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Sit back and read the nonsense of a British Bastard as he prattles on an on about things.

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Christmas 2025 - Day 2 - Red One (2024)

On the second day of Christas, my true love gave to me...

...two creepy creatures!

So, some time has clearly passed since we saw our traditional Christmas Horror opener and it really is a tale as old of time; procrastination gets the better of me and my dreams of a dozen holiday specials seem to vanish in the haze. But, by golly, we're not going to set a new record low. We need to at least reach two entries and if we're looking for another entry, as a famous TV puppet once said; I've got a big Red One.

See, that was going to be the acommpanying message when I pimped this on Twitter but that kind of obscure reference needs pride of place.

But yes, Red One, also from the space year 2024 same as was Terrifier 3 only Red One wasn't nearly as succesful. Well, obviously it was given it's box office but relatively speaking…nah. Terrifier did a $90m box office on a $2m budget whereas Red One did $185m on a $200-250m budget. Not ideal for those involved.

And who was involved exactly? Why, The Rock of course! We're two for two so far on wrestler movies. Which can mean only one thing…The Rock recap! What's he been up to lately?

Oh-ho-ho! Is funny because he hasn't been up to anything! Yeah, he kinda cut the legs out from under the Cena heel turn a little bit by vanishing off the face of the Earth. That initial segment, all timer. But since then, opinions are very much mixed. At least it brought us Cena and Cody stinking up the place in the main event of Wrestlemania which, to be fair, stinking out the main event at Mania has been pretty much the norm for the past 10-15 years or so. At least all those baby face Roman Reigns matches didn't bring us random Travis Scott appearances though. You know, until he vanished as well. Albeit, that's more down to him falling out with the company. Quite frankly, there's only one Cactus Jack we recognise around these parts. Those J1 and J4 sneakers are pretty cool though.

They really were banking on this being a star studded affair to draw in the crowds. Aside from The Rock we have Chris Evans as the fellow protaganist, with J.K Simmons and Lucy Liu is lesser roles. Now, as much as I do like J.K Simmons, dating back to his role in Oz and of course as J. Jonah Jameson (I was throughly marking out at his cameo in Far From Home), I don't know if he's a great Santa. He's just a little too gruff and, much like most of this movie, too macho. I'm not buying him as the sentimentel type talking about love, peace and goodwill to all men.

Nor do I get this from Dwayne either in his role as Callum Drift, essentially Santa's bodyguard, who is leaving the job after becoming disinfranchised with the whole season. Seems more and more people end up on the naughty list and it's as if they just don't even care. Again, I think my perception of The Rock just overrides how this character is trying to come across because Rock just seems like a bit of a prick? Like, outwardly he tries to portray himself as this nice guy but I'm sure behind the scenes that's not always the case.

Chris Evans' character, Jack O'Malley, is a bit of an anti hero too, a hacker who sells information to the highest bidder and it just so happens that his latest job, unbeknownst to him, is helping someone track down Santa's secret North Pole complex.

Drift smell a rat and goes to check on Santa but is just seconds too late as he sees shadowy figures escape from Santa's room. Naturally he doesn't think twice about giving chase and promptly leaps from this extremely tall building. I just hope it works out better for him than when I saw him do that with Samuel L Jackson…

In order to track Santa down, the North Pole get a lead on O'Malley and promptly snatch him up for further questioning. He's a little sceptical as to all this Santa and ELF business. Not the little creatures who help Santa, but E.L.F. Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification.

And as if Rocky wasn't enough to intimidate him, they also have a bipedal Polar Bear for some reason. It's kind of interesting they have all these animals and creatures around the place as minor characters, adds to the whole world building but it also blindsides you a little at times. He just wanders back into a scene from time to time and you kinda forget they have an 8 foot tall polar bear as an incidental character.

THERE IT IS! IT'S THE BEARHUG! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE END OF THE MOVIE, HE HAS HIM IN THE BEARHUG! I CAN NO LONGER BEAR THE SUSPENSE!

So O'Malley and Drift are forced to form a superstar tag team to try and track down the culprits. This intially leads them to the guy that bought the info from O'Malley, but even he was just a pawn for someone else, the winter witch Gryla who wants to truly punish the naughty. She posseses this one dude like she's the Undertaker and he's Josh Mathews, sending a message that no one better get in her way.

And to prove she's serious she sends her evil Snowman henchmen to dispatch O'Malley and Drift. Snowman who emerge from the sea in an ice cream truck and brandish ice based glaives. Not going to lie, these guys are pretty cool, no pun intended.

Does kind of undermine them a bit when their one weakness is you ripping their carrots off their face.

Gryla's ultimate plan though is to mass produce Glaskäfigs, an all powerful snow globe that will imprison everyone on the naughty list. She got this from her ex, Krampus, it's a long story.

So, our heroes head out to find Santa's estranged brother to try and enlist his help. Unfortunately, he's too busy enjoying Krampusnacht to care. Technically, it's not actually Krampusnacht but, much like Rusev Day, every day is Krampusnacht to him.

And he enjoys the festivities by engaging in a little Powerslap. After catching O'Malley trying to steal some gold, Krampus plans to imprison them forever but they manage to escape and Drift even uses his special powers of making toys real to serve as a distraction by using a couple of Rock Em Sock Em robots to use as meat shields. That is, until the inevitable…

You knocked his block off!

When Drift checks back in with the North Pole, Mrs Claus is naturally worried sick but is keeping her mind off things by making Santa a fresh batch of Macaroons. But Drift is on to them, Santa hates Macroons. Turns out these evil doers are shape shifters and have taken over the North Pole. Just picture that scene from Terminator 2 where Arnie puts on John Connor's voice and gives his foster mother the wrong name for the dog, only this time the T-1000 doesn't have someone impaled to a wall.

Our heroes go to face Gryla only to find her disguise slip and her true 60 ft form revealed. Even Krampus shows up to help out, I do love that trope of someone reluctantly coming around to help just when it seems all hope is lost.

But it's Santa who has the last laugh when he uses his Dragon shout to summon the reindeers who promptly take turns goring Gryla until she falls into the magic snowglobes and ends up imprisoned herself. Thus, Christmas is saved forever and Drift cheerfully withdraws his resignation letter. Truly, the Christmas miracle we were all hoping for.

Overall, Red One is a perfectly decent movie but I'm not overly surprised that it was met with a fairly uniform 'meh' upon release. It feels like it's stuck in the middle of what it's trying to be; a little too cutesy to be this grown up Christmas action movie but also a little too adult to be a kid friendly festive romp. None of the characters come across as particuarly likeable, be it O'Malley on his moral redemption or Drift going through this crisis of confidence for the spirit of the season. Still, the movie does serve up enough action to keep things entertaining throughout, be it the snowmen fight or the daring escape from Krampus' lair.

And it's not really done much for Rocky's ongoing career, lot of iffy results in the last few years for him between The Smashing Machine, Black Adam, Red Notice, Jungle Cruise… He just needs to keep pumping out those Jumanji and Fast… movies I guess.

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Christmas 2025 - Day 1 - Terrifier 3 (2024)

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

...a mute clown having a pee!

Oh the weather outside is...well, raining mostly, but that's jolly old England for you. We'll save the snow for a random day in February where the whole country will shutdown because of it. But yes, December has finally arrived and that can only mean another fruitless attempt for me to reach my already trimmed 12 festive specials. We managed a whopping 4 in October so we're already off to a good start this year.

As always, we must start by linking to the Horror-a-thon and this year we do so by fulfilling the prophecy of returning to the twisted world of Terrifier. For, as Noddy Holder and Slade learned all those years ago, the real money's in Christmas so it's only natural to dress Art the Clown up in a Santa outfit.

But first, as is also tradition, it's time for the wrestler recap!

Our old pal Chris Jericho, following his cameo at the end of 2, makes his showstopping return here and is killed off fairly quickly but that gives us a chance to do review what he's been up to lately ala those CM Punk movies.

Answer is, not much really? It's a little difficult because I'm very in and out on AEW, pretty much just the PPV's at this point, but we'll try nontheless. When we last visited Terrifier he was part way into his Learning Tree gimmick which continued through into 2025 and even saw him pick up a second ROH World title reign. The group disbanded back in April when Jericho lost the title and he's been off TV ever since. Rumours would point to him being WWE bound for a last hurrah and retirement tour (ala one John Cena) and that Tony Khan has seemingly learned to jettison people from TV when they're winding down their contract rather than keep them being booked strong until they turn up on RAW or Smackdown ala Andrade El Idolo. Let's hope that guy doesn't turn up in any horror movies because the way he hops between jobs we could be here all day.

Anyway, it's bloody Christmas innit! As far fetched as it might seem, I think this kinda does make a lot of sense in that Art is always carrying that bag around so it's not that much of a stretch to tie that to Santa. One thing I would have liked to see them do, and they do sort of kind of touch upon it somewhat, is the idea of Sienna drawing that parralel as well. In the fullness of the story it does seem like see actually saw Art dressed as Santa and promptly freaked out about it, but I think it would have been cool to play up how she's trying to re-intigrate after coming out of the institution but is having these flashbacks from seeing mall Santa's carrying sacks around. She is shown as seeing as seeing her dead friend from 2, whether that's down to her PTSD or some sort of guilt, so it would have added to a sense of 'unreliable narrator' if she was crying wolf at every fat guy in a red suit. But maybe that's my 'shades of grey' bias talking again.

One of the interesting takeaways from this movie…

My boy Clint Howard is here!

Or is it Marky Mark from Flight Risk?

Clint Howard just keeps popping up around here, like his appearances in Santa With Muscles or Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 and 5. Speaking of which, the new remake is out this year so spoiler alert for Day 1 2026. The guy who played Corey Cunningham in Halloween Ends is the new Billy so that's neat.

Jonathan Shaw also returns from Terrifier 2 and is in college despite looking about 12 years old.

Cartoon brutality is on display as ever, the first movie had a girl being split in half from her vag so, in an act of gender parity, Art does the same to a dude this time. Art is an equal opportunity murderer after all. Nice to see Christmas Tor again, wouldn't want to risk upsetting anyone with a male presenting bottom would we?

For all his sins, Art is pretty funny at times, I did get a chuckle at him repeatedly slapping Sienna in the back of the head everytime he walked past her in the finale. Or when he's eavesdropping on the college kids and the podcast girl name drops him as one of the most evil serial killers of all time and he acts bashful.

The complete disparity in tone sometimes is another big off putter for me. You can go from this evil killer clown and his demonic side kick brutally murdering people, then she's shoving a shard of glass up her vag or he's doing blood angels whilst 'A Terrifier Christmas' plays in the background. The franchise never feels like it's getting anywhere close to being horror comedy so these sort of things just feel like whiplash when they come along.

He also continues to have worse morals than a lot of the classic Slasher icons in that he has no remorse about murdering kids. Like, in the first five minutes he's taking an axe to some poor boy as he's in his bed waiting for Santa. Apparently that had a bunch of people vomiting in the cinemas over here? That scene was pretty tame by Terrifier standards. And, really, I don't know why they were so shocked considering they were at a Terrifier movie of all things, let alone the third one. You're not watching that in the cinema without a lot of knowledge on exactly what this is and what you're likely to see.

There's also a big scene later on when he pretends to be a mall Santa and ends up bombing the display. I've talked before about my favourite trope of 'bad things that happen to Santa whilst kids are present' (still need a snappier name), now this is the inverse; ''bad things that happen to kids whilst Santa is present'.

Which, as sort of depraved as this sounds, is a strong point for the whole franchise where no one is safe. Aside from Sienna, there's no one around here who has plot immunity which, as mentioned during Terrifier 2, does add a lot of tension to the whole thing.

There's a lot of overt Christianty symbolism at the end of the movie, with Sienna being some sort of Christ analogue. I mean, she's litereally wearing a thorny crown at one point, a sort of kind of stigmata thing with her hands but not really, someone crucified on the wall, another character being literally sent to Hell, Sienna still having enough willpower to resist the Demon despite pretty much losing everything and everyone she ever loved arguably being a metaphor for the power of faith…you see, these God botherers would probably look down on this film but clearly Damien Leone is as much of a God fearing man as the rest of you!

