each such a sweet gift and ability to love individually and uniquely. May these words and affirmations find you where you are, may they seek you out when you need them, and may they bring you peace when you are uncertain. You are never too much, always enough. You are never overlooked, and never forgotten. You are never too big, and never too small. You are brave, you are kind, you contain the ability to accomplish whatever you have set your mind to. You are worth the world. 

[americangypsyheart]

Lean Into Authenticity

It’s been a while since my fingers last melodically and poetically touched the keys of my laptop. It’s been a while since I allowed myself to sit down to unwind and undress the innermost writings and musings of my gypsy heart. It isn’t often that I am able to express my most authentic self in-front of people. It isn’t often that I am comfortable enough among company to be completely poised in my sentiments and unapologetic in my beliefs. Dear reader, there is something I wish you would know.

A year and a half ago I moved to Montgomery, Alabama where I quickly realized I would be tried and tested. I was freed and also held captive there. I worked under the worst leadership I have ever worked under while trying my hardest to remain respectful and honest in my chosen career. Many nights as a newlywed were spent tear-filled with my laptop adorned in front of me, undone and overwhelmed at the tasks set before me demanding my attention. How was I to be a good wife if my affection and attention were already exhausted by papers and endless hours of keeping people alive? My heart didn’t rest, my head didn’t rest, my body didn’t rest. The heaviness of my education and career weighed heavier than it ever had before...it weighed differently than it ever had before.

There was nothing within me that was at peace. Peace was unfamiliar to me daily. Rest was foreign to my soul. Hope was living but dimmed by the demands of a workplace under manipulative leadership. Even on my most bitter and daunting days I knew I was headed to freedom to become the most authentic and genuine self I could be. I knew clarity and direction were tucked around the corner, and it would be but a matter of time before I could hold them and thank them for their patience. Even today I thank the Heavens for their kindness and grace during the times of chaos and hurt I endured.

My struggles are not over, peace is still finding its way to me, but hope’s light is creeping through the door of restoration and newness and my gypsy heart is standing in awe of God’s faithfulness. My resolution to myself is to lean into authenticity and rest in gratitude.

[americangypsyheart]

If only there were enough “thanks” to give. Without the love, kindness, and servant hearts surrounding our wedding, we wouldn’t have been able to do what we did. David and I were surrounded by love and encouragement as well as family and friends and friends that were family on our special day. June 29th 2019 was a day for the books, and a day we will cherish not only as the day we became one, but as a day in our lives where everyone worked together to share dreams and adventures as well as sacrifice and service. We knew getting married 2 days shy of 3 months after getting engaged was going to be a task, but we knew it was doable with all of the help we had through loved ones. Our wedding was a mixture of talents, passions, kindness, sacrifice, and willingness to do hard things outside of ones normal. To my parents, David’s mom, my parents amazing friends, our venue, our photographer, our family, and our friends- you helped facilitate memories that will last a lifetime, a dream that will forever be a favorite of ours, and a love that knows no bounds.

[americangypsyheart]

Always and forever, Mary Beth

Dear emergency department,

Thank you for teaching me it’s ok to not know what I’m doing. Thank you for teaching me that it’s ok to integrate work and life but it’s not ok to let your work overwhelm your life. Thank you for showing me the value in not lying awake for hours the night before a shift, scared for tomorrow and worrying about whether I will succeed or not. Thank you for growing me up and making me a better person. Thank you for giving me the support system I needed at a time of unknowns. Thank you for the experiences you gave me that scared me and surprised me. You changed my life.

Dear Lincoln Memorial University,

Thank you for showing me the value of self-care. Thank you for the months of depression that allowed me to see so clearly the hope and life God has for me. The depression that drove me to pursue a life of peace, and joy, and happiness, and doing the little things that put a smile on my face and a light in my heart. Thank you for professors that challenged me to be bigger people than they are and spread cheer and kindness instead of spite and frustration. Thank you for the 5 months of closeness I was given with my boyfriend. Thank you for the ability to find out more about myself than I was comfortable with.

