When you entered a new fandom to have some fun and it suddenly becomes a nightmare
Hello there.
You don’t know me personally, but I believe you’ve heard about what’s been happening lately involving a story of mine on BG3 fandom. I came here to talk about a few things, and hopefully this is the last time I have to address this situation, because my mental and physical health cannot take the damage anymore.
I want to start by clarifying a few untruths that were told about me, so please bear with me because this will be long.
First, I never owned a Reddit account before a reader talked to me about a post that had the name of my fanfic on it. The alleged post, made with the purpose of recommending my story and another one, was not made by me, and I am sorry that people think the only way a new author gets recommended in any fandom is if they do it themselves.
The author of the post was born in my country, though, and I believe that is the reason why this rumor has spread. But I can tell you this: if, by any chance, you want to make a post recommending your own work, do not be ashamed of it. There is nothing wrong with self-promotion, nothing at all.
Second, I did not manipulate the situation in private so people could see me as innocent and the other side as the villain. Before things started to escalate, I never even talked in private with any of my readers; the only interaction I had with them was in the comments. I was, in fact, invited multiple times to join Discord groups, but didn’t accept due to the fact that I am very shy, very new to the fandom, and also hadn’t read the fanfics for which the group was dedicated. I only reached out two days ago, when I saw how things got totally out of control, and for that I had to create a Reddit and Discord account because I didn’t have any.
Third, I did not delete my AO3 account because I was guilty. That day, I woke up at 2 a.m. to rude comments on my fanfic accusing me of copying another author, and I immediately tried reaching out to them to talk about it and explain my point of view, because I believe the mature thing in any situation is to speak directly to the person who has a problem with you. Unfortunately, I realized that the person was not willing to sit down with me and talk about it or even solve it between us; rather, they preferred to make a whole public spectacle out of it.
I’ve been dealing with a very bad case of anxiety and profound depression because of many things happening in my life. Beyond that, I am a neurodivergent woman trying to manage sudden changes in my routine, isolation, and a lot of other challenges. I didn’t need this situation to make everything even worse. So, I put my mental health first and deleted everything so the matter would be over and I could go on with my life.
Fourth, I was told that they said I use AI because I write too fast, and let me be clear about something: my husband and I are expatriates in another country, and I’ve become a stay-at-home wife ever since. I don’t have children, so I wake up at 4 a.m. every day so I can write and close my computer only at 6 p.m. Each chapter has only 20 pages with the most cliché content ever written, not a complex, Kafkaesque tale, so you do the math.
If I get too excited about what is happening in my story, I can easily update it once a week, sometimes even two. And believe me, I was having a lot of fun writing Ascendant Astarion. So much fun that I simply had a lot of chapters prepared because I couldn’t stop writing about it (before I deleted the whole thing, I already had 3 whole chapters ready to post). I coped with my real-life problems by writing this fic and I got totally obsessed with it.
Finally, I never knew this author before the moment I woke up to those messages. No, I had never heard of them. When I say I am very new to the fandom, I mean months new. I had five months of reading fanfics and almost three of writing my own after that. The stories I had read were Kindred, Hellish Rebuke, Unravel, Dancing With My Demons, The Broken Chosen, and, most recently, Curriculum of Kink. I have no problem saying how much those stories inspired me, they are all amazing, and you can probably see traces of inspiration here and there when you look at my text. I am sure they inspired a lot of other people in their writing too.
Because that’s the thing about art in general, right? No one is the first to invent anything from scratch, not even the father of fantasy himself, Tolkien, invented Middle-earth and its races without being inspired by preexisting mythology. I think it’s important that we, as writers and artists, learn this as soon as possible and stop harassing each other with these crazy arguments.
When you study art, you learn tons and tons of examples of artists having the same source of inspiration and thus having similar creations, and yet each having their own way of doing and developing things. Take Perugino and Raphael, for instance: they both painted the exact same scene of The Marriage of the Virgin, but each left their own unique traces and styles, and that is what made them so special.