And, unfortunately, as much as I am kinda torn on this series, they do have me on the hook now so I'll be waiting for the 4th one so we can see Sienna's adventures into Hell or whatever the fuck is going to happen there. Ultimately though, I kinda am coming down on the side of this whole franchise being for the sickos. It's probably being a bit rich to say that being a horror enjoyer given that everyone movie going is bound to have copious amounts of blood and gore but I don't think any of them revel in quite so much as Terrifier.

Terrifier 1 I didn't like, 2 I did, this falls somewhere in the middle. 2 definitely benefited from me having super low expectations, whereas this was then dealing with heightened expectations that it was going to struggle to live up to. Still, them slowly eeking out more lore is cool in that we're not getting a big exposition dump that tries to explain everything all at once, we're slowly getting a deeper insight into the lore of the Terrifier universe as we go along and it's obviously beneficial for those behind the movies because they can keep stringing us along for more sequels. And it's something that's paying off for them thus far because this did all sorts of money this time last year.

I do have to give the franchise credit in that it makes me feel something, something I've struggled to put my finger on. These sequels are ones I've gone into with a sense of dread almost, 2 moreso because I came off a bad experience with the first but even here I had this immense hesitation in sitting down to watch it. The best I can pinpoint is that it's a mix of futility that I touched on last year in that Art can never truly die, and it just has this really meanspirited tone to the whole thing. That's possibly an understatement but it does kinda feel like a more extreme version of what I get with the Christmas movies like Christmas with the Kranks or Four Christmases.

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Halloween 2025 - Day 4 - M3GAN (2022)

The most evil Megan since Markle...

I remember there being a big buzz around this at the time it came out but I was a bit resistant to it, seeing it as being a bit of a knock off of the Child's Play reboot. So what better way to get over one movie I saw as quite derivative than to watch another I had written off as being derivative?! The interesting thing at the start of this movie is that it goes through about half a dozen different studios and production companies that had input on the film which I guess isn't massively unusual, but I think because of the…unique nature of the commercial that opens the movie (which we'll come to in a second), I think it made me think that they were fake or something? Or maybe because I've become so used to seeing AI slop everywhere that it made me question them. But yeah, this advert for what is basically a Furby only if someone made them for the brianrot generation. Absolute banger of an opening hook.

"I had a dog, she was my only friend But she got old and died, now I'm alone again"

And if you feed it too much, it shits. I remember those real adverts for dolls that you could feed with a bottle and then it would piss itself, just really weird. This segues into the actual meat and potatos of the story, with young Cady (I've been calling her Katie this whole time, what an idiot!) playing with her Perpetual Pet in the back of the car whilst her parents drive the family to their ski trip. Only, they get caught in the middle of a snowstorm where they get hit by one of those big snowplows and killed. Pretty sure that was straight out of The Changeling, minus the shitting toy.

That is a cool shot, the way the lights of the snow plow suddenly pierce through the haze of the snowstorm. Kinda like looking into the deadlights.

Following the demise of her parents, Cady goes to live with her aunt Gemma, who is played by blog alumni Allison Williams (who was in Get Out). She also apparently played Kate Middleton at one point and, yeah, I can kinda see the resemblance there. Apparently the kid who plays Cady was in Doctor Sleep as well so alumni point for you too.

Gemma works at the toy company who makes the Furby knockoff but she's much more interested in building her secret prototype; the model 3 generative android or M3GAN for short. Pretty sure I fought a boss like this in Lies of P. Things are a bit frosty between Cady and Gemma, Cady naturally being a bit closed off after being utterly traumatised and Gemma not really being cut out for having motherhood thrust upon her. They get visited by a court mandated therapist who's reporting back on whether this is a good home for Cady, only to give major side eye when she's told that Cady isn't allowed to play with the toys on Gemma's shelves because they're collectibles. Frankly, I feel attacked. If I want to buy an action figure and keep it mint in box, that's my choice lady. I can emulate Super Nintendo games on my smart fridge, I don't need a Super Nintendo Classic Edition to actually play with it, it just looks neat on a shelf to have a mini SNES there. I had to wait out scalpers for that thing, goddamnit.

So, as a bit of a 'killing two birds with one stone' move, Gemma introduces Cady to a functional M3GAN both as a means to help pitch it to her boss and also as a coping mechanism for Cady.

M3GAN is very classy, always dressed like some 50's styles icon, with people like Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly being big inspirations for her look. Much less utilitarian than the robot Gemma built in college that she keeps around at home and can be operated through these special gloves. He's like a way more advanced Robosapien, remember those things? M3GAN is more than just some simple toy though, she's like a sister to Cady and becomes something of a crutch for Gemma. When Gemma isn't capable of doing all that Mum stuff, M3GAN is there. When Cady needs to be read a bedtime story, someone to play with or to be reminded for the tenth goddamn time today to remember to flush the toilet…M3GAN is there. And that's where we start going down the dark path, I mentioned the Child's Play reboot to start with and this really does hit a lot of the same beats as that movie but where Child's Play spun off into more of a jelaously angle where Chucky got upset that the kid went off and made real friends, whereas here Cady becomes almost too attached to M3GAN and starts throwing tantrums and even turns violent at one point when told she can't play with M3GAN anymore. Very much a not so sublte commentary on modern parenting, with kids left in the guardianship of their phone, iPad or TV. We even get that hyper logical sense of protection in M3GAN that Chucky had, even if that means killing the neighbour's dog or even the neighbour herself. It's implied that M3GAN being attacked by the dog is what screws her up and essentially flips her evil switch to 'ON' but maybe that's just a coincidence, maybe it's just the ever escelating capabilities in M3GAN and her development and understand branching off in ever more dangerous ways. Like, by the end of the movie it seems like M3GAN is just capable of controlling technology around her. Chuckly did have this to a degree but that was tied into his duel purpose of being a home automation device so it kinda made sense that he was patched in with everything. There's not an immediately obvious explination here, other than it again being this unspoken display of her powers, which is infinitely more worrying. In general M3GAN is very creepy and deeply unsettling, very much in that whole uncanny valley, and that's before she turns evil. When they do crank that up…ooh boy.

That scene when she starts chasing the boy that's bullying Cady, getting down on all fours to run after him…pretty intense.

Or when she confronts the neighbour and almost seems to raise up like a ghost through the floor. Given that this is where M3GAN starts to rack up a body count, it's all actually rather tame. There is violence throughout but most of the actual murdering is cut away from. I don't think the movie loses out from that though and if it helped the movie studio secure that PG-13 rating and a few extra million dollars, go get that bag.

Even when she stabs two dudes to death, sure you see the bloody corpses from afar but you don't see her actually doing it. Though, I do like the absurdity here that she's trying to frame this one guy as a murder-suicide because he was really put upon by his boss and colleagues. The fuck do you need to frame someone for?

The big finale gets absurdity points as well when Cady comes into save the day at the last minute by donning the college robot gloves to have him fight for her like this is Real Steel. Man, I really enjoyed this one. I was worried that going in with that pre-conception about it might make me start looking for things to hate but potentially it just helped lower my expectation which it easily cleared. Ultimately, yes it was similar to Child's Play but where I think this differs to The Conjuring is that I actually grew to care about these characters, I felt sympathy for Cady/Gemma and was invested in them. Whereas The Conjuring was generic Mum and Dad alongside like 5 interchangable kids. M3GAN 2.0 came out earlier this year so that's definitely on the list for another horror-a-thon down the line. And apparently there's an erotic thriller due out next year in the franchise? Because, as we all know, the first man who create's a robot is gonna want to fuck it…

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Halloween 2025 - Day 3 - The Conjuring (2013)

Because apparently someone did manage to make a succesful shared Horror Universe, take that Universal...

I hadn't planned for a 'The' double this early but I misjudged the name of War of the Worlds. Most of the others such as the Spielberg and 2025 ones are just 'War of the Worlds' but the OG has a 'The' so here we are. This is a subject we've sort of touched upon before in a roundabout way as a big focus of the movie is on Ed and Lorraine Warren, paranormal investigators who are roped in to helping a family who have moved into a house with all manner of spooky shit going down. But this isn't just some made up story for the big screen, this is an adaptation of real life events that Ed and Lorraine went through, with some of their other investigations forming the later entries within The Conjuring shared universe. Which, yeah, that seems like a real solid idea for one of these things; take some paranormal investigators and use their stories to make into horror movies. But they're not just some randomers, they've been involved in some notable cases in their time, chief amongst them is the Amityville case and that's one I covered back in 2022. You see, you see how it all ties together?

This film is based on their time with the Perron family back in 1971 when the family move into a home that is haunted by a witch from the 19th century. Lorraine Warren even makes a brief cameo in this movie during a talk given by the fictional version of herself, how meta.

But the intro to the movie is yet another one of their cases, that of Annabelle, a possesed doll. This is a little bit jarring given the doll has little to no involvement in the movie so it feels a bit disjointed that the movie starts jumping between the doll, the Warrens and the Perrons but I suppose you could say it's building up the Warren's and establising their positions as demonologists. And it serves as a nice little 'if you know, you know' nod to people watching the movie who might be familiar with their story. But the more cynical part of me can't help but think they're essentially backdoor piloting or sequel baiting in the opening scene of the goddamn movie which, actually, part of me kinda respects for the sheer cheek of doing that. And ultimately it's paid off for them because they've had 9 films within the past 12 years, including last month's The Conjuring: Last Rites, which whilst not trying to skip ahead, makes me wonder if that's a not so subtle way of indicating it's wrapping up the series. Not like putting 'last' or 'final' in a horror movie title ever actually meant it was the last…

In the movie it's shown that they keep a little mueseum of sorts in their home of all the interesting items they've collected during their investigations over the years, including keeping Annabelle in a locked cabinet with a sternly writtne warning on it to never let her out under any circumstances. Which, I dunno, feels a little wreckless to me? Like, oh, we did this investigation and discovered the ultimate evil has manifested itself within the doll, what should we do with it? Keep it in a locked vault somewhere? Bury it twelve feet underground encased in concrete? Fire it into space? Nah, let's just keep it in the spare room. What if your kid gets bored one day and feels like having a look? Hell, what if you're dusting and accidentally knock it over?

Going back to Amityville though, having that link almost highlights further the shortcomings of this movie which strikes me as relatively average. It's not bad by any stretch of the imagination but it feels very derivative of what has come before it, a family terrorised by a spook within their home and in their desperation they look for someone to help them. See Amityville or Poltergeist. With Amityville, you had that strong performance for James Brolin as the father and the slow burn of him seemingly going insane. There is something similar here with the mother being possesed by the end but it does come a bit out of nowhere.

Still, the finale does build up pretty well with the spectacle of her exorcism. She's spewing blood all over the place, trying to bite a cop's face off, firing his gun with some sort of telekinesis, levitating…it's nuts.

And it's not so much the power of Christ compels you, moreso the power of love as she's emplored to fight off the demon from within, to remember the love of her family and a special day on the beach she treats as her happy place which manages to bring her back from the brink.

The final shot is kind of interesting too, a reflection of their room in a music box that is featured during the movie and allows one of the characters to see a ghost. So you're sat there looking into the reflection trying to make something out, expecting a jump scare but then…nothing? Was there something or is the movie just bluffing me? So yeah, a fairly decent watch as it kept me engaged to see how everything would play out but there's not really anything fresh her, just the usual haunted house/exorcism fare you've seen before accompanied by the standard jump scares and loud noises you'd expect. And I guess their trick worked with Annabelle because I am kind of curious to see where they're going with that? Looks like there's 3 movies centered around her so maybe I'll pick up on that another year, though it looks like that first one is pretty much the worst reviewed movie in the franchise so that's something to look forward to…

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Halloween 2025 - Day 2 - The War of the Worlds (1953)

The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one But still they come...

Okay, I'll be the first to hold my hands up and admit that we're really stretching the whole 'horror-adjacent' nature of this here marathon. I think by most any metric this is a sci-fi film but, hey, every man and his dog was dunking on the Ice Cube version a few weeks back but we don't go for the real low hanging fruit. That's why we still haven't seen Sharknado on here. And since I've never seen the original, why not? I mean, I think I've seen clips of a scene where they're hiding in a basement and one of the aliens is stalking it's way through looking for them, that's pretty proto-slasher villain, right?

