serendipity

[analisacinta]

the one i cannot talk about.

not the easiest person to love.

she has this bad habbit of overthinking, she tends to overreact more than she should, and she gets a little insecure every once in a while.

she’s isn’t capable of fully trusting you, she doesn’t even know when to stop fighting with you even when she’s wrong, and she has no problem pushing you away if she feels like you’re close to hurt her.

she will be needy for your attention, she’ll want to literally take up all of your time & she’ll require a lot of reassurance.

but when she’s in love with you, she can promise that you’ll be loved with such passion and intensity that you’ll forget what is life felt before she came along bcs she’ll always be there to put your heart back together after breaking it.

loving her means you get to see her at her worst and most vulnerable & that is something that you’ll have to be strong enough to handle, bcs she needs someone who’s patient enough to understand why she is who she is today.

so it’s not gonna be an easy relationship with her, i’ve told you a million times before. people get tired of her & leave, meanwhile they don’t know that she’s also tired but always choose to stay.

i really am sorry to put you in that position, she never wanted be in that way either.

21.21

[analisacinta]

Dear Analisa,

Pilih dia yang jujur dan setia, menjadikanmu satu-satunya.

Pilih yang pandai memaafkan.

Pilih ia yang memberimu tempat lebih besar dari sekedar ego nya sendiri.

Pilih ia yang tau cara memperlakukanmu.

Pilih ia yang ingin tetap memelukmu meski kamu membuatnya marah.

Pilih ia yang sanggup meredam amarahmu.

Pilih ia, yang akan tetap memilihmu, meski seluruh kurangmu telah ia ketahui satu-persatu.

Pilih ia yang selalu berterimakasih, meski hanya untuk hal-hal kecil.

Dan pilih ia yang mau bertahan, dikondisi apapun, menerima, memperbaiki bersama.

Jika sudah menemukan, jaga baik-baik, banyak sekali orang yang mencintai kelebihanmu, tapi belum ada yang menerima kurangnya kamu.

Jangan lupa yang utama, pilih ia yang karena Allah, karena Ridho Nya ia menjadi pasanganmu.

Kalo gak bisa sekarang, memang belum waktunya, bukan salah siapa-siapa.

20 Maret 2020

[analisacinta]

well i dunno which is more painful. not knowing? or finding the answer? i dunno which is more ironic. to hear the truth? or to live a comfort lie? if only everything was based on honesty & trust, then we know that disappointment will never come.

[analisacinta]

lot of things about this year is broke my heart. i’ve been lied so many times with so many people, so yes i’ve been hurt, this year has been hard. but i really am grateful to be here. if there’s anything i learn about this year is that forgiving is everything i need. i finally understand that gratitude is the highest frequency which i can radiate in order to be happy and at peace with myself. so after everything i’ve been through this year, i am ready right now to forgive everything, to feel so good about the present, to feel excited and positive about the future, and so to have my own inner peace, i need to forgive the past, forgive myself and forgive others. i am forgiving. i forgive everyone who ever hurt me, and i’m doing it for me. not because they asked for my forgiveness, or because they deserve it, or because the pain they caused me isn’t worth it. but because i cannot truly move on without forgiving. i know that life isn’t always fair, and that someone’s behavior speaks of them, not me. also my forgiveness speaks of me, not them. so i forgive the past completely and as i forgive the past, i am at my peace. again i’ll always remember how everything that i go through, has a major purpose behind it. allow me to remind myself, how these problems shape me as a person, mold me as who i am supposed to be, strengthen me & make me wiser, smarter, even more mature. thank’s to you @analisacinta, we will do better next year & i know i can count on you. we survived 2020, and i am grateful for that. https://www.instagram.com/p/CJeTwikMq2osADhB9EKSABXJJeCDsaCCZ03Z5Q0/?igshid=1zw3pc74nls4

[analisacinta]

Crazy thing about being betrayed is, I don't just lose trust in people. I begin to doubt wheter or not I can trust myself, my judgement and my emotions.

It's like I got bit by a snake and wonder how I didn't see it coming, so I start blaming love for having me blind. I start resenting my heart because it forced me to feel. I start shutting down more and more each day until even the best parts of me become bitter.

Then I begin to wonder... Why lie to me when I was real with you? Why play games with me when I was true to you? Why betray me when I was nothing but loyal to you? I ask and I ask but none of the answers ever make sense.

Until it finally clicks, then I realize that just because I treat people right doesn't mean they'll do right to me. I realize that just because am truthful doesn't mean i wont get lied to.

I see people I thought I knew acting put of character just so strangers find them impressive. Then I smarten up and I learn not to let selfish people surprised me. I learn how to let the liars go and fakers fail. And I stopped doing whatever am doing back then, and I thank God for growth. The kind of growth that helps me accept and see things clearly.

