Paralyzed With Anxiety

Normal is just a setting on a washing machine for me

[amymc007-blog]

As a former iv drug user, these words speak to me. I have to wonder how anyone can think that addiction is a choice. Do people honestly think I chose to be homeless, almost die, lose friends and family, and achieve literally nothing in life? Maybe I chose to start but why would I choose to keep going?

[amymc007-blog]

Everyone has that one song. You know that song that makes you think about the most important you have ever had a chance to meet. Well my uncle Jackie is this person I think about every time I hear this song. 
John Steven McBrine was the life of the party. If he was in the room everyone knew. I felt more like I had a big brother with him around than an uncle. When I was in the 2nd grade I was walking home from school and one of the neighborhood boys whipped a snowball,with ice, at my head. I went home crying and my uncle was furious. I remember him saying he’ll be right back and the back screen door slamming, abruptly. The next day and every day for the rest of 2nd grade after that, this young man not only walked me all the way home but he walked me up to the top step of my front stoop, shook my Nana’s hand and told her that he got me home safely. 
That is just one of the many memories I have about my uncle taking care of me and protecting me as best as he knew how. 
When I was 15 he passed away from a lethal combination of drugs. The way my neighborhood responded you would have thought that a politician passed away, in a sense the city did lose a politician type figure. 
The wake was around the block, twice. He had girlfriend after girlfriend show up during the 4 hour service. I’ve never even seen anything like this in TV or in the movies. 
After the service was over and a majority of my city was good and drunk the party moved over to the local park, where not only my uncle spent his teenage years but so did I. The cops came and joined us as neighbor after neighbor and family members took a white spray can and signed their condolences on this green wall at the end of the basketball court, that has been since torn down. The city kept his memorial up on that wall for what felt like a month. 
Maybe that was his time to go but whenever I end up in trouble I always find myself wondering what would be different if he was still around. If boyfriends would have been more respectful, if I would have experimented with drugs myself. 
I know I’m not the only person who thinks about him whenever that song comes on, it was the song that was played while his casket was being lowered into the ground, at his funeral.
The irony of it all is I later found out that Keith Richards wrote that song in 20 minutes sitting in the “Lou” while indulging in speedballs for hours. 
I doubt that when that song was chosen my family knew how that song we’d written. 
The words to the song capitulate exactly what my uncles life was like. A free spirit 
His spirit is always around me, I feel it and I just want him to know I am always thinking about him. Thank you for keeping me alive

[amymc007-blog]

Each time I listen to this song I think about how to ranged in toxic all my relationships have been. How is it OK for me to want to be with someone that basically going to want to commit crimes in a be a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Just a little food for thought thank you Amy

[amymc007-blog]

If you're easily offended you better get the dick off the internet and sign off forever

Jenna Marbles

How appropriate is it that I quote Jenna Marbles to start my very first blog ever? I actually remember around the time she released this vlog, it was during the “Blame Obama” days and just at the beginning of the end of social media the way we ever knew it.

The year is 2007 and Facebook is at it’s peak, the Jersey Shore, Laguna Beach and The Hills have taken over MTV. It wasn’t uncommon to see a tan, on a guy or girl, in the middle of January, in the Northeast. It was very rare to see a 20something concerned about politics. This is until the preliminals with Obama and Clinton. At this time everyone knew the world was about to change forever. History was about to be made. We were either going to have our first female president or our first president who wasn’t a white man

We were all there and know what has happened since then. Obama served 8 years and Clinton lost against Trump. But I am asking America, what really did happen? I have recently lost a good friend because my opinions, the opinions that out country was founded on, offended her. I pride myself of being very open minded, to an extent. I might disagree with some of the movements going on in America today but I don’t feel offended by anything. 

I am going to disclose here. I have every right in the world to be offended. I am a recovering IV drug user, All of my friends are dying. The entire media is talking about my friends and I every single day. But nothing is being done to fix it. My friends are still dying, I am still fighting for my life every single day. 

I know in order to be heard through my writing I have to bring it there, well I am about to do that just give me a second. America please tell me why is it that my life doesn’t matter anymore? I am on fire! I am fighting everyday to live! I have been called names walking down the street and judged and stigmatized. This isn’t stopping either. Two weeks ago on the train I was called a junkie. If this was another group of people, I am quite certain that there would be at least 3 riots, 2 shootings and a police officer being targeted for racism. I am not going to discuss Law Enforcement because that is my family. I am also not trying to say that I have privilege, because I do. I just want to point out that the world can be a better place if we all just had an open mind. See that person who called me a junkie on the train that day, I don't know this person’ s history. Maybe there is drugs in the family or this person is an addict in denial. Who am I to judge. I do know that it makes me a better person if I stay open minded and only worry about the cars driving in my lane with me.

So while I feel so honored to have started my very first blog ever with a quote from my blog/vlog hero, Jenna Marbles. I hope I did justice to the message she was trying to pass and maybe I can become one of her heroes in the future. My name is Amy McBrine, thanks for reading. Please look forward to hearing from me at least a few times a week. GO PATS!!!!!!!