J E Z R E E L @amyunreserved - Tumblr Blog

Gethsemane.

No one ever really talks about how lonely it gets being single.

Not that long ago, I had felt it harder than I can remember. I've felt loneliness before, all in different ways. It was a like a really horrible punch. Like "Oh shoot, I really am lonely."

It began to become evident while on vacation in Mexico with my parents. There was a sense of "I can't wait to travel with my future husband." This whole "I want to come back here with my husband." One day it just hit me like the biggest wave. My heart has physically ached. It felt so empty and broken. Suddenly it felt as if I was missing something. I had the whole puzzle nearly complete, only to realize I was missing a piece.

It sounds so contradicting to what everyone says about being whole and people don't complete us. Yes, in Christ, I lack no good thing. In Him, I am made whole. He is the mender of the broken. But what do I do about the "it is not good for man to be alone" part? What do I do when "Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh" is missing?

It usually is not the best time to go looking for it. But even when you're not looking for it, it comes to you. That's just what temptation is: Here's something you said you were missing. Doesn't it look good?

Just because it looks good doesn't mean it's right. The right thing, at the wrong time, can still be the wrong thing. It's easy to get "lost in the sauce" -- that's a multifaceted colloquial phrase you don't need to understand.

Things always have a way of unraveling. You soon realize "Oh, I really should have listened to that voice back then." And although it wasn't sin you may have fell into, it still wasn't the time to awaken love.

God gave me a promise to a healthy marriage. Instantly, I knew it would not come easy. I have to be healthy, and I have to allow a healthy person in -- this is why it's important to get to know someone and their level of health as much as possible before jumping into something. And I don't just mean physically healthy.

Regret, resentment, disappointment, depression can all creep in. God promised me He would use everything in my life. As hard as it is. As hard as it has been. As hard as it will be, His love is steadfast. His love is the perfect love I need and have always been looking for. With Him, my friends, and family, I have the love I need.

Jesus felt the same pain and loneliness I have felt. A perfect image is the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus knew He was about to be betrayed by the people He spent so much time with. Jesus felt a deep emotional pain. One of "Lord, anything but this." Jesus knew a physical pain was coming as well.

Jesus told His disciples, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me” (Matthew 26:38). He knew the pain that feels like you're about to die -- well, because He was about to actually die, too.

Even Jesus pleaded for another way. “He went on a little further and bowed His face to the ground praying, ‘My Father! if it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me, yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Matthew 26:39). He knows what it is like to wish for another way out. Sometimes God has a much bigger purpose for our pain than we know.

I love God and the deeper meanings hidden in His Word. The Hebrew word for Gethsemane means oil press. Between Matthew, Mark, Luke, andJohn, there is a variation with either using the Garden of Gethsemane or the Mount of Olives.

Matthew says Jesus' soul was crushed. I have often felt crushed. I have often felt broken. I may be broken for a moment, but He always mends. And often times, we need the crushing to release something beautiful.

An olive is crushed to make oil. A grape is crushed to make wine. A flower is crushed to release its fragrance.

Jesus was open to another way, but I am so glad He chose us. I am so glad He chose calvary. “but He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed” (Isaiah 53:5). Without His crushing, we would not have the sweetness of salvation or grace.

The crushing is unfortunately inevitable, but God promises Himself. He promises strength. He promises peace. He promises joy. He promises life abundantly.

“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. we are perplexed, but not driven to despair” (2 Corinthians 4:8).

“Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him” (Luke 22:43).

Even when life gets a little too hard, I trust Him. I trust He is there. I trust He keeps His promises. I trust He never lets me go. I trust He is working all things together for my good. I am never really alone. I am never so far lost, His love can't find me.

No matter the season, He is with me. No matter the outcome, He is there. No matter the hurt, He heals. His love is so steadfast.

“You are close to the broken heart So I know You are here right now And if this is my garden, God, Your will be done Even if my voice is shaking From my brokenness, I’ll sing Even if it’s just a whisper You hear me” - The Heartache//Local Sound

A New Chapter

Tomorrow, I turn 26. I will officially move into a new quarter. A new chapter of my life.