When we look at huge sagas like The Hunger Games, Harry Potter, and Star Wars, we can see many similar themes, characters, and behaviors — all intrinsic to the Hero’s Journey, by the way — and what makes each one unique is the way they decided to tell the story itself, the whole context of it, not isolated things (because, when we isolate every single detail, they are pratically the same thing).
Instead of pointing fingers and trying to claim that we were the first to ever write a scene, or that a simple phrase or dialogue is our exclusive creation and that no one else could have possibly thought of something like that on their own, we should start looking at our own stories and ask: Where did my inspirations come from? Why did I make the character say this and do that? How many people I’ve never even heard of could read my work and say, “Well, I did this back in 2015, so you obviously copied from me”? And how many video game creators can look at the BG3 script itself and say: “Wait, I used that exact dialogue and situation in my work before”?
Yeah, we’re not as exclusive as we think. Our minds do not work apart from society; we cannot close ourselves from receiving information from outside or avoid being influenced every second of our lives. This is close to Carl Jung’s idea of the collective unconscious: a shared reservoir of images, ideas, and experiences that connects us all, influencing creativity beyond individual borders.
So, making a 53-page PDF to “prove” that I actually copied not just one (as I was first accused of) but suddenly all of those stories because of basic words and phrases is insane to me. To see my paragraphs all chopped up, taken totally out of context, without ever showing the reader why I used those phrases and in what situation, and putting them side by side with their own writing just to fit the narrative really shocked me.
And the worst thing about this whole situation is that a simple and respectful conversation would have solved all of this in a minute.
No, I did not copy anything. No, I did not enter this fandom with the purpose of being famous, well-known, loved or steal readers from someone. I was actually shocked when I received my first comment because I never thought anyone would give a chance to a new author like myself.
But if what I wrote made them feel so disrespected to the point of not only publicly shaming me but also making fun of me and my writing in Discord groups, I would have found a way to make us both feel comfortable, you know? Damn, I would even have changed a little dialogue here and there so they wouldn’t stress about it anymore (even though none of the dialogues were exclusive and you can find them in basically every single dom Astarion fanfic out there).
So, this is my answer to this entire situation.
I will not stay here arguing, fighting, and engaging in toxicity because I do not approve of Mean Girls behavior and we are not in high school anymore. This is a fanfic space for fans to love their favorite characters, not a million-dollar contest in which the winner will be on the New York Times Best Seller list. We gain nothing from it other than friendly interactions, and we all need to have a life outside the internet.
My fanfic was very small, very cliché, very stupid, and very, very basic. And, unfortunately, I didn’t know that in this fandom I needed to ask permission to say that my character felt cold when she was dying in a vampire’s arms after being drained, or that the male character had a big **** and the virgin wondered if it was going to fit, or that I couldn’t describe Astarion ascending and asking for the protagonist help, or.... insert any other example here.
This is the first and last time I will ever talk about it. I am very, very tired. I am not even sleeping or eating properly anymore because every day I have to wake up and read things about myself online. So, please, just stop.
Only heard about this from a friend and I'm distraught.
As someone who tries to engage as little as possible with any fandom and just quietly read/write/draw what I enjoy (because of exactly those people who *want* to throw a fit over nothing to gain their five minutes of fake righteous fame at the cost of other people's wellbeing), I feel deeply sorry for what you had to experience.
I hope this won't stop you from creating and sharing what you enjoy.
It's just so sad to see that people lose their literacy and forget what plagiarism really means and that you cannot copyright idioms, phrases or basic ideas.
Absolutely ridiculous and it's infuriating how many blindly jumped onto the bandwagon to accuse you of things without proof or without even trying to ask about your take on all this.
You'd think people were more mature, but apparently not.
Raphael acts all nonchalant toward his lovers — or whatever vague label fits the year's situationship — emotionally detached, all manipulative tenderness and performative care, treating them like amusing, overfed little pets. They mean nothing, obviously.
