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YOU ARE THE REASON
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@amycusharrowed-blog
I’d rather not think of my brother in such a position… Great. Now that I have someone to suffer with me, I feel a little better.
Really? You don’t want to hear about your brother’s sex life? That’s a shame, because I definitely know too much about it and there’s just so much I could tell you. Yeah, I’m just overjoyed at the prospect of being miserable with you.
As if you’d actually make Bellatrix pay for property damages. She’d just come over and finish off her evil children’s job. No, way I see it, you’re gonna be stuck with the monsters just as much as I am.
She would, wouldn’t she? Merlin, you poor brother. At least they’ll probably have some spectacular and angry sex making their little army of heathens. Fine, fine we’re stuck with their hell children together.
‘You can’t love me.’ Benjy let out a choked sob, he wanted to let go (in so many ways) and just run away from all of the horrible decisions he had made recently. His eyes and nose stung with tears and he stared down at Amycus’ shoulder. He couldn’t, but he had, oh god he had. And did. He still loved Amycus so much.
“I-You-God, fuck, Am, you don’t remember any of it do you? Nothing at all,” Benjy’s voice shook and he finally raised his swimming eyes to look Amycus in the face. He should have known it was bad, there had been no fucking about with that charm, none at all. But still, to not remember any of that.
Instinctively, Amycus reached up and wiped at the tears pooling in the other boy’s eyes. He didn’t know why he did it, but he couldn’t explain a single damn thing about this entire fucking reaction. All he knew was that this boy didn’t deserve to be crying. He had a sinking feeling, the more the boy spoke, that if anyone in the room deserved to be crying and miserable, it ought to be him.
“There are things I should remember?” Amycus asked slowly, wary. It would make sense, in a sick sort of way, if there were holes in his memory. It would explain a few things. What had been so important, then, that it needed to be wiped from his mind entirely? What on earth had he been about to do? Maybe Alecto had saved him from doing something stupid. That’s what she’d told him, when he’d asked about the headaches and the blanks in his mind. And then, belated, “Only Emma and my sister call me Am.”
You would do that to us? That’s just cruel. I’ll have to let the little creatures destroy your estates then. It’ll be quite a mess. Wouldn’t look very good for you. I will hold onto that hope, thank you.
You were planning on pawning them off on me. Fair is fair. Rab. Those little creatures and their parents can be held responsible for the property damage, then. Bellatrix will probably even be proud.
“I-I love you,” Benjy gasped when Amycus pulled away. He gaped for a moment. Fuck. Fuck, no. He hadn’t meant to say that, he shouldn’t say that. They had just kissed, for the first time in weeks. Benjy didn’t even understand why Amycus had done it, Amycus hated him now. Did he?
“I-I’m sorry-I can’t,” Benjy’s fingers tightened in Amycus’ shirt, and he couldn’t make eye contact with him any more and fuck. Fuck why had he come to this party in the first place? But he had and… And Amycus had kissed him and what did all of this mean?
Loved him? This boy, in love with him? Impossible. They’d never met. Amycus didn’t even recognize his face. Besides. He wasn’t exactly easy to love even when he knew someone, Merlin only knows he was impossible to love from a distance. So the boy had to be lying. Only, he didn’t look like he was lying. He still looked miserable, and Amycus still hated that he was miserable and nothing fucking made any sense why did nothing make sense he ought to have just stayed home.
Amycus stared at him, confused and tense. “You can’t love me,” He said, and it came out mean but he felt so trapped and what did it matter if he hurt this Mudblood? (It mattered, it mattered so much, this boy should never, ever look so sad) “You don’t fucking love me, because I don’t- I don’t know you, we’ve never met, why did I kiss you?”
You’re really scaring me here, Am. Those children are going to kill me. Wait! I’ve just had a brilliant idea! I’ll just bring them over to your house! I’m sure they’ll want to visit you all the time seeing as you’re such good friends with my brother. I bet they’ll even call you ‘Uncle Amy’! It’ll be wonderful. Well, if you take the wedding into account and all the preparations that go with it, I figure I might have a year or a little longer left.”