The last 25 chapters have been a hell of a ride. I can only see God's hand over every area of my life because Lord knows when I put my hands on things, it got messy. I am so grateful He never left me where I was.

If the last 25 years can be summed up in scripture, it would be Psalms 116:7-8...

Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.

Genuinely, the Lord has been good to me these last 25 years. Even when I did not deserve it. Even in the midst of my messiest moments. Even when I told Him I didn't believe in Him. Even when my mind was restless, He always brought rest.

The Holy Spirit constantly whispered and reminded me of His love.

There were times when the enemy tried to take me out, but the Lord saved me from death every time. I am so grateful to be alive today and reflect on His saving grace.

There were times when I could have cried over things that did not deserve my tears. He kept my eyes from tears so many times. And the times I did cry, I know that He collected each tear.

There were times when my feet were close to stumbling, but He showed me a way out. Of course there were other times when I stumbled and fell so hard. But even when I fell 100 times, He would pick me right back up and show His grace.

I am blessed beyond measure.

I have not always been obedient, but I am working on that now. I am being more obedient and want to be obedient. I know obedience is the key to His favor. If I have experienced His favor now, I cannot imagine later on in life as I continue to obey Him.

Life is better with Jesus. Here's to the next quarter with Him. Here's to all the adventures that await us.

Rewritten (II).

Hi friend! Welcome back to my channel. Just kidding, but it's been a while. Since June 2021. It is insane to me how much can happen in a year. Even 3 months. I would not imagine I would be where I am or have gone through the things that I have.

In June of 2021, my grandma passed away. I got to graduate (more-so walk, since I technically graduated in 2020). It was not how I imagined my graduation, but my life hardly ever goes the way I imagine it.

In July of 2021, I was sexually harassed in my place of work. I ended up getting a lot of anxiety from this. For the first time in my life, I got drunk. This was a new low for me. My pain was evident. I could no longer hide how I was feeling on the inside. To others, it may have been amusing but if you ask God, it definitely grieved the Spirit.

In August of 2021, I got into an argument with my little sister. Although it didn't ruin our relationship right away, this argument shook our foundation. I also got into a relationship, which thankfully I am no longer in because it was not healthy at all.

In September of 2021, I started going to the gym consistently. Learning to push past being too tired or feeling lazy has been rewarding. I could not picture myself ever saying this, but exercise really helps you feel better. I have learned to keep going and not give up no matter the pain.

In October of 2021, I got a new job. This was a miracle because I was already feeling uncomfortable at my job due to the person who harassed me. It was also a miracle because I got a job working remotely, which is something I have been praying about since 2018. The way God has graced me for this position is wild. I am so grateful.

In November of 2021, I hit a new level of rock bottom. I put myself in danger's way. I had completely isolated myself from everyone at this point. I ignored every conviction.

In December of 2021, another argument with my little sister led our relationship taking a toll. We didn't talk for months. I was blocked from her life completely. At first I was angry and bitter, but as time went by and things started changing in my life, those feelings went away. I am still praying and believing for complete restoration in our relationship.

In January of 2022, I got my dream dog. The journey with her has not been the easiest. I got her as a puppy, so I had to learn a lot with her along the way. I had to potty train her, teach her some obedience. I have had to learn discipline and routine. But I also almost had to give her up. There were arguments with my mom that my dog caused. This dog has somehow been used to test my patience and trust in God since having her.

In February of 2022, I turned 25. I hardly recognized myself anymore. Who I was at that time was not who I wanted to be. Where I was at the time was not where I should have been. Thank God I was still alive. Thank God He said He was not finished with me yet.

In March of 2022, there was a discontentment forming with my life. I owe everything to the Holy Spirit convicting me more and more. Whispering in my ear to come home. Soon enough it was hard to ignore that voice.