But then you hear about one or two people who tried flirting with you, or got a bit too cozy and suddenly they vanish, or some absurdly timed tragedy ruins their life.
Raphael? Shocked. Appalled. Absolutely knows nothing about it. (But he is in a very good mood, humming his little songs and all)
if u constantly start wips but never finish them before moving on to the next fandom then mayb put a preface at the start that it’ll likely not be finished or smt cause it’s like every single story atp 🤷♀️
I appreciate you following my stories, but I do this for enjoyment. No fanfiction author is compensated for their time or effort. This is supposed to be fun.
I'm committed to my stories, and I update them when I find the time and inspiration.
Flame ettiquette.
To fuel another’s flame is sensual, borderline seductive.
To extinguish another’s flame is an insult, a slight to character.
Lilith Savini—Daughter of Adamek, and novice wielder of Hellfire—has much to learn.
And Raphael offers to be her most selfless, benevolent teacher
A Hellish Rebuke Alternate Universe
AO3
Thank you so much to Sneepy (@ancunins-juicebox) for her support and co-authorship. This story would not exist without her.
This post will contain spoilers for the game and Astarion's romance/backstory. Before anyone comes at me, I want to say that you are the main character, you are supposed to change the fates and behaviours of your characters, especially if you are romancing them. It's a video game, that's kind of the point.
This post is extremely long and I apologise.
This analysis is based off my playthrough.
(*) means check notes at the bottom of the post.
I wasn't expecting to like him as much as I do. Don't get me wrong, I really liked him during EA and I thought he was funny, charming, flirty with a dark past and all that was just a means to cover his trauma but since the full game has come out and we've gotten to know more of him, it truly breaks my heart to see and know what he has been through. My sister and I were watching his reactions to be being rejected, being told that Tav only wants sex and forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do, it is truly heart-wrenching.
Many people expected Astarion to be this "I am so sexual and my romance will mostly be sex, also I will betray you the first chance I get." and it couldn't be further from the truth. Astarion is extremely loyal, and yes he has that air of flambouncy to him, will often make japes and say evil things but most of the time, it is just a facade. It's his shield in a way, he has been treated with utter cruelty for two hundred years of his life and now that he finally has some control over himself, he doesn't wish to be hurt again.
I don't think Astarion is ever completely evil, even in the beginning. He just wants to have fun and enjoy life after so many years of slavery. He likes it when you are snarky, say mean shit to people for fun but, he doesn't like to see innocents get hurt, and he doesn't support fighting for people who don't fight for themselves. Yes, he will support some of your evil decisions but they will lead to a bad ending, for you and your characters. It'll make Astarion wallow more in his greed and he'll lose the little humanity he has left. He doesn't really have a clear sense of direction in the beginning of the game as he's just found freedom and obviously wants to live life to the fullest, being evil comes naturally to him, it's instinct as its what he's been doing for two centuries.
This is my assumption since we don't know his actual age but since he's an elf who was well-respected in society, had a pretty prestigious job and was rich enough to be corrupt. I'd assume he was at least 70-100 years old before he was turned into a spawn. (EDIT - in a recent post by @deluxetrashqueen I saw the translation of the dates of birth and death on his tombstone:
"Astarion Ancunin
229-268 DR" to which he adds, "458DR - "
which shows that he was only 39 at the time of his death, which explains his emotional immaturity for an elf.) My point being, I believe he has been a spawn for longer than he's ever been a regular person. He has spent the longer part of his life doing evil things for an evil man, that was what his life was on a daily basis with Cazador. And his former work experience probably helped, he likely learnt pretty quick how much he took for granted as a living person and the harshness of his master, peers and people he seduced made him harsh and unforgiving in return.
Once you start getting close to him, you start to learn that he is only mean to people because of how life has treated him. In his romance, he says "no one ever looked out for me, no one ever said a kind word to me. You're the only one, no one is like that." Astarion starts to see, because of you that there is kindness in the world, and he finds kindness in you. Especially after his quest, as much as he'd hate to admit it, he also sees friends in your other companions as they do in him. By the end of Act 2, he starts to get more soft towards you and the decisions you make, often even disapproving of evil decisions. People often tend to forget that a lot of Astarion's evil personality is a front, it is not who he truly is.
