A mischevious fairy's idea dump

[amischeviousfairy]

The “HEAVY METAL KNIGHT” build

Some time ago, a friend of mine discussed the bards of DnD with me, pointing out that the fact they are “Jack of All Trades” made them useless at some point during the adventure ( at the beginning, I think, can’t remember ). Has this story anything to do with today’s build ? Nope, but I thought it could be a good opener.

So, what do we have today ? Well, have you ever dreamed of being a big knight clad in heavy armour, crushing down your foes with huge weapons, heavy metal in the background ? If you have ever played DOOM, probably. Only drawback here : you’re not really Doom Guy, so there isn’t any heavy metal following your every move. And that sucks hard, don’t you think ? What, you’ve got a phone to play music during your sessions ? ... Yeah, but... Have you ever dreamed of that music being played in universe ?

Well, lucky for you, because I have a build for you, today ! First, you’ll need to make a Bard and-

Well, shit.

Seems like you’re not going to be able to carry your orchestra yourself... Or can you ?

I know there must be a way to be a big badass knight AND STILL be a musician. And lucky for you, I studied the books a little and your good ol’ Fairy found a way to achieve full HEAVY METAL KNIGHT mode !

The base stuff

Okay, so to start off this section, you probably already know what class we’re going to play, if you’ve read the ( way too long ) intro. We want to play Bard. Why Bard ? Well, obviously because if you want to play metal while crushing your enemies, you need to be able to play an instrument or two. Duh. Were do you think Doom Guy gets his strength from ? His armour ? Pfeh. HEAVY METAL, my friend.

This time, your most important stats will be Strength ( because you might want to deal damage with those heavy weapons ) and Charisma ( because you need style, you’re supposed to be a heavy metal knight, after all. Oh, and that can be useful for your spells and stuff ).

The first difficulty on our path, though, are the proficiencies. Our poor little Bard can’t wear Heavy Armour, and honestly ? That sucks. So, we need to get those proficiencies going. We’ll go for a build that doesn’t require any proficiency training, since you’d want to get to the Doom Guy part faster.

We have two way to achieve this : race or feats. We’ll also need some feats for the “race” way, but whatever. I’ll start with the race part before talking about the feats way.

Doom Guy : shorty edition

Our first way to get more armour and weapon proficiencies is quite simple. Fortunately, one of the races from the Player’s Handbook can help us get these proficiencies pretty easily : the Mountain Dwarf.

I should probably not use that kind of image for our Doom Guy to be, but I just thought it was the funniest shit ever. Anyway, where was I again ? Oh yeah.

The advantage of playing a Mountain Dwarf are the weapon and armour proficiencies you get. No, really, it’s great.

Look at this. You get access from the start to the two most metal heavy weapons of them all : the Battleaxe and the Warhammer. No Greataxe here, but I’ll tell you how to get care of this later. And you get medium armour proficiency ! That’s neat ! Not enough, but that’s a good way to start !

So, now, we have some more proficiencies to work with. But it’s not enough : you’re still not clad in heavy armour. So, what do we do ?

Feats. That’s what we do. Who needs stats improvement, anyway ? Not us. We’re playing heavy metal, here, bois.

Here’s the Feat you’ll want to get ASAP. Heavily Armored is great for two reasons, here : first, it’s more Strength, which is always nice for your damage output. And more importantly : HEAVY ARMOUR PROFICIENCY. Since there is no real other way to get Heavy Armour Proficiency as a Bard, you will need that one, otherwise, well... You’ll never achieve true Heavy Metal-ness.

Honestly, this is pretty much the only feat you’ll need for that build. Other “need” feats will come in play later on, and only under some conditions. Maybe get Heavy Armour Master if you’re feeling like it, but for now, we’re all set for the race. Or not. Maybe you don’t want to play as a Dwarf ? Well, lucky for you, Fairy got something else for you !

Doom Guy : I-can’t-grow-a-beard edition

You know what’s nice with this build ? Unlike with the flying grappler one, you can actually play other races. Like human. Or other races. As long as you get the good feats. I won’t enter into too many details for the races, since there are no real variations for this method. So, I’ll focus on the humans.

Thing is : you still need proficiencies... And since you’re not a dwarf this time around, it’s gonna take a few more efforts to get those yummy weapons and armour proficiencies. Man, that sucks, doesn’t it ?