Apparently there's been all sorts of re-tellings of this, it passing into the public domain obviously helped that which is why we actually had 3 versions released in 2005; the big Spielberg adaption, one from The Asylum and then an independent one that is said to be more horror. I didn't realise The Asylum then did a sequel to theirs, for some reason seeing the title The War of the Worlds 2 just amuses me. I guess because even if I haven't seen this before, I know it by reputation and H.G Wells by reputation as well as one of the bedrocks of science fiction writing. Plus there's a Superman comic based on this? And The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? And an RTS based on the aforementioned Jeff Wayne musical? The game of the musical of the book is a heck of development path.

The prologue of the movie is a bit Goldilocks and the Three Bears as it outlines the Martians quest to find a new home planet. Pluto is too cold, Mercury is too hot but Earth was juuuuust right. And so a lone starship crashes to Earth, seemingly an initial scout sent to check everything out before beckoning the rest of his mates.

What we find is one of those 50's, 60's movies I like where everything is just overly nice and quaint, or where everyone is kind of fast talking. Plus is has that sense of colour to it that I like from movies of this era. But it has that sort of backward character development where the only female character of any note is little more than a damsel in distress who becomes the defacto love interest of our main character within five minutes of meeting him and spends half the movie screaming. Now, granted, she has good reason to but still. There is one moment later on where it felt like he was seconds away from slapping her due to how hysterical she was being but he manages to stay his hand.

The ship crash landing looks more like a meteor and draws the attention of everyone in the nearby town as they all flock to the crash site. One guy has the bright idea to prod it with his shovel and even gives it a mighty whack. Smart bunch around here, clearly…

Our protaganist, Dr. Clayton Forrester, arrives on site to try and assess the situation and his giger counter starts going nuts. This suck is nuclear!

Whatever has crashed here is far too hot for anyone to look at so they decide to leave it to cool down. Meanwhile, they all go to the local dance. See what I mean about quaint? Bunch of grown ass people drinking Coka from bottles with straws. Maybe this was in still in a time period where they frowned upon showing mass drinking or something?

At the crash site, someone on top of the meteor starts to unscrew leaving the few night watchmen left deeply unsettled. They get over it quickly though when they figure they can become famous for being the welcoming crew for these new alien overlords and promptly approach waving the white flags to show they're friendly.

Red light spells danger…

And, yeah, it doesn't work out too well.

It is interesting to see a unique design like this, grey aliens are very much a cliche when it comes to alien design and with this being from the golden age of sci-fi, I did have a pre-conception that they might be what I would see here. Like, this is such a big movie in the genre I could easily see this being the genesis of that cliche. But what we see throughout are these flying machines with the periscope looking things on top, creepily looking around to survey the area, their lights blinking and this intense, pulsing sound that really drives the tension in this initial scene when we're not sure of what their intentions are.

Though, I think based on seeing the aforementioned album, I was expecting giant mechanical beings with twenty feet long legs kinda like the Striders in Half Life 2. I think they're more like in that 2005 Spielberg version?

When the army are called, they setup an initial outpost to monitor the situation only for a local priest to figure that maybe they need to try being friendly with the aliens. He was probably just excited that he had a new audience to try and spread the good word of our Lord Jesus Christ to.

Who could be possibly scared of these guys though, look how cute they are! This little spy scope they use to look around looks like it has a sad face on it.

Ah, the aforementioned stalking scene and yeah, that does create a very tense atmosphere as you just see the shadow crawl across the wall.

As part of Earth's ongoing defense efforts, they try everything in their powers to fight the Martians but their efforts don't even scratch the surface. It's like they have a force field around them, no bullet or tank shell can even get past. But what if we…

NUKE THE BASTARDS!

This doesn't work either and with the aliens approaching LA, the government make the announcement to evacuate and re-group in the mountains which is where a group of scientists are due to meet and try and research a way to stop the Martians.

Only they're left to fend for themselves and on the drive over get promptly jumped by an angry mob who are in the middle of looting the place whilst looking for a vehicle to get the hell out of town. So amongst this alien invading force, it was man's inhumanity to man that sealed it's fate, it's last defense against it's potential conquerors dragged from their cars and their scientific instruments robbed. I ask you, who are the real evil ones around here?!

And so we're left with this remarkbly bleak finale in which Dr. Forrester is roaming L.A which looks like London in 28 Days Later, desperatey looking for his female companion and the other scientists. What he finds is the last refuge of the desperate, seeking refuge in various churches in their final moments as they stare down the barrell of their own fragile mortality.

When he finally does find Sylvia, they spend their last moments entwined in each others arms, covered in the dust and smoke as the church shudders violently around them from the volleys of Martian fire. I have to give this movie props for having the balls for going for such a downer ending.

…is what I would be saying if they didn't tack on one of the most stupidest endings I've ever seen as seconds before sealing their fate, the Martian ship promptly keels over and dies as we're told that for all their defenses against our slings and arrows, the one thing the Martian's didn't count on was the pathegens that humanity has mostly grown immune to over thousands of years of recorded history. So, essentially, the aliens caught the flu and died.

What a bunch of shit. Never mind the fact that it's heavily implied to be an act of God, with the voice over basically saying that God works in mysterious ways because it was the smallest and most humblest of his creations that ultimately saved the world, it's just such an anti-climatic ending that comes out of nowhere that it almost feels like more of a gut punch than humanity being wiped out would have been.

I guess it's just really weird to me that something that's seen as such a huge part of sci-fi in both the literary and cinematic worlds, has such a monumentaly stupid ending to it. I'm curious if it's on where people say '95% of this is really good, just ignore the ending' or if I'm just the exception who thinks this is dumb and everyone else loves it.

And this isn't to shit on the movie as a whole, it's pretty good and certainly does a good job of building to a crescendo where it truly feels like the Earth is fucked. But it's almost like they wrote themselves into a corner with it and had to end on this big, wet fart in the last few seconds in order to undo everything and deliver the happy Hollywood ending.

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Halloween 2025 - Day 1 - Late Night with the Devil (2023)

Pleased to meet you Hope you guess my name

The nights are growing longer, the Pumpkin Spice Latte syrup is getting dusted off and Spotify is trying to heavily advertise it's Christmas playlists to me which can mean only one thing…it's October again! Actually, they've been doing that last one for a little while now, losing Whamageddon on September 22nd is perhaps a new personal best. In a rare bit of admin news, upon going to upload these images to Imgur as I normally do, I was met with news that I was blocked from accessing that site. Have they too cracked down on the barest glimpse of bare skin as our Tumblr overlords did many moons ago? Well, no, instead they're the latest site caught in the crossfire of the UK government trying to save the children by blocking all the more interesting parts of the internet. As is my basic understanding, the government was like "You need to follow our rules." and Imgur was like "The fuck we do, we're not a UK company." and told the UK precisely where they could stick their fines. Guess I'll just have to use a VPN to access Imgur of all things, until those are banned as well that is. They keep talking about that so I'm waiting for that hammer to finally come down. Anyway, what better way to usher in the start of another Horror marathong (place your bets on how many entries we manage this year) than by going off an easily dateable tangent. Why, it's the Ellis way, isn't it? We wouldn't dream of starting a blog post without being sidetracked by something vaguely connected to the topic at hand. Today, that topic is late night talk show hosts, particuarly of the American flavour. This is something that's a little lost on me as a British person, sure we've all heard of the big names like Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien et al but I don't know if they've ever been carried over here. At best, I think you can watch John Oliver on Sky Atlantic and I want to say The Daily Show show used to air on Comedy Central on a 24 hour delay but those are slightly different beasts. Why import some Yank when we have our own chat show hosts at home? Jonathan Ross was always a big one, plus the national treasure that is Michael Parkinson, a surprising member of the blog alumni. Not to mention the likes of Terry Wogan, Clive Anderson, Mrs Merton, Graham Norton… Late night hosts are the talk of the town at the moment thanks to Jimmy Kimmel, who at time of writing has pretty much just returned to air after a brief suspension following comments made in the aftermath of the murder of Charlie Kirk. Comments that were relatively tame but perhaps ill judged considering there's a Presidential administration openly calling for your removal from the airwaves and who will seemingly take whatever sliver of justificaiton they can for enacting that threat. I would hardly consider Kimmel to have besmirched the name of Charlie Kirk but, then again, there are people accused of doing that who have done nothing than repeat some of Kirk's own quotes so it seems a low bar to clear.

Late Night with the Devil centers around Jack Delroy and his desperate need to topple Johnny Carson in the ratings, leading to him going to further and further extremes. Even an interview with his terminally ill wife, despite spiking the ratings, fails to take him to number 1. After coming back to the show following her passing, he throws all sorts of crap at the wall to try and make it stick, culminating in the focus of the film. It's framed as a documentary of sorts, a look back at the footage from the fateful Halloween night back in 1977 when Delroy hosted a Halloween special which promised an attempted seance with the Devil. One last desperate ploy for viewers during the dreaded sweeps week when rumours are abound of his cancellation. One last Haily Mary to try and save his job, why not bring out a 13 year with a demon inside of her? In the little prologue to the movie that establish's Delroy's background, his connections to 'The Grove', sadly not a youth club in the North East, rather a not so thinly veiled nod towards the Bohemian Club at Bohemian Grove. Now, I know a little bit about this; a gentlemen's club for the elite in society that serves as an escape for men of power and influence. There seems to be a real misplaced amount of emphasis on the importance of men being able to pee freely at this place. Like, it went to court once due to them refusing to hire wome and one of the arguments was essentially that the men there should be able to roam the grounds freely and pee against the trees without fear that a woman might see that. Some strange behaviour from an establishment that has US Presidents, politicians, media moguls and the like amongst it's members but I suppose it's one of these things where because they're in these environments every day where they have to make these big, important decisions, they want to be able to get away from that at a place where it's the complete opposite. That or, someone like the President isn't going to be able to go chill at a bar somewhere so he needs to be in this secritive club.

But it's that secrecy that leads to all sorts of rumours and stories. Like, on the surface it's just a place for the rich and famous to goof off but when you start getting to the upper echlelon, that's where all the weird shit starts breaking out. Like, there's stories about secret underground tunnels and people going out into the woods in the night and reports of women screaming. And when you consider one of the big events at this club is them making ceremonial sacrifices to a 40 foot tall owl god voiced by Walter Cronkite, God only knows how weird all the secret shit is. Incidently, the show within a show is called Night Owls. You see, the illuminati stuff just hiding in plain sight…

Things start out innocently enough with Christou rolled out, a supposed medium with a real case of the Santino Marella level accents which he drops real quickly when something much more intense seems to be channeled in him from the other side. From this point on, Christou is shown to be visibly shaken, sweating and coughing. This leads to him projectile vomiting some sort of black goo before being whisked away to hospital.

Carmichael Haig is brought out next, a former magician turned skeptic, pretty much a James Randi analogue down to things like his appearances on late night TV to debunk those with 'gifts', offering substantial rewards for those that re-produce their abilities in labratory conditions, an institute to investigate the paranormal etc etc. Christou is arguably the Peter Popoff to Haig's Randi, with Christou seen striking out quite often with his attempted cold reading, then having some success but this is later attributed to the audience filling out cards beforehand with details of deceased family members they were hoping to speak to, or Christou's wife pretending to be an audience member and speaking to other atendees to try and gleam information from them. I think in that example, Popoff's wife would then communicate with him over radio to feed him information, though that's not shown here. This is a largely Australian production, though with some funding from Shudder in the US and the UAE. As such, it seems to make a cultural reference to a moment involving Randi on Australian TV when he was a guest on the Don Lane show, Lane apparently not taking kindly to Randi's skepticism and telling him piss off before storming off set himself. This doesn't exactly play out like that here, that moment specifically seems to be referenced in flashback but Delroy does take an increasingly annoyed tone with Haig when Haig continues to interupt the other guests and try to rationlise everything. Being an Australian production also means you can look through the cast and check who has been on either Neighbours or Home and Away at some point in their career. Answer, quite a few of them.