Dear Heartache,

Thank you for giving me the strength to wake up knowing each day could be worse. Thank you for the pain, the tenderness, the grief that allowed me to celebrate beautifully. Thank you for the times you felt so heavy and all I could do was cry. It was then that I found out the value of so many things. Thank you for the conversations that exposed my selfishness, my wants compared to my needs, my inability to cope by myself. Thank you for those days when I didn’t have a choice but to push through the hurt and finish my obligations. You made me painfully aware of my faults, my character flaws, my “need” for perfection from myself. Thank you for forever changing my outlook on life, situations, and relationships. I can see the goodness and value of relationships now knowing what struggle looks and feels like. I am able to separate core issues from differences. Because of you I see insecurities, fears, the need for control, and have found ways to live outside of them.

Dear Vanderbilt University Medical Center,

Thank you for being my first stop on my journey to understanding my hearts desire and need to serve people. Thank you for always welcoming me back, and continually providing me with memories that will forever etch the inside on my mind and remind me of the value of hope and dreams. Because of you I am able to be honest with myself about my fears, my relationships, and my humanness. You have allowed me to see the importance of teamwork, and humility. Without you I don’t think I would understand how to defend myself in times of being belittled. You were the hurdle I needed to cross in order to be prepared for the best job I’ve ever had. Thank you for encouraging and promoting my work ethic, and drive to provide the best patient care I can.

Always and forever,

-Mary Beth

[americangypsyheart]

I feel diseased...

I feel diseased…January 11th, 2019

 Nearly 14 years ago I was diagnosed with my disease. A disease that has scarred me, left me feeling helpless, unwanted, and incurable. Some of you may know this feeling…some of you may have this disease. No one truly warns you about the effects this disease can bring along with it.

2 days ago, I had a complete and utter breakdown as I washed my face in the shower and felt my skin burning. Chemical burn. Burning. Wiping off the facewash didn’t help, cool water didn’t help, nothing helped but time. You see, I have scars from my scalp to my lower legs. I have constant reminders that something is wrong with me. People close to me have reminded me that nothing is “wrong” with me. But what do you honestly say to someone who’s been sat down by a doctor and said “I’m sorry, we aren’t sure there’s anything else we can do for this”? What do you say to the person who tried medicine after medicine, treatment after treatment, diet after diet, pill after pill, and nothing seems to work?!... You say what most people say… “you’re beautiful” or “I had it too when I was younger, it’ll go away”. Maybe it will, but not anytime soon. In 2014 I was told by my dermatologist that if he could cure my acne it would be the case of his career. That very same practitioner sat me down with sadness in his eyes and expressed to me that we had run out of options. For the first time in all of my life I had to come to terms with the fact that I had acne with no solution.

Now, some readers may roll their eyes at this point in my writing, others may sympathize, some may even stop reading completely and 5 years ago I would have too. I remember last year I was trying on a dress in front of someone I care about, but they had never seen my scars, or the acne that covered my shoulders and draped down my back. I remember them gasping and immediately telling me I needed to stop messing with my skin. I remember crying that night.

Some people with acne get upset with the amount stares they get, others become disheartened by how many steps it takes to wash, tone, moisturize and spot treat their breakouts. Not me. The stares and steps don’t get to me. Gloves off, guard down, heart exposed… I’ll tell you what feeling diseased feels like.

I can’t wear sunscreen because it breaks me out. Bra’s break me out. Certain fabric washcloths and towels break me out. I can’t use regular foundation (powder or cream) without breaking out. Do you know how difficult it is to create a life around an issue that plagues nearly every decision that should be simple? I can’t just throw on clothes I think are cute. I can’t go shopping and walk out satisfied. If the leggings aren’t over 80% cotton, I can’t wear them. If underwear has polyester, nylon, spandex, or any other fiber outside of cotton I can’t wear them. Deodorant? Forget it. Body wash? Heaven forbid it has too many ingredients. Natural products? Some of those I can’t even use. Affordable detergent…not likely. My own sweat breaks me out. If I want to feel feminine and wear perfume I have to be careful especially if it’s perfumed lotion.. that’s an automatic issue. Shaving=bumps. Aftershave/calming balms=breakouts. If I wear my purse too long, the pressure on my shoulder under my bra-strap is a dead giveaway from future breakouts. The therapy tape I need to use for a recovering joint injury leaves bumps and irritations in the shape of the adhesive that stuck to my skin. Have you ever really thought about what order you do things in when you shower? I have to. I have to wash my hair first then condition it, then wash my body and then do everything else… in that order. Why? Because if I wash my body first then wash and condition my hair and I fail to wash off any shampoo or conditioner my back turns into a red and painful field of irritation and outbreaks.

