5 AM THOUGHTS

hot potato

[moneybytheton]

[amorhuecovacio]

Bonnie banane's new clip is insane

[pyritetears-deactivated20260218]

Enida Beal.

[amorhuecovacio]

POV

I wake up, the sun is peaking through the open window, crickets are singing outside, there's a song playing in the other room. The sound is muffled because of the wall and the closed door. I stretch out my arms and try to reach the ceiling, I never make it.

My arms come back down asif for a moment my soul almost floated out of my body, and now I have fallen back into myself. I'm heavy.

I wonder how i'm going to get these 60 kilograms out of my bed.

The crickets are still singing. The music has stopped. And I can hear footsteps coming closer.

You bang the door open and the smell of waffles storms into the room asif a tornado. Your face is shining, even though you've been up for hours.

You woke up before the sun did, and saw the morning dew. You took the bike into town because you like to arrive when she's still empty.

And there you sat on the bench, infront of the fountain, reading, waiting for the bakery to open.

Once it did open, you got the coffee you always get when your home, a taste that you claim can't be found anywhere else. Because it came with a feeling.

You went to get milk and came back home.

After you realised I wasn't up you decided to bake waffles and wake me up.

" I don't know how you do it " I say with my groggy ass morning voice, at noon.

Funny, how that never makes me feel any better. Your grace, your being. How could anybody be so radiant, beautiful. So alive.

And end up with someone like me?

[amorhuecovacio]

Have you ever done a brunch of 7 hours?

Neither have I, until I popped my cherry today.

Zjoske and Livinia came by with goodies and we all had a catch up session, which was severely necessary. At one point I opened up about my depression, which is rare. Not that we don’t talk about important things, we do. I just usually never go that deep. 

It felt good to say it, out loud without shame. To address it. Somehow, putting it out in the open like this has really helped me detach from the negative feelings I was having around it. 

It might be the vitamin D supplements that are kicking in, or maybe I’m just lucky. But I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel again.

Hope is scary to have, but having no hope is scarier.

[amorhuecovacio]

Today, I visited my friend Angel. It was simple, we talked for about an hour about what had been clouding our minds, smoked a doobie and believe it or not we laughed.

We laughed, genuinely, about how miserable we had been feeling.

And it felt good. Nothing fancy, just us. And it was more then enough.

[amorhuecovacio]

As a 26 year old who didn't belong to any clan yet, I had found myself in the mistrusting, commitment issue having, lone wolf category by default.

Which was ironic for someone who considered herself an extrovert. In my world, connection and people were important. They we're sources of growth, inspiration and perspectives to widen my own horizons with.

Yet in the end, I found myself terrified of almost every single one of them.

By 26 I had put my trust in the wrong people one to many times and my utopic optimism had turned into a somewhat bitter realism.

I was hopeful to become more optimistic along my healing path but no longer underestimated the time this road could take or that it could have no ending at all.

Instead I started to look for real solutions, like writing, therapy or even an Ayahuasca session.

It felt as if I found a small candle on the dark road I was on, and unsure of how long it's flame would last, hesitant to put it on and see where I was really at. I was about to light it.

[amorhuecovacio]

And so ,

On January 30'th of 2021 I decided to start writing again. This wouldn't be my first attempt, but I was hoping it would be my last. I've always found it hard to keep a steady record, somewhere along the road, the story became to complicated or painful to tell. And so I'd give up.

I'd give up without even really trying to decipher my chapter.

That might not sound like a dream opening, but it seemed more important to be realistic then optimistic. It was about time I'd stop mystifying my story and tell it as it is, and maybe that would make it easier to continue.

So, today I didn't do jack shit. I've been going through some depressive episodes and besides from being empty, I had been sick for the last two days. Feeling better today but not enough to actually mean shit to the world.

I'd been binge-watching sex and the city and wondering how they're ever going to remake it without Samantha. It seemed impossible and therefor repelled any craving to even watch it.

Besides that, I'd been reading left and right for ten minutes because that's as long as my attention span allows it. I'd noticed that these days it was harder and harder to sit down and give my full attention to something. The screens around me had been way to active and their easy dopamine release had gotten me hooked. Luckily the emptiness keeping me from sleeping at night motivated me to get rid of that addiction. So although for now the battle was still going on, addressing it made me optimistic about the outcome.

Maybe now that I'd given myself permission to write again and see what was going on in my mind I had allowed myself to asset it? It was no longer just cooped up in my head, it was black and white on paper and my brain could finally and literally look at it from another perspective.

Maybe, this time. I wouldn’t be a quitter.

[amorhuecovacio]

First entry

So, online journal why not. Forgot the password of my old TUMBLR, insert broken heart here. Doesn’t matter, still have huecovacio to look at and that makes me happy.

Woke up to some anime, with amazing bosanova music, insert smiley here.

My best friend told me i’m manicly depressed yesterday, but that it’s not that bad, sounds bad he said but it’s still les worse then bipolar, that made me lol.

Guess it doesn’t sound that far fetched though, growing up with a depressed mother who often beat the shit out of me and a father that wasn’t in the picture, I could see how some of that crazyness rubbed off on me. Thinking about how I’m going to deal with it from now on.  On the bright side, manic depressed people experience great highs, wondering if theres a way to stay in these highs. It’s true that when I feel good, nothing can bring me down, like nothing. I mean it, try dying while i’m happy i’ll find an upside to it.

Just as i’m finding an upside to being manicly depressed now lol. 

I wanna embrace me, i’m all i got at the end of the day right? I want me and me to be okay, and i wan’t to know that I too have value, regardless of my mood swings. I think I’m a good person, but in the end we all think that, I want confirmation. 

I wanna be able to make someone’s day like huecovacio did. Every day with him was bliss even the shitty days, wouldn’t trade in those memories for anything in the whole wide world.

I guess with this  I wanna say Hi , I’m crazy but that’s not the worst thing to be as a person and this is my journal.