Fortunately for us, you can STILL achieve HEAVY METAL. How so ? With feats, of course ! First off, let’s take a normal human.

Did I take way too much time on Paint to make this ? Yup. Was it worth it ? Fuck yeah, it was.

Anyway, as a human, you’ll need to take the variation. Put the stat points in Strength and Charisma. Pick whatever for the skill, as this is not what’s interesting to us. What’s interesting is the bonus feat you get to choose. Get that thing :

Put that point in Strength and get weapons of your choosing. I’d suggest getting heavy, two-handed weapons, like that good ol’ greataxe and stuff like that. Or the warhammer if that’s what you’re into. Right now, you might be wondering : why not take Moderately Armored for the Medium Armor proficiency ? We’ll get to that in a moment. Just know that even though that feat might look like a good idea, it’s not. I’ll explain later. You could also pick something else, but it’ll depend on your Bard college.

If you’re not playing as a human, you’ll need to get Weapon Master at some point. Do note that it will make it more difficult to pull out this build correctly, however.

So, now that the race has been taken care of, what do we do ? We need to choose our Bard college, of course !

I’ve got a degree in kicking-your-ass or how to choose your Bard college

Okay, so for now, we’re on our way to get that classy as all hell heavy metal knight. But first, we’ll need to choose the right Bard college. This time, I went and looked a bit into Xanathar’s Guide to Everything ( which is pretty cool, tbh ). Looking at all the Bard colleges, on the five that we have at disposition right now, you will only be able to pick only one of two. Why that ? Well, because only these two will be useful to get what we need to be the most metal possible.

Also, remember when I said Moderately Armoured is useless ? Because it is. Both of these Bard colleges give Medium Armour Proficiency. Which means you could get Heavily Armoured at level 4 whatever you do. So, let’s dive a little bit into these two colleges, shall we ?

-College of Valor : This one is from the Player’s Handbook, and is our first option for the build. Pretty neat stuff in here : the Bonus Proficiencies give you everything you need : Martial Weapons and Medium Armour proficiency. That means you won’t need to get the Weapon Master feat, since you can use your heavy weapons the way you’d want to, making it easier to get other, more useful feats like Heavily Armored. Combat Inspiration is okayish, letting others deal more damage or be tankier while using an Inspiration Dice. You know, the stuff that is basically you playing music. GET THAT HEAVY METAL GOING, MATE. Too bad it’s not for you... The Extra Attack is an extra attack, which is always nice. But the other college gives us the same, so I won’t go long on this. Finally, the Battle Magic is nice too, making you able to use a spell AND THEN hit your enemy.

The College of Valor is a good overall choice, since it gives you some utility, whatever your race. However, the big inconvenient is that it will REQUIRE you to get the War Caster feat. Without that feat, you won’t be able to cast while hitting your enemies with your greataxe/warhammer. And that sucks hard. Also, you won’t be quite the badass you want to be. Well, at least your TEAM will be badass.

-College of Swords : the college I got from Xanathar’s Guide. This is our second option for the build, and what an option that is. First off, the Bonus Proficiencies give you Medium Armour proficiency, which is pretty cool. We do not care about the Scimitar proficiency, but what is even more interesting is the ability to use weapons we’re proficient with as an arcane focus. What does that mean ? Basically, that we can cast with anything as long as we’re proficient with it. The Fighting Style is a nice touch, but we do not care about it. Pick whatever. Blade Flourish is actually the best thing ever, for this build, with some really nice options. Defensive and Offensive Flourish are both fantastic. MOAR DAMAGE AND/OR MOAR TANKINESS. While using an Inspiration Dice, but this time around, THE HEAVY METAL IS FOR YOU. Extra Attack is Extra Attack, and it’s nice. Master’s Flourish... It’s fucking great. Unlimited Blade Flourish. Weaker ones, but unlimited anyway. Heavy Metal intensifies.

The College of Swords. A fantastic choice for our Heavy Metal Knight, to be the badass of the team, with heavy metal playing at each of your move. But, just like the College of Valor, it has some inconvenients. First off, you will need to get the Weapon Master feat if you do not play a Dwarf/plan on playing with the greataxe. It’s sad, really. Second off, you can’t use a spell AND attack during the same turn.

