Go Chase Your Paradise

Melanie, 18, Target Corp. owns my soul.

[deejay]

Source

[turnon]

me: the lives of all creatures have intrinsic value

 fly: buzz buzz 

 me:

[roachswallower]

i need an app like tinder just to find people to smoke wit

[roachswallower]

i’m patenting this shit and calling it “buds”

[roachswallower]

fellow weedheads, who will kickstart this

[crimewave420]

“Ahh yes brothere let us meet up and toke together mayhaps you can point me in the direction of your ‘plug’ as they put it roflmao”

[whitepeopletwitter]

It’s the future, don’t fight it

[clavicusvilemoved]

Okay so it seems like people will call any mallet percussion instrument a xylophone and I’m here to teach you shit.

This is a xylophone. The wood part is thick and it’s high pitched.

This is a marimba. It’s huge and expensive. No like a small one costs over $4,000 (3186.20 euros). The key things are really long and thin.

Now do you see this beautiful instrument? This is called the vibraphone motherfuckers. Or just the vibes. Anyways it sounds amazing. I could marry the sound. Basically, it;s made of metal and you have a pedal to stop it from ringing too long.

This is the glockenphejksdfjkl. I have no idea how to spell it, so lets just call it the orchestral bells. If you hit this shit too loud it can burst your eardrums. 

These are a joke.

[sangurex]

I live how angry op is

[daisenseiben]

Sure are a lot of xylophones on this post.

[sarahcamerons]

John Mulaney stops by The Tonight Show

[awkwardmermaidhair]

God what a mood

[ruinedchildhood]

[officialunitedstates]

me, showing off my university degree: that’s right everyone, i paid multiple dollars to the government in order to attain sporadic sprinklings of knowledge that i forgot two months after each class ended

[bob-belcher]

Happy Pride Month everyone!!!!!!

[ourstrangeduet]

me at 14: I cant wait till im in college I have so many plans for life and nothing can stop me :)

Me now: Mm. Me hungey. Me eat macdonal. French frie. Frenchffrie. French frie.

[bob-belcher]

“Okay, I’m sure now more than ever, that our friend Claire is actually Chris Hemsworth in a dress and a wig.” Chris Hemsworth on SNL (2015)

[trzns-deactivated20190422]

me: i’m a bottom. i can’t do this

the drivers ed instructor: for the last time i don’t know what that means. i’m just trying to teach you to parallel park

[procrastinationcentral1993-blog]

[kintatsujo]

Me: I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant, I’d rather adopt a kid or two that are a bit older

Someone: Are you SURE? Older adoptees present UNIQUE CHALLENGES

Me: We are discussing human beings not digital pets

[plenoptic07]

Literally every child every born and/or parented presents unique challenges. It’s like people are unique individuals…..or something………….

[kintatsujo]

An amazing and revolutionary concept

[indigo-night-wisp]

When people ask me, “Why do you want to adopt teenagers?” I always answer, “Because you asked like that.”

I’m real over it. If I become a foster mom to a 17 year old kid and I get the privilege of the option to adopt them? You better believe I am legally making that kid mine.

“They’ll be a legal adult in no time, why spend the money to adopt? They’ll be aged out of the system.”

There’s no aging out of family, Marvin.

“They might be rebellious or smoke or do drugs or steal things! What if they won’t listen to you?”

Then I guess I’ll have to step up and do some fruxking parenting, Stanley.

“You want to adopt problem children then?”

All. Children. Are. Problem. Children. If you’re not prepared to deal with the fact that at some point, any child ever, whether you birthed them yourself or adopted them at any age, could become a problem? Then you are NOT ready to have children, and should really just step off and let the people who actually want to be parents live in peace with their kids.

[tearyourcurtainsdown]

Hey I’m so glad this post is picking up

[regardstosoulandromance]

If John Mulaney was a vine he’d be “road work ahead? UH YEAH. I sure hope it does!”

[catchinlemons]

Not sure what to do with this information but it is absolutely correct

[fakescience]

Fix Tired Eyes

[robbstark-archive-deactivated20]

I had to answer a security question over the phone today and it was honestly surreal the guy asked me “okay, what’s your dream car” and for a solid ten seconds I’m thinking ‘what the fuck I can’t even drive?’ and then it hits me. I made this account in 2014. I know what I have to say. I swallow my pride and whisper into the phone:

“1967 Chevy Impala.”

There’s silence. Then, he gives me my password. Fuck you, 2014 me. Fuck. You.