In April of 2022, I had the opportunity to travel to Morocco with my older sister. This trip impacted me in more than one way. I realized just how unsatisfied I was with everything in my life. How much I did not want my life to be my life. I did begin to feel a little depressed but I kept having to remind myself that God healed me from depression and suicidal thoughts.

In May of 2022, I made the decision to face all my worries and fears, and return home. I started attending church again. I fought my flesh so hard not to come home. I was so afraid that people would see me and see all the damage I had done to myself. That they would see me and see how messed up my home life was. They would see me and know all of my sins. Technically, you are reading a lot of them now. I am not ashamed of that because everything comes to the light eventually.

In June of 2022, I started getting connected and plugged back into church. I reconnected with a few friends. God was starting to remove everything that had kept me from Him. I also graduated from Bible College. Did I walk? No. Why? Because going up on stage scared the heck out of me. I was in the world and doing Bible college. Not very godly of me, right? I felt like a hypocrite. I was so filled with shame that I felt like I did not deserve to walk across that stage.

In July of 2022, my whole life completely shifted. I surrendered everything to God. I let go of a lot stuff, including that boyfriend I had. I was brought into complete repentance. My life did a 180. God was working overtime moving me out of isolation and what I thought was comfortable. He was pushing me towards obedience and complete surrender.

In August of 2022, my obedience and faith began to get tested with trial after trial. Earlier in July, I had to take a few tests health wise. August was about finding out those results and trusting God with them. I am believing I am healed the next time time I have to tested in 2023. This is something doctors do not have a cure for. I am trusting the One True Doctor to heal me.

In September of 2022, I found true contentment with my life. The trajectory of my life has completely changed and I cannot thank God enough. I began to write once again. I got a new opportunity at work, thank the Lord.

Here we are October of 2022, watching God do incredible miracles. My relationship with my little sister has drastically improved. I sought her forgiveness and have been able to work on mending our relationship. Things are getting a little hard health wise.So much that it wants to distract my mind. I am learning to take every thought captive. I went back to counseling, which I am grateful for. God has been showing me areas in my life that need Him and His healing power, so we’ve been doing some hard work here. But it has been good because He is good.

A tremendous amount of things have happened in my life. There are still 2 months left of 2022 and I still have about 3 months before I turn 26. I cannot wait to add to this later and see what else God has done. If there is anything I have learned is that the Lord is so faithful and does not stop His pursuit of us. He is constantly calling us to greater. I know He is not done with me yet. He is not done with you yet. Heed His call, friend. You won't regret it.

set-apartgirl

“Among today’s love-hungry women, a man typically doesn’t have to work very hard to win a woman’s heart and attention. In fact, often all he needs to do is flirt for a couple of minutes, and the next thing he knows she’s completely given her heart, emotions, and even her body to him. Just like settling for less than a Christ-built man, throwing ourselves at guys cheapens the amazing work that Christ has done for us. He gave up His very life to make us into His radiant princess. Why would we take such a gift lightly by throwing our feminine heart to anything male that moves? Our heart, emotions, innocence and physical purity are treasures from Heaven. These treasures are only to be entrusted to one man (our future spouse), and only after he proves he is truly worthy of such a gift.”

— Leslie Ludy (via set-apartgirl)

Rewritten.

My sweet friend, it hurts to know you're not doing so well. I know it's really hard right now. I know it feels like everything around you is unfamiliar and lonely. So much has gone unsaid. Often sitting in silence.

Healing is not linear and recovering can be incredibly painful. All those places that were broken and hurt have to be addressed, healed and strengthened. I know it's hard to see the result now, but you'll be back and better than ever.

It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to be angry. Just don't dwell on it, my dear. Let yourself fall down, but always remember to get back up and keep going.

Your journey does not look like everyone else's for a reason. As much as their chapter 35 looks amazing, your chapter 24 is vastly important. It cannot be skipped. Please take your time reading it, immersing yourself in the details that were already known to the Grand Author.