Oh no, you bring those demons over to my place and I’ll lock the whole lot of you out. Sod what Rod says about it later. His offspring can sleep in the gardens. ‘Uncle Amy’ be damned. I’ll let you keep that hope alive.
Benjy had practically climbed into Amycus’ lap, so desperate was he to maintain contact. How long was this going to last? Because it felt so good right now, nothing in his life had felt this nice in so long but right here. Right here was what mattered and he didn’t know what would happen when he had to let it go. God when had he gotten this bad? This desperate, this… God Amycus’ hands and lips and his everything, fuck him.
He had a lap full of boy and a brain full of muscle memories he couldn’t make heads nor tails of, and it didn’t fucking matter. It didn’t matter because god, what else could matter in the face of this, this thing he thought that maybe he could remember if he could just- if he could get his thoughts to stand still- He broke away, pupils blown, lips chapped, panting.
Amycus was staring at the boy’s lips, he knew he was staring. He knew he ought to say something, hit something, anything to feel like himself again. But this... this didn’t feel wrong, and that was the worst damn part about it. He’d just kissed a boy, a filthy Mudblood of a boy, and there was a part of him that cried out to do it again.
“What was that?” He demanded, even though he’d started it, even though he wanted to do it again. He hadn’t taken his hands of the boy’s waist.
“Merlin, don’t say such horrible things. Those kids will be devils, I’m sure of it. And with Bellatrix as a mother? Terrible things are going to happen in this world. Terrible, terrible things. A year, eh? That’s not nearly long enough.”
“What you don’t fancy your fate as an uncle to devilspawn? Can’t imagine why. Merlin, the very idea of the terrors those two would produce and then proceed to raise. No one will be prepared. A year if you’re lucky. I was engaged by Christmas. Though, we saw how that panned out. Maybe you’ll get lucky and your fiancee’ll get herself knocked up by a Mudblood too.”
“You can say that again. I’ll tell her you said hi when I obliterate her.”
“I hadn’t even thought of it like that. No way am I going to visit them! It’ll be complete hell there. Poor bastard… They won’t bring anything up with it but flames.” He laughed and sweeps his eyes around the room. “I just hope my parents will be too busy dealing with him to focus on arranging anything for me.
“I don’t think you’ll have a choose, they’ll probably have to make you an uncle. God, Rodolphus with kids, I’m pissing myself just thinking about it. Bellatrix with kids, those poor unborn children. Oh, you’ve got at least a year of safety left in you, don’t worry.”
Benjy moved with Amycus’ touch. He had craved this, the familiar press of their bodies together, and now he had no idea what it meant. He didn’t want to ask why Amycus was kissing him, it would break this… Whatever this was. And he wasn’t sure he would be able to live with himself.
He opened his mouth, moaning gently when Am bit his lip.
What did he have to do to make this go on forever? God, he wanted it to. He was equally repulsed by himself and giddy, in horror and in awe of the way this boy seemed to know exactly how Amycus liked getting kissed. There’s no way he could know that. Amycus didn’t kiss boys. Except, it seemed, this one.
He licked his way into the other boy’s mouth, fingers probably pressing desperate bruises into his skin. Amycus never wanted to stop. Honestly, he wasn’t sure what would happen if he did.
“Ha! Please. She’ll be the first to go. I really can’t stand her.”
“Why should we even try? Oi! I’ll have you know that Bellatrix has it waaaaay worse. Rod’s ridiculous to live with! But on a serious note, I have no idea how it’s going to work out. Sometimes it seems like they hate each other. I fear that they’ll take the world down with them one day.”
“Thank fucking Merlin, she’s an eyesore if there ever was one.”
“Please, Bellatrix will have Narcissa around endlessly, and with Narcissa comes Lucius and his peacocks and his pamperings. They’re both right screwed. They do hate each other. That’s what marriage is- hating each other until one day you hate each other a little less. Sod all if they take this world down, as long as they bring the new one up in it’s place.”
“Don’t worry about that. It might even be in the paper. I’ll be sure to knock down a few extra people on my way out for you.”