The real action begins when Lily is brought out, the lone survivor of the mass suicide of a Satanic cult who is said to have a demon living within her. She is under the care of a parapsychologist, Dr. June Ross-Mitchell, who accompanies her and is convinced to demonstrate a conjuring of the demon on live TV. I mentioned Parky earlier and I was very much reminded of Ghostwatch throughout this, albeit this felt like it played out on a much grander scale, both in terms of the production of the movie itself and the in universe show as well. But that is perhaps a negative point here why everything felt a little too clean, especially since it's trying to pass off footage from the 70's but everything is all nice, crisp HD. Ghostwatch had more of that authentic TV presentation vibe to it as well. Plus, I felt more immersed in that perhaps because I am so used to that UK style of broadcasting which made it feel a lot more realistic. I have since seen a clip from Kermode/Mayo talking about this film and Kermode makes the same comparison to Ghostwatch, as well as likining Delroy to Alan Patridge, dubbing the premise of the show as 'Alan Partridge goes to Hell'. I never quite got the Partridge vibe from Delroy but, my goodness, now I really want to see Partridge in this scenario.

Quibbles about immersion aside, I really enjoyed this one. It's quite a unique idea so seeing it explored on this scale is neat, as well as mixing in that sense of mystery with the 'Grove' backstory and a growing sense of dread that plays out quite subtley through the film. Basically, anytime the show goes to break, the movie cuts to black and white backstage footage where Delroy is often shown talking to his producer. It's there where we get little snippets of things like Delroy's sidekick voicing his and the crews concerns about the nights events, or the crew making offhand comments about hearing and seeing weird things. Transporting this to the relative glitz and glamour of Hollywood does bring this different approach to it, exploring the desperation to get ahead and the extreme lengths someone is willing to go to in order to make it, the sacrifices they're willing to make…

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Christmas 2024 - Day 2 - Violent Night (2022)

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

...two snifters of brandy!

Much like Red One is getting a lot of attention this year (though apparently not so much at the box office), I recall there being a lot of talk around Violent Night a couple of years ago and, whilst I didn't see it at the time, it was one I tucked away in the back of my mind to cover on here. I probably had it earmarked to watch last year actually but, you know, old twofer over here had to skip out early. With the name and move poster I was initially worried this might be a horror movie that I'd have to put off until next year but this falls into the action genre with some comedy mixed in. Director Tommy Wirkola is someone I have stashed on the horror list in the shape of 2009's Dead Snow but looking at his other work, 'Spermageddon' might have just earned a place on my watchlist as well from the name alone. Violent Night opens with a disgruntled mall Santa taking a quick break on Christmas Eve to knock back a few brewskis and rant to a fellow patron about 'those damn kids' who don't even believe in the spirit of Christmas anymore, they're just take, take, take and only want Santa so he can deliver them some video games. As Alfred once taught us, there's a lot of bad isms floating around this world but one of the worst is commercialism. Erm, actually, I'm pretty sure racism is worse but maybe that's just me. The bar tender thinks she's going to have a job on her hands when he goes to leave but ends up taking a door that leads to the roof. When she goes to find him, she finds the roof empty but up in the sky…could it be?!

It is!

The majesty is lost a little when he promptly throws up seconds later, his chunks landing squarely on her head.

Meanwhile, seperated couple Jason, Linda and their daughter Trudy are visiting Jason's family home for the holiday's and it proves to be an icy affair despite being surrounded by such oppulence. As part of the wealthy Lightstone family, Jason's sister is vying to be the center of attention in their mother's eyes in the hope of being selected as the next in line to run the family business and inherit the power and wealth that comes with that title.

Santa just so happens to be passing back and makes his way down one of the many fireplaces in this grand mansion but, much like John McClane in Die Hard, Santa is in the wrong place at the wrong time as a band of mercanaries siege control of the house, killing the hired help and taking the Lighstone family hostage. At least Santa is still wearing shoes when all this goes down. For this is just one in a long line of 'It's like Die Hard but…' movies that brought us such classics as Die Hard but on a boat (Under Siege), Die Hard but on a train (Under Siege 2: Dark Territory) and Die Hard but in a football stadium (Final Score). This time we have Die Hard but it's a Christmas movie. No, wait, Die Hard but Santa is John McClane.

There's all sorts of little nods to the film along the way, such as Santa's use of a walkie talkie, a character named Al and Santa's 'Naughty or Nice list' serving as a checklist of sort of the baddies that are still alive. Sort of like that list that McClane makes as he's piecing together all of Hans' associates. I'm pretty sure the film even gets name dropped at one point when Santa pulls out 'Die Hard on blu-ray' whilst searching in his magic sack for a weapon.

There's also an extended homage to Home Alone which grated on me a little at first as it felt like a bit of a tonal shift and a bit too on the nose of a reference but they manage to save it by making use of their more adult rating to push the boat out a little on the violence. There's even a kill which Kevin couldn't even manage in 2 when he was lobbing bricks off rooftops, tricking people into dunking their flaming heads into flammable liquids and electrocuting people. Quite frankly, I'm ready to declare this as a new alternate Christmas classic alongside the likes of Die Hard, Home Alone or Lethal Weapon. The thing just oozes charm, the action is great, lots of funny moments, it had me invested in the characters and even got a bit schmoltzy at times which I'm not opposed to in a Christmas movie. That little deaf Dutch girl in Miracle on 34th Street gets me every time…

Santa is a total badass here but is also shown to be mortal and susceptable to injury. The suggestion seems to be that because he's grown so weary of the job, he's lost a little bit of that Christmas magic that is presumably kept him alive all these years. It adds a lot of weight to each fight that he gets involved in and feels like it has an element of that 'war of attrition' thing that McClane goes through where he's really fucked up by the end of the movie. The fights really lean into the thematic elements as well with nearby ornaments and decorations being used as makeshift weapons. Garotting someone with fairy lights, anyone? There's always a Christmas song to soundtrack the occasion too, including a Bryan Adams song I wasn't aware was a thing. Adds an interesting layer of juxtoposition as you've got this cheerful music accompanying brutal violence.

Luigi Mario himself, John Lguizamo, has a great turn as the main villain who starts off playing up to the occasions with all sorts of Christmas referneces, he's essentially doing schtick whilst his guys murder a whole bunch of dudes. But we also learn of Christmas essentially being responsible for his super villain esque origin story. At least he has something of a moustache here unlike Luigi, even if it's just stubble. Seriously, how did they fuck that up? You gave Bob Hoskins a moustache!

I feel like their showdown at the end could have had a better one liner to go out on. I was getting vibes of that 'Call an ambulance' meme: "The last Christmas…" "But not for me!" I totally called that ending as well, Pokemon The First Movie ass motherfuckers. If you haven't seen this one yet, absolutely go watch it. I can easily see this earning a place in people's holiday rotation for years to come alongside the classics. Sure it's a little derivative but I think the fact you're throwing Santa into this situation just adds a ton of novelty value and it's just tons of fun from beginning to end.

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Christmas 2024 - Day 1 - Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991)

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

...a killer centipede!

Sing your heart out with all of your love because Santa's coming for us, just not in the way that Aussie lady with the questionable reputation within the autistic community might have meant it but we'll come back to that in a second. For yes, it's December once again so it's time once more for us to give the 12 holiday adjacent pieces of media thing a try. We haven't managed that in a number of years and this year's Halloween wasn't a great effort but I endevour to at least better last year. 2? What a slacker. As ever we start with a horror related Christmas movie and in doing so we wrap up our little venture through the universe of Silent Night, Deadly Night. After uncharacterisicly starting with the remake, we've since seen a killer Santa, the same killer Santa but recapped by his demented younger brother, that same younger brother with a lobotomy and then a woman getting sexually assaulted with insect larva. What, you can't see the natural progression there? I say we're wrapping it up but there is talk of another remake on the way that is apparently due out next week. I can't say I'm familiar with the work of the director, Mike P. Nelson but he has a segment in one of those later VHS movies that I need to see one day. And before we start, no, subtitles don't count so we don't need to do another 'The' movie next time out. On to the show and, my goodness, I could just spend the rest of this just recapping the opening scene.

[IMAGE REDACTED BECAUSE BARE SKIN MAKES TUMBLR CRY] After the…unique story that was Initiation that seemed to deviate massively from the established series, we waste no time getting back to the heart of the series; young kids getting warped by seeing people banging. Little Derek hears a knock at the door and goes to get his mum, only to find her and her boyfriend going at it. No matter, he'll just go answer it himself. Truly a smart thing for a 7 year old kid to do in the middle of the night. Something his mum's boyfriend is keen to point out to him when he finds Derek playing with a Christmas present that was left on the front step whilst leaving the front door wide open. After sending Derek to bed, the boyfriend inspects this new toy…

Awww, it's just a musical box with jolly old St. Nick!

Well that can't be good..

As the music changing from a rendition of Jingle Bells to Chopin's Funeral March might suggest, that is indeed not good as the toy promptly goes all face hugger and starts suffocating the boyfriend.

Derek is less than enthused to see this play out. The boyfriend struggles desperately to free himself, frantically stumbiling around the living room and clawing at anything to hand. He only manages to crack his skull on the fireplace and send random items flying to the floor.

Including a set of pokers, one of which conviniently lands facing up and let's just say, as in last years The Mean One, ends up in a place that Tony from Hack the Movies would not be keen on.

We return some time later to find that Derek has been traumatised by the experience and in what seems to be some form of PTSD, refuses to speak. But at least he gets to watch the Rambo cartoon. Now, this is not something I've seen but is one of those weird examples of movies aimed at adults that suddenly became TV shows. Bill and Ted, Bettlejuice, Conan the Babarian, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Toxic Avengers, The Real Ghostbusters, Highlander, Police Academy, Robocop…the list goes on. I think they just made cartoons out of anything in those days, hell I used to watch Hammerman when I was a kid. You know, that show based on MC Hammer having talking shoes?

And here's a suprise, it's Kim and Lonnie from the last movie just showing up out of the blue. I don't know if I talked about Lonnie but he was the younger brother of Kim's boyfriend who ended up involved in the sacrifical plot before Kim came to her senses and shanked that witch that was shoving cockroach eggs up her snatch. Derek's mother, Sarah, figures she might be able to snap Derek out of his episode by taking him to get a new toy at the local toy store, Petto's. Everytime that name comes up it sure does sound like they're saying something else…

At the store they find the owner, Joe, and his son Pino. Wait just a second here…Joe Petto? Pino? Oh no, is this the non copywright infringing Pinocchio horror film 30 years before it became cool to do that sort of thing?! Apparently that Blood and Honey guy is actually doing that next year. He's really churning those things out, huh? There's going to be an Avengers esque crossover at some point as well that ties them all together. As much as I am resistant to these movies because they feel really baity like the Sharknado movies, I kinda do appreciate the commitment to the bit. I'm also burying the lead slightly here because, Jiminy Jillikers, it's Mickey Rooney! That Simpsons bit is probably the thing I know him most from but he seems to play Santa a lot, especially in those Rankin/Bass specials. I know he was a big child actor though and also had that unfortuate turn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, one of the most shocking cases of yellow face since John Wayne played Ghengis Khan.

And sure, he may look all smiles and sunshine here but as soon as the coast is clear, he's threatening to beat the shit out of Pino and getting drunk off his ass. I don't know how often Rooney made it a habit of playing against type but I can imagine this works a lot better if you already have that image of him. Still, it comes across well enough that he seems like this kindly old man and then suddenly he's got the crazy eyes.

There's also this drifter looking fellow that keeps showing up and seems to be taking an interest in Derek and Sarah so it feels like the movie is trying to misdirect you or leave it up in the air who the real killer might be but when you have Rooney going nutso every five minutes, it's hard to look anywhere other than at him.

Meanwhile, at the mall, the drifter is playing Santa and amongst his colleagues is…wait, is that Clint Howard? Holy shit, it's Ricky, also from Initiation! Now wait just a goddamn minute, I'm pretty sure you're meant to be dead. And if not, I have no idea how you passed a DBS check because you definitely killed like 5 people in that movie.