You see, when I washed my face the other night with a 100% natural product and it burned my skin, I quickly went to a mental place I avoid daily. I don’t harp on my acne every day. I don’t stand in front of the mirror and cry each time I get dressed. Why? Not because it doesn’t bother me, but because it’s been 12 years of living with this and I must function. I am thankful I strive to be modest, perhaps that is why most people do not realize the severity and widespread-ness of my acne. I wish I was joking by saying this, but I believe my hands and feet are the only areas unaffected by this disease. You may be wondering why I keep calling it a disease… It’s because acne is a skin disease. Now, before anyone begins to list off things I should try or asks me if I’ve done X Y or Z, please bear this in mind: I only use natural products, I’ve tried every off brand and major brand of acne care, I cannot do Accutane, I’ve adjusted my diet, and yes… it’s most likely hormone related…but I cannot take the medicines that would help fix my hormones. So thus, here I am disease ridden, checking every tag on leggings and underwear to make sure it says “cotton”, purchasing very expensive skin products, taking pro-biotics, and trying to avoid messing with my skin while my brain screams “that bump shouldn’t be there”. Even as I sit here and write this, I can feel the tenderness of the skin beneath my bra straps creating new sores that will only become more agitated by tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll wake up and face these challenges all over again, and I will choose to learn from it all. To all of you reading this, not all of us are bothered by the stares we get over the scars we have. Some of us are bothered by portions of the disease you cannot see. Be kind friends, we all need it.

[americangypsyheart]

Worth the wait

One of the greatest things I’ve ever learned was listening to my parents. My parents had rules, guidelines, standards for those who lived under their roof. I rarely broke the rules, rarely had behavior that would have hindered my relationships at home. Why? Why didn’t I fight my parents over our disagreements and differences? Because I knew the day would come when I could be on my own and I could fully live out my truths without dishonoring my parents. Curfews mattered to me, healthy relationships mattered to me, no alcohol in the house and no tattoos until you move out all mattered to me. The things worth waiting for are worth waiting for. If something meant enough to me it could wait until I was not disobeying or dishonoring my parents AND I was doing something for myself. I could have my cake and eat it too. Did it cost me anything to be like that? Nothing more than my pride, ego, patient, and some convenience. Better yet, what did I gain! Patience, to be proud of my choices, to push past convenience, it’s worth the wait... whatever that looks like. During the seasons I’ve been frustrated that having my “wants” needed to be postponed, I reminded myself “if this matters like it should, then it will matter in a year.”

[americangypsyheart]

Life may seem like a mess but what’s ahead is only for the your best. So lift your head and raise your hopes because God isn’t finished with you yet. • • • #loveyourlife #adventure #Godsgotthis #believeinmore #prayalways https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnezbt3neHq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=193fpqc1s01gf

[americangypsyheart]