Both of these colleges can be great choices. It all depends on what you plan on doing/want to do ! As for the spells, choose things that seem brutal to you. Or that could help you and your team keep on slayin’, whatever floats your boat.

Ability Score Improvements are useless or a few interesting feats

So, I went over the colleges and all, and you might be wondering : “why isn’t there more Feats in these ?”. Well, because I decided to only put the required ones in the base stuff for the build. Otherwise, here are a few more feats to choose from that could be useful to you, if that’s what you’re into.

-Charger could be a nice addition. It’s more damage and it’s brutal, everything you want to be a good Heavy Metal Knight.

-Great Weapon Master, same stuff as Charger. More damage. More brutality. Heavy Metal intensifies. Also, you can potentially entirely mitigate the -5 penalty on the attack roll to get a +10 damage with your Blade Flourish if you chose the College of Swords.

-Inspiring Leader could be neat too. A bit of tankiness for your entire team and yourself. The more charisma you have, the better !

-Savage Attacker. See Charger. Also, useful if you hit an ally : you can potentially deal less damage to them if you hit them, since you choose which die is used.

How to tell if your equipment is metal enough

Now, you might be asking yourself : what equipment could be good to use to be a good Heavy Metal Knight ? Well, lucky for you, here’s a little selection as to what you should get to be even MORE metal !

-Literally any enchanted Heavy Armour. This one is pretty simple. You need heavy armour. Make it good. And make it so that you like it. +3, Adamantine, Invulnerability, Resistance, Dwarven Plate... The sky’s the limit ! But make it Heavy.

-Giant Slayer. This weapon can make for one hell of a greataxe. Brutal and even more so against giants. There are better options, but this can be a good one.

-Dwarven Thrower. If you’re playing a Dwarf and using a Warhammer, this weapon is made for you. +3 weapon that you can throw. And it comes back ! Great stuff !

-Any Instrument of the Bards. Remember, you’re a Bard. And those are rare instruments. The spells these give to you are really cool, letting you use some spells without using a spell slot. Heavy metal intensifies.

Now, some may think the Hammer of Thunderbolts could be a nice idea. Problem is : you need to use all three of your Attunements to be able to use it correctly, which is... Less than ideal. You’d lose too much by using it, leave that thing to your Fighter. You don’t need some silly belt and gauntlets to be the strongest person alive.

How to intensify Heavy Metal even more

Okay. Now, your character is made. You got your equipment. Now, how do you play this build ? Well, it’s pretty simple.

First, you open Youtube or Spotify or any music thingy you might be using. You put some Heavy Metal. And you start hitting things as hard as you can.

What, did you think this part would be as long as for the flying grappler ? Well, wrong. Seriously, the thing of this build is brutality. Why are you even asking me how to do that ? Go out there, start that Doom OST and... RIP AND TEAR ! GO WILD ! MAKE YOUR ENEMIES INTO A SPLATTER OF BLOOD AND GORE WHILE PLAYING HEAVY METAL ! YOU’RE A ONE-MAN ARMY AND A ONE-MAN BAND, ACT LIKE ONE !

Pros and cons of this build

+ You’re the most badass Bard out there.

+ You got one pretty nice melee DPS... And you can still get a level 9 spell slot. And any level 9 spell you want.

+ You’re a one-man army AND a one-man band.

+ Can be built as more of a support or a full DPS.

+ Heavy Metal intensifies.

- You may have a big AC, you’re still kinda squishy.

- Not as much of a support as you could be.

- Not as good of a DPS as you could be.

- So yeah, you’re a Bard, but you might not be that agile.

Okay, this build is done. Now, I’m hungry. Hope you’ll like it ! Have fun !

[amischeviousfairy]

The “flying grappler” build

So, I recently looked at the harpy stat block in the Monster Manual. Pretty cool monsters if done well, but the most important aspect of these is pretty simple : harpies can fly and have talons. Not the adventurers. But when I saw the stat block, I was actually pretty confused. Why don’t they have anything related to grappling ? I mean, those monsters are cruel. I think they would actually grapple an enemy and throw it from the air onto the ground to fuck them up.