Where you are is the in-between of death and resurrection. The Great Sabbath. Filled with uncertainty. Dark. Painful. Trying. That was the day He went through Hell for you. As dark as these moments may be, know that at an hour like this, you were being fought for. When it feels like no one knows what you feel, remember He does because He went through it first. He re-wrote the ending for you. So please, please don't give up. Don't close the book just yet.

You are loved and forgiven.

A Yearly Review.

It has been a while, my friend. This year was a whirlwind of a year unlike any other. The first half was not as hard as the second half. We succeeded at our last semester of undergrad despite the changes that came halfway through it. We held a bible study with friends, worked out with them... all online. We started working full time. We managed to travel and explore new places and food. We tried new activities and weathered several storms. There was a newfound peace despite it all.

Suddenly the virus began to hit close to home. Anger, frustration, and confusion settled. The months passed and the year got worse. A lot was stolen this year from our life. No matter what was taken, God has always been faithful. All I pray is that the weight becomes a little lighter this new year. Come what may, I will obey.

Here’s to you, 2021.

a-bright-ray-of-sunshine

"Breathe, darling. This is just a chapter. It's not your whole story."

—S.C Lourie

Principles

With everything going on in the world and in our nation, it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed. You have a lot of different perspectives coming at you. As scientifically sound it might seem, it may not be biblically sound. Mike Todd said it best, what is not based on principles is just an opinion. It goes back to the saying that “if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything.” That’s what gets us as Christians. That’s where we start to get divided. Because all we want to do is share our opinion. But what does God say about it? What does the Bible say?

Some of y’all wonder why people leave the faith. Or why we are so disliked. Sometimes we are so quick to blame the enemy for the division. All he needs to do is plant a seed. We do the rest of the work. We believe it, feed it and let it grow. So then we end up fighting over who is right and wrong. If we really knew what was right we would do it and do it right. And if you want to say that you’re human and make mistakes, that’s fine. But we should know better. We have access to better. We have access to Goodness Himself. He have been given grace in abundance. We should be doing better. As Christians, we bear the image of Christ. When people look at us, they should see Jesus. They should see everything He is about. Stop letting the world tell you what to be upset about. Ask God to break your heart for what breaks His. His children divided is definitely one of them.

To my non-believing friends: I apologize on the behalf of myself and many others in the Christian community for not doing as we should. I apologize for any pain and confusion you might have felt. I know that the God I serve sees you. He hurts with you. He cares for you and this hurting world very deeply.

A Tale of Two Sisters.

It is going to make three months since my heart and mind have been stuck in Genesis 29 through 30. Allow me to explain the significance of this passage. But first: a summary.

Basically this is the part where Jacob runs away from home to avoid his brother’s wrath. He ends up meeting this girl named Rachel, falls head over heels for her, and wants to marry her. He asks Rachel’s dad for permission, gets married, then realized he was tricked into marrying Rachel’s older sister Leah. He finally gets to marry Rachel shortly after, but they struggle to have kids. However, Leah and Jacob are able to have kids because God saw how much Leah was unloved by Jacob.

When I first read this part of the story, I empathized with Leah. I felt her pain. I not only understood what it was like to be her, I felt like I actually was her. I know rejection from the hand of a man so well. Leah gave her body up to Jacob. Maybe I can make him love me if I give him children. Maybe I’ll get some affection if I have sex with him. Girl, I’ve been there and done that. You can have sex with a guy all he wants, but it will never make him love you.

You cannot force somebody to want you. You cannot force somebody to love you like you love them.

Now with Rachel, Jacob was having sex because he loved her. They were “making love” but they were not making babies. In verse one of chapter 30, Rachel grows jealous of Leah. What’s important to note in this verse is that Rachel begs Jacob “Give me a child, or I’ll die.” Rachel is making an idol out of Jacob, treating him like God. She is behaving like he has all the power in the world to give her a baby. She was also idolizing having a baby. As if a baby is the be-all, end-all. Rachel was basically saying that if she didn’t have a child, there was no point in her being alive.

We are more than what we produce.