Busyness Suits Me

I struggle with having down time. I wake up each day with a mission, and the days that I don’t have a mission I feel undone, out of place, not at peace. I’ve been this way for quite a while, but am finally at a point in life where I refuse to criticize myself over it. People often ask me how is it that I do what I do. How do I work 2 jobs, travel to see my boyfriend, do college online, and still manage to want more. Truth be told- some days I’m not sure myself but I can remember the days where I had no mission, no goals, no ambitions and I felt empty. There are moments even in my busyness I feel empty... not the typical observation and depiction of empty but rather a simple view of it. Empty as in wishing for more, feeling a void. Being still is not my strong suite. Being busy for the sake of being busy isn’t what I’m giving rise to. Being busy for the sake of accomplishing something, for growing oneself, for making a difference, for self-care is what I live for. I adore an organized life, a life that is simplified. I strive off of a to-do list, and I rarely know such thing as “down-time”. As a child I was a tag-along, a go-with-the-flow kiddo, and even into my earlier adult years I passively went through life. For those of you who are anything like me... we’re just fine. Words like knives have been said to me, text messages, phone calls, conversations...be careful with your words friends. When someone you love and trusts reminds you to rest and breathe, believe the value of their words. When someone who doesn’t understand you or care to get to know the real you says to rest and breathe, hear them out but filter their meaning. Are you like me? Someone who looks at their calendar multiple times a day in an attempt to jot one more thing down in order to appear more organized? Are you like me? Continually adding to your to-do/to-figure-out list so that your stresses at bedtime are lessened? Do I rest? Yes! When I believe and feel within myself that I have done a admirable job accomplishing something I can rest and be still with the best of them. To all of you 20-something-year-olds being told to “slow down” and to “not take life so seriously”- if being intentional, organized, and busy provides you peace and joy keep on keeping on. Still remember to rest. Remember to stop and smell the roses, and in the times when your idea of busy is going on do not feel guilty because of that busyness. My busyness has brought me the ability to pursue many amazing job opportunities. My busyness lead me to my amazing boyfriend. My busyness allowed me to work hard and diligently in order to afford beautiful vacations and family time. My busyness has promoted and encouraged a work ethic in me that is irreplaceable. Be busy if you need to, be kind always, rest when you can, never forget to be thankful, when you rise take others with you, and don’t place your fear of failure over your fear of being miserable.

[americangypsyheart]

We spend hours everyday connecting. We connect to the internet, we connect to our friends, we connect to our work. How often do we disconnect? How often do we separate ourselves from the need to connect? There are times when we need to connect (hello employment) but we also need to be able to disconnect. Disconnecting doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. To some it means being alone, at home, recharging. To others it means going somewhere new with no true plans. As I write this I sit in my eno at the park with children laughing and playing in the background. The birds are connecting with one another, the trees are vaguely being swayed by the embrace of the wind. It’s August, and in a few weeks the world will change again. Leaves will change color, the air will grow colder and more crisp, the birds songs will change. There is a small amphitheater within walking distance from me, it reminds me of something. It’s built among a cluster of trees, one side of the stage looks like the front of a home with a small porch. It’s an odd set-up yet it makes sense to me. A place to call “home” yet a place to be on display. It reminds me of nature. Nature is a place for creatures to be at home, and it’s also a place for them to be on display. There is a man, most likely in his 70′s, walking the trails etched among these woods. He slows down only to look at a certain tree or listen to a specific bird. He reminds me that you can be on a journey without being negligent of the beauty around you. We spend countless hours every week connecting to things, what if we challenged ourselves to connect to moments? The minutes will pass, but the moments and memories will be embedded in our hearts. So maybe “disconnect” isn’t the right idea, maybe it’s more about connecting to the moments not the things. Believe in yourself enough to invest and connect differently- MB

[americangypsyheart]

The Power of Passionate

My passion and vigor for life is something I use to hide from or dumb down. It was something that cost me, that made me rejected at times, misunderstood, and vulnerable. With passion comes work, tears, struggles. Couple passion with the “need” to please others and you’re faced with turmoil and a state of tiredness that can only be described as complete exhaustion. Exhaustion on a level that keeps you up at night, and yet so tired during the day. Life is exhausting, yet it’s so beautiful. My tiredness has clouded my vision these past few years. I’ve allowed the stresses of life and my unhealthy desire to please others outweigh the passions I have, and the pursuit of happiness. Being passionate is powerful but it can also be overwhelming when you aren’t sure what to do with your passion. That is what life is about. Growing and learning. No one else is responsible for your passions, but there are individuals designed to help you facilitate your passions. You are built with the capability of accomplishing great things, but it requires discipline, the pursuit of knowledge, kindness, and the willingness to be wrong. We all have the ability to be passionate, but not all of us have the desire to be disciplined. I’ve had the desire to be disciplined scholastically, to be physically disciplined, but when it comes to pursuing my passions I most often place my desire to please others over my desire to pursue my passions. Being passionate is beautiful, but sometimes pursuing passions can get ugly. You have to learn that the “what if’s” will always be there, the unknowns will always be there. What should promote us beyond those things is knowing that life is full of hope and beauty and the ability to learn. Learn to be disciplined, learn to be kind, learn that your passions should not be treated like a game, but as a goal. There us such power in being passionate.