I quickly understood why it wouldn’t be a good idea to give better grappling abilities to harpies, as it would simply make them way too fucking strong as CR1 monsters. Being able to dish cumulate 4d6 bludgeoning damages ( if they grappled some guy and then used only Dash to lift them up in the sky ) to a maximum of 20d6 (!) and making sure the enemy WILL take the damage if it frees itself is kind of powerful. Especially since they could do it again and again.

But then, I thought... Would that be possible for players to achieve ?

So, once I woke up, I spent a few hours thinking about a build that could literally make a character use the strongest weapons of them all. Because you may be strong... But no one is stronger than gravity. So, without further uninteresting life shenanigans, let’s get to the build itself.

The base stuff

First off, it should be noted that this build, if you want to play it optimally, requires you to actively build around it. That means that you’re gonna need to play a specific race and a specific class if you want it to be efficient. You can’t really improvise yourself a flying grappler, so there are two prerequisites. Well, three but that third one comes later.

Anyway, what you’ll first need to do is make your character an Aarakocra. If you’re wondering “why should that kind of character only be an Aarakocra ?”, well... Because of this :

That’s right. You’ll need to be an Aarakocra because you can fly. Pretty neat, right ? And probably the best feature to have when, you know... You want to be a FLYING grappler. It could be argued that you could do this build with any race if you have an item that grants you flight, but those are pretty rare and limited in use, whereas the Aarakocra’s ability to fly is not and accessible from level 1 onward. Plus, they do fly pretty fast, and that’s important if you want to accumulate fall damage quickly ( reminder that the rate is 1d6 bludgeoning per 10 feet of fall ).

Second important thing to pick is your class. As you probably know, grappling works in a way that, while using the Attack action, you can make a contest with your target ( your Strength (Athletics) roll vs. their Strength (Athletics) or Dexterity (Acrobatics) ). So, your most important stat is going to be Strength, right ? So what you’re going to pick is... You guessed it.

That’s right. You’re gonna be a Rogue.

“What ? A Rogue ? What the fuck are you talking about, Fairy ? Rogues don’t use Strength, their main stat is Dexterity !”

I know, I know, but let me explain to you why Rogue is your best choice here. First, let’s look at the skills you can pick.

That’s interesting. And why is that interesting ? Because Athletics is your skill for grappling. Yeah, fair enough, other classes can pick that, like paladins or fighters, but Rogue has a feature that neither of them have.

DOUBLE THAT PROFICIENCY BONUS, BABY. That’s right, guys. Expertise is what makes the Rogue an excellent class for a grappler, since this class feature lets you double your Proficiency bonus with Athletics, giving you a nice +4 bonus at level 1 and getting even better when you get more powerful, to a really nice +12 at 17th level. Without your potential Strengh modifier, but we’ll get to that later. Also, Cunning Action will let you use Dash as much as you want, letting you ignore the speed penalty you normally have while grappling someone.

Anyway, while we’re at it, you should have at least 13 Strength before level 4. Or at least, before level 8. At these levels, you should grab one of these :

I’d suggest taking Grappler first, as it synergize incredibly well with your class, since you’re a Rogue. And you know why ? Because it lets you use Sneak Attack as much as you want, once you grapple something. Because remember. With Grappler, you have advantage on attack rolls against the thing you’re grappling. Advantage means SNEAK ATTACK. Also, the part letting you grapple Large creatures is pretty neat too.

Tavern Brawler is pretty neat too, but not as important as Grappler, in my opinion. The Strength boost is pretty neat and could help you if you don’t have 13 Strength yet, and the grapple on a bonus action can be useful in some situations, I guess.

Now, with the basics out of the way, let’s see some items that could be really useful to you, while playing this build.

I have an item dependancy or how to lift stuff from the ground more efficiently

So, you know the base stuff you need to play a flying grappler. You need Strength and the ability to fly and to keep going fast. So, here are some items you could use to help you out on that path.

-Belt of Giant Strength ( any rarity ). Or, at the very least, Gauntlets of Ogre Power. If you’re not familiar with those items, the belts and the gauntlets are items requiring Attunement and setting your Strength to a fixed number, affecting your Strength modifier. What’s interesting about those is that they can go higher than your maximum natural Strength ( except for the Gauntlets ), with the best belt ( the Storm giant one ) giving you a nice 29 Strength. That’s a +9 Strength modifier, right there.  And that’s absolutely fucking great with your already absurd Grappling modifier, Expertise at level 17 with a Storm giant Belt would give you a +21 modifier to every Grapple check. Making you virtually impossible to escape. Or even to catch.