These points will be better explained individually so I will talk about some themes.
Power: power plays a big part in his entire storyline. In the beginning, he wants to harness the powers of the tadpole to become powerful and at first, you think that it's simply because he's an evil character and he wants power for the sake of having it. Then later, he wishes to take over the power of the ascendant but mostly only to spite Cazador and take something important from him, not fully realising the true power of the rite.
As he slowly starts opening up to you, he tells you "the mind flayers tore me from that place" and you realise that its the tadpole that let's him walk in the sun, do things a vampire or spawn would never be able to, you learn that he hates being a vampire because he can't even remember what he looks like. He seeks power outside because he has had no power over himself for about two centuries, he thinks that having this power will fulfill his needs but it won't, we know it won't because in truth he only needs to reclaim his autonomy, physical and mental. Of course Astarion would never truly admit to this for a long while, even when he's romanced. I personally really love his good romance arc where he doesn't have sex with you, not because he dislikes you or doesn't want you but because, as he says "any kind of intimacy was something I performed to lure people back for him. While I know things between us are different... being with someone still feels tainted. It brings up all those feelings of disgust and loathing." He has spent 200 years or so bowing to Cazador's whims, done things to people he didn't want to do and I assume since it's heavily hinted at, were very sexual in nature. In a relationship, he simply wants to be seen as a person and I think that's really sad because that's how low the bar is for him.
In the ending of his quest, you can persuade him and tell him that going forth with the ritual won't set him free even if he thinks it will and I agree. If he's a slave to Cazador now, later he'd be a slave to power and greed. Just look at Cazador, despite being one of the most powerful beings in existence, he still wanted more power. That kind of greed and hunger never ends and Astarion would lose himself and who he has become while he was with us. Yes, it makes him walk in the sun again and do things a regular vampire can't but at what cost? 7,000 lives and his humanity. He would never be able to enjoy this "freedom" because he'll only strive to seek more power. In his ascendant ending, he becomes everything he's ever hated about Cazador, the cycle repeats itself, from Vellioth to Cazador and from Cazador to Astarion. And it will never end. Astarion even refuses to turn you into a vampire and wishes to keep you only as a spawn. With an insight check, you can learn that he thinks you're degrading yourself and he doesn't care. He now sees you as something to own, something to possess, not love. All his good qualities, wants and needs get twisted. Astarion truly only needs to feel like a person again but he doesn't fully realise this until you show it to him, through good deeds and actions, through simple acts of kindness. As he says in his "good" ending "I've been dead in the ground enough. It's time to try living again. With all that life has to offer."
Safety: Astarion wants to feel safe. He is so scared of being found by Cazador, he knows he's looking for him and the only thing giving him some form of safety from Cazador is the tadpole so of course he wants to harness its powers that is until he finds out it'll turn him into another kind of monster, a mind flayer. He doesn't wish to lose himself and his freedom again hence is vehemently against taking on the tadpole's powers but he doesn't stop you because that is of course, your decision to make. He says "if such power would please you, darling, I won't stop you. But do be careful, I want you to remain you." Now the only thing left that can properly give him his freedom is Cazador's death and he wants to kill him himself which I think is perfectly acceptable, Cazador deserves to die and if it is by Astarion's hands, all the better. But, in his romance, he makes it clear that he's doing it for safety, and he tells himself that he wants to take the power of the rite for safety as well because in truth, he is terrified of being powerless again. He does want revenge yes, but he also wants to keep you and himself safe from Cazador, even in the dungeon, if you run an insight check, the narrator tells you that he is losing his mind because of the power that's on offer and the smell of blood in the air. It's almost as if to say "he's losing his mind, please stop him before he forgets who he is." Astarion NEEDS your guidance*, eventually he even thanks you for 'saving him from himself.' In his good ending, he sees that in taking the power, he would be no better than Cazador and would become everything he's ever hated about him, and inflict on others what his former master inflicted on him, starting with you. His ascendant ending is honestly a very sad ending for his character, all that growth, change and development you bring to him throughout your journey just gone down the drain as he becomes an unfeeling, evil, narcissistic arsehole who only craves for more power. In his good ending, he will be safe, with you and with the friends he has made along the way. He is proud of himself and so is everyone else, it offers him a kind of friendship that's afforded to very few in the D&D world, especially a vampire/spawn whose very existence is hated. It is a bond based on trust, loyalty and to a degree, even love instead of fear like in the ascendant ending.