[americangypsyheart]

What you didn’t know...

At first glance it seems as thought I am school hopping, and somewhat indecisive regarding my academic career. Truth be told, academics is one of the topics I think about and consider in my decisions the most. I am an independent student in most every aspect except by the standards of the government. Trying to pay my own way through college has created many questions and challenges. I believe vulnerability on this topic is key and called for. Here is my story:

-Each semester I max out my federal loans

-I’ve maxed out the scholarships I’m eligible for through my current university

-I have decent credit at best and do not qualify for a bank or private loan

-I lack a cosigner for a private loan

-Where I go to school currently is in a town that has no jobs (I searched and applied for months)

-Even after receiving free housing through my position as a resident assistant, I still owe around $2,000 per semester

You see, this isn’t easy. This has been a tear filled, prayer filled journey. Many of you are unaware of all of the details so I want to address this. My aim in this post is to raise awareness on mental health in a new way. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about and dwell on my academic journey. I stress over the details that very few people see or know about. The actual process and load of academic demands is enough. Add to it being an independent adult that is trying to pay off medical debt and monthly life bills. My mental health this semester has shown up in my grades. So here is the deal, here is what provision has taken place:

-I’ve been accepted to an online Exercise Science program

-This freedom allows me to move where the jobs are

-I’ve already been offered a job that pays my monthly expenses

-I can start my program whenever I want

-I can graduate in close to 10 months

-My federal loans would completely cover my tuition, so no $2,000 balance

-The time I would have open since I wouldn’t be spending 20 hours in a classroom would allow me to work and pay back my loans/save

-The factors that cause me to worry and feel set-up for failure are either eliminated or nearly erased

It’s not ideal to have transfer credits from 3 different colleges, nor is it ideal to be emotionally and mentally overwhelmed while attempting to make promising grades. Friends, I cannot explain myself away to you all. I’ve done that all of my life and yet I’m still here struggling. Here is what I long for- I long for you all to be kind to the college kid who isn’t a kid. Be kind to the student who says they’re changing the route by which they pursue their dreams. Be kind because maybe that individual has struggled with every little detail and failed to be kind to themselves. Just because I’m a student doesn’t mean I’m not also an adult with adult concerns. My dreams and goals haven’t changed. I still have ambitions and plans and aim to do my part in pursuing them. Is this new plan what I “want”? Not really. I wish I could have known my plight earlier on, but one of the factors of life is that we cannot predict our tomorrow, but we can manage our today. This is my today.

[americangypsyheart]