-Ring of Free Action ( rare ). This one is probably more important than the Belt. What’s the worst thing that could happen to a character depending really hard on movement to put out the maximum amount of damage ? Some cheeky cunt trying to slow you down by any means. What does that great little ring does ? Well, simply put, it makes you impossible to slow down, paralyze or restrain magically. Meaning that once you grapple a guy, this guy is going down... Or up, and then down. It does require Attunement, but for the benefits it gives you, it’s well worth the Attunement.

-Literally any Finesse melee weapon. Why ? Because you’re a Rogue and you need that Finesse weapon to deal your sweet, sweet Sneak Attack. Any Finesse weapon is fine, as long as it’s melee. Because remember. You have advantage on stuff you grapple. And once it’s grappled, the TARGET must get out. You don’t waste an action keeping it grappled. Also, Finesse lets you choose your damage modifier : Strength of Dexterity.

There are a few other items that could be considered to help you out or could simply be fun, so let’s just list a few I could think of. There might be more, so let your imagination run wild !

-Cloak/Ring of Invisibility. Because the only thing that is worst than a flying grappler is an invisible flying grappler.

-Manual of Bodily Health. This one is pretty tricky. At first glance, it could help you a great deal : +2 Strength, letting you augment your maximum by +2 too. What’s not great about this thing ? Well, first off, the fact that it’s not that great on its own. Sure, it’s a +2 Strength, but what’s the point of it if you’re already using the Belt of Giant Strength ? Second off, in a “normal” party, you’re not getting it. You’re a Rogue. Your Barbarian, Fighter or Monk might want that. And need it more than you do. The same could be said about the Belt, but it’s easier to get the belt, since it can still change owners, whereas the manual is a one-time use.

-Anything that could protect you from projectiles or spells. You’re flying. You’re an easy target. And your AC is probably not that great. Sure, you may have stuff to mitigate the damage a bit, but you’re still an easy target. And an evident one at that.

Rogue archetype : because you’re probably the worst thief ever

For this section, we’re going to talk a little more about the rogue archetypes. Mainly the one in the Player’s Handbook, because that’s where the most interesting ones are.

-Thief : Probably the worst archetype out of all three base archetypes for this build, the Thief archetype not being combat oriented makes it pretty bad. Fast Hands is useless for what you’re going to be doing. Second-Story Work is absolutely useless because of your ability to fly. Supreme Sneak is okay-ish, but not that great since you’re going to want to go fast. Use Magic Device could be useful but not all that great and Thief’s Reflexes could have great potential. Unfortunately, it’s way too little to justify using this archetype for this build. Sorry, but you’re gonna have to be the worst thief ever.

-Assassin : Without a doubt the best archetype you could get for your bird. Assassinate just makes your Grapple so much easier if you go first/attack by surprise that it just makes it ridiculous. Infiltration Expertise and Impostor aren’t that great for the build, but could be useful outside of battle. And finally, Death Strike will push your surprise attacks into the stuff of nightmare for anything that is alive, as not only will it let you Sneak Attack with a crit, it could possibly double the damage of that first attack. And then, you can Grapple with your bonus action. Really good synergy with a something of invisibility, for evident reasons.

-Arcane Trickster : This is a weird one, honestly, as it makes Intelligence one of your most important stats, along with Strength. However, it could be pretty good for one reason : the spell Enlarge/Reduce. Simply put, this spell could let you grapple creatures of one more Size level when active, making the build more useful against bigger monsters. Other than that, magic is always quite an asset. It’s still magic, after all. The feats, however... Mage Hand Legerdemain can see some use outside of battle. Magical Ambush is basically useless as is, because if you can surprise an enemy, you’re probably going to try and grapple it instead. Versatile Trickster is a bit redundant, as you’re probably going to grapple and have Advantage anyway. Spell Thief, however, can be a pretty good protection against any kind of big spell thrown at you.

How to throw stuff to the ground

Now, we’re going to see how to PLAY this build. Right now, you probably already know what you’re supposed to do, but here we go.