Abandonment and Fear: Astarion is driven by fear but he also knows facing Cazador is inevitable and something he needs to face rather than avoid. Even if he isn't outright seeking it (but he does seek it) I think he is braver than he likes to think and he definitely has some anti-hero traits. He likes the tadpole because it helped him get away from Cazador's authority and he enjoys bending others to his will since it makes him feel more powerful compared to how he's felt the past two centuries. But if you choose to not do the same, he doesn't really care. He doesn't except it of you nor is he disappointed (since he neither approves or disapproves. He only disapproves helping people who didn't ask or didn't want to be helped) he only gives a snarky comment or two about what he would've done instead and follows you anyway. He realises you're a good person. If you indulge too much however, I would argue that he agrees simply because he doesn't want you to turn against him. Perhaps he believes that you can turn on him and kill him as easily as you killed the tieflings or other innocents. He probably thinks it's easier to turn a good person evil than an evil person, good (tbh he wouldn't be entirely wrong.) And making bad choices does negatively affect his character of course but I just thought I'd put that out there as I think it's very likely for him to do so. He is definitely extremely paranoid, he hardly ever says how he truly feels out loud but when you break up with him (it's so heartbreaking omg) he says "I was beginning to think someone truly wanted me. I shouldn't have deluded myself." and "From the start, I was rather counting the hours until it was going to end. Midnight chimes, eh?" As heartbreaking as it is, the latter line shows how terrified he was of being abandoned or only be used for his body, he kept obessesively worrying that Tav would leave him after he bore his heart out to them. There's another bit of dialogue in Act 1 where he is trying his lines with you to get you to sleep with him a second time and you can say no which he is fine with but if you outright reject him there, meaning "I never want to see you like that again" he gets extremely sad: "Well, excuse me while I die of a broken heart. [slight chuckle] In all honesty, it's a shame. That time was special to me. I've gotten on my back 10,000 times or more and forgotten half of them. But you, I'll remember. [long pause] Have a fine evening... dear." Mind you, this is after you've only slept with him once. His dialogue makes it seem like he was already catching feelings for you, and not realising that himself until this happens. Seeing this made me realise that you're the first person he's slept with of his own volition, even if it was to seduce you. For the longest time, I think Astarion doesn't even want to believe you'll like him as something more than someone to sleep with, he hopes you might as his rejection line says so but astarion is nothing if not careful and well, paranoid.
That's why he's so shocked when you choose to not let him bite Araj at Moonrise even if it gave you something powerful in return. He sees that you chose his comfort over a genuinely useful commodity. Biting people or using his vampire, well, anything makes him extremely uncomfortable since it reminds him of things he needed to do for Cazador. If he bites her, it makes him feel like being a slave again, but bending to your will and wishes instead of his former master's. He realises he doesn't know how to say no. Which is another thing he says if you wish to pursue only a sexual relationship with him. He feels played.