Jacob knew she was placing her hope in the wrong thing. She continued to face disappointment because things were not going the way she wanted it to. So Rachel takes matters into her own hands. Jealousy does that to people. It says “God owes me this thing.” Jealousy can drive a person to do the utmost.

Jacob tells Rachel he is not to blame for their infertility, that she should take it up with the Lord. But instead, she forces her servant to have sex with Jacob and get pregnant. Rachel begins to name those sons as if they were her own.

Just because you call dibs on something, does not mean it is rightfully yours.

Rachel’s jealousy and impatience drove her into manipulation. She wanted to take control of the situation. She thought God had actually blessed her. But God cannot bless what He does not give.

What God gives you is rightfully yours. What He does not give you does not belong to you. He will always give you what is meant for you.

Rachel ended up having two sons of her own after much turmoil. She could have saved herself plenty of trouble if she had not tried to manipulate the situation. If she had not tried to force a child into existence.

We can save ourselves so much trouble, pain, disappointment, mind battles, if we only trust the Lord and His timing.

What I love about God is that He shows up for both Leah and Rachel. He hears both of their cries. He sees both of their heart’s desires. Leah came to know that the love of God was more satisfying than the love a man could ever offer her. She learned to praise Him through her pain. Rachel learned to put her faith in God rather than men. Man will always disappoint. *Insert a joke about how you can’t spell disappointment with out men here.* Here was two sisters that let a man come in between them. The problem was never actually the man, but rather it was the condition of each of their hearts.

God will always check your heart with kindness, gentleness, and so much grace.

Betty Botter & Her Bitter Butter.

The topic of bitterness has been on my head a lot lately so I want to talk about “Betty” and the bitterness in her life.

What is bitterness?

Bitterness can either be the lack of total sweetness, a pungent taste. Or it can be anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly, resentment.

I personally have been bitter with some people in my life that I believed treated me poorly. Bitterness can easily grow in our lives if we’re not careful. It affects more than just ourselves. The word bitter comes from an old German word that means “to split.” If we let it, bitterness has the power to split up relationships.

Some ways we can become bitter include:

Holding unforgiveness towards others

Holding unforgiveness towards yourself

Holding others to a higher standard than you hold yourself

Believing things will never get any better

Setting a high expectation on what the “end” should look like

But what does bitterness actually look like?

Guilt: It says “I owe them for what I did. They may (or may not) deserve it.”

Anger: It says “They owe me for what they did. I don’t deserve this.”

Greed: It says “I owe it to myself. I deserve this.”

Jealousy: It says “God owes me. I deserve this.”

I read something not that long ago that said “Sometimes people pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty about the things they did to you.”

If I’m honest, I had three encounters of bitterness, however they looked very different.

One said everything was okay. Acted like nothing happened. Slowly distanced themselves. Then ignored my existence altogether for a good while. When they realized someone was watching them, they began to act like everything was okay but with resistance and hostility.

Another said everything was okay. Acted like nothing happened. Privately acknowledged my existence, but publicly ignored me to prove they had nothing to do with me.

Maybe you’re thinking what did I do. I strongly believe I did nothing to either person. I believe I spoke out in truth. I know they each got hurt somehow. Perhaps they both acted out of anger and guilt, I don’t know. I only know how they each made me feel and how I had to learn to deal with it.

Because I felt hurt, I experienced my own bitterness. I was incredibly angry. I felt like I did not deserve it. But I also felt like I did deserve what happened because I did not act sooner. I had to learn life wasn’t about who deserves what. I had to forgive them, and I had to forgive myself. I could have sat around and considered myself so high for not deserving something or pray for their hearts to change. My heart had to change. I did not want to run the risk of bitterness holding me back from all the things God has for me. I could either reciprocate the bitterness or extend grace.

The word bitter in Greek is pikria, which talks about a bitter root that then produces a bitter fruit. This word stems from pikros, relating to a piercing feeling. Bitterness starts within a person. It stems from their heart and grows outward. If you believe your bitterness remains unnoticeable with your fake smile, you’re wrong. It shows in your behaviors, in your words. And bitterness pierces. It pierces your own heart and your relationships.

