Fat girl, skinny boyfriend.
This is a sensitive topic for me. But I feel like I need to say how I feel. I know I’m not alone in this situation but I do feel that I am sometimes.
4 years ago I got into a relationship with the most gorgeous, handsome boy I have ever met. He made me feel special and like I was the only girl in the world. I was smaller then. Weighing around 9.5 - 10 stone. Small waist, nice legs and good bum. I had long brown hair and although I suffered with acne it wasn’t as bad as now.
I was at college studying childcare and had a part time job. Passed my driving test and was the happiest I could be!
A year into our relationship I started experiencing weight gain. I still wasn’t too big and didn’t feel too self conscious. Only on a bad day. I finished college and started at a bigger college to study health and social. For some reason this didn’t mix well with my anxiety and I started having panic attacks and dropped out of college.
By year 2 I had found another job, working as an apprentice at next. I really enjoyed my first few weeks but after a month my manager started criticising everything I done. Saying hurtful and negative things about my work. I started having panic attacks at work and eventually quit as I hated the thought of working with her any longer! It was a shame as I actually loved the days she wasn’t in.
At this point my self esteem and confidence had completely gone. I gained more and more weight. My acne became worse. I signed on to ESA as the doctor signed me sick for anxiety and depression. I was taking Citolapram but it wasn’t really working. After a few months my partner had a full time job. We decided to move into a bigger home (did I mention we moved into a flat at 2 years). We realised shortly after that we couldn’t financially live and after a while my dad had to start helping us with money every now and then.
And here I am now. I’m overweight, weighing 16 stone. I’m scared my boyfriend is in love with the old me. I’m scared that people look at us and think “why is he in a relationship with her, she’s so fat”. My anxiety has calmed down but my depression is still there. My confidence job wise has gone up a lot. I currently run a nanny business. I absolutely love nannying and babysitting. But eventually I’ll have to find something more secure.
I just wish I could turn back the time and do so many things different. I need to lose weight. I eat two meals a day and walk at least a mile every night. I try to be the best that I can. I try to make everyone happy. But I’ve lost focus on myself. Will I ever be healthy weight again? Will my acne ever clear up? Will I always have to stand next to my boyfriend and feel like a beach whale?
I just don’t know anymore.
Anonymous xox