Freedom: this is probably the main theme to his character arc. He wants to be free, not only from his master but also free to make right decisions and make decisions for himself, something he hasn't been able to do for years. This is why respecting his decision to not sleep with you is important to him, he doesn't feel comfortable being physically close to someone in a sexual way as it makes him doubt the person's true intentions and feelings and of course, makes him feel loathsome and disgusted with himself. He needs that time where you just connect as people to really see that you are in fact genuine and he wouldn't be hurt if he trusted you or gave you his heart. Towards the end of the game, he is still quite ruthless, but mostly only towards people who do wrong and are criminals. Astarion has a very strong set of ideals, he believes that people who do wrong deserve to die no matter the crime. I don't think this is entirely true, every crime deserves a different punishment but most criminals, those who do severe wrong and still get away with it, do deserve to die but this is just my opinion of course. He is ruthless towards bad people because that's how people have been to him, at least Cazador and I wouldn't be surprised if he was treated badly during his sexual encounters with strangers while working for him.
Why I think the Ascendant ending is a tragic ending for Astarion's character and for you.
I won't lie, there are some aspects of ascended Astarion that are pretty hot and I'm a sucker for (pun absolutely intended) powerful, gothic vampires but this ending comes at the cost of way too much. One simply being: Astarion isn't Astarion anymore. All his snarkiness, playful nature and strange innocence is gone. In his ascendant ending, that is, when he takes the power of the Rite of Ascension for himself by carving the same rune on Cazador's back that's on his own, Astarion loses himself. In D&D lore, full vampires are unfeeling, ruthless and have all their good traits twisted into something more malignant and evil. If Astarion loved you, that love turns into possession, if he cared for you, it turns into obsession. He doesn't truly care anymore... as a vampire, he is manipulating you and telling you things you want to hear instead of what he's actually feeling. He never truly got that moment of catharsis by killing Cazador as he does in his spawn ending. That simple bliss of killing the man that enslaved him and worse all these years; he never gets to experience that because he ends up using Cazador for the same power Cazador killed Vellioth for in the past, albeit worse. It's a never-ending cycle. And if he turns you into his spawn, you will go through the same fate Astarion went through and probably turn on him the same way he turned on Cazador. He has absolutely no sympathy for you or for anyone that is not him, in fact he feels almost disgusted by you because he thinks you're degrading yourself in front of him. There is a conversation between him and if you refuse to become his spawn, and I think it sums up his character perfectly as a vampire, it goes like this:
(choosing different options will have different dialogues but they more or less lead to him saying the same thing.)
ASTARION: Just so you know, I have everything I've ever wanted. Everything lies ahead. I can see my path to a waking dream. From the Crimson Palace, I will govern day and night. Create a city of spawn who bow before me, cast a fog over the world for my children.
TAV: But the Palace halls will be lonely.
ASTARION: You'll be lonelier than I. Very soon I will discover how to call my legions of wolves, become a sea of mist, run wrongside-up on roofs. [laughs] Everything vampires do best.
You could have, too. [sniggers] What a waste.
TAV: You don't really have anything at all.
ASTARION: I can take anything I want. I should've made you a spawn just to teach you that.
And there we have it, that last bit of dialogue shows how Astarion is now everything he hated about his own master. He is Cazador's literal and spiritual successor, he thinks you need to be punished for rejecting him. He doesn't feel for you anymore, at least not in a human way. He has become someone else entirely, for the worst. His drive for taking the power of the rite was to be able to walk in the sun again but as a full vampire, he wants to "dominate it (the world) until the sun melts and give ourselves over to the night."
Astarion NEEDS change, he needs to see that the world can be a kinder place than the one he's lived in this whole time. Just a bit of care and love with him goes a long way. In his spawn ending, he comes to realise that you gave him his life back even if it was as a spawn because that is true freedom. He is free from his master, and greed & power which was in the disguise of safety. He may never be able to walk in the sun, but he is free to make his own decisions that are driven by his choices. One of them being; wanting and loving you, living a full life with you, whatever that may entail.
If you went into the game thinking that Astarion will betray you no matter what then giving him the ascendant ending brings your fears to life. Astarion doesn't learn anything, by making him a full vampire, you basically tell him that he can only be powerful and worth something if he has super vampire powers, and in turn, you lose everything too. Astarion may have gained unparralled strength but now he has no need of you, you gave him everything he wanted and nothing he needed so now he can do whatever he wants with you because you are lesser than him, literally, he is much stronger than you are and his power will only grow as he discovers more of it. He tries to manipulate you into turning you into a spawn. A dialogue being:
TAV: After everything you went through with Cazador, you're going to make me a spawn?