What does the Bible say about bitterness?

Romans 3:14 “Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.”

Revelation 8:11 “The name of the star was Bitterness. It made one-third of the water bitter, and many people died from drinking the bitter water.”

Ephesians 4:31 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.”

Hebrews 12:15 “Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.”

So my dear “Betty,” it’s time to buy a bit of better butter so your batter won’t be bitter.

A Movement.

What a time to be alive. Injustice has been done to my black brothers and sisters for generations. Brave lives have constantly fought for justice. This time around, the sound rings louder. The world is uniting and putting their foot down.

This semester of college has made me reflect the most on myself and what I stand for. I was privileged enough to have a black professor that was willing to walk with me and guide me into checking my heart. She showed me ways to influence others. June 2nd was asked by some to be a “blackout.” The purpose was to show solidarity. The following actions were to mute our own non-black content, making room for the voices of our black brothers and sisters to be heard. I challenged myself to post content from black creators for a week. I challenged myself to sit and reflect on my own actions, and to listen to the voices that are hurting.

This is what I learned:

Racism, oppression, and violence are demonic spirits.

All lives will not matter until black lives matter.

Be quick to listen.

Speak the truth even if your voice is shaken.

You won’t gain everyone’s approval all the time.

You may not understand everything, nor agree with every method.

Just because you don’t experience something doesn’t mean it does not exist.

Heart-work is hard work.

It is okay to stop and recharge, but remember to begin again.

God loves this hurting world so much.

I had a lot of conversations this week. I listened to the stance and thought process of blacks and non-blacks. I had to sit with myself and check my heart. These are the honest questions that I asked myself:

Where have I appropriated black culture?

Why was I fighting to say the n-word so bad as a Hispanic?

How can I appreciate black talent?

Am doing this to participate in some sort of “black spirit week”?

Why am I not participating in protests?

What is behind my personal trauma?

Where was the start of their trauma?

How do they live in daily fear of their own lives?

What was it about George Floyd that made this different from all the other times we said “enough was enough”?

Are we making a martyr out of a criminal?

Who is undeserving of second chances?

Aren’t I undeserving of some of the “second” chances I have been given?

What will happen at the end of this week?

Is this a moment in time for me or a movement?

How can I move forward with change?

When will things go back to “normal”?

What is “normal”?

I pray to God we do not go back to “normal”. I do not want to go back to the way things were last week, two weeks ago, even last month. I want better. I want healing. I want fear to be cast out. I want less room for jealousy and greed. I want more room for love. I want more room for Jesus.

I want God. In every area of my life. Because God knows I am not perfect, but I sure do need Him.

One Degree Hotter.

This girl is officially done with her undergrad! This morning, I would have sat in the heat with my friends. I would have been waiting to shake the hands of faculty as I walk across the stage. Waving at my family in the distance as my name gets called. Then trying to find them in crowd afterwards for pictures.

None of that happened today. Maybe one day. But I’m not that upset about it honestly. I know God has better plans than my own. As much as I try, I may never be able to make sense of this situation.

The same thing applies to other aspects of my life. Though I have endless questions, though I try to rationalize the situation, it may never make any sense.

Honestly, I am glad my life is not defined by moments like this. Getting a degree is no easy task. I do not take it for granted, but I am so glad I did not wrap my whole life around striving for a piece of paper. It is the journey that has made me who I am, not a degree.

There were countless of tears shed. Long nights. Early mornings. Break down after break down. Heartbreak after heartbreak. I wish I could say that I did it, but it really wasn’t just me.

My parents were along for the ride. Pushing me to give my best, praying for the mind battles to cease. I have had friends and mentors who have guided me and prayed for me as well. Most importantly, there was God.

He gave me the grace to sustain. When I was rocked, He remained my Rock. He became my firm foundation. I may be one degree hotter, but I am a thousand miles further from hell.