First off, you’ll need to get in melee range of an enemy. The best possibility would be for the enemy to get to you, so once it’s your turn, you don’t waste any time. Your first attack is going to be your good old Grapple. Yeah, right away. Neat, isn’t it ? Anyway, once you’re here, your target is probably grappled, by this point. If not, you’ll need to try again next round. Otherwise, use your Bonus action to Dash. And use your movement to go 50 feet into the air or the maximum amount you can on that turn.

For our example, we’ll go for the maximum amount of feet you can go with that Dash : 50 feet. Your turn is now over and you have accumulated 5d6 of falling damage. That means that if your target actually frees itself, it will take that damage, being totally unable to mitigate the power of gravity, except by flying. Which it probably can’t anyway. But since your Athletics modifier is so high, it probably won’t free itself. Anyway, now that your target has failed its contest, it’s your turn again.

You Dash again, getting up 50 more feet ( you’re now at 100 feet and 10d6 of falling damage ). And now, you can Sneak Attack. Remember : Grappler gives you Advantage on attack roll against grappled creatures. And Sneak Attack applies if you have Advantage. That means that for every 5d6 of falling damage you accumulate, you can also dish out some major damage while going up. What does that basically mean ? The guy you’re grappling is probably not having a good time.

Let’s fast forward a bit, now. You get to 200 feet and get to the maximum amount of fall damage possible : 20d6. Now, you can dish out one last Sneak Attack and... End the grapple. Ending a grapple does not cost any action whatsoever, meaning that once you’re up there, you can dish out that sweet, sweet 20d6 attack as you wish. And the target can do whatever it wants. It’s still going to take the damage. If it cannot fly, no throw whatsoever will save them from the damage. Because as strong as you might be, let’s be honest. Gravity is probably stronger. And the best part about this ?

No cooldown. If the guy you just threw from the sky is still somehow alive, you can just grapple it again. And lift him up in the sky again while he cannot defend himself. And that, my friends, is dirty.

Now, you might be thinking “but Fairy, what if the enemy can fly ?” Well that’s a really good question and you’re right to ask it, because... Well. The enemy can’t fall to his death. But it’s no big deal, because you can still grapple it. You may not have the cumulative fall damage dice, but you can still dish out some MAJOR damage on the thing you grapple. Or you can simple grapple it and bring it in the middle of your team. Do you know what happens to someone in the middle of the enemy team ? Death. The crowd control capacity with this build is just as insane. It’s simple : if you could grapple her, not even Tiamat could get out of your grapple. And the grapple roll is not a saving throw for the enemy, so none of the bosses “Legendary Resistance” can apply.

Pros and cons of this build

+ You can fly !

+ Your DPS and crowd control on a single target is the most absurd thing in the history of anything ever.

+ Even if you can’t drop your enemy to his death, you can still CC it incredibly well.

+ As niche as this build gets, it’s still viable in non-optimal conditions.

+/- You’re going to need to trust your team, as they’re going to have to cover you while you take off with one of the enemies. Also to get the right equipment you need.

- Your Barbarian/Fighter/Monk might want that belt of giant strength, too.

- Interiors suck dicks, balls and ass because you can’t lift your enemies too high.

-You can’t take on more than one guy at a time.

- Don’t think you’re gonna do anything to creatures bigger than Large with your normal strategy. Or to any flying one, for that.

- You’re probably going to be the worst thief ever.

So, here it is. One of the most bullshit damage dealing rogue you can get. That was pretty fun to think about, and even though the build is pretty niche, it could still work well. Now, a little more explanation as to why any other race would not work as well : the means of flight. The Aarakocra’s way to fly is natural and nonmagical, whereas any other race would need the use of magic to fly. Making them vulnerable to antimagic effect. This might not seem like much, but as I said before, there also is the problem of speed. You’re going to want to fly FAST if you want this build to be efficient.

Anyway, I hope you’ll have fun if you try this build out. Don’t hesitate to let me know what you think about it. Or how busted it is ( or not ). Have fun !

[amischeviousfairy]

The Dumbfuck™ trap

So, you’re a DM. Congrats, you chose a life of pain as your players are going to tear your scenario apart with stupid actions and a d20 so bent on letting them do nat 20 on stupid shit, you’re going to wonder if it’s piped against you.