ASTARION: Oh that was completely different, I'd never hurt you. I love you. That's what you've been waiting to hear, isn't it? That's what you want?
Which just shows you how he's only saying "I love you" because that's what you want to hear, so you agree to becoming his spawn. He doesn't mean it, it doesn't really have any feeling behind it whatsoever. And if he turns you into a spawn, you have basically lost everything. Because he is obsessive over you, he'll never let you go and since now he is properly evil, he likely won't turn you into a vampire either, even if he says he will.
This is just my take on the ending though, I think we can all agree the ascendant ending is the evil ending for his character, even if it is an ending you prefer. I'm not trying to hate on anyone who does like this ending, only stating that I think it is meant to be evil and I personally don't like it.
CONCLUSION
Once you get to truly know Astarion, he's a pretty decent guy. I can't speak much for people who didn't romance him, I'm not entirely sure how his non-romance route plays out. The good conclusion of his quest is so wholesome, where he says he feels "truly, honestly free" and tells you "you saved me from myself. This is a gift, you know, thank you. I won't forget it." getting full circle to the first time you let him bite you (the only time in my case.) It shows so much character development and pure joy in the way he thanks you (it doesn't need to be said but props to Neil Newbon for bringing the character to life.) He will always be a spawn and yet, he feels like "anything and everything is possible" because of you and the choices you made with him, you believed in him when he didn't believe in himself, you showed him that he is enough just the way he is and he doesn't need to become a full vampire to be strong and powerful. Astarion comes out of his finale, a much more positive person, who actually cares even if he won't show it and the best part is, he always keeps that tiny streak of evil and mischief within him. He hasn't lost sight of himself, he's just less spiteful now and feels free to actually enjoy life rather than constantly being scared of what might happen to him. He finds trust and happiness in you and it makes him happy that you find the same within him. You are his home and he hopes he is yours.
I understand that my analysis may not be perfect and my interpretation of the character may be different from someone else's but that's fine, he is a video game character that can be played so many ways and people can go around it however they like, interpret his character however they wish. This is just what I think.
NOTES
'Astarion needs your guidance.' - no, this is not gaslight-y. Astarion is a deeply troubled character and clearly finds it hard to differentiate between right and wrong. He often asks for your input and what you think by Act 2 which isn't a bad thing, he's asking for help and I think that shows how far he's come. In the final scene of his quest, he is overcome by the promise of power and the safety it would've provided which would've consumed him as it did Cazador, Astarion admits to this himself too later on once he can think clearly and is in a more positive mindset. There is nothing wrong with guiding your partner towards something that will eventually be better for their growth as a person in the long run.
I like that Last Unicorn quote as much as the next guy but I do always wind up feeling a little detached from analysis that paints Astarion's disapproval as purely envy. Partly because. No one's doing this for Lae'zel for instance even though she has similar disapproval and similar trauma (all she can remember is a hostile physically and emotionally exploitative environment which expected perfect strength and obedience from her or else she would be punished or killed). But also partly because it feels pretty detached from everything he actually has to say about it.
The thing about Astarion is he loathes weakness. He loathes sentiment and he loathes dependence. You can see this when he actually opens his mouth up about the people he disapproves of saving, but also incredibly loudly when he talks about the other companions, as well as his fellow spawn. If Lae'zel submits to Vlaakith he talks scornfully about how some people just come to love their chains. He's confused and put off if Wyll submits to Mizora to save his father. In every conversation with his fellow spawn (at least when hes not actively manipulating them) he's dismissive and harsh, and clearly he's perfectly willing to sacrifice them for the sake of himself.