The drifter spots Derek out in the crowd of people waiting to see Santa and demands to take Ricky's spot in the seat. A little girl is up first but he spends the entire time distracted and staring at Derek which again Derek is a little perturbed by. My gosh, if it's not Mickey Rooney stealing scenes it's this kid. I swear you can just pause at random intervals at any point this kid is on screen and you have a meme worthy reaction face. It's like the fact that he's mute 99% of the time in this movie made him really sell his emotions through his body language or facial expressions and he just goes completely over the top everytime. This is unintentional comedy at it's finest because I laugh my ass off everytime he shows up.

Another highlight amongst the creepy vibes this movie is giving off is the clearly 40 year old man playing 18 who is dating Derk's babysitter here whilst making thinly veiled threats at Lonnie. Spoiler alert though because this movie embrace's the slasher movie lifestyle and he'll get his later when he commits the cardinal sin of trying to get his end away.

Speaking of which, cue 5 minute gratitious sex scene featuring those two, plus Sarah and the drifter getting it on in the back of his truck at Sarah's office. You know that trend that came up on Twitter for a while where everyone was being prudish and acting like anyone showing a hint of nipple was an affront to nature? They'd hate this. Just lots of heavy panting and dry humping.

During which Joe Petto dressed as Santa unleashes a bunch of killer toys on the unsuspecting 'teens' who begin to question where all these things came from.

The boyfriend doesn't notice a disembodied hand climbing up his leg though and just thinks his girfield is giving him a finger of fudge, dude really enjoys it though.

When Derek gets up to find out what all the noise is, he promptly gets bundled up in Petto's sack and whisked away which feels like there's any number of inappropriate jokes to make there.

It's only at this point once they're done banging that the drifter, who it's revealed is Derek's real father, reveals his true intentions of being back in town. When he was a kid, he grew up in the same town as where Petto had a store and apparently Petto was accused of tampering with some toys that lead to some kids being injured, maybe even killed. Oh sure, just wait until you've had your little fun to share that nugget of information why don't you. Now, I can't possibly hope to do the finale justice so I can only suggest you check it out yourself. Let's just say the concept of a robot with an Oedipus complex is a big factor. In fact, I would strongly suggest you check this movie out in general if, like me, you are a sucker for those 'so bad it's good' type flicks. After the middling effort of 3 and the bizzarities of 4, this entry really ends the series with a bang with it's off the wall plot points, cheesy effects and over the top acting. It really does capture the vibe of the first two movies that made me enjoy them so much. There's a suprising level of depth to it in the sense that, despite being obviously sub par on a technical level, it's still able to convey what it needs to in order to get it's message across such as the duality of Petto; all sweet and innocent to his customers but a surly bastard behind closed doors. Or the immediate sense of there being something uncanny about Pino from the first time you see him, with the reasons becoming apparent as the movie wears on (as if the whole Pinnochio thing wasn't already a give away). I can only hope this new remake attains this same level of enjoyment for me, I guess we'll come back in a couple of years and find out.

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Halloween 2024 - Day 8 - Halloween (1978)

Better late than never...

Well, that's another October in the books (in the pocket, out of sight) and I'm afraid to say it's been another sub par showing from myself. Technically a very slight improvement from last year but still a far cry from years previous where I was getting within touching distance of the full 31 most years. Must try harder. But what better way to round out the month and celebrate All Hallows Eve (now someway removed at time of writing but who's counting) than with our customary look at the Halloween franchise itself. But wait, didn't we just wrap this up last year with Halloween Ends? The movie franchise is dormant for now and that TV show is still just in development so what are we to do? In the words of the Average White Band; let's go round again.

Not all of them, obviously, just the ones I skipped over at points when I was being lazy. Which is namely Halloween (1978), Halloween II (1981), Halloween H20 and Halloween Resurrection. Though, those first two were ones that I had watched alongside Season of the Witch during 'year zero' before the start of this blog so I had continued on to 4 during year one in the interest of furthering my own journey through the history of horror. At our usual rate that will last us until 2027 at which point someone is sure to have pumped out another new Michael Myers related media. Failing that, there's probably a documentary or something that can fill a gap. Something in the vein of Crystal Lake Memories, though hopefully not as long because 6 hrs 40 minutes? Sheesh. Speaking of Friday the 13th and TV show adaptations, I didn't know they were doing a prequel series at the camp. Presumably it would culminate with Jason drowning? It's a novel way of keeping within the universe but not going the standard slasher route, at least I assume it wouldn't be. I'd picture more of a teen dramedy thing that maybe leans more into the horror later on. But to the business at hand and, as the title card above would suggest it's the grandaddy of them all, the original Halloween from all the way back in 1978. To think we'll be celebrating 50 years of this movie in just a few years time, crazy. Right from the word go here even through something as simple as the opening credits we're establishing the creepy atmosphere as that iconic theme plays the names of our various stars and a jack o'lantern on which we slowly zoom in until it almost envelops the entire screen. It's a theme that has to go down as one of the greatest pieces of music in the history of cinema, so itense, forboding and it envokes this feeling of urgency, not unlike what many of Michael's victims feel over the course of the franchise as they try to flee from him. It's becomes so versatile during the movie as well, whether it's being slowed down to fit a slighty different tone or being used as a Michael alarm of sorts to indicate he's nearby, or as a red herring when the movie is trying to trick you into thinking that he is just so it can mess with you. The use of sound adds so much to the movie, right down to the very end when think Loomis has banished this great evil forever but little does he know that this is just the start of a phenomenon that will last for decades to come, with Michael's heavy breathing just before the credits reminding us all that he's still out there, lurking in the darkness waiting to strike again.

Much like Peeping Tom that we looked out earlier in this marathon, this film too starts out with a unique POV shot, this time from the clown mask of young Michael as he butchers his sister to death. It's probably for the best that he went with something more subtle in his choice of mask upon reaching adulthood, I'm not sure if the character would have been quite as iconic in a clown mask.

That shot and the follow up of an almost catatonic Michael in his clown costume would be re-visited in Part 4 with Jamie Lloyd, Laurie's daughter and Michael's niece (in that parralell universe at least), when she stabs her foster mother to death.

A less obvious Michael trope his how adept he apparently is at driving cars despite logically never spending a second behind the wheel of one considering he's been in an asylum most of his life. Much like he would commit a little GTA in Part 5, he does so again here when Loomis goes to collect him ahead of a court hearing, only for Michael to jump in the car and speed off.

From here he makes his way back home to Haddonfield where we slowly piece together the stops he's made along the way that have been helping him create his signature look, whether that's robbing the local hardware store for his Shatner mask, rope and knives or the blue collar worker he kills by the side of the road before making off with his coveralls.

Michael seems to spend most of his time stalking Laurie, such as when she's in class and he's just standing conspicuously across the street gawking through the window. Laurie is discussing the idea of fate and destiny here which is almost certainly coincidental considering they couldn't possibly have forseen how succesful the movie would become but it feels apt that the two of them were destined to do this forever. Well, until Michael gets thrown into the wood chipper of course. Or maybe it's a subtle way of the filmmakers of aluding to a connection between the two characters. We wouldn't know about their family connection until the next movie so I'm curious as to whether this was planned at this point or if I'm just reading into this too much. Going back to sound, the movie isn't afraid to be quiet when it needs to in order to let a moment sink in or build some tension. It's something that makes seeing this again very interesting in having that comparison against something like Terrifier 2 which is very much in your face all the time, or even some of the later movies where Michael takes on this much more supernatural element given how invulnerable he seems to become. Everything feels much more grounded in reality, this mix of paranoia as we see Michael stalk his way through the town spying on Laurie and her friends, and Loomis raving to anyone who will listen about the danger that is being visited upon Haddonfield.

That's not to say Michael doesn't display some of that freakish strength he becomes known for when he impales one of the teens with a butcher knife. That's a strong knife if it can hold up a near grown ass man, you could sell that on late night TV like when they show them cutting shoes with knives. Whilst not as overt as some others in the genre, the subtext of horror movies advocating for abstinence makes an apperance whilst Laurie's friends are trying to arrange a place to meet up and bang during their baby sitting duties. Michael offs one of them when he goes for a beer and takes his place back upstairs whilst under heavy disguise. I'm very torn on this because you take one look at it and it's completely out of tone with the rest of the movie, not to mention the rest of the franchise. But then again, that's me using existing knowledge of the character and how he plays out over the dozen or so movies to make judgments towards this particular depiction. There would have been nothing to go on that this point so if Michael wants to dress up as a ghost, well maybe that's just his thing. Plus, as a young man he would have the same sort of urges as any other so maybe this was just his twisted idea of trying to get some. Disguise himself as the boyfriend and then make his move. He arguablly only snaps because the girl becomes annoyed in him not saying anything so she decides to phone Laurie instead, who knows what his next move would have been if she hadn't done that.

I've touched upon Loomis a few times so far but I'd like to take a moment to really stress my appreciation for him not only here but throughout his run in the franchise. He really does elevate some of those later movies whilst the series was on a decline and Donald Pleasance just generally brings a certain gravatas to proceedings that you don't get in things like Friday the 13th. You get to see how proceedings really take a tole on Loomis, both mentally and physically, as the movies progress as desperation takes hold and he's willingly to go to extremes to try and stop Michael once and for all. Whilst he's not at that level just yet, he really helps to sell just what we're dealing with in Michael when delivers that famous, haunting monologue about meeting Michael at a young age and coming to learn this was someone incapable of feeling, incapable of understanding right and wrong, and knowing that the only right thing to do was to keep that boy locked up because what was living behind that's boy's eyes was pure evil.

I'd also like to show my appreciation to this particular shot following Laurie's discovery of her friends bodies. As she backs into a corner, unable to properly comprehend what she's found, something sinister looks in the darkness as Michael's mask slowly fades into view before he lunges from the shadows.What could have easily been a jump scare instead lends an extra layer of sympathy from the viewer towards Laurie and just ramps up the tension further. For a brief moment we realise that he is there but Laurie remains oblivious, leaving us as helpless bystanders as we await Michael's next attack. It really is a joy to re-visit this and see from what humble beginnings this horror juggernaut spawned. Even down to the kills, where later entries would find themselves engaging in a never ending game of oneupsmanship with other movies trying to see who could come up with the most goriest, extreme and over the top moments, there are several cases here where Michael is more than willing to get his hands dirty the old fashioned way and simply choke the life out of his victims.

And as the movie reaches builds to it's crescendo and Loomis makes his showstopping apperance at the last second to save the day, you are left with a choice. Do you choose to believe that Michael has perished, treat this as a self contained story and move on with your life? Or do you follow Michael down the rabbit hole that will span the next 40+ years? As if there was any choice…Michael Myers will return next year in Halloween II. We can only hope there will be a full compliment of 30 movies before we get there.

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Halloween 2024 - Day 7 - Terrifier 2 (2022)

Send in the clowns...

A year ago on this very blog we watched a little movie by the name of Terrifier, a gore porn laden romp with an eeriely captivating villain in the shape of Art the Clown. I had initially prophesied that this would be the one and only apperance of Mr Clown because we don't take kindly that sort of hyper violence around here. Unfortunately, that prophecy hasn't come to pass for one reason…well, actually two reasons but we'll come back to that. The more pressing issue is something that is doing gangbusters at the time of writing; Terrifier 3. Quickly surpassing $55m in box office takings saw Art's latest outing shoot to the top of the US box office charts and take it's place as the highest grossing unrated film of all time. But why would that change my mind about proceeding on with this franchise? It's a Christmas movie.

They found my one weakness, a Christmas horror movie. Like Silent Night, Bloody Night and Black Christmas before it, I feel duty bound to see this movie but we can't just dive head long into the 3rd movie and leave a gaping hole in our knowledge of Art lore. There could be cruical plot points that we'd be missing so, despite an enourmous amount of trepidation, I reluctantly sat down to see this sequel. And frankly, as little as I would expected it, there is a lot of stuff going on here that is seemingly going to be vital to the franchise as it firmly sets it's sights on film number 4 at some point in the future. No longer is this a movie of disposable characters that are merely fodder for Art's depraved bloodlust, mere playthings for him to torture whilst the adoring viewers at home cheer him on as he commits ever increasing acts of horror. This time we actually have characters we can feel invested in and pray actually make it out alive by the end.