-Analisa Cinta

18 July 2020

[analisacinta]

orang-orang yang merindu, namun tetap menjaga kehormatan perasaannya, ia takut sekali berbuat khilaf, lebih memilih senyap, terus memperbaiki diri hingga waktu memberikan kabar baik, boleh jadi doa-doa nya telah menguntai tangga yg indah sampai ke langit. jika pada akhirnya bukan bersama yang dirindukan, boleh jd diganti yang lebih baik.

[analisacinta]

dear Analisa, please be proud of yourself for how you handled 2019, for how many battles you fought silently. how you had to humble yourself, wipe your own tears, how you pulled through even when you thought you couldn’t. i know, the problem don’t end, do they? everytime there’s something new that comes up. everytime you’ve think you found happiness, you realize you haven’t. everytime you think you found peace, something happens to ruin your peace. it’s difficult i know, it’s hard when you’re thrown into a pool of problems & hardships & when you deal with that, you’ve jumped into another one which is drastically worse & deep. but please let me remind you how everything that you go through, has a major purpose behind it. allow me to remind you, how these problems shape you as a person, mold you as who you’re supposed to be, strengthen you & make you wiser, smarter, even more mature. sometimes the pain may outweigh the benefits, but most of the time it happens that the pain has only blinded the positives, but trust me, you’ll see that rainbow & feels the butterflies exactly in ur stomach after your struggles, and at that time, you’ll tell yourself it was all worth it, so just hold on. and i promise you, 2020 gonna be better🌈💜 
https://www.instagram.com/p/B6vlvQuFu1OrBbQ0rECiemsZAAXWNgXUTIQOQ80/?igshid=tz2cvou0asoz

[analisacinta]

siapa yang lucu?

merasa butuh menulis lagi setelah 2thn tidak.

jadi begini, ternyata..

kita ini lucu. mudah menyalahkan, tapi tak mau disalahkan.

kita ini lucu, ngomel-ngomel sama orang pelanggar aturan, tapi di lain hari sambil tertawa melanggar aturan sama dengan alasan terpaksa.

kita ini lucu, sangat gampang mengkritik, tapi giliran dikritik, kita memarahinya balik.

kita ini lucu, selalu ingin dimengerti, padahal ketika ingin seperti itu, berarti kita tidak mau mengerti orang lain.

kita...eh kamu ini lucu, kemarin bisa sangat membuat aku seperti wanita yg paling di inginkan tiba-tiba hari ini make me feelin’ like the most un-wanted person in ur life.

i know, saat ini aku yg lucu, merasa sangat lelah dan tidak ada gunanya menunggu, tapi aku terus melakukan itu.

aku ini lucu, selalu berharap semua hal dan orang berjalan persis seperti yang aku inginkan, padahal aku bukan Tuhan.

aku ini lucu, sering kali merasa benar, dan orang lain tidak boleh melakukan kesalahan.

aku ini lucu, mengeluh tentang selalu disakiti, tapi tidak juga beranjak pergi dari orang yang menyakiti.

ternyata lebih lucu aku, tapi sering tidak merasa kalau aku ini lucu.

kalo kamu saat ini ya jelas ngga lucu, merasa paling disakiti seakan-akan aku yang gak tau diri.

eh tapi kita lucu, punya sayang luar biasa tapi saling menyakiti luar biasa.

setelah ini semua berhasil dilewati, you will be ready, i trust you, i owe you this.

kamu harus baik-baik aja, terimakasi ya?

aku pamit.

Analisa Cinta,

13 November 2019

[analisacinta]

each man had a role to play.

[analisacinta]

they can say how much both you proud of me all they want but the fact is YOU guys that made it. can produce 20yo girl as a bachelor of law, it is both of you that everyone must be proud of most! terimakasi ya Ibu & Ayah mau bnyk berkorban dari caca kicyil smp skrg masi kicyil juga wkwkw, i love you @echyart_makeup & @chef.lili. (at Universitas Kristen Maranatha)

[analisacinta]

Another 6th of February.

here i am again, another sixth of February.

remember when i was nineteen & i said that my twenty gonna be a good year ahead? well, my twenty literally did it.

i let myself to have a new beginning, and be happy. i got my law degree, in my twenty. i found that lovable guy i always prayed of, in my twenty. best part is, i still have a complete & pwerfecttt happy little family.

i did it.

perfectly.

now my legal age is start, welcome 21!

i know after everything, contrast will still exist and from it i will find more things that i desire, i embrace that contrast that comes everyday, and i keep it bcs i understand that it’s not me leaving my path, i understand it’s me still on my path, and every single day i’ll be kindly aware with the way that i feel.

and yes, i succeed find a reason to make me feel good, to always be happy. i know that i’ve coming to this physical reality for some reason. so now i promise me that it has to be better in every year ahead.

the last two years have been the most informative, hurtful, thoughtful, altering, molding, powerful, accepting, and yet as far is the happiest year of my life.

alhamdulillah.

thank you so much, dear twenty years old me. you really are a good start i always dreamed of.

officially 21yo,

Analisa Cinta, S.H.