There's an obvious origin point of those feelings, of course. Cazador's abuse is designed to actively kill off empathy in his spawn, both towards each other and towards victims. The last time Astarion prioritized someone over his own skin he got locked in a tomb for a year. We can see glimpses of it with the other spawn too, how his siblings are (apparently uncompelled at first) willing to drag Astarion back to their master for their freedom, how Petras' first dream of freedom is getting to drain another person dry. Astarion certainly doesn't seem to feel any real sense of solidarity with them, likely because Cazador understands that them building a community is a threat to his authority the way it was to his own master.
I'd also argue its Astarion projecting his own self-loathing outwards. So much of his quest is about his desperate attempt to escape from who he was. He's been given a chance to slip free of the limitations of being a spawn. He clings to that because of course he would. He also instinctively begins to run over everything in his path, because if there's anything he has learned over the past 200 years its that good things can always be taken away unless you make sure to remove any and all possible threats to that scrap of well-being. He's disdainful of people in need of help because they represent who he fears to go back to being! He calls his siblings "poor fools" while refusing to confront the fact that had it not been for the tadpole he would be in exactly their position, forced to cling to the hope that Cazador is telling the truth for once because escape isn't an option either way. He becomes irritated when Tav slows down to help the unfortunate because they represent roadblocks on his own path to safety.
There's an idea in mental health stolen from airplane safety: that you shouldn't help anyone else until your own mask is secure. What they don't tell you, speaking from personal experience at least, is that PTSD, especially for long term trauma, has a way of making you feel like your own mask will never be secure. And while that's scary, and it sucks, and there should be the utmost patience for it: no one is going to realize that mask is secure for you. Eventually you are going to have to accept the fact that you are breathing just fine. Eventually you are also going to have to accept that people asking something of you isn't them endangering you, even if it can sometimes (often) feel like it. It doesn't make you obligated to help them. But it does mean you have to stop reacting to them like a threat, because not 5 minutes ago that was you.
I think the idea that he's only mad because he's jealous is a gratifying fantasy. He didnt feel safe before, but now through your PC and the power of love he'll feel warm and cozy enough to forgive you for not being there to begin with. But I also think Astarion cannot live in a reality where he's never pushed back on. His instinctive self-protective movements are a coping mechanism, yes, but coping mechanisms developed under survival conditions can also be a way of keeping you frozen in your trauma. Outside of the environment they were necessary for, they can even hinder you from growing in the ways you need to grow to move past what happened to you. Sometimes, you need to stop a baby tiefling from getting crazy murdered by a snake because it turns out. That can happen to anybody not just people who are weak and stupid and deserve to die anyways not like me I'm normal-
yesss i am all about this analysis. astarion has a particular quote he can say when you're trying to convince him not to kill the spawn in cazador's dungeon that i think really encapsulates this mindset:
even when astarion does feel a twinge of compassion or guilt, he vehemently tells himself that he should not. that he should be utterly ruthless and uncaring about the people he's hurt bc if he empathizes with them, that means that he's like them—pathetic, horrible, and vulnerable.
i've seen a lot of takes about how cazador's abuse warped astarion's relationship with sex and intimacy, but i also think it's clear that astarion has internalized a lot of cazador's other values as well—including a total abhorrence for kindness, guilt, or anything that could be construed as weakness.
The whole thing about the Scrying Orb in the Devil’s Fee is kind of hilarious if you read about scrying spells in DnD (given the assumption that those two things work the same way. But the way it’s hinted in the game seems like it might be).
If you look in the Scrying Orb before going to the House of Hope, the narrator will tell you that you see him drinking wine and smiling at you, to which the question is asked “Can he see you?”
He absolutely knows who is watching and what’s even more funny is that he’s actively letting us see him.
Here’s information on Scrying Spells:
“The target [of the spell] must make a Wisdom saving throw, which is modified by how well you know the target and the sort of physical connection you have to it. If a target knows you're casting this spell, it can fail the saving throw voluntarily if it wants to be observed.”
Raphael has 16 (+3) in wisdom. He absolutely knows and he’s letting us see him because he’s a dramatic little shit.
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