anais 📜

God loves you, but not enough to save you

[anaislookssocool]

with my memory restricted to a polaroid in evidence ♡

~ london ‘24 by me

[lovenliterature]

A warm house in the cold

It feels strange to be meeting another December This season of almost-healing and not-quite scars

To be saying goodbyes by choice Some of them permanent Some, temporary and inevitable and couched in plans of “next time” and “when we're back”

I slipped on the ice and called it home for the first time yesterday You know I don't mean these four walls I mean you and I and this place we made and our clashing colours and thrift store finds and panic buys The way our friends find their way here when in need of food or love or company Or when they want to make us food and show us love I am so lucky

Sometimes I forget how much I fucking missed you when we were apart It feels natural and easy as breathing to come home to you

Home is this city and that couch and the fairy lights and my baking mishaps and your insatiable thirst for yarn and free plants And I can't believe I thought of leaving before I had this

I can't imagine leaving before I have to, now

Prompts for November

[sharpenededges]

[maniccherrygirl]

[leighcest]

[medianaranja]

what if we kissed at the brokeback mountain 20th anniversary rerelease

[coffeepeople]

anyway, when it’s all gone, something carries on

[anaislookssocool]

‘when one world ends, the other worlds keep spinning’

[silentfields]

in my heart I know god will forgive me for jorking it to houseofpsychoticwoman

[mothercain]

thoughts on the word nostril because i hate it

i think lily-rose depp needed more screen time

[mothercain]

“vacillator” video out tomorrow at 12pm EST

[mothercain]

Perverts is officially out. Thank you so much to Matthew Tomasi for his drums on Vacillator (and the boom on Amber Waves), Angel Diaz for the lapsteel and baritone guitar on Punish that makes my world go round, the upright bass on Onanist, and that lapsteel and e-piano also on Amber Waves, Madeline Johnston for her heavenly metal on Amber Waves (a track she served as an intense inspiration for), and Bryan De Leon for his acoustic stylings on Etienne. Y’all make my world go round.

I’d also like to think the natural drone music that exists everywhere in this world, in transformer boxes and powerlines on the side of the highway, in the radio static of an empty AM frequency, in the fan of my computer as my Ableton project files overloaded the CPU, and in the distant roar of the interstate on the other side of my favorite field. I love you, sound, you have always been there for me.

Thank you for listening, I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I lo

[mothercain]

[lovefilledd]

[anaislookssocool]

“mental health walk” i say to myself as i cry my way through an empty forest

[mothercain]

I turn off the yellow lights so the bathroom is only red. The sound of the cheap projector spinning, humming quietly, endlessly. I close the door and I lock it and then close the door and I lock it and then I stand under the water. The drugs round the corners of the shower slightly and I'm able to stick my hand through the tile if I want but only if I want. I will always look for a crack in the wall through which to feel it. To touch it. To put it in my mouth and my mouth on it. It's easier when it is dark and when it is cold or when it is suffocatingly hot but always when I'm alone. It does not come to me where other people can see it, unless I take the drugs, at which point no one can see me though I can see all of them. I want to stare at the sun for a while, but not nakedly. Instead I hang up quilt over quilt and watch it try to get through. I want to take more drugs because I want to get high because I want to see it and wrap myself up in it. Maybe I should do drugs before I do interviews. I make all my music high out of my mind, it seems silly to talk about it later while sober. Do I even know what I'm talking about when I'm sober? I'm recounting a memory of an experience I had with God, now with God having left the room. I don't have to explain to you what I'm talking about it, you already know. I don't care who you are, you know. You've been alone at least once in your life so you know. I blacked out every window of my bedroom in the attic in Pennsylvania and I rocked back and forth on my bed with the drugs and I cried asking for it to come to me. I want it all the time. I am so angry that it will let me near but it won't let me stay. It's so cruel. It laughs at me when I realize we are not the same. I'm going to take more drugs and get in the shower and put my hand through the tile. I know you can hear me. It's happening to everybody.

[mothercain]

days go by, time on without me

[mothercain]

Punish, off my new project Perverts, is out November 1st.

Perverts will release January 8th.

Single art by @silkenweinberg ♡