I am so grateful for His mercy, forgiveness, and relentless love. He gave me life. He gave me hope when I had none. Just when I thought my life was over, He whispered “I’m not done.”

I’m not even halfway done with my journey here on earth. Here’s to the next steps!

Fast Train.

I have been in quarantine for a whole month and already so much has happened that I can’t help but be grateful for.

I don’t think I have ever felt this productive in a while.

I am in the last inning before I am all done with my Bachelor’s. One month to go. The days are going by so much faster than I anticipated. Each day is filled with so many tasks.

I am so grateful for leaders who have pushed me in my current ministry. So I am currently working on prioritizing “non-negotiables” and managing my time better.

Today, as tough as it was mentally, was one of my favorite days in quarantine.

I was serving for church all day long. Somehow i had time to have my morning devotionals. I had time for breakfast. I had time to lead my Bible study. I was able to do homework. I had lunch. I got ahead with some projects while serving. Then I worked out with some friends.

I am writing this because I had a bit to reflect on the good of today before jumping on a conference call. When that was over, I had some personal time with the Word and worship.

Here I am, writing about my day.

Today, I was reminded of my why. In the midst of feeling hurt and heartbroken, I found joy. I found peace. I found contentment. I am so content with where I am.

As my church held baptisms in the comfort of our homes, I watched lives of all ages be transformed. I get to be at the forefront to display the Lord’s work for the world to see. I get to serve the Lord in every capacity.

This season has me growing and stretching in my task management. My days are filled with tons of responsibilities. From doing schoolwork, helping my dad with work, cooking (I’ve learned to cook so much!!), cleaning, hosting a Bible study, having team meetings, going to therapy, serving the church throughout the week, and somehow finding ways to take care of myself physically and spiritually.

God and I are currently working on my emotional health because that got shaken up this week (a story for another time).

Regardless, I know and trust I am becoming the woman God has called me to be. I got a vision of her and now I am watching her unfold before my own eyes.

If I place myself outside of my body, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that God is real. God is good. God is working.

I have come so far in less than a year. My therapist was so right when he said God is putting me on the fast train.

Let’s see where this goes... !

twloha

There is so much power in talking about the things no one talks about. So many people are suffering in silence, simply because they’ve never been given permission to voice the things they’re going through. And sometimes if we are able to share our own story, we can help someone else understand theirs.

Anna Gayle, “Depression Is Not a Bad Word” (via twloha)

Check Point.

The last 24 hours have been so monumental. I don’t know if I have ever felt more empty and satisfied at the same time. This month has been testing and hard and fulfilling.

At the beginning of the month, my heart ached for my one of my sisters. I cried to my parents. I cried to friends. Just when I felt things were getting worse, my God pulls through.

Things were really improving with my other sister. I don’t know if we’ve ever laughed like that before. Then things got rocky, to be honest, but I know it doesn’t end there.

As I watched fear spread across the world, I watched it consume my mom. I’ve seen it control her before and to see it happen again was scary.

School going into online mode before the rest of the state took a shelter in place stance shifted the whole semester. Honestly, I hated the fact that I was going to be home more often dealing with everyone. It has forced me to confront things which, in retrospect, is a good thing.

With graduations changing, mine included, and the flower market being shut down I was really starting to worry about my family’s finances. I found my mom’s fear transferring onto me.

At the beginning of the month, I applied to write for a woman’s ministry. As the deadline to hear back approached and hearing nothing so far, I lost hope in just about everything. (You’d think I would be used to rejection by now.)

My dad has been my rock through this all. He has kept the faith believing everything is going to be fine. Sometimes I think he puts up a hopeful front just to keep us calm. I have watched him stay positive and try to find the benefit in every situation. He has stepped up to the plate being the only active parent while my mom quarantines in Mexico. I love seeing this side of him.

This time last week, I was drowning in fear. Today is different.

On Friday, I was drenched in fear. On Saturday, I had a check point with my heart. On Sunday, God showed me how tight He is holding onto me and my family. On Monday, God gave me a wake up call.

Never would I have guessed I would be where I am today. God is so good.