Namely young Sienna, our final girl who dons a valkyrie type outfit for a large portion of the film, fitting for her position as a sort of antithesis of Art. She is a beacon of hope amidst the darkness and almost seems to have been ordained as the one person that may be able to bring Art's reign of terror to an end. But if the first movie taught us anything it's that nothing is off the table here. We saw how Tara came a cropper there so who's to say that the same couldn't happen to Sienna? It brings a whole extra sense of tension when no one in the film feels truly safe, not even our protaginist. There's a feeling in every scene that Art could pop up at any moment ready to cave someone's head in or slit their throat, the dread building with each passing second as if someone were turning the crank on the world's most demented jack in the box. The human element is not the only thing that has been ramped up here, if you thought the first movie was disturbing then you haven't seen anything yet. Just utter the words 'bedroom scene' to anyone that has seen this and it's bound to elicit a reaction. But Art in general revels in his actions unlike his big name slasher brethern before him. I've said before that guys like Michael Myers or Jason Vorhees have a very ruthless effiency to them, kill and move on to the next victim. Art would much rather sit and watch you suffer, your cries of agony like a symphony, the pain on your face is a piece of fine art for him to admire. So why then does a film that I enjoyed much more than the first and one so dripping with atmosphere fill me with such ambivelance? (Which means feeling two opposite irrececoncilible emotions about the same thing) Well, that atmosphere arguablly goes a bit too far in creating an immensense sense of dread that permeates every single scene, an atmosphere so opprossesive that it's almost aniexity enducing when it feels like your favourites might be seconds away from being disembowled. It's a movie that feels so dark and grimy that I felt like I needed to shower afterwards. And what small measure of cathartic joy you might feel from seeing Art defeated is ripped away from you knowing he'll be back again for 3…and 4…and probaby 5, 6 and 7. It put's me in mind of something like Return of the Living Dead, being in this entirely no win situation as your droom draws closer and closer. Art is inevtiable, a reminder of our own fragile mortality upon this ever spinning world. At least the borderline comedic violence and effects during the kills does offer some scant relief, the victim's wounds looking like live action cartoons at times did break the immersion somewhat but at least they dragged me out of the deeply depressing world of Art for a second.

But it's hard to truly escape it when they have such unspeakable horrors as people watching Night of the Living dead in fullscreen. This is far more evil than anything Art could ever do. As much as I don't want to, I'm afraid that we'll be back here again for Christmas 2025 for Art to make it a truly red Christmas.. But wait, what about that other reason I wanted to see this? Just like in the movie itself, we're going to sneak it in as a little bonus at the end. For who should pop up during the mid credit scene?

Why, Chris Jericho of course! I had known about his apperance in this from his podcast some years ago, which is where the original movie found it's way onto my list, and we do like our wrestling adjacent media around here. Why, we can even do a CM Punk type recap! We'll keep this fairly limited rather than try to cover his whole career. As of late he has been seen leading a stable in AEW by the name of 'The Learning Tree', a moniker shared by Jericho himself who plays the role of an obnoxious and insincere veteran offering to share his wisdom with the younger generation but is obviously only out to further his own career. This has been met with negative reactions but moreso in a 'go home heat' sort of way with audible chants of 'please retire' during his matches and segments with many feeling his run is tarnishing the end of what has been a sure fire HOF career. Arguably, his opinions outside of wrestling and his wife's whereabouts on January 6th might also be going someway to tarnishing his career but that's another story. His 'technically correct' (the best kind of correct) boasts do little to help the matter either, just today on his podcast he was bragging about being in the number one movie in America, a statement that should carry as many asterixs as when he says his band, Fozzy, played to over 80,000 people in Wembley Stadium. Pretty sure when people bought those tickets it wasn't for Fozzy featuring support from AEW, just as Terrifier 3 isn't Chris Jericho featuring Art the Clown.

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Halloween 2024 - Day 6 - Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

If you die in the game, you die in real life...

If this wasn't at all obvious with movies 6 and 7, we're definitely into the 'sunk cost' stage of this franchise. The first four all had their charms despite tapering off and I'm on record as a fan of Inferno but Hellseeker and Deader felt like a bit of a chore. But, as much as my lack of keeping to a schedule might dispute this, I am a creature of habit and the end is in sight. And, if anything, we're really due to go off a cliff next year so all the more reason to stick it out and see what depths we can plumb with this series. Hellworld was filmed back to back with Deader all the way back in 2002 but sat largely unused, saved for a few showings over the years, until the pair were released direct to DVD in 2005. It's always stood out on the horizon for me as I've worked my way through the franchise given the plot ties into the world of online gaming. A strange turn for the franchise, sure, but given we're 8 movies in now I think any subject matter is fair game in order to freshen things up. Plus, this would have been right around the time of a boom in online gaming and, given the film pitches Hellraiser as an MMO, you would have had things like Ultima Online, Everquest, Runescape and even Final Fantasy XI (World of Warcraft wouldn't have existed at the time of filming but would have been out by the time the films actually released) so I can sort of see the potential in touching upon the dangers of addiction, both as an analogue to the pleasure seeking that is so prevalent in Hellraiser but also to tie in to the hot topic parent scaremongering of the day.

Nevermind all those other games though, who remembers Graal?!

The video game stuff though is largely glossed over. A friend of our main characters is said to have killed himself following his addiction to the game but it's all very vague and skimmed over during an exposition dump during his funeral.

Even the game itself is shown only briefly and I was going to compare it to a Flash game from the time but I'm pretty sure I was playing Flash games on the school computers at the time that had more gameplay than this. The Lament Configuration doesn't exactly feel like the kind of thing you would adapt into a video game either, it strips away that tactile feeling of handiling the cube, twisting and prodding to try and open it up.

What little we do see of the game is little more than a means to shuttle our main characters off to the meat and potatoes of the movie, an exclusive Hellraiser themed party taking place at Leviathan house. This is something that irked me early on with the movie, it's often said that these later movies are just a case of slapping the Cenobites onto someone else's screenplay and that they barely even show up but these fet a bit tryhard in trying to shoehorn a bunch of references in early as if to say 'See, we're a REAL Hellraiser movie'. Very quickly you get mentions of Hellraiser, Hellworld, Pinhead, Leviathan, LeMarchand, the Engineer…it's like the other extreme of not showing them at all but just trying to cram mentions in within the first few minutes.

Among our crew of party goers is none other than Superman himself (well, one of them at least) Henry Cavill.

Plus Lance Henriksen as the party host, a man with a storied past in the horror genre and notable for me at least for his role in Pumpkinhead, though I think that may have gone undocumented on this here blog.

Our friends are shown around the house but all start to experience strange visions, usually very brief and sometimes involving Pinhead making thinly veiled threats.

Spoiler alert, the twist of the movie is that Lance Henriksen's Host character is actually the father of the friend that commited suicide and he's out for revenge for what he percieves as their actions in enabling his addiction that resulted in his death. It's revealed that upon their arrival to the party, the Host drugged them with a very strong psychodelic drug and buried them in shallow graves outside with an airtube to keep them alive and prolong their suffering. The events of the movie have been playing out in their heads with cell phones left in their coffins through which the Host has been using suggestion to influence their visions. Now, this actually does bring some degree of interest to the film which had been largely boring up to this point and I did appreciate the idea of how this could play into the overarching story of addiction. If these kids are so immersed in this game then these monsters from within it could be making their way into their visions in a very violent way. The problem is that because they made pretty much zero attempt to re-contextualize this film's world and to potray the Cenobites as characters within this game, plus the fact that this movie does the exact same drive by Pinhead scenes (to borrow my own phrase from last year), these interactions just feel like more shoehorned references to justify the film bearing the Hellraiser name. If they had actually taken the time to show these kids playing the game and some digital versions of the Cenobites from which they would have formed these assocations, the whole idea might have worked better.

It would have been all moot anyway though as it's revealed at the end that the Cenobites are in fact actually real when they show up and tear the Host to shreds. Thanks for ruining my shades of grey for me, lads. Whilst I can appreciate the efforts to make the series a little more contemporary by taking this video game angle, it does also strip away a small aspect I've always liked in that all of these movies felt like they took place in the same universe. It's always come across as an anthology piece to me, the Lament Configuration managing to find it's way into someone elses hands who have these delusions of how this is going to lead them to pleasure undivisible whilst we get to sit back and watch as several hooks and chains promptly tear those delusions asunder. Ultimately, it's one of those films where I can see the genesis of a decent idea that goes unfufilled. And whilst I'm all for taking wild departures this deep into a franchise, it does feel like too big of a disconnect from the series to have ever been successful.

And so, given that this is the last appreance of Doug Bradley in this famous role, it's a run that ends in a whimper rather than a bang. Somehow I doubt his successors have much chance of living up to his mantle, especially when our next stop, Revelations, is the film that drew Clive Barker's ire and led to that very infamous tweet I have been mentioning all these years…

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Halloween 2024 - Day 5 - The Bride (1985)

Won't you be my girl Won't you be my girl Won't you be my, be my Be my girl

We do like a Universal classic monster around these parts but having previously exhausted the original line of Frankenstein movies, where are we to turn for the ongoing adventures of our stitched together friend? As the name might suggest, this adaptation very much centers around the part of the story when Dr Frankenstein intends to create a female companion for his creation. The movie is directed by Franc Roddam who interestingly helped revive Masterchef back in the mid 00's and was also the mastermind behind Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. He also directed the movie Quadrophenia. These latter two may go some way to explaining some of the casting choices here such as Phil Daniels, Tim Spall and, starring as Frankenstein himself, Sting.

This was only a recent addition to 'the list' having being on a ramble through Wikipedia that led me through Quadrophenia, Roddam and then seeing this listed amongst his filmography. I'm always on the look out for more Frankenstein adaptions and being a fan of The Police (the band, not the institution) seeing Sting in the leading role sealed the deal. I'm aware he was in the original Dune and has various other credits but the only thing I've seen him in previously is Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels. Well, that and his cameos in The Simpsons and Studio 60.

His is a relatively inoffensive peformance, it's just that his parts of the movie are largely very dull for three quarters of the movie but we'll come on to that.

As mentioned, the movie starts with the Creature already in existence and his master looking to create for him a bride. Given the more sympathetic light that Frankenstein's creation is shown in during the film I'm going to go with Creature rather than Monster, just how KARLOFF intended. It almost feels like you've joined the movie partway through it and that there is a lot of assumed knowledge that the viewer will have of the general Frankenstein story and the Creature's place within it. But it does feel father apt the Creature is very much being pushed to the side within the story, Frankenstein is almost moving on and giving all of his attention to this shiny new toy and isn't interested in his flawed previous work.

I do love this shot amongst the opening sequence where Frankenstein and his associate are preparing to animate his new creation and the Creature is giving them major side eye. The Creature incidentally is played by Clancy Brown AKA The Kurgan from Highlander. This was another aspect that intruiged me given his imposing stature.

There's a lot of visual interesting set dressing during the procedure, all sorts of gizmos that Frankenstein has hooked up and various bodies and disembodied heads in jars, one that even comes alive during the lightning crashes. Though, there is potentially something fruedian about the large pole that is lowered towards the orb designed to collect the lightning and funnel it into the new creation's body.

The Creature's eagerness to be with his new partner draw's the ire of Frankenstein who promptly shows the Creature his pimp hand. This enrages the Creature who starts wrecking the place, causing an almighty explosion and raging fire that it is assumed his perishes in. Unbeknownst to Frankenstein, the Creature manages to escape into the night.

It's from here that the movie goes into two branching paths, almost exploring a nature vs nurture type system where Frankenstein's two creations make their way in the world and we see how they grow in different environments. His latest creation, named Eva after the first woman, undergoes a My Fair Lady type metamorphasis where Frankenstein and his hired help try to mold Eva in a respectable woman. Whilst she does become very eloquent and educated, she's raised in a fairly cold and sterile environment emotionally and always seems to be yurning for something more, fixed upon who she is, where she came from and why she seemingly has no memory of anything in her life.