“I heard about that. They’ll look like the perfect Pureblood couple, won’t they? Oh!” Rabastan snickers as he remembers something. “Have you heard about Rodolphus? He’s betrothed to Bellatrix. Not that happy about being tied down either.” He laughs and cocks his head to the side. “It definitely would be a show…”
“Do me a favor and make McKinnon one of them, yeah? That bint sets my teeth on edge.”
“Course they will, all blonde and charming. The rest of us will pale in comparison. Rod and Bellatrix? Ha! I don’t know who I pity more. Merlin, that’ll be some wedding.” Amycus snickers. “I’d sell tickets.”
“That’s the spirit! It’s a shame you won’t be there to see it. I’ll do so much damage this year, it would make Salazar himself proud. I’ve gotta go out with a bang after all.”
“It is a dreadful thought, but it’s something we’ve got to go through. You do know we’re talking about Alecto Carrow, right? You’re sister? She’s gorgeous and all, but I think she might kill me. Not that I’d mind. It’d be quite a way to go.”
“You’ll just have to tell me all the delightfully gory details, and you best make sure not to skimp. Take the whole damn castle down on your way out, won’t you?”
“Hopefully they’ll at least find me someone attractive. Lucius got Narcissa, though, and I’m really not sure what attractive ones are left. She’d definitely kill you. But Merlin, what a show it would be.”
Benjy stared up at Amycus, mouth slightly open, but not speaking. He knew he ought to say something, but he couldn’t. What was there left to say? Please remember we were going to run, that you love me, who I am in the first place. But that wasn’t going to change anything, just saying it wouldn’t do anything.
He took a breath, no idea what he was about to say, but then Amycus was leaning in and Benjy’s heart almost stopped. Then they were kissing and Benjy pressed back, whimpering a little, desperate and needy. He had missed this, he had missed this so fucking much, he brought his hand to the back of Amycus neck, shifting forward.
Amycus reacted on instinct. If he thought about this the boy would end up on the floor, writhing in pain. He didn’t want to think about this. His head made sense for the first time in days, and he hadn’t been kissed properly in ages. Amycus could ensure this never happened again later. For the moment he could focus on making sure it continued to happen now. He slid a hand down to the boy’s waist (his name started with a ‘B’ and it was so fucking important but there it went, skittering away) and pulled him in closer. The sound the boy had made had been perfect, really. Amycus bit at the other boy’s lip slightly, wanting in ways he didn’t understand.
“A push down the stairs might be a little too tame of a punishment for my tastes. But I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you. I love the work that I do!” He laughs and takes a mocking bow. “That’s probably because you’re both at that age where everything changes. You’re both going to be leaving soon…Getting married, hopefully. My apologies if it’s too soon, but I think that’s probably her issue right now.”
“Well, never said it all had to end with pushing them down the stairs. Just think of all the possibilities.”
Amycus snorts, pushing at him lightly. “Everything’s changed enough. Ugh, getting married, what a dreadful thought. I’ve already dodged that curse once. And Andromeda wasn’t even that horrible of a prospect. Though I pity the man who thinks they can tame Alecto. Think you might give it a try, eh? We’d be brothers.”
“It’s no big deal. They’re annoying as hell, but I’ve been dealing with them for six years. I can handle them well enough.”
“It’s my job to piss him off. I’m pretty good at it, too. Oh, you two are always like that. I don’t see how you’re ever going to leave each other. You’ve been joined at the hip since I met you both.”
“Just be sure to give at least one a good push down the stairs before you leave that rotten place. Merlin knows they’ve earned one.”
“Remarkably good at it, really. Straight O’s. Sure we are, she’s just extra like that lately. Not to say I mind, but it’s beginning to feel a bit like she’s hovering. i don’t need a mum, mine’s useless enough as is.”
“What an honor! I am all for going after Potter or one of his annoying little friends.”
“Nonsense, it’ll be great. I’ll even show you were Rodolphus hides his stash. Ah, how is Alecto? It’s been a while since I’ve spoken to her.”
“Excellent choice, Rabastan. Can’t say I envy you having to deal with them next year.”
“Ratting out all your brothers hiding places? And to think I almost didn’t come to this party. She’s as violent and endearing as ever. Hanging off me like a bloody gnat, bless her. Like I’d bolt or something if she blinked twice.”