I sit here

I sit here, faced with emotions I can name and some I can hardly begin to describe. My mind fills with curiosity, worry, wonder, timidity, and a strength I at times can physically attest to. This is another day in my life’s story. Another day where I have the option to grow weary while waiting, and the opportunity to grow where I’m planted. This isn’t the soil I want to be in. The sun doesn’t shine enough here. Some days are simple… while others are scattered with chaos as I leave behind pieces of the motivation I mustered up while sipping my coffee on my way to work or class. My daily commute is short and sweet, but my thoughts rarely are. I’m caught between dreaming and planning, and being too realistic and practical to submit “send”. I try my best to live a simple life yet nothing behind the face topped with glasses echoes simplicity. It isn’t chaos, it isn’t hopelessness, it isn’t fear. It’s the waiting and wanting coupled with the reality and responsibility each decision seemingly provokes. This feeling of growing while shrinking. The growing of dreams and plans, the shrinking of old ideas and performance-based notions. Years spent living, and reaching for the nearest thing. Years spent disappointingly allowing morally acceptable and probable plans to be forsaken and deemed as less important. Less important than doing my part to facilitate the joys and happiness my Creator has placed within me. A Creator that made no mistake, who knew me before I knew myself, who loves me when my perception is tainted by more than mere raindrops on the glasses adorning my face. Perception that only describes a human. Someone who knows there is more to life than this, and who craves the better things in life. The better things of hope, peace, justice, grace. I sit here pondering my future, but this time with more certainty and wanting than ever before. Wanting specific things I aim to pursue. Wanting for a life I don’t wish to escape or create differently. Different is good. Different means living, not merely getting by and living through today just to make it to tomorrow. I always think about tomorrow, and replay yesterday. I do my best to set myself up for success. Success for not only tomorrow, but for the “tomorrow” that changes my life. Life is often funnier than the commentary I provide after too many cups of coffee, too few hours of sleep, and among company that knows my heart. This heart aches daily. Sometimes the ache is a slightly dull sensation, sometimes the ache cuts like a knife, and sometimes the ache provokes tears. Tears that either cleanse my undone thoughts, or tears that flood my mind and sink me deeper into an unknown emotion. I sit here, faced with emotions I can name, and some I can hardly begin to describe. My mind fills with desire, hope, want, and a drive to settle for nothing less than what I am created for.

[americangypsyheart]

School after life

It’s the halfway point of the semester, and I‘ve somehow managed to make it this far. I’m thankful to be back in class, and to be surprising myself with my achievements, but I still miss so much. I thought I would handle certain things better being back in school, having a set schedule, and having a game plan. While parts of me are at peace having those things, other parts of me miss life. I miss weekend roadtrips, day trips, my job, a steady income, the ability to adventure more often, the opportunity to help others medically. College is quite similar to the notion I had about it, not many surprises. The surprises have come in other ways.

Going back to college was something I knew I needed to do. My future dreams require it, and I’m happy to be here for the most part. I wasn’t prepared for how much I’d miss life though. I didn’t know that I would miss being employed, that I would miss having a career, a work family. It’s not easy a lot of the time sitting among classmates who’s biggest struggle is deciding which guys room they’re sleeping in tonight, or which girl to hit up first. It’s not easy sitting across from people my own age who think they have it rough because their parents said they can’t travel to Florida for the weekend. I have no idea what happens behind the scenes of those individuals lives, but I do know that I miss real, adult life. The first week of college wasn’t easy for a few reasons to be honest. I was excited to be there, yet my heart was heavy. If someone were to ask me what it’s like being back in college after a few years off, I would tell them that it’s aggravating. It bothers me to my core at times. It causes you to think and rethink even the smallest details of life. I sit in class and doodle because I have too many thoughts in my head, and my hands have to produce some order in my internal world of disarray. I sit on my bed and shuffle my notes from class for hours, never reading more than a few words at a time. I type, delete, then retype the same sentences over and over again because my heart and head keep colliding in the same space. 

So, how do I make this work? How do I juggle my wants and wishes for a life while still finishing college? Truthfully...I’m still working on that. At first I felt guilty for having such an internal dissatisfaction, but not anymore. Why? Why should I be upset for knowing this isn’t what I want the rest of my life? Learning to be happy doesn’t mean leaving things behind. Getting through college has to be done, and I’ll choose to be as minimally miserable as I can be through this season. “Choose joy”... a phrase I’ve heard a thousand and one times in my life. A phrase I’m sure I’ve said countless times. I use to think that that phrase meant I was settling, I was succumbing to my demise and my current situation. It means something different to me now. I don’t have to be satisfied with where my life is, especially if I know I am called to more. I don’t have to be comfortable. It means I place my focus on my dreams, and I do what it takes to get there. Friends, if I could encourage one thing within you, it would be this- do what you’re capable of...not what you’re comfortable with.