Meanwhile, the Creature through pure happenstance befriends a dwarf, Rinaldo, who is travelling to Budapest to seek his fame and fortune in the circus with hopes of one day visiting Venice. Though undoutedly Rinaldo is able to use the fact he has a great brute of a man by his side to his advantage, the two develop a closeness that is alien to the Creature and a friendship he's never experienced before. Rinaldo even gives him a name, Viktor, meaning 'he will win'. From a pure intelligence point of view, Viktor makes some strides in understanding certain things and learning from new experiences, but his English is still quite broken and he lacks the common sense to make it on his own. Still, he finds true happiness with Rinaldo by his side, save for the fact that he longs to be with Eva who he feel shunned him. Between the two, the movie feels very lopsided as Viktor and Rinaldo's story is very heartwarming, an endearing and charming tale of these two lost souls forming a bond as Viktor learns the way of the world. It's like a more elongated version of those sections of Bride of Frankenstein where the monster meets the blind man who gives him booze and cigarettes. But that's ultimately let down by Eva's side of the story which can be quite tedious for the most part, only really starting to develop towards the end of the movie when Frankenstein starts to become jelaous, controlling and brutish as Eva starts to attact some attention from the opposite sex. What might be seen as an almost Fatherly act of protection starts to take on a much more sinister look as it becomes apparent that Frankenstein's intentions towards Eva are much more carnal in nature.

I'm a little conflicted on this one ultimately, the Viktor/Rinaldo stuff I really liked but it is dragged down by the Eva/Frankenstein portion so this is probably gonna have to settle for a 5/10, thumbs in the middle kinda vibe. It seems it was a real flop at the time, both critically and commercially, failing to get anywhere close to it's budget. I can see where they would have spent the money as well because it's certainly a well put together movie with the oppulent setting of Frankenstein's castle, lots of exeterior locations for Viktor's story, lots of fancy costume design, stunk work and big scenes with dozens of extras. Perhaps with a bit of a tighter run time and with more teases of Frankenstein's darker side earlier on might have made it a bit more enjoyable.

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Halloween 2024 - Day 4 - The Last House on the Left (1972)

The Worst is Yet to Come? Is something going to happen to her Still Remains?

Having made it through the entirity of the main line Nightmare… films, today we're going to delve deep into the past of director Wes Craven and cast our eyes over his earliest release. Something that is considerably easier to do today than it was at the time given this would have absolutely been amongst the films on Mary Whitehouse's hit list as we touched upon during Censor last year. For we are very much in the territory of the 'rape and revenge' film which isn't something I've really touched upon either in this blog or in in non-blog related viewing aside from seeing the original 'I Spit on your Grave' many moons ago. I still can't believe that got a Hollywood remake which then got several sequels. They even went as far to make a sequel to the original but, oops, we already made a movie called I Spit on your Grave 2. Well, why not I Spit on your Grave: Deja Vu? Even this movie got a remake but we're sticking to the original today.

Inspiration for this movie can be traced back to Ingmar Bergman's 'The Virgin Spring' which itself is based on an old Swedish story. I never knew Bergman was into such things, I always thought he was more of a classy bloke. You know, Seventh Seal and all that.

Last House on the Left centers around young Mari Collingwood who, on her 17th birthday, plans a night out with her friend that soon goes awry. And I'm not just referring to the impending abduction. Whilst she's getting ready, her father questions whether she's wearing a bra and points out that he can see her nipples. Bloody hell, I know it's a cliche to have the dad question his daughter's choice of outfit but this feels a little too far.

At least it does give us our first nudity of the year. Good to see you, Tor.

It isn't long though until our two friends get inadvertently trapped by the requisite murders, rapists and junkies. Amongst them is Fred 'Weasel' Podowski, played by rampant pornographer Fred J. Lincoln. That's Fred J. Lincoln, director of such films as Coming of Age, 69 Hours, Sexual Healing and Garden of Eatin'. Not nearly as good as 'The Adventures of Dick Black, the Black Dick'.

It's rather jarring how the movie cuts between these girls suffering unspeakable horrors whilst Mari's parents are back home baking her a lovely cake.

This actually encapsulates the whole movie in a way because the tone jumps all over the place. One minute you might be seeing the humilation of one of the girls as she's forced to wet herself for the amusement of her captors, the next you've got the comically inept police chief and his sidekick as they try to hitchhike in the back of a passing farm truck. Whilst that did make the movie more bearable for me in the sense that it's not just 90 minutes of wallowing in torture porn, but it feels like the movie doesn't know exactly what it wants to be. It has that very grimy, exploitation feel to it throughout but all the attempts at levity to take you out of that. I don't know that, as notable as it is, this movie is really the best excution of this idea but I'm not that inclined to look for others. It come across to me a little bit like something that appeals to people who pulled the legs off flies when they were kids. It's not quite violence for violence sake given that there is some redemption in the end but it's exactly the most triumphant of endings. Like, I still feel pretty down having finished it. It's not so much a victory but moreso the best possible loss if that makes any sense? "Hooray, the baddies are dead! Oh, those girls were still brutally rapes, tortured and murdered though…"

It is interesting to see this as a follow up to Peeping Tom having read the backlash that recieved for it's content which pales in comparison to this and they're only 12 years apart, not a massive amount of time in the grand scheme of things. Maybe that's a sign of the way these things evolves and the ever increasing heights they have to go to in the name of creating shock value.

Such as one of the killers getting his dick bitten off, which is a big plus. I'm pretty sure one of the guys get's his knob cut off in I Spit on Your Grave as well. When will these psycho's learn that it's a bad sign that your victim is suddenly very interested in you. Stockholm Syndrome probably doesn't stretch that far.

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Halloween 2024 - Day 3 - Peeping Tom (1960)

He's a peeping tom!

It's the first of our trips back into the days of yore today, back into the space year 1960 and whilst some people may scoff at the notion of watching a film made back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, I can very much appreciate it when it brings me examples such as this.

If for no other reason than that certain style you get with movies of this vintage. The above scene is one of the very first things you see in the movie and it's just gorgeous. It's like if Nighthawks was set in a dingy London back alley rather than a Chicago diner. Sure the buildings may be grotty and the refuse flowing freely having long overthrown the shackles of it's bin shaped prison, but the colours really pop off the screen from the oranage lamp lights or the vibrant red of that ladie's dress. Just this one frame alone exudes more atmosphere and life than the whole of Dead 7.

Given this is 1960, I feel like colour film would have still been realatively new and it often seems like people were trying to one up each other with it's use. Everything seems to be filmed in [insert name here]vision and it's not enough to merely have colour, each release has to be more vibrant than the last which can end up looking over saturated if anything. There's something slightly unnatural about the dirty blonde hair colour of our protagnist here, like when you see the zombie in the promo material for the colorised Night of the Living Dead where he seems to have orange hair at times, it just kinda off.

The intro has a unique feel to it as well as we see a lady of the night followed into her room before being set upon with a lust for blood, not passion. Distracting framing aside with the windowed lens type effect, it gives it a found footage type feel which is interesting for the time.

The bulk of the movie does follow a more traditional filming method as we follow Mark, a seemingly nice young man whose closets are certainly full of skeletons, figuratively and almost literally, as his obsession with his camera goes so far as far as creating his own snuff films whilst bumping off his victims.

He even has his own little theater tucked away in a spare room which allows for some more fanstic shots, the juxtoposition of the rest of his life being out in the open whilst his dark secrets live within the shadows of this room.

For as much as this movie does try to build up some degree of sympathy towards Mark when it delves into his past and the sins of the Father that don't appear to have fallen too far from the tree, it feels a little misplaced when it outright shows you he's the killer within the first few minutes. Plus, it never feels like he's conflicted on what he's doing until near the end and he does give off major red flags at pretty much every turn.

It is interesting to look at this in the fullness of time though, especially when this had an apparently turbulent release and was met with scathing reviews that effectively ended the director's career. It's that age old story of what was shocking then is tame by today's standards. Though there are frequent shots of Mark photographing in a boudier type setting, there's no nudity to be seen (though probably still enough skin to worry the Tumblr morality bots) and all the murder scenes are cut away just before the moment of impact. Interestingly though, to me it feels like the impact of the camera itself that Mark carries is an inverse of life today. Whilst obviously every man, woman and child carries a camera with them thanks to modern phones, and filming is promiment with things like social media, just randomly shooting out in the street would probably met with some suspicion and certainly shoving a camera in someone's face would likely result in being invited to shove said camera where the sun doesn't shine. For Mark though, it almost gives him this sense of respectability and influence at times, for instance there's a moment when someone mistakes him for a journalist. This isn't a toy, this is a tool for an artist to capture a work of art and it arguably opens doors for Mark find another unwitting victim.

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Halloween 2024 - Day 2 - Dead 7 (2016)

The best supergroup since The Traveling Wilburys...

Apologies for the immediate tangent but for once this is a fresh addition to 'the list' so I can actually document how it came to be there. Just the other day Butterfly by Crazy Town came up on my playlist and I was reminded how their lead singer, Shifty Shellshock (…okay), passed away earlier this year. It was on his Wikipedia that I learned that he has a very brief filmography of this film, Willowbee and 1994's Clifford.

Which incidentally is potentially one of my favourite movie posters of all time based purely on Charles Grodin's expression. This movie by the way isn't about a big red dog, Grodin only makes dog movies about St. Bernards.

And it was on the entry for today's film that I proceeded to sit in shock and awe at the text that in front of me. A post-apocalyptic zombie horror western movie written and starring Nick Carter, yes that Nick Carter, and produced by The Asylum. That alone would have me interested but wait, there's more. Nick is joined by a veritable supergroup of 90's boy band alumni with entrants from Backstreet Boys, NSYNCH, 98 Degrees, O-Town and All-4-One…oh my! Given The Asylum's reputation of being a mockbuster studio, this film very much smacks of The Magnificent Seven mixed with The Walking Dead, though they're about 6 years late to the party on that Walking Dead part. Releasing within a week or so of the original with a near enough exact same name is more their style.

In the post apocalytic world, a witch doctor priestess type woman named Apocalypta threatens to raise a zombie army to overthrow what little of humanity remains so that she can take over the world (of course!). It's up to a rag tag crew of miscriants from Desert Springs to fight back and save humanity, which is where our Magnificent Seven comes up.

Jeff Timmons (98 Degrees) as Billy Sullivan, generic hero man

Carrie Keagan (not musically inclined) as Daisy Jane, generic hero man's girlfriend with the big knockers to keep male viewer's interested

Nick Carter (Backstreet Boys) as Jack Sullivan, Rick Grimes lite

Joey Fatone (NSYNC) as Whiskey Joe, the only actual decent character by way of him being the fun drunk

Howie Dorough (Backstreet Boys) as Vaquero, the Hispanic one who picked the sniper class and instantly regretted it since I don't think there is ever a need for a sniper at any point in this movie so all of his shots are from like 2 feet away as the shuffling zombie horde ambles toward him

Erik-Michael Estrada (O-Town) as Komodo, the one that picked the Samurai class and spends an inordinate amount of time slashing zombies because he wants to show off how he maxed out the sword skill

Lauren Kitt-Carter (also not muscially inclined or pictured) as Sirene, generic Native 'tracker' type who mains a Shotel for some reason and is also apparently a nepo hire given she's married to Nick Carter

Debra Wilson (not musically inclined but apparently shoot bald) as Apoclypta makes up for the fact that the character is very one note and essentially just thrust at you as the big bad without any explination or reason. She spends half the time just screaming and pulling over the top faces so I can appreciate that at least.

Her minion, Johnny Vermillion (AJ McLean of Backstreet Boys) is a more convincing villain than her and he actually manages to off various major and minor characters. Plus he gets to run around in clown makeup and a bowler hat whilst he does it so points for that.

A special shoutout has to go to Jon Secada (solo artist) as well purely for his magnificent sideburns.

I say the setting and story isn't explained, it may well have been in the little intro sequence but I was far too busy suffering from a major headache at the editing job they did on that. There's so many fast edits and weird effects and the thing constantly shifts between various harsh color filters that it pained me to actually watch. Possibly they were going for a graphic novel type thing to tie into the Walking Dead thing?

