DOWNFALL OF ALCIBIADES @amouraie - Tumblr Blog

I hope we’re still friends, I hope you don’t mind.

If it doesn’t make me want to write about it, what’s the point.

In King Park when the line is can I still get into heaven if I kill myself.

As if I could stand in front of the mirror and ask myself, desperately, “what are you missing? what have you lost ?” I’m scared of what reflects. I have lost the gifts given to me. I will only further spurn you.

It’s no big surprise you turned out this way.

i’m losing myself trying to keep you loving me

i think the fruits of my love show themselves sometimes.

if i cannot be loved i can at least love harder than anyone who came before me and anyone who comes after me. this can be an exhausting way to live, because often it will feel like your love is never replenished. but to know that i have made someone feel their weight in love, to learn what it means to be adored and thought of, it makes it worth every bit of myself that i lose in the process. i love like how i would want to be loved, and if i cant have it, then i can make it happen for someone else. i wonder if you felt it. i like to imagine one day i’ll go mad after i’ve run out of love to give. or it’ll engulf me so heavily and i’ll kill myself after i realize i’m incapable of loving as hard as i want to. in a fit of passion and rage i’ll claw my still beating heart out of my chest and curse it for everything it’s done to me. and then i’ll die. and i’ll go wherever death leads me, knowing i never once held my love back. not for any person, thing, or object on this planet.

i still think about and miss nara. he’s probably the reason for my unrealistic expectations of love, but his crazy way of showing it never failed.

i asked edna if he was coming back.

she said no.

if i convince myself to move on what will i do? more worried about me than the time i can wait for you. hope is the string keeping you close and when it’s cut, do we go our separate ways? i thought it would stop and it didn’t, so if i end on a mistake like my last relationship, then i’ve made the same mistake twice. once is an accident. twice is a fool. three times, guess we’ll see, but i’m bound to see it through.

“I am angry at my own sentimental weakness. I feel at certain moments a bottomless giving, an indifference to how much is taken away, but at times I have rebellions and my possessive instinct is aroused and then I am angry at myself, furious (the scorpion eats its own tail).”

today would’ve been nara and i’s two year anniversary.

there’s a lot to be said.

i’ve had time to think, a lot of it. i’ve got a head like a prison and thoughts bounce off the walls with no room to escape.

i can feel it getting bad again. me, my heart, my head. when i look in the mirror i feel like my face will distort because i don’t recognize him. i’m trying to contain what won’t be held down, but it’ll come to a head eventually. i’m just afraid of when and how. i already fear the worst because it’s what i’ve been telling myself for the past few days. i don’t have a support system. it hasn’t been like this in a long time. i’m trying to numb myself, i’ll feel okay for an hour or two and then it’s all back. feels like what i would imagine darkness to feel like. there’s a tiny me in my head somewhere sitting in the corner like a frightened child and he’s ripping his hair at his roots. scratches down his face. i feel it on mine too. i need to feel love now more than ever and i don’t. i find myself battling bouts of extreme unhappiness. i have to take it day by day, minute by minute— right?

i’ve been scared, insecure, and afraid. something in my head keeps trying to convince me that i’m no longer loved, needed... no longer thought about. no longer fun, interesting, or worthy of being desired. i couldn’t explain the level of undesireability i’ve been battling with. it shouldn’t be like this, i shouldn’t be like this. i want this moment to end. i’m afraid i’m going to lose what i’ve wanted the most.

you’ve lost your touch haven’t you, shon? i know you’re somewhere in there. i’ll always remind myself of who the fuck i am. it’s all i’ve got. it’s all i can rely on. me.

Feeling like I’m alone in this world and that’s okay. I’ve come back from worse, and I’ve got me.

I can’t get rid of this anxiety mark on my skin and I’m feeling it burn with every passing moment.

Breathing shouldn’t be this conscious.

i’m sorry.

i’ve been so hypocritical.

it’s because i know how i am that i’m scared you’re anything like me.

maybe it’s guilt.

I’m sorry I don’t write to you anymore. I’ve paid you in dust when you’ve given me gold. I started an entry before.. it went a bit like this.

I care about very little and think about few, all well, except for you.

and that’s about it.

I had incentives to write before, readers to please. I never learned to do things for myself. When surviving comes down to life or death, you focus on the priorities and forget how to live for your own happiness.

I re-read my last entry about my ex in August 2018. I can’t remember such profound sadness like the one I had written about. Now, I’m somewhere else. Feeling something else. Sometimes it’s love, lots of it. Sometimes it’s this coldness I’ve never experienced before. For a while now, I’ve noticed I am steadily distancing myself from the people in my life. It was an unconscious decision I made. I got busy, and I just never recovered. I haven’t properly spoken to Ahri in ages, I know she’s thinking about me. Edna joked asking me who I was today, I don’t feel like I can ask her how she is anymore. I left Julian and Komu on read, two people who always look out for me. Tom is... somewhere, doing something. Kiha hasn’t seen me for two weeks and he hasn’t bothered me, he never would, he’s understanding. I can barely speak to Katsu anymore, I really thought we’d get close for a while there. I don’t know where Seho went. Even new people who approach me are barely given a chance.

Though I won’t fault myself for that. I’ve always been like that.

The most prevailing feeling I have is that all my bonds are weak. I know that I can always reach out to these people but that feeling is there again. Something is missing. Some internal cog in my machine has stopped working. When was the last time I talked about my feelings to someone who wasn’t Kaede?

Ahri? When I went to complain? How shitty.

I don’t know what to do with my feeble relationships.

Somethings got to change.

#050219

unhappy

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