But why should the life of a DM be that hard ? I mean, sure, if you’re around a table ( or on Discord or something, I don’t know ), you’re probably here to have fun and since you’re a DM, you already know that it’s not “them vs you”. But why couldn’t you get a bit of fun too ? So, what you’ve got here is a little bit of fun in the shape of a trap. Not some really mean trap or whatever, but probably one of the dumbest trap ever.

First off, I’m going to say it right away : this trap is NOT supposed to be a death trap. Unless you really want it to, in which case, you’re kind of a dick, but whatever. You do you. Also, this trap isn’t necessarily ONLY usable if you want to use a stupid trap on your players. But it can also serve as kind of a “tutorial trap”, that will let your players ( if they’re new ) as to what are traps and to stay vigilant while exploring ancient ruins or stuff like that. With that out of the way, what is that trap ? Well, lemme explain to you.

I’m not going to explain to you what the point of a trap is, it would be insulting to you and I’m not ( that ) mean. Let me just show you a little map or two.

Here’s a little map. This is a little, abandoned fort. I know that this map is ugly, don’t judge me, it was one of my first. Leave me alone. Anyway, the left map is the entrance of the fort. Since it’s abandoned, it’s in a pretty bad shape. This map is exterior. The right map is the guard’s walkway, just above the left map. Now, tell me. Did you notice something weird ? I’ll give you a few seconds. Still nothing ? Well, let me show it to you.

Do you know what those are ? Those, my friend, are spikes. Pointed toward the sky... Or more precisely, the walkway. Under one of the little towers at each corner of the fort. I’m not talking like “a pit with spikes in it”, no no. I’m talking spikes placed here for some reason. Now, remember what’s above this ?

That’s right, ladies. Boxes. Some stupid fucking boxes. That, and a hidden pit not visible on the map. Because I gave that version to my players. That pit opening right to the spikes underneath ( okay, they’re not perfectly ALIGNED, but whatever ). Of course, you’re going to say “but Fairy, why didn’t you put one of those chests, instead of those boxes ? It would have attracted the players better !”

Well, first off, one of those chests is a Mimic. And I’m not getting anywhere NEAR that thing. Second off, because boxes have an advantage compared to chests. No one expects them to be trapped. Now, the trap you can see on that map wasn’t all that strong, as it was the first trap I used on a level 2 party ( only 2d10 damage, even though now that I think about it, it was a bit brutal for that level ) and a Perception check not too difficult. But you know what’s the best about this trap ?

It’s totally obvious and perfectly avoidable.

“But... But how ?!” you are going to ask. Well, first off, lemme finish. It’s rude to interrupt people while they’re talking. Seriously, people these days... Anyway. This trap is perfectly avoidable, for one simple reason : you can see the hazard. It’s here. It’s just right there when you enter the fort, to your right. Spikes pointing toward the floor above. There’s not even a Perception check necessary : they’re here. In plain sight.

If your players fall in this trap, it’s their own fault. Not the dice or anything, they just didn’t check the ground when they knew there were spikes under it. And that’s what could make that trap either incredibly dickish or the best practical tutorial when it comes to traps.

If your players are new, this trap will teach them to be careful when exploring a dungeon. And for you as a DM to learn how to describe what they see without making important stuff too obvious. Like in this case, I just told my players that there were spikes pointing upward in the right bottom corner of the fort and... That’s it. Just tell it like that. There’s this thing here and then, keep describing. Or end your description on it, but don’t give any clue. If your players are smart or attentive, they’ll notice that something fishy is going on and be able to avoid the traps, rewarding them for listening to you and being careful without even throwing a dice ( or doing so with advantage, if you feel like it and they tell you what the trap seems to be ). Otherwise, well... They’ll be more careful, next time. But they might get pissed at a trap so stupid, even if it makes you laugh when you explain it a little bit. That’s why you should probably not make that kind of trap a death trap. Except if that’s what you want to go for. You do you, pal.

Anyway, if you want to use a trap like this, I’d recommend for it to not deal too much damage. Minimal damage for that trap category should be fine. Make sure your players see the hazard before they get to the second floor with that kind of trap.

Okay, I’m done. Have fun with this trap.

Oh, and I put a Grease spell on this part of the floor, right before the part where the walkway has collapsed. Because fuck you if you try to be cocky. If you fall, you fall. On the ground if you go from north to south, or on the bottom floor from south to north. Good luck stopping yourself while you’re running.