[analisacinta]

I know you might think that i hated goodbye the most. I know you might think that there’s nothing between us, but there is, at least for me. Here’s the thing, as much as i hate saying goodbye, it is worst being left with no goodbye. I thought you know that, I wished you knew that. Again, you left me hanging with no choice. So, i’ll see you when i see you, then?

[analisacinta]

Mungkin kita memang sedang tidak hendak beranjak ke mana-mana.

Kita hanya sedang duduk-duduk di sini, menikmati waktu yang pelan-pelan menyelinap lewat kata-kata yang bermain di tepian jemari. Kita tidak sedang terburu-buru. Kita tidak sedang terlambat. Kita tidak sedang mengejar waktu. Tidak sedang bergegas menuju ke suatu tempat.

Sesekali salah satu dari kita akan beranjak pergi. Yang lain tidak akan mempertanyakan, tidak akan mencegah, tidak akan mengejar. Cukup satu kedipan dan lambaian tangan, serta pesan: hati-hati di jalan.

Tak ada janji yang diucapkan. Ia yang pergi tak pernah berkata bahwa ia akan kembali. Ia yang tinggal tak pernah berkata bahwa ia akan menunggu hingga yang pergi kembali.

Ini bukan tentang rasa percaya. Ini semacam rasa pasrah. Bahwa semua yang memang untukmu, pada akhirnya akan kembali padamu. Dan semua yang bukan untukmu tak akan menjadi milikmu, tak peduli sekuat apapun kamu mencoba.

Mungkin kita memang hanya saling menemukan, meski tak pernah saling kehilangan. Kita adalah dua orang yang kebetulan tengah duduk bersisian: lalu berbagi matahari, laut, langit, kapuk yang beterbangan, cahaya, ilalang, bebatuan, jejak bintang…

Saya akan sesekali pergi. Kamu akan sesekali pergi.

Suatu hari nanti, kita mungkin akan pulang. Entah ke mana. Mungkin ke tempat ini lagi. Atau ke tempat lain.

Mungkin saya kembali. Mungkin kamu kembali. Mungkin juga tidak. Tetapi semua itu bukan masalah.

Karena saat ini kita memang sedang tidak hendak beranjak ke mana-mana. Dan saat ini, adalah tujuan kita, hanya untuk sementara.

[analisacinta]

Untuk setiap rencana yg tak jd di luar batas kemampuan kita dalam mencegah, semoga tergantikan dengan yang lebih baik, lebih indah.

[analisacinta]

No I will never do anything around him anymore, I won't.

[analisacinta]

Your Birthday Present, Cac!

dear 19 yo Me, so here it is, my early 20s. the teenage years are up and I'd like to give a commemoration: here's to puberty for eliciting more double-takes (the good kind). here's to the boys I lost myself in, and the friends that helped find me. to my first for everything i've been through at 19th, and of course to everyone who caused my heartbreak. here's to all those things I never want to remember, to the mistakes excused by being young and stupid. here's to all those times I was too scared to say something, or do something, or stop someone. here's a good riddance to all those things that infused me with humiliation. 19th, you have to read this carefully, today is my new day, this is new beginning, this is me in this good morning being in touch with my emotion. this is the beginning of a new me allowing myself being happy. i know that i've coming to this physical reality for some reason. but trust me, this is gonna be a good day, i promise me it is gonna be a good year ahead. as i move to this day, contrast will still exist and from it i will find more things that i desire, i embrace that contrast that comes today, and i keep it bcs i understand that it's not me leaving my path, i understand it's me still on my path, and every single day i'll be kindly aware with the way that i feel. i embrace this really good unconditional day. so i pronounce today as a really good day, that no matter where i'm going, and no matter what i'm doing, no matter who i am doing with, it will be hold myself in the place of feeling good. today is the day that i pronounce that my days brightest awareness, my day of greatest appreciate. today i am pronouncing myself a liver of unconditional love, unconditional clarity, unconditional alignment. today i turn on to who i really am, and today i intend to do the best of my ability to fulfil myself as i've meant to be fulfilled. today, and everyday since this 6 February 2017, i'm gonna look for reason to feel good, to be happy, and I WILL ALWAYS FOUND THEM. and if i stumble upon something that doesn't feel so good, i will reveal in perfection of my guidance system and i will make the adjustment, begin from this day. so listen up 19 year-old me, you got a lot accomplished towards the end, you're definitely the maturest of all the teenage years. but it took a lot out of you and it almost tore you apart. so why don't you just hand over the controls, i've got it from here. Sincerely 20yo Me, Analisa Cinta.

[poetryandthesea]

One could say that I write my best poems when I’m either falling in love or falling apart But then again, these two states are so incredibly close to each other that sometimes, they are even the same.

// writing poetry j.d.m. (via poetryandthesea)