Monday, my friends and I decided to take advantage of the quarantine to stay connected every day through a Bible Study. They nominated me to lead it.

I had a vision of myself being in front of a classroom, but I never pictured it starting off this way. I get to teach a child. I get to teach someone who is older than me. I get to teach. I never expected God to use me this way or to even move in the way that He has. God has such bigger plans than I can even conjure up.

GOD IS SO GOOD.

Last night... Last night was powerful. God uses children in supernatural ways. God uses everything for His glory. I mean EVERYTHING. He used a child to see and hear a demon. He used me to identify it. He used my sister to find the reason and meaning behind it. (Yes, we prayed it to break off.)

The same sister who I was so concerned for, at the beginning of the month, had breakthrough! She said, “I can’t interpret that. I haven’t talked to God in a hot minute.” BUT GOD. She went back in her own private time and spent time with God to help break this thing off my friends’ family.

I am soooo glad I was obedient and said YES to His call.

God is moving. Even when I can’t see it. Even when I don’t feel it. God is hard at work.

I’m only a vessel in God’s Kingdom. Some days I would feel so empty, I would hate it. Now, I feel empty and filled at the same time. My heart is full. Joy has overwhelmed me. Peace has flooded me. I’m so honored to pour out on others.

This was probably the most incoherent entry, and it’s only because I am so excited and pumped with passion, but I needed to document such a shift. I need this to look back on. When my hope starts to dwindle, when fear starts to creep, when I forget the purpose...

This is why I’m here. This is who I’m here for.

Note to self: YOUR OBEDIENCE IS BIGGER THAN YOU.

Three Years Ago Today: Take Two

Here we are again. Three years later and the same feelings reside. I read my letter to my “future husband” that year. I once again didn’t get a “happy birthday” last week from the person I wanted to hear it the most. I was fine with the absence, until today. But then again, a lot has changed and I am fine.

This year we are breaking this pattern. Fasting boys has not been easy. There are things my flesh wants to do to get over the memories that stain my mind. I know that no matter how many dudes I let come into my life, I won’t be able to erase this one. It’s not just fasting all boys that’s hard. It’s fasting him. I think the hardest part is starving my mind from thoughts about him. Starving my ears from his voice. My eyes from his face. My phone from his texts.

As I’m starving myself from attention and affection I don’t need, I am filling myself up with the attention and affection of True Love. I’ve been talking to God more often. I’ve been more open and willing to share my heart with Him. I still have questions, but I want to seek the Answer Giver. I’m finding out more and more, He has been the answer all along.

God is so relentless. He’s been so good to me. As heavy as this heart is, I know it is safely in hands strong enough to carry it.

Here we are again, falling more and more in love with Him.

Trustworthy.

“In his unfailing love, my God will stand with me” (Psalm 59:10).

How many times have we trusted someone only for them to let us down over and over again? How much harder is it for us to learn to trust others when we’ve been disappointed time and time again? Also, how many times have we been entrusted with something only to let that person down? But that’s what happens with humans, we often let others down.

The good thing about God is that He is NOT human and is completely incapable of letting me down. Why? Because if He is the Way, the Truth and the Life; He has no other option to be anything else. He has removed any option to lead me astray, to lie to me, and to lead me to death. People will fail me and I will fail others because I am not the essence of truth.

He is trustworthy; meaning He is able to be relied on as honest or truthful. He is reliable: consistently good in quality or performance. He is honest; He cannot lie. God is good, so He never leaves us nor forsakes us. He won’t suddenly throw a curveball and leave us only to come back a few days later, that is not Him. He stands right beside us.

God will constantly bring us to a point where He can ask us if we trust Him. We cannot say we trust Him with total confidence if we don’t truly believe He is not going to fail us. How can I know He won’t let me down like everyone else has? By deeply knowing Him. Allowing Him to show you that failing you is completely outside of His character. He is Love and real love never fails.

Where is God calling you to trust Him? What is holding you back?

Know your life is most secure in His hands.

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