And don't get me start on the transitions between scenes. So many establishing sweeping shots of the goddamned mountains and valleys. Don't ever use this as a drinking game, your liver would be destroyed within minutes.

Going through the introductions of all these various characters is kind of fun, going through the whole 'getting the band together' motions. The ending as well has it's moments as it's building to a crescendo with various characters laying down their life for the greater good but the middle third of the movie feels a bit plodding as the group makes it's way towards Apocalypta.

Fatone, Wilson and McLean go a long way to saving this movie as they're the one ones that seem to be having some fun with it. Everyone else is taking it far too seriously which I don't feel they have any right to given the circumstances, a movie starring this many boy band stars has no serious artistic merits. To say he's given top billing, Carter is particuarlly bland and monotone throughout but he is still miles ahead of Chris Kirkpatrick (*NSYNC), though we're at least spared him for the majority of the movie given he only has about 3 scenes.

All things considered, I have to give this movie some praise for just about living up to my lofty expectations of it to fulfill the bollocks-o-meter. By no measure it is a good movie (what else were you expecting?) given the edits that drove me crazy at times, the mediocre acting, generic story and just general vibe that only comes with these kind of movies. But some of the characters are engaging, it has some satisfying gore and there's no denying it's an absolute curiosity piece to see the cast of a VH1 type 'Boy Bands Forever' show suddenly whisked away to film a feature length zombie movie. The theme song kinda slaps too.

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Halloween 2024 - Day 1 - Nope (2022)

Whole lotta horse abduction going on...

What, October already? Better break out those horror movies then, and why not a continuation of sorts from yesteryears? Following on from the past successes of Jordan Peele with his direction of Get Out and Us, as well as his involvement in the new Candyman, Nope has been something I've been looking forward to seeing over the past couple of years so I figured I'd put it on the agenda for this year's marathon.

Daniel Kaluuya return's as the the protaganist, OJ, having starred in the aforementioned Get Out. There's also other familiar faces like Steven Yeun from The Walking Dead, Michael Wincott who was in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves and The Crow, and of course my boy Ketih David. Though, his is only a passing appearance as he is killed off early on by a falling coin that is thought to be some sort of airline malfunction. See kids, this is why your parents tell you never throw things from the top of car parks.

It's David's untimely demise that see's OJ thrust to the forefront of the family business; horse training. Specifically for use in film and television. Unfortuately, OJ doesn't quite have the knack for this whole thing and gets dumped from an upcoming project after one of his horses get's spooked and lashes out on set. Speaking off which, in order to get some money back into the business, OJ has been selling some of the horses to a local western themed theme park called Jupiter's Claim, whose owner has a tragic background of being witness to a much more violent animal outburst on set.

As a child actor, he featured in a sitcom called Gordy which seems to be the kind of absurd show you normally see parodied on TV or film where a family has a chimpanzee that lives with them. One day though this chimp goes completely apeshit (pun intended) and kills some of of the cast. Now, granted you're probably not expecting that and the monkey probably got the jump on you but I dunno, is it wrong to think you could take a chimpanzee in a fight? Granted, they do have those nasty fangs and pound for pound they probably are pretty strong but they're only small. I do love those kind of surveys, if only for when they get towards the end of the list and there's a handful of people who are like "Yeah, I think I could beat an elephant."

OJ starts to notice some weird occurances around the family ranch like EMP type blackouts that even knock out cars and phones. He comes to suspect this is a UFO and hopes to document this in the hopes of becoming rich from selling the footage. Only to a completely reputable outlet that is, like Oprah. It's here that I start to have some problems with the movie. Like, it's not a bad movie and it did keep me intruiged as to where it was going. But it never seemed to really have a strong sense of dread behind it because whatever this UFO is is very vague and unseen for the bulk of the money. That's not uncommon in horror, with the old idea of what the mind imagines can often be scarier, but it felt like the characters in the movie weren't particuarly fussed most of the movie either. I think that largely comes down to Kaluuya as OJ who just seems completely stoic about everything the entire time.

When the UFO does show up, at first I thought it was a flying Stetson hat or something, like the overall Western theme going on had somehow manipulated it's form, kinda like when Gozer appears as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

And even when it does start racking up a body count, it's largely off camera and you just see what appears to be shots of it's victims being ingested like Augustus Gloop going up the pipe in the chocolate factory but even they seemed hard to comprehend and a bit hoky. I'd suggest it was meant to be emulating someone from the classic 50's era sci-fi but it feels a bit out of place amongst the rest of the movie. I guess it's tying back to the whole alien theme by being un-natural and un-nerving.

Which is echoed when the creature does reach it's final form which is something akin to a jellyfish. I think this aspect works well, getting away from the cliched humanoid forms you sometimes get in sci-fi movies, which is something they poke fun at earlier in the film. This particular shot where OJ is trying to lead the thing away from the rest of the group is particuarly mesmerising, just the sheer scale of thing. It has a bit of that 'Old Ones' vibe to it too, that it's just something so unfathmoably alien that your brain couldn't possibly begin to comprehend it and to try would send you mad.

The part where the creature hovers over the hose, regurgitating all the stuff it's eaten and showering the house in blood is also a really cool moment, like something out of The Shining or Poltergeist. Ultimately though, this one felt like a let down to me in that I went into it with such high hopes based of Peele's previous work. Some people seem to really love it and rank it amongst some of the best sci-fi movies ever made so all power to you guys on that one, it just wasn't for me. Even the underlying messages didn't really hit me that strongly, like I've seen people talking about how it's a look at the dangers of survellience and making allusions to faith and the ascencion to Heaven but it doesn't have that raw 'holding a mirror to society' feel that Peele's earlier work does. Though, I guess you don't want to do that in every movie lest you become pidgeon holed and you get those stupid people who think you're 'bringing race into everything' when you're making a Candyman movie. I still can't get over that.

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Not so random review: The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)

You'll be hooked on the brothers!

Not so random because today is March the 10th which can mean only one thing…it's Mar10 day! Though he had appearances in the early 80's in Nintendo titles such as Donkey Kong and Wrecking Crew, it was the 1985 Super Mario Bros. that really catapulted Mario and Nintendo in general into the stratosphere. Their popularity continues to this day, with 2023's utterly charming Super Mario Wonder being another smash hit success. But I'm choosing to celebrate Mar10 Day 2024 by finally sitting down and watch his 2023 motion picture epic; The Super Mario Bros. Movie. Given the $1.36b performance at the box office, I was apparently one of about 6 people who didn't see this in the cinema at the time but it's time to wrong that right. Though, it's funny how that performance still wasn't enough to be the leading film of the year. *Shakes white gloved fist at Barbie*

I don't quite remember the general reaction this had when it was first announced. I suppose it would have been one of surprise given the…interesting adaptation we had back in 1993 which seemingly made Nintendo swear off such things. The part I do remember though is when the voice cast was revealed and every man, woman and child losing their collective shit at the idea of Chris Pratt voicing Mario. I suppose it wouldn't have been so bad if this was a character that had been played by lots of different people over time but Charles Martinet had been THE voice of Mario for over 30 years so he had become synonymous with the character. I can see how Martinet's portrayal might be seen as gimmicky or grating to be done over a feature length movie but it does smack of them just wanting to throw a bunch of Hollywood talent at the thing in favour of more traditional voice actors because that's what everyone else seems to do with this animated movies.

For what it's worth, Pratt is…fine? I have no qualms with most of the cast. Charlie Day I think was a great bit of casting, as limited a role as it is in terms of screen time, he helps sell the somewhat cowardly nature of Green Mario that I appreciate is still an eduring character trait having being such a prominent thing in titles such as the Mario & Luigi series. Though, it's easy to be a scardey cat when you have villains proclaiming to be 'the mustard of your doom'. I did forget that Jack Black was voicing Bowser until the sharp pivot his character took part way in. When the movie starts we see him laying waste to the Snow Kingdom as the native penguins ineffectively fight back with their snowball based offense. It makes for a great opening setpiece, really selling the intense threat that Bowser poses whilst also mixing in some comedy. Which is partly what I think they had in mind when Bowser breaks out into song later on professing his love for Princess Peach and states he aims to marry her. I was a little unsure on this shift at first as it does diminish the threat somewhat but this is a kids film after all so it helps to have something dumb in there for them. Plus I suppose it does give his character an extra edge than just being generic evil bad man. And it helps contextualize the existing game elements into this environment, there's a reason why Bowser is going after Peach other than just because without it we'd have no game.

Re-contextualizing is the order of the day throughout the whole film as it really is fan servicey as all hell but tries to make it so it's not just fan service for fan service sake. Just like those 'turn your brain off at the door' movies, fan service is good from time to time and we there's obviously there's wide appeal here in seeing this beloved game franchise adapted to the big screen but fan service can sometimes feel a little bit like some waving some keys in your face. Here though there's reasons behind some of the things we see in the game to help explain why they're happening in this apparent normal world. Like, why are Mario and Luigi in these bright outfits and wearing white gloves to their plumbing gigs? It's a gimmick, a calling card of sorts. Here's a part of the Mushroom Kingdom that looks like something of the games that Mario needs to run through, but that's because he's in training. On that last point, this ultimately is a really by the numbers movie, the kind of story you might see in a fantasy sword & sorcery movie where an outsider is drafted in to come slay the big bad that's threatening to destroy the world, complete with the aforementioned training montage with a backing soundtrack of Bonnie Tyler's 'Holding Out For a Hero', or at least a new recording of it for some reason. That's just one of various licensed songs that appear in the film which can feel a little out of place given that most of the movie has the obligatory tracks from the various games, down to such obscure gems as the DK Rap of all things. The story goes that Mario & Luigi are two down on their luck Brooklyn plumbers hoping to catch their big break whilst striving out of their own, with Mario facing fears of inadequacy as his family lament him giving up a steady job to follow a pipe dream, doubly so for potentially dragging his brother down with him. Not only that, but Mario is also apparently seeking validation from his own father who seems particularly dismissive of this whole venture. Who would have expected such depth from a Mario movie?! During a city wide flood, Mario spies a chance to play the hero as he and Luigi head downtown to check it out, figuring the source of the problem is in the depths of the city sewers. It's here they come across a strange green pipe that the two brothers get sucked through before being split up and deposited in separate parts of a strange new world; Luigi landing in the Dark Lands and Mario in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Mario is promptly lead to Princess Peach by our friendly neighourhood Toad who suggest she'll be able to help find Luigi, only for Mario to have to sneak in the castle before inadvertently attracting the attention of pretty much every guard in sight. Peach doesn't seem concerned by this random intruder in her castle though and agrees to help, provided he can pass the training course first. I was a little iffy on this at first but they do allude to Peach's mysterious past and question why she's the only human around here so I suppose it's natural that she would see some solidarity when another one shows up. I might be reading too much into that though as I'm not sure where you'd go with that as a story thread in future movies.

It's hard to be skeptical though when you get swept up in the joys of seeing all of your old favourites beautifully animated, all the characters, powerups, enemies, right down to the last question block. Including my favourite…

Baby Mario and Luigi! Given my deep nostalgia for the SNES, Super Mario World and Yoshi's Island, I did mark out a bit when these guys popped up in flash back. Yoshi's Island by the way remains one of the great video game intros of all time. Words truly fail to properly capture the majesty of a wizard koopa committing a drive by kidnapping on a stork whilst a music box lullaby plays in the background. I think that's what this movie is always going to come back to, if you've ever appreciated the Mario series at any point in your life you're going to get a kick out of this. It's a simple re-telling of Mario vs Bowser but serves as the groundwork for what will doubtless be an ongoing franchise, an origin story to branch out from. Aside from the teaser in the post credits, you also have Peach looking to the starry night sky at one point and talking of all the different 'galaxies' that are out there. Presumably we're a way off that though, you don't normally go into space until around the 4th movie. Luckily, we wont have too long to wait to find out what's next for Mario and Friends as just today Nintendo announced the next movie is due out in April 2026. Presumably they just need to find a Japanese movie they can re-skin and call Super Mario Bros. Movie 2.