It was so easy to start. I didnt liked my thighs. I wanted to strip away the fat. Just a little bit. Nothing drastic. Just a little less less meal. No more cookies and sweet things, you know they are naughty. Only low-fat yoghurt, never real butter just margarine. No rice, no bread, no pasta, who needs carbs? I can deal without that. How amazing it felt.. How light, how free, so much energy, never hungry, i was not a slave to the rumblings of my stomach anymore. What is your secret they would ask and i would smile cause it was just so easy..
A month went by, and two. I no longer needed to buy sanitary pads and my grocery list was as long as my thumbnail. It tasted like brocoli, lettuce and ricecakes. It’s easy to save money when you are starving.
Three months went by and the flesh between my hipbones began to dip down in a road like a great valley
Four months and my clavicles could carry oceans between them
Five months and the tall jacket towers of my spine erupted from my back and i would run my fingers down on my body, it would ring out like a hollow symphony
Sure.. I was thin. But certainly not too thin. Oh when they said i was too thin it pleased me.. “You dont eat very much do you?” they would say. Well.. she certainly isnt fat. Have u lost more weight? You look good! You look like a model. Look at yourself! Look at your arms, it looks like you came out of a concentration camp, look at your body, look what you’ve done to yourself!
My nails broke away like dead leaves and my hair gathered in clumps in the drain of the shower and littered the floor of my room. I didnt brush it anymore so it wouldnt fall out. It didnt matter anyway. It didnt matter that my face was red and swollen of the scattered remains of the burst pimples. It didnt matter that the clothes i wore did not match and did not fit. Men no longer looked at me like meat because there was no meat left to look at. And it pleased me..
It was so easy at first..
But then. It became hard. It became hard to run. After I exercised, I would lie on my bed and watch the stars flash in the dark sinking to my eyes. It became hard to walk. The air and light outside made me feel dizzy. It became hard to move. My heartbeat was so fast. Fast enough to burst my chest, even when i did little more than blink. It became hard to think. I could think only of the food that I could not have. I looked at the pictures of the food I would never eat. Like some boys looked at pictures of girls they would never be able to sleep with. It became very hard to feel. Mostly i felt nothing at all but sometimes i would feel everything. And then, it became very hard to exist. But hardest of all.. Was to stop.
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