[americangypsyheart]

Shutting up and Showing up

I got the email, and the first thing I did was cry. Instant tears. Not tears of joy... but tears of sadness, of disappointment, of heartache. I knew as soon as I saw those numbers that everything was about to change, and I would have to find a way to cope, but not yet.

This summer has been a whirlwind of day trips to the mountains in Georgia, 3-day trips to Tennessee and Alabama, and making the most of my rare weekends off. David and I rarely had a moment that was unoccupied by a trip, or planning another trip. We spent countless hours ,and miles in the car...while both of us worked full time jobs. We savored the moments, and built amazing memories that will last a lifetime. I regret nothing about how my summer has gone. I’ve been able to be there for the birth of the two newest Dukes additions, and celebrated family members that traveled thousands of miles to be a welcomed surprise. It’s been a summer for the books, and how it’s come to a close is just as hectic.

I had already attended orientation, gotten my housing assignment, registered for my classes, and received an email from my roommate at the University of Tennessee. I was so excited to be within walking distance of my boyfriend, and the opportunity to do everyday life with him made my heart full. I was daily waiting for all my fees to be added to my account, waiting to find out if I was eligible for any scholarships. Weeks came and passed, and I made the decision to not put all my eggs in one basket so I applied to Lincoln Memorial University (a school I attended in Spring 2014).

A week and a half ago I had a hunch to check my financial status on LMU’s website.. I saw the email, lost my breath, and the tears immediately trickled down my cheeks. I was offered financial assistance that far surpassed what UT offered me. I knew in that very moment that I would no longer be a Vol like I dreamed, but that I would make the difficult choice to set my future up for success. My dad came into the room, I told him what they were offering me, and he cried. We both cried. One of us out of sadness, the other out of pride and joy that his daughter had a viable option for academic success. David saw me shortly afterwards, still with tears on my face, but a smile on his. It meant that our relationship would be challenged in new ways. It meant that we would have to do long-distance yet again. He quickly reassured me that this was the right choice, and we talked about how this would set my future up for such great success in the long run. I wanted to keep crying, to keep feeling sad, but I couldn’t. This was an answer to my prayers, and the peace to my financial fears.

In less than a week my world changed, my life shifted, and my schedule was rearranged. This week I moved in with my grandparents 45 minutes from LMU, met with an advisor, scheduled my classes, and managed to keep my tears to a minimum. I’m not angry about how my life is changing because I know God is faithful beyond my comprehension. I’m not disappointed in myself for the tears I’ve shed, or the emotions I’ve felt. I’ve learned things about myself, and seen  how gosh-darn determined I am to accomplish my dreams and goals. I’ve learned that even if I don’t stop crying, I can at least shut up and show up, and remember that God answers my prayers even in ways I never considered.

______________________________

This is a small excerpt from my current adventurous life, but be prepared for more updates, stories, and heart-to-hearts as this next season unfolds.

[americangypsyheart]

No exceptions...

It’s been a little over 6 months since I ventured out from under my parents roof and moved to Georgia. These past 6 months have been nothing short of tiring, faith building, tear filled, and prayer covered. Originally I made move for multiple different reasons, primarily the fact that I had no financially sustainable job in Tennessee and I was wait listed for Emory University’s BSN program in Atlanta. After a few short weeks of being here I started applying for hospital jobs, but quickly realized the difficulty in finding one. I had been spoiled in how I got my last healthcare job...I was basically a shoe-in right out of CNA school. I had to change my perspective from desiring a job in a hospital, to just desiring a job. Months went by, Emory notified me that they had no space for me in the program, countless job applications were sent off. It wasn’t until mid October that I finally landed a job. It was no where near the type of position or pay that I was hoping for, but it answered my prayers and God provided. There was multiple conversations that took place between my parents and myself about going back to Tennessee, discussions between my boyfriend and myself about what it would look like to have a long distance relationship.. so many talks that made me feel as if I had messed up by coming to GA, and yet in my core I knew I was being obedient. I worked that job for a few months then started applying for jobs in the healthcare field again... This time it only took 3 days for something to come open. God hadn’t denied me the desire to work in a hospital again, He just made me wait. I learned the value of doing the hard thing, working the minimum wage job, getting up and going to bed at random times just to get in more hours on your time sheet, waking up at 3am for training. I learned that when you’re scared out of your mind, God never sways. 

I’ve believed I knew myself pretty well, and during this season of growth I’ve realized that the things about myself that I didn’t want to admit to, were still true despite my pride. A lot headed my way at the same time, and to be quite frank, I was close to throwing in the towel a few times. Moving states is a feat in itself. Moving states, starting your first serious relationship, trying to find a job, waiting on pins and needles to see if you’re going to nursing school, and learning a new city is a whole different type of adjustment. The learning, and leaning on God hasn’t stopped yet, and I have a feeling that it won’t for a while. So... what exactly have I learned?...

1. There are no exceptions. There is never a reason to not pray, to not open your Bible, to not humble yourself before God.

2. I’m stubborn. I had honestly never considered myself stubborn before, but I’ve learned I can be. If someone tells me they don’t think I can do something, I try and prove them wrong. If I can’t fix something myself, I get frustrated that I have to have help. This has primarily shown up in my relationship with my boyfriend (who has been a saint about things). I don’t ask for help, I don’t leave room for people to help me, I take care of myself and am happy to do so

3. Missing my family doesn’t get easier

4. Being vulnerable doesn’t mean what I thought it meant. I thought I was vulnerable, open, honest, reliable. I realized I wasn’t those things when I told my boyfriend “I don’t want to let you in”. The words tasted like dirt in my mouth, and I knew I was in the wrong. The beginning of our relationship I spent still guarding the parts of myself I had always kept reserved and under my control. Yes, partly for the right reasons, but also for the simple fact that if I let someone in it meant that I had to be faced with my raw mistakes. I was in self-preservation mode, and completely unfamiliar with being in a honest and healthy relationship.

5. Relationships got healthier. My relationship with my sister, my mom, and my dad are healthier than most you hear about once the kid moves off. I use to not cherish all the conversations I had with my parents, now I savor every drop. I use to feel as if I had to be there for my sister in order to protect her, but now I see her living out incredible things.

6. I use to be a shy, cautious girl, but now I’m a loud, adventurous (older) girl.

7. Relationships can easily teach you more about yourself than they do the other person.

8. I’ve learned the value of “he who is without sin, cast the first stone”

[americangypsyheart]

Something has been on my mind on and off the past few weeks. I keep seeing more and more articles, jokes, memes, and posts that degrade the sincerity and beauty of relationships. With titles such as “your girlfriend is suppose to drive you crazy”, and memes that state “if she doesn’t irritate the heck out of you, is she even your girlfriend?!” how are we suppose to view relationships as something beneficial and wonderful? I get it, yes, there are times in relationships where there is going to be frustration and irritation, it comes with the territory of being involved with another human. But that should not be the summary of the relationship. We were made to compliment each other, to aid and support one another, to challenge the other person in a way that promotes them to grow. We were not made to chastise one another, to find our value based upon the belief that irritation and angst are healthy. Maybe I have a differing view than society, but what part of being in a relationship with someone that accepts and promotes getting on one anothers nerves seems mature? Shouldn’t we be getting down to the root of irritations and disappointments instead of treating them as something that we simply have to live with? Maturity would say to work through the issue(s), or remove yourself from the relationship. Granted, sometimes our carnality gets in the way of pretty much everything, yet in order to be smart and compassionate we must set aside ourselves and consider the health of the other person... or maybe we need to be considering our own health in the matter. Is the relationship healthy? Are both individuals putting forth effort into encouraging the other person’s emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health? Some of us are great at encouraging one area, but don’t have good encouragement skills in others. Do we honestly believe that beratement and bickering among relationships is what should define actually being in a relationship? What happened to caring and respecting each other enough to be kind and thoughtful? What happened to considering the other person first? What happened to going the extra mile?... not because we want to prove a point, but because that’s called having a heart. Have we become a generation that accepts flaws instead of addressing sincere issues provoked by relationships?! I pray not, but reality seems to give